Celebrities in hospital

Now Patrick Swayze Headbutts Pneumonia In The Face, Too

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nobody could have ever expected Patrick Swayze – the man who wrote the embarrassingly weedy She’s Like The Wind, remember – to be this strong.

As if battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer and holding on for much longer than anyone anticipated wasn’t enough, Patrick Swayze now also has pneumonia beat. Last week Patrick Swayze checked himself into hospital with pneumonia, but he’s already well enough to be released.

It just goes to show Patrick Swayze’s tenacity. In fact, we’re starting to think that this Ghost‘s final scene all over again – God isn’t letting Patrick Swayze die until he chops a baddie in half with a window or something.

Relax Everyone, Samantha Ronson Isn’t So Exhausted Now

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As a drab-faced woman whose only job is to go and play music at sweaty bellends for two hours at a time, Samantha Ronson knows about graft.

We know this because we once attended Samantha Ronson’s productivity seminar Shut Up Coal Miners: I Work Much Harder Than Any Of You Idiots. True, we only went because we heard Lindsay Lohan was going to be there, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, Samantha Ronson works so hard that she recently went to hospital for exhaustion. Apparently she went straight to the Overdramatic Tosspot clinic, where she was diagnosed by a Dr Getarealjob. True story.

This Just In: Brad Pitt Doesn’t Go To Hospital

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Not that it’s a slow news day or anything, but it’s very important that you know Brad Pitt didn’t go to hospital last night.

And nor did Angelina Jolie. And nor did any of their kids. But they might have done, after it was reported last night that paramedics were sent to Brad Pitt’s house. Or near Brad Pitt’s house. Or past it. Or one of the paramedics looked at a picture of Brad Pitt about half an hour before the call. Or something.

But Brad Pitt is fine. The reports were all wrong. Nobody went to hospital. It’s definitely not a slow news day.

Let’s All Guess What Amy Winehouse Is In Hospital For Now

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

They tried to make Amy Winehouse go to hospital, but she said – well actually she was fairly unresponsive, so they took her to hospital.

That’s right, it’s time for another installment of our four-billion-part series ‘Amy Winehouse Goes To Hospital For Something That’s Probably Got Something To Do With Drugs.’ In this edition, Amy Winehouse goes to hospital for something that’s probably got something to do with drugs.

Apparently Amy Winehouse was admitted to a clinic on Sunday after reacting badly to medication, and she’s been kept there to undergo tests. Sadly, those tests include the ‘Here’s a picture of a fan, do you sincerely thank them for their support or punch them in the face?’ test and the ‘Is it better to look like a human being or a cave drawing of a rampaging lizardman?’ test, so it looks like Amy will remain in hospital for the foreseeable.

Winona Ryder Gets Ill, But Not Enough For You To Care

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that she’s pushing 40, Winona Ryder can’t really pull off that pixie waif look any more, so it’s time for a change.

And, as such, Winona Ryder has decided to try out a brave new look for visit to London this week. It’s a look that fashion insiders have already dubbed ‘worryingly ill on an aeroplane chic’. And Winona Ryder pulls it off with aplomb, or at least she did yesterday when she got ill on an aeroplane to London and had to be rushed to hospital upon landing.

But don’t worry, solitary remaining Winona Ryder fan – despite rumours of an overdose, your skinny hero was quickly discharged from hospital. And for an extra dollop of good news, Winona Ryder left the airport by ambulance, so she didn’t even set off the metal detectors with all the cutlery she’d been compulsively stashing down her trousers for the duration of the flight (please don’t sue us for making that last bit up).

Britney Spears’ Son Goes To Hospital, Then Goes Home Again

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s good luck, bad luck, awful luck and then there’s Britney Spears luck – and Britney Spears has probably just edged a new level.

On Sunday Britney Spears got to take her children out of California for the very first time since she lost custody of them. And that’s the exact moment that her two-year-old son Jayden James decided to get hospitalised for an allergic reaction to something he ate. Apparently kids don’t take too well to eating shards of broken Lego bricks wedged between slices of frozen animal piss. Who knew?

Oh, we’re joking – Britney Spears’ son wasn’t hospitalised for anything Britney did, and he’s now been released. In fact, we get the feeling that he only went to hospital because all the men in white coats reminded him of when he used to live with mummy.

Janet Jackson: Still Ill, Or Less Ill, Or Something

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness hasn’t got any less mysterious over the last 24 hours, but it might have gone away – unless it hasn’t.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

Janet Jackson Suddenly Gets Poorly, Remaining Fan Upset

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing more annoying than going to a Janet Jackson concert, it’s going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ‘suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case – whoops.

Old Lady Pushes Out Baby Made With Clay Aiken’s Chromosomal Input

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Somewhere – recently – in a dark corner of a hospital, new life was given.

It sprang forth from its mother’s womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table – and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother’s colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma’s smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like.

You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It’s unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that’s why Clay Aiken‘s baby wanted out so bad – and it did!

That’s right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody’s freshly stretched woo-woo, he’s here to stay.

Morgan Freeman Has a Car Accident: is ‘Recovering’

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Unfortunately, it’s not a DVD outtake for Driving Miss Daisy – that would be much easier to make light of.

No – Morgan Freeman is the latest to be involved in the so-called ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, after he was involved in a car accident on Sunday night, which officials referred to as ‘serious’.

The 71-year-old actor will require surgery on a shattered elbow, as well as time for other less serious injuries to his neck and shoulder to heal. While initial reports said Freeman was in a serious state, these have since rescinded and he is expected to make a comfortable, if slow, recovery from his injuries.