Thought that Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister getting knocked up was as bad as it got for the family? Not even close - Britney Spears now apparently thinks her two baby sons have been taking drugs.

Well, sort of - Britney Spears has decided to turn on the attack in her child custody battle with Kevin Federline by apparently claiming that he smokes pot in front of Sean Preston and Jayden James, and that as a result they're breathing in all his second-hand drug-smoke. It's thought that Britney Spears was alerted to this possibility by the way that her kids sitting around staring into space and giggling all day. However this might not mean that the Federline-Spears kids are stoned - it might just mean that they're either a) children or b) genetically very stupid. Really, the truth is that it could be any of these things.

David Hasselhoff is no stranger to washing his dirty linen in public, but that's probably because he made it dirty by either wetting himself or belching up globs of half-chewed hamburger down it.

And David Hasselhoff's pretty swell at idiomatically washing his dirty linen in public, too - just look at the endless public squabbling between David Hasselhoff and his ex-wife Pamela Bach during and after their divorce. However, the good news is that Hasselhoff and Bach have finally reached a settlement about their post-divorce battle over their money and children. Great news for the Hasselhoff children - this settlement means they can now play their parents off each other for material gain instead of just standing around filming David Hasselhoff rolling around the floor gurgling and pushing clumps of fast food into the side of his head because that's where he thinks his mouth is.

The most important part of the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline Custody Bitchfight To The Death was due to take place yesterday, as Britney was going to submit to questioning under oath by Federline's lawyers.

However, the world will have to wait to hear Britney's version of the truth about her parenting skills. Britney Spears failed to show up to the deposition yesterday, citing an illness. It's a proper illness too, because Britney has a doctor's letter and everything. Britney's no-show has angered Kevin Federline's lawyers, who have rescheduled the deposition and are also seeking court sanctions against Britney Spears, like forcing her to do the deposition in her pants next time if she doesn't bring the right kit.

Or taking her children away from her forever. Or something.

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it's only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day.

In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears' morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to - like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents.

Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!

Amy Winehouse is in for a cruddy Christmas. Not only is Santa vastly unlikely to give Amy what she needs the most - a slap in the mouth and a decent hairbrush - but now that her husband's been remanded in custody, she'll be all alone, too.

But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January - possibly even June - it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.

Cars are dangerous things as far as Britney Spears is concerned - if she's not getting out of them vagina-first in front of every single camera on earth, then she's driving around erratically in them with her kids inside.

And while the former goes woefully unpunished, the latter at least has seen Britney Spears get banned from driving a car while her children are onboard. A judge hit Britney Spears with the ban on Friday after video emerged of her running a red light on a busy Los Angeles interchange, but Britney is damned if she's going to take this news sitting down - we've heard that she's ready to exploit the wide open 'car-only' loophole in the ban by transporting her two sons around town in a succession of tanks, saddled grizzly bears, fireballs and robot pterodactyls made from shards of broken syringe-glass from now on.

Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn't in jail for smashing some bloke's face up.

But he is, and he won't be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake's going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it's looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.

Being a pop star means you get all the perks known to man; you get to travel the world, have millions of fans lust after your every move - plus you don't really have to bother with court-appointed drug tests at any given time.

Britney Spears is learning that last one only too well. Yesterday Kevin Federline hauled Britney Spears back into court for what must now be the billionth time, all because Britney has apparently missed over half of the twice-weekly drug tests that she's been ordered to take as part of her ongoing custody battle. But of course Britney Spears missed the drug tests, her lawyers have argued, because Britney Spears is a pop star, and pop stars don't have the same phone number for very long plus they have to sleep in late all the time. That's pop star law, and if Britney Spears doesn't do that then she'll be sacked as a pop star, and faced with unemployment she'll go mad and shave her head and... oh.