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Celebrities in custody

Amy Winehouse’s Hubby Still Banged Up

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn’t in jail for smashing some bloke’s face up.

But he is, and he won’t be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake’s going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it’s looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.

Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn't in jail for smashing some bloke's face up. But he is, and he won't be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake's going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it's looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.
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Britney Spears Violates Drug Tests Because ‘She’s A Pop Star’

by Stuart Heritage

Being a pop star means you get all the perks known to man; you get to travel the world, have millions of fans lust after your every move – plus you don’t really have to bother with court-appointed drug tests at any given time.

Britney Spears is learning that last one only too well. Yesterday Kevin Federline hauled Britney Spears back into court for what must now be the billionth time, all because Britney has apparently missed over half of the twice-weekly drug tests that she’s been ordered to take as part of her ongoing custody battle. But of course Britney Spears missed the drug tests, her lawyers have argued, because Britney Spears is a pop star, and pop stars don’t have the same phone number for very long plus they have to sleep in late all the time. That’s pop star law, and if Britney Spears doesn’t do that then she’ll be sacked as a pop star, and faced with unemployment she’ll go mad and shave her head and… oh.

Being a pop star means you get all the perks known to man; you get to travel the world, have millions of fans lust after your every move - plus you don't really have to bother with court-appointed drug tests at any given time. Britney Spears is learning that last one only too well. Yesterday Kevin Federline hauled Britney Spears back into court for what must now be the billionth time, all because Britney has apparently missed over half of the twice-weekly drug tests that she's been ordered to take as part of her ongoing custody battle. But of course Britney Spears missed the drug tests, her lawyers have argued, because Britney Spears is a pop star, and pop stars don't have the same phone number for very long plus they have to sleep in late all the time. That's pop star law, and if Britney Spears doesn't do that then she'll be sacked as a pop star, and faced with unemployment she'll go mad and shave her head and... oh.
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Britney Spears Gets To Pay K-Fed’s Bills, The Lucky Cow

by Stuart Heritage

Hey kids, don’t bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times – just ask Kevin Federline.

As we’ve told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn’t act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she’s the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children’s safety scissors and c) she’s loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she’s in for a shock – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline’s legal bills as well as her own.

Hey kids, don't bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times - just ask Kevin Federline. As we've told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn't act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she's the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children's safety scissors and c) she's loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she's in for a shock - Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own.
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Britney Spears Allowed To Babble & Fart At Kids Twice-Weekly

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears was supposed to regain custody of her kids yesterday, but it seems that evil Kevin Federline managed to stay one step ahead of Britney by pulling cruel tricks like communicating with the children sometimes, the wily git.

The judge in the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight has ruled not to allow Britney Spears custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James just yet. It’s all thanks to a report by Britney’s parenting coach, who worries that Britney Spears doesn’t ever talk to, or play with, her young sons and lacks the routine that children crave. But rather than banning her from seeing the kids, the judge is allowing Britney Spears to see them twice a week until the next hearing. The rest of their time will be spent with Kevin Federline, who does have a strict routine with the children.

True, the routine mainly includes listening to Popozao, counting his divorce settlement cash and ordering his infant children to make him cups of tea, but it’s still a routine.

Britney Spears was supposed to regain custody of her kids yesterday, but it seems that evil Kevin Federline managed to stay one step ahead of Britney by pulling cruel tricks like communicating with the children sometimes, the wily git. The judge in the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight has ruled not to allow Britney Spears custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James just yet. It's all thanks to a report by Britney's parenting coach, who worries that Britney Spears doesn't ever talk to, or play with, her young sons and lacks the routine that children crave. But rather than banning her from seeing the kids, the judge is allowing Britney Spears to see them twice a week until the next hearing. The rest of their time will be spent with Kevin Federline, who does have a strict routine with the children. True, the routine mainly includes listening to Popozao, counting his divorce settlement cash and ordering his infant children to make him cups of tea, but it's still a routine.
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