Hello, and welcome to the billionth edition of Britney Spears Does A Lot Of Dumb Shit That Couldn't Possibly Make A Jot Sense To Anyone, Not Even An Idiot Or A Child.

Today: Britney Spears goes to court to get her kids back but forgets to actually go all the way into the courtroom. Again.

Honestly, this stuff better be entertaining for Britney Spears, because it's starting to drain our will to live.

What's the one thing better than constantly reading about the ridiculous, abnormally braindead custody squabble between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards?

Why, watching it on TV! And that's exactly why Denise Richards has reached the genius decision to take part in a reality TV show all about her cack-brained efforts to make Charlie Sheen look as monumentally dimwitted as possible in public.

Best of all, there's nothing that Charlie Sheen can do about it.

Getting Britney Spears to take a court-enforced custody deposition lately has been a bit like trying to fit a big monkey up a flea's bumhole.

Time after time after time Britney Spears has missed her deposition appointment, or just turned up for a couple of minutes at a time, but yesterday Britney finally showed up at the offices of Kevin Federline's lawyer and spent two hours answering questions about her mostly confusing lifestyle.

Isn't it great when 'Britney Spears does something she's supposed to' becomes earth-shaking news?

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday - she just didn't heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn't lose her kids was to attend yesterday's custody hearing, it's been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears - where does her semi-appearance leave our 'arse out' promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We're so confused.

Regaining custody is fourth on Britney Spears' agenda right now, after finding her marbles, tightening her screws and trying to keep out of the booby hatch.

However, if Britney Spears is serious about clawing at least some semblance of custody back after her recent episode, she should probably listen to the advice telling her to show up to a court hearing today. Britney Spears has been warned that this could be her last chance at gaining visitation rights.

However, Britney Spears is so unlikely to show her face in court today that we'll get our arses out on the internet if she does.*

Now that she's at her lowest-ever ebb, it seems obvious that what Britney Spears needs is some homespun, slightly sensationalist advice given by a TV presenter who looks like a shaved bear.

So with that in mind, thank Christ that Dr Phil has taken it upon himself to personally wade in and resolve to fix Britney Spears' broken mind forever. According reports, Dr Phil managed to accompany Britney Spears home after her weird little episode on Thursday evening that ended up with her being wheeled to hospital in a stretcher for psychological tests. And Dr Phil is so hell-bent on sorting out Britney Spears' life that he's even going to do a TV show all about it tomorrow. And quite right too, because if anything's going to set Britney onto the straight and narrow it's the sight of a chubby bald man pointing at a photo of her and shouting "Let's do it! Get real!" 350 times on the trot on daytime TV.

It's been a few hours since Britney Spears was wheeled out of her house on a stretcher, possibly on drugs, after a dispute with Kevin Federline over custody of their children.

So what more do we know now? Well, the main news is that Britney Spears has gone to hospital for tests. Not maths or spelling tests - it's far too early to put a strain like that on someone as fragile as Britney Spears - but psychological tests. After a run of weird behaviour that's lasted long over a year, doctors will soon check Britney Spears' system for drugs and alcohol and then begin to assess her mentally to see if she's a danger to herself, her kids or anyone else around her. This process might take anything up to three days, which means by Monday morning we'll know if Britney Spears is a heartbreaking sufferer of a mental illness of just a bit of an overdramatic numpty.

Britney Spears would be the dream client for most lawyers - dumb enough to keep getting into trouble and rich enough to be able to pay for it - but not Sorrell Trope, which is a shame because he happens to be Britney Spears' lawyer.

Or he was. Or he is but won't be soon. Sorrell Trope has asked to quit the Britney Spears custody case citing a 'breakdown in communications' between the law firm and the singer. Although that's as far as the explanation goes, it's thought that the reason for Sorrell Trope's resignation is either a) that he's exasperated because Britney Spears keeps missing court-appointed deposition meetings, b) that he's as bored of this Britney Spears custody nonsense as the rest of us or c) that he's tired of having to constantly explain what a deposition actually is to Britney Spears. And what custody is. And what children are. And how pens work.