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Celebrities in custody

Kerry Katona Fights For Her Children Sort of, Is An Idiot Definitely

by hecklerspray staff

Yes people, the legal battle of the century is indeed underway. In the red corner sits wheezing fat Essex toss-fuck Kerry Katona and in the blue corner ex-Westlife ex-fatman ex-husband of aforementioned fat Essex toss-fuck, Brian thingy.

Look, listen, Bri wants his fucking kids back, OK? And he’s prepared to go to any lengths necessary to get them, even if it means stating the fucking obvious to the British press. From the Daily Mail :

“Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes. Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games. She uses my two girls as a weapon in her childish games. She is an embarrassment to me, my family and my children.”

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Britney Spears’ Kids To Be Spooked Out By Mummy Some More

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears’ court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn’t cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success.

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

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Britney Spears & Kevin Federline In Court All Over Again

by Stuart Heritage

Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot.

And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what – there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!

It’s so exciting – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.

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Amy Winehouse Cautioned For Nutting That Good Samaritan

by Paul Sorrenti

Fuck me pumps! Crack smoking millionaire Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when traveling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

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Britney Spears Gets Saddled With Gigantic Legal Bill

by Stuart Heritage

All through this messy Britney Spears custody business, we’ve often felt that those coming out of it worst were the poor impoverished lawyers.

Sure, Britney’s lack of contact with her children sent her on a horrifying spiral of mental illness, and her children have spent huge amounts of very important time away from their mother, but nobody thinks twice about the lawyers, toiling away for sometimes as little as $600 per hour in slightly less than palatial surroundings.

But don’t worry – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay almost $400,000 in legal bills. Don’t worry little Timmy, you will get your new crutches for Christmas after all! And a gold-plated private jet shaped like a dinosaur that’s piloted exclusively by three of the Pussycat Dolls! It’s going to be OK!

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Britney Spears Vs Kevin Federline: Money Fight!

by Stuart Heritage

The Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody case has been going on forever, mainly because most people agree that the kids would be better off being looked after by a pack of hungry bears than either of them.

But, although the custody case must be emotionally hard for both Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, it’s only financially hard for Britney Spears because she’s paying all the legal bills.

And now Britney Spears wants that to stop. Britney’s lawyers have been in court trying to get Kevin Federline to hire a lawyer with his own funds, but Kevin’s not scared. If Britney wins this legal fight then he’ll just have to find the best lawyers that a scrunched-up $5 bill and half a packet of Funyuns will buy.

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Britney Spears Does That ‘Not Showing Up’ Thing Again

by Stuart Heritage

Hello, and welcome to the billionth edition of Britney Spears Does A Lot Of Dumb Shit That Couldn’t Possibly Make A Jot Sense To Anyone, Not Even An Idiot Or A Child.

Today: Britney Spears goes to court to get her kids back but forgets to actually go all the way into the courtroom. Again.

Honestly, this stuff better be entertaining for Britney Spears, because it’s starting to drain our will to live.

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Denise Richards To Make Best TV Show In History

by Stuart Heritage

What’s the one thing better than constantly reading about the ridiculous, abnormally braindead custody squabble between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards?

Why, watching it on TV! And that’s exactly why Denise Richards has reached the genius decision to take part in a reality TV show all about her cack-brained efforts to make Charlie Sheen look as monumentally dimwitted as possible in public.

Best of all, there’s nothing that Charlie Sheen can do about it.

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Holy Poo! Britney Spears Actually Shows Up For Something!

by Stuart Heritage

Getting Britney Spears to take a court-enforced custody deposition lately has been a bit like trying to fit a big monkey up a flea’s bumhole.

Time after time after time Britney Spears has missed her deposition appointment, or just turned up for a couple of minutes at a time, but yesterday Britney finally showed up at the offices of Kevin Federline’s lawyer and spent two hours answering questions about her mostly confusing lifestyle.

Isn’t it great when ‘Britney Spears does something she’s supposed to’ becomes earth-shaking news?

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Britney Spears Sort Of Goes To Court, Loses Kids Anyway

by Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday – she just didn’t heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn’t lose her kids was to attend yesterday’s custody hearing, it’s been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our ‘arse out’ promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We’re so confused.

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