Articles tagged with: Celebrities in custody
It's been a while since we stopped by Planet Britney, mostly because there are only so many ways you can poke fun at the mentally unwell.
However, it seems as if Britney Spears might actually be getting better in leaps and bounds, because she's just been granted that most valuable of parenting rights - the overnight visit.
Sean Preston and Jayden James being able to sleep at their mother's house isn't just good news for Britney Spears - Kevin Federline will also benefit from the ruling - it means he'll now get to wake up some mornings without the hassle of dealing with crap and piss-covered bedsheets. Seriously, sneaking them into the washing machine before the kids woke up and wondered why daddy's room smelt funny was such a chore.
Lindsay Lohan may have the age and profound emotional maturity to function away from her parents, but she's not the only Lohan kid. Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it's time for some petty court-based squabbling. Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It's an important time for those little darlings - who'll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!
Yes people, the legal battle of the century is indeed underway. In the red corner sits wheezing fat Essex toss-fuck Kerry Katona and in the blue corner ex-Westlife ex-fatman ex-husband of aforementioned fat Essex toss-fuck, Brian thingy. Look, listen, Bri wants his fucking kids back, OK? And he’s prepared to go to any lengths necessary to get them, even if it means stating the fucking obvious to the British press. From the Daily Mail : "Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes. Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games. She uses my two girls as a weapon in her childish games. She is an embarrassment to me, my family and my children."
Britney Spears' court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn't cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success. But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears' child visitation rights, you see. Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.
Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot. And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what - there's a custody rematch scheduled for today! It's so exciting - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they'll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.
Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested. According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution. Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs. And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.
All through this messy Britney Spears custody business, we've often felt that those coming out of it worst were the poor impoverished lawyers. Sure, Britney's lack of contact with her children sent her on a horrifying spiral of mental illness, and her children have spent huge amounts of very important time away from their mother, but nobody thinks twice about the lawyers, toiling away for sometimes as little as $600 per hour in slightly less than palatial surroundings. But don't worry - Britney Spears has been ordered to pay almost $400,000 in legal bills. Don't worry little Timmy, you will get your new crutches for Christmas after all! And a gold-plated private jet shaped like a dinosaur that's piloted exclusively by three of the Pussycat Dolls! It's going to be OK!
The Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody case has been going on forever, mainly because most people agree that the kids would be better off being looked after by a pack of hungry bears than either of them.
But, although the custody case must be emotionally hard for both Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, it's only financially hard for Britney Spears because she's paying all the legal bills.
And now Britney Spears wants that to stop. Britney's lawyers have been in court trying to get Kevin Federline to hire a lawyer with his own funds, but Kevin's not scared. If Britney wins this legal fight then he'll just have to find the best lawyers that a scrunched-up $5 bill and half a packet of Funyuns will buy.
