Now don’t get us wrong, this is certainly bitter. The problem is that it’s the divorce of Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and if she was any less famous then she’d be, well, you.

However, since Kelly Rutherford’s divorce contains pregnancy, accusations of assault, laptop-throwing, violent temper tantrums and a child that appears to be unironically named after a brand of handbag, we’re willing to let the non-fame pass. But only this once, you hear? We’re not a bloody charity, Kelly.

Kelly Rutherford might be the least famous woman on the planet at the moment, but at least she’s got a decent plan to change that. First she got a job acting on Gossip Girl, which is admittedly a show so awful that most people would rather fling themselves under a tram than even be in the same room as a television that’s broadcasting it, but it’s a start.

Then Kelly Rutherford decided to get pregnant, a desperate bid for fame that has previously worked for the likes of Angelina Jolie, Queen Victoria, Barack Obama’s wife and your mum. And now Kelly Rutherford is ready for the final stage – the bitter, petty, public divorce from her estranged husband. Kelly Rutherford, welcome to the big league.

The source of the bitterness is a custody scrap between Kelly Rutherford and husband Daniel Giersch over their two-year-old-son Hermes. The long and the short of it is that Kelly Rutherford wants to take Hermes from California to New York while she films Gossip Girl because she thinks that Giersch will run away with the boy and never return again, and Daniel Giersch thinks that Hermes should stay with him in California because Rutherford is a mad-faced old nutter who can’t stop throwing computers at people.

Incidentally, what is it with mothers in custody cases and laptop-throwing? First Denise Richards did it, and now Kelly Rutherford’s been accused of it too? The message is clear – if you’re planning to leave your wife, invest in a netbook. Or better yet, a notepad. Or better yet, a roll of bubblewrap and a markerpen. Anyway, E! Online has more:

In a brief court hearing this morning, Rutherford’s attorney, Lance Spiegel, said that the move would be in keeping with little Hermes’ bicoastal lifestyle and that interrupting the routine could prove detrimental as the toddler “has never once spent a night away from his mother.” Takesh Hallin, an attorney for the 34-year-old Giersch, meanwhile, maintained that his client was the boy’s primary caretaker.

Don’t get too excited about this divorce, though – although the potential for ugliness is huge, Kelly Rutherford is due to start filming Gossip Girl in New York this weekend, so a verdict will no doubt be reached imminently.

We wouldn’t like to put ideas into the judge’s head, but there does seem to be one glaringly obvious solution to this mess, here – find out which parent decided to call their son Hermes, and then give custody to the other one. Bingo – problem solved.

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Cross 50 Cent and you’ll know. You’re entire family will know it. Everyone you’ve ever cared for will know it. Unless, you know, it’s a dispute that can be peacefully mediated in a courtroom within the space of about five minutes, because if that’s the case 50 Cent will probably just do that instead.

And that’s just what 50 Cent did yesterday, to settle a custody agreement over visitation rights to his 12-year-old son Marquise. In the agreement 50 Cent will spend more time with Marquise, and that’s important. Not because a boy of Marquise’s age needs a strong father figure, though – but because now 50 Cent has even more time to relentlessly apologise for deciding to name him something as crap as Marquise.

If you’ve seen Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, you’ll know how much 50 Cent has been through. But you haven’t seen Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ because you can read, and we suspect that the movie was for the medically illiterate only.

So, to fill you all in, 50 Cent has been involved with guns and drug dealing, his mother was murdered when he was eight, and 50 Cent himself got shot once. Keep that to yourself, though, because Fiddy likes to keep that a secret.

But recently 50 Cent had found himself saddled with the hardest problem of his entire life – custody visitation rights. You might think that we’re joking, but we’re really not – look at what it did to Alec Baldwin. The custody saga of 50 Cent’s son Marquise has already stripped 50 Cent’s gangsta credibility to its bare bones – he even had to go to court to admit that he doesn’t take drugs at one point – and now tragedy has struck.

That’s right – a judge has ruled that 50 Cent is allowed to see his son more often than he currently does. That means before long we’re likely to see 50 Cent taking his son to the park or feeding ducks or – worst of all – showing traces of actual kindness towards another human being. MTV reports:

The judge in the case granted 50 one weekend visit a month (he had requested two a month), as well as half of Marquise’s winter and spring breaks from school. TMZ reported that 50 was also granted one month in the summer. “50 is pleased this has been settled and looks forward to spending some quality time with his son,” the rapper’s attorney, Brett Kimmel, told People.

Although giving up his credibility as a hip-hop hardman – look, even his lawyers are too scared to call him anything but ‘50′ – is going to be hard, at least little Marquise will be able to spend some quality time with his father from now on, and that time will be too precious to put a price on.

Right up until puberty hits Marquise full force, that is, because living with a hormonal boy who’s just realised that girls won’t talk to him because his dimwit parents decided to name him Marquise will easily be the most formidable opponent that 50 Cent has ever faced. If we were Fiddy we’d get our bedroom doors reinforced – that boy’s a timebomb.

And this ability has ultimately been Sharon Stone’s undoing. Sharon Stone lost custody of her child recently, with one of the justifications being that Sharon’s eight-year-old son had feet that smelt like putrid bum death, and she wanted to cure this with regular Botox injections into his feet.

However, Sharon Stone has denied wanting to Botox her son’s feet, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’. But on the other hand, she did give him a browlift to stop his sweaty armpits and a brand new set of 36DD plastic boobies to try and offset his chronic farting, so who knows.

Say what you like about Sharon Stone – that she’s capable of astounding cultural insensitivity or that when she dies the picture in the obituary will be of her genitals – but you can never say that she doesn’t care about her son.

Sharon Stone has always wanted what’s best for eight-year-old-Roan. Just look at his feet for example – although he’s only eight, sometimes it looks like Roan has the feet of a nine or sometimes even nine-and-a-half-year-old. And, oh, don’t get us even started on the smell. Roan’s feet constantly smell like – and this isn’t an exaggeration – a thousand dead animals in a swimming pool full of vomit next to a sewerage treatment plant in Africa at midday.

But, as Sharon Stone knows only too well, the best cure for both of these complaints is Botox. She knows this, we’re guessing, because Botox is what keeps people from realising that a) she’s actually 94 years old and b) her face smells uncomfortably of toilet. Ergo, it makes perfect sense that Sharon Stone wanted to Botox her son’s feet to stop them smelling.

This ingenious plan backfired somewhat, however, when the judge overseeing the custody battle over Roan between Stone and ex-husband Phil Bronstein caught wind of it – along with the way that Sharon Stone also invented a nonexistent spinal complaint for Roan as well – and whipped custody away from Sharon Stone as quick as can be.

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Sharon Stone at this point – who knew that regularly injecting a child’s feet with a form of botulism toxin to stop a naturally-occurring condition equated with bad parenting? – but Sharon Stone has now denied that she ever wanted to Botox anyone’s feet anyway, sort of. E! Online reports:

“This week it was reported in connection with Sharon Stone’s custody dispute that she wanted to have her 8-year-old son undergo Botox treatment at this time for his feet,”  attorney Marty Singer said. “Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication.”

And that’s true. Sharon Stone didn’t make this statement at all – the judge overseeing Sharon Stone’s custody hearing made this statement, presumably on that basis that there was some form of evidence for it.

But anyway, at least this is all over now, and everyone can go back to normal. Except for little Roan, who’ll now have to grow up with the world thinking that his feet smell like gutrot. But he’ll get the last laugh – one day he’ll seek his revenge by penning a Mommie Dearest-style movie about his bewildering childhood.

True, nobody will watch it because the entire cast will have had their faces Botoxed into complete immobility for verisimilitude’s sake, but that’s something to deal with when it happens.

Of course, once those things were obtained we’d dote on them, treating them each individually with great love and deep respect at least until age six, when their value in the middle east really peaks.

Speaking of which – thanks for the price guide, Amir, but do you have one in the King’s English?

If you think that’s bad – you should see Sharon Stone’s parenting. She wants to pump her child so full of Botox that his seams start to burst. That’s why a judge just banished her to only seeing him two weekends a month or something.

It is a scientific fact that if the Chinese had properly Botoxed the ground in their country, that earthquake that mercilessly slaughtered them a while back would have been much more fluid in its rumbling. Also it would have been far more enjoyable. Fun even.

Likewise, if Stone had soaked all of her fur-based clothing overnight in tubs filled with Botox, then said attire would likely glow with a radiance it hadn’t known since it was living in its glory. Its glory was probably on a multi-cage mink farm, but you get what we mean.

Perhaps Stone doesn’t know it yet – but Botox could be the answer to all of her worries. Actually, maybe she does know it. We actually have no idea what kind of things are getting tossed around her grey matter up there – except for maybe a rudimentary Basic Instinct 3 outline. And possibly wondering what it’d be like to lick an in-store pumpkin she hadn’t yet paid for. Also maybe she wonders why her school-age son’s feet already seem to have so many frown lines and brow furrows. We really don’t know.

But a certain judge sure seems to have a grasp on her mental goings-on. It’s the judge that recently took Stone’s parental rights (or most of them) and poured them all over her ex-husband. His highness the judge didn’t do it without reason though – he did it because Stone wanted to fill her son’s feet with Botox. E! Online says:

“Specifically, [The Judge] took issue with Stone’s mothering prowess and apparent overreaction to [her son's] complaints. “Mother alleged Roan had a spinal condition,” the judge noted. “There was no evidence to support this allegation.” And this doozy: “Mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor.”

We know Stone, we know. It’s gotta be hard living in California with a child that can’t wear anything open-toed without you having to lug around one of those oxygen tank things to keep you breathing OK. They make them with wheels you know. You wouldn’t have to carry it.

But obviously something’s gotta be done – and might we suggest that the ’something’ you try be Saran Wrap. It won’t stop your troubles, but it’ll sure contain them.

And it’ll show the judge you can be a parent without inflicting cosmetic surgeries onto your child.

We hear that’s a real plus in most family courts.

But maybe Sharon Stone isn’t such a fantastic mother after all, because it turns out that she’s lost physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein.

That’s upsetting. Not for Sharon Stone – she’s old enough to cope with this – but for her son. After all, this means he’ll never get to experience the unique form of schoolyard bullying that comes from having your naked 50-year-old mother who happens to be an intense figure of hatred to the entire Chinese community drop you off at school every morning. That poor boy. That poor poor boy.

It’s hard to see how Sharon Stone’s 2008 could get any worse, really. Sure, she may have enraged the next superpower-in-waiting by explaining that it deserved its horrific earthquake for the way it was sometimes mean to the Dalai Lama, but that’s not the worst thing to happen to Sharon Stone this year by far. No, the worst thing to happen to Sharon Stone is that next month she’s starring in a Jimmy Fallon film. That’s so awful we almost feel sorry for her.

Oh, and Sharon Stone’s also lost physical custody of her son. But, really, Jimmy Fallon.

Anyway, back to the custody thing. It’s been revealed that Sharon Stone no longer has physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan despite doing her best to turn that around in court. The LA Times reports:

According to the court documents from a Sept. 12 custody hearing, Phil Bronstein “shall have permanent sole physical custody of child. Court finds that Respondent (Sharon Stone) failed to meet her burden of proof and denies Respondent’s (Sharon Stone’s) request for modification of custody.” The judge also notes that this order is permanent unless there is a change of circumstances.

Actually, we admit it, we do feel a little bit sorry for Sharon Stone here. Having a child taken away from you must be excruciatingly painful. Imagine how lonely it must be to verbally molest an entire nation or have it off with Christian Slater knowing that there isn’t an eight-year-old boy a few feet away with his eyes closed and his hands clamped over his ears wishing he was anywhere else on Earth. It must be really bloody lonely.

Still, you know what this means. It means that Britney Spears needs to watch the hell out. With Sharon Stone losing custody of her son, Britney runs the risk of not being the worst mother in Hollywood any more. If we were Britney we’d be upping our game to counter this title challenge sharpish. And that means one thing – Britney, it’s time to start firing your children out of cannons at helicopters. You know it makes sense.

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star’s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

And that means, you guessed it, it’s time for another one. And this one is serious! Denise Richards has trotted off to court to request an emergency order restricting Charlie Sheen’s access to their children. According to Denise Richards, there’s a serious issue in Charlie Sheen’s home that could have an adverse effect on the children.

Since this is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about, we’ve whittled the possible causes for concern down to a) whores, b) drugs or c) DVD copies of Two And A Half Men. For the children’s sake we can only pray that it’s not the latter. They’re just children, for crying out loud.

Imagine that it’s your job to decide whether Denise Richards or Charlie Sheen is a more suitable parent. Imagine that’s what you do every day. What a shit job that must be. You’d idle hours away wishing that you’d studied something more sensible at college, wouldn’t you, like dipping your genitals into wasps’ nests or seeing how many times you could kick a sleeping crocodile in the mouth before it woke up.

But someone does have that job and, by christ, are they ever earning their money. The choice between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards is essentially a choice between a man with a history chocked full of drugs and whores, and a woman who throws computers at the elderly.

What’s more, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen really hate each other. Denise hates Charlie so much that she made a reality TV show called Denise Richards: The Father Of My Children Is A Gigantic Dicksplat or something, and Charlie hates Denise so much he won’t even give her any of his sperm. The pair of them aren’t getting any friendlier, either.

We know this because, for the trillionth time this year, Denise Richards has requested an emergency order from a court banning Charlie Sheen from seeing his kids. Why? OK! knows why:

At an emergency hearing, the 37-year-old claimed there were serious issues at the actor’s home that need to be evaluated before the children could visit – allegations Charlie’s team is leery of.

OK, so maybe OK! doesn’t know why. Nobody knows why, in fact. And they won’t know until next week, because the proper judge is on holiday and the stand-in judge doesn’t want anything to do with it because, clearly, she is a very sensible woman.

So in the meantime at least we have a nice firework display between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards to sit back and admire. Now Charlie’s lawyers are claiming that this is all just a lot of hot air designed to detract from his recent Emmy nomination and make him less likely to win.

We’d be inclined to disagree with this because, if anything, it has raised awareness of Charlie’s Emmy nomination. It doesn’t mean he stands a better chance of winning it now because he’s been nominated for Two And A Half Men, and surely people aren’t stupid enough to let that win anything, other than a box of Anthrax.

So that’s that. Chances are next week we’ll discover what issue was so serious that it made Denise Richards try to call an emergency hearing.

And even if we don’t, it’s no big deal – she’s probably going to try and call another six or seven before the month is out.

But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it’s not particularly great news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that’s hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons – all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like ‘Cornrows make you look cool’ or ‘Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun’. Poor Britney won’t even have a chance to hug them.

The child custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline never really took off the way anyone expected it to. While Charlie and Denise and Alec and Kim spent their time lashing out at one another in public, Britney and Kevin seemed to genuinely want the best for their children. Which is good for the kids but rubbish for us. Nobody ever thinks of us.

The potential was there – it’s not often that a child custody case comes along where the mother is a woman who shaves her head and calls herself the devil and the father sometimes goes to court dressed as a pirate – but the sparks never really flew between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline the way everyone expected them to. Stupid anti-psychotic medication.

But now it’s over. It’s all over. Rather than allow the court commissioner to give the children the best possible chance at life they had – by sending them to Cambodia to stitch footballs together, or giving them to a pack of hungry bears, or just letting them crawl around on the motorway – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a custody settlement.

And that settlement is sole custody for Kevin Federline with occasional visits from Britney Spears. E! Online spoke to Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan:

“The case has been settled. The court still has to approve it. As of this evening there is a fully executed deal memo… All the issues that would have been addressed at trial have been settled… Kevin is absolutely delighted.”

That’s not to say that Kevin Federline will have sole custody of the kids forever, though – once Britney Spears has recovered to the extent that she no longer needs a conservator, it’s thought that Federline is open to the idea of giving her co-parenting status again.

But that’s just a possibility to deal with in the future. For now Kevin Federline has sole custody of his kids. And, you know, perhaps it’s for the best.

After all, Britney Spears obviously still isn’t well enough to look after herself, let alone her children – and this means that she’s freed up to concentrate on making a professional comeback to the best of her abilities.

And this custody settlement has also boosted Kevin Federline’s credibility as a father. He’s had to put up with jibes about his ability for a couple of years now, but gaining sole custody means that he’s clearly a very capable father.

Plus it’s wicked funny when he dresses the babies up in tuxedos and gets them to act as beer butlers at house parties until 4am, too – now he gets to do that whenever he wants.

However, it seems as if Britney Spears might actually be getting better in leaps and bounds, because she's just been granted that most valuable of parenting rights – the overnight visit. 

Sean Preston and Jayden James being able to sleep at their mother's house isn't just good news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline will also benefit from the ruling – it means he'll now get to wake up some mornings without the hassle of dealing with crap and piss-covered bedsheets. Seriously, sneaking them into the washing machine before the kids woke up and wondered why daddy's room smelt funny was such a chore.

It's been a long, hard, harrowing journey so far – sometimes it felt like being trapped in a tunnel with no beginning and no end. There have been tears, there have been tantrums, but finally the clouds are starting to lift – Britney Spears might be getting well enough for us not to feel like monsters for taking the piss out of her. Hooray!

Ever since she locked herself in a bathroom topless with one of her kids and didn't come out until the brain doctors turned up, we've had to say goodbye to comically unaware Britney Spears, and had to make do with a Britney Spears who was such an unfit liability that she wasn't even allowed to go to the toilet by herself for fear that she'd wind up trying to strangle herself with her own piss-stream in a traumatic cry for help.

However, with the help of her parents, Britney Spears has been fighting to get better. And this has been for one reason only – to get her kids back. Sure, Britney might have behaved slightly irresponsibly with them in the past but – spurred on by the knowledge that her sons probably lose two or three of their already meagre IQ points for every hour they spend in direct contact with Kevin Federline – she's made winning them back her absolute goal.

And yesterday Britney Spears took a very definite step forward. That's right – Britney Spears has now been granted permission to lie unconscious in an entirely separate room to her equally unconscious children. Happy days! E! Online reports:

The court session, attended by both Spears and Kevin Federline, resulted in "a change of visitation status" for the new aunt, Los Angeles Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini told reporters at a brief posthearing press conference. Sources told E! News that Court Commissioner Scott Gordon granted Spears overnight visits with her sons, beginning as soon as this weekend.

It's a proud moment for Britney Spears' recovery, that's for sure. In effect the Court Commissioner has said that Britney Spears isn't as likely to stay up all night letting off an unrelenting stream of harrowing animal yowls as she was before. Or that she is as likely to do that but it'll sound like a beautiful lullaby to the kids after six months of hearing Popozao all the poxy time. We haven't quite worked that one out yet.

Anyway, congratulations to Britney Spears for reaching this important landmark. We look forward to the day when we can once again mock you for your dreadful fashion choices without having to quietly wonder if you're dressing like that because you're actually insane.

Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it’s time for some petty court-based squabbling.

Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It’s an important time for those little darlings – who’ll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!

Having two parents who love each other can be such a snore – for starters it means that they don’t individually buy you ostentatiously large birthday presents to try and out-do the other one, but you’ll also never know the joy of your mother specially crafting a range of chocolate bar wrappers that deliberately besmirch your father’s reputation.

That’s why we’re so jealous of Ali and Dakota Lohan, the 14 and 11-year-old siblings of Lindsay Lohan. And that’s not just because we haven’t got the prematurely grizzled voice and dead-eyed facial expression of a war veteran that Ali Lohan has, either – but because their divorced parents are so transparently focused on merciless self-promotion at the cost of everything else that their birthday presents must be huge.

Recently there’s been a little bit of a flare-up between Dina and Michael Lohan. Dina, as you know, now has her own reality show to prove what a good mother she is, and Michael Lohan has a new column on a magazine’s website dedicated to slagging that reality show off.

It’s all very bitter, and apparently rooted in Dina Lohan not letting Michael Lohan see his kids any more. And that’s why everyone went back to court yesterday for another round of tedious custody discussions. OK! reports:

Battling exes Dina and Michael Lohan have returned to a Long Island court Tuesday afternoon over custody issues. Michael claims that his ex-wife has violated their visitation agreement with their minor children, Ali, 14, and Dakota, 11. According to Michael’s attorney, John DiMascio Jr., Dina has forbidden his client from visiting the children.

There’ll be another custody hearing next month, but the judge overseeing the case so far seems satisfied that both sides are working together to bring this issue to a mutually-agreed end.

Ali and Dakota Lohan must be so pleased by this outcome. Soon enough, with the right direction from the courts, they’ll be able to spend quality time with both their parents – the mother who was most recently seen on TV partying after being told that her house had caught fire with them in it, and the father who went to prison for trying to attack a relative with a shoe.

Yes, those kids are going to be just fine. We like happy endings.

Look, listen, Bri wants his fucking kids back, OK? And he’s prepared to go to any lengths necessary to get them, even if it means stating the fucking obvious to the British press. From the Daily Mail :

“Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes. Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games. She uses my two girls as a weapon in her childish games. She is an embarrassment to me, my family and my children.”

Way to go Brian! But you forgot to inject, “idiot,” “fat moron fuck,” and, “smokes and drinks and possibly takes cocaine whilst pregnant” as many times as possible into your sentences. These are very important. Remember to tell your lawyer, OK? And say hi to Delta Goodrem from us while you’re at it. We would leave Katona for that bitch too. Actually, no, that would require us to get with her in the first place and we would never do something that utterly moronic due to having a reasonable level of intellect. Look into getting one of them, they’re really quite helpful.

Good thing you live in Australia Brian or else Kerry’s new husband, Mark Croft would be all over you with a hammer and some dogs right about now. Due to all the publicity you’re garnering for his client Max Clifford would also be sucking the shit out of your cock. Perhaps a sneaky finger up the bumhole too. In between the radiotherapy sessions of course. Don’t be so fucking sick, Brian. Jesus.

But, listen up again, yeah? Kerry isn’t prepared to just sit on her fat anus and eat twenty menthol fags whilst breathing crack into the faces of her children. NO! Katona has only gone and retorted, hasn’t she. Well, sort of. Her mate Sophie told Heat magazine this mouth balls:

“Kerry is not scares, she’s upset and disappointed because Brian seems to making a habit of attacking her and it is all one-way traffic. The only way that Brian seems to be able to attract any sort of media interest or publicity is by attacking Kerry.”

Kerry is not scares. Seriously, that bitch is not scares one bit.

We hope you get them kids, Bri. Remain unscares. Although, remember your ‘definitely not addicted to drugs for legal reasons’ ex wife did win Mother of the Year. Twice. That’s two times. Kerry Katona. Mother of the Year. Twice.

The world is a sad and dark place.

Read more:

Kerry Katona and Brian McFadden’s custody war rages on in ’showbiz’s bloodiest battle’ – Daily Mail

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

There’s a lot of talk about Britney Spears being a bad mother just because she drove with one of them on her lap once and seems constantly on the brink of a messy bipolar sobbing suicide attempt – but it’s clear that actually Britney Spears is a good mother.

Why? Because there’s a statue of Britney Spears with a baby poking out of her minge. Is there a statue of a baby poking out of your minge? Thought not. And when Britney Spears had a harrowing breakdown that resulted in her admission into a psychiatric hospital, who did she think to take hostage in a locked bathroom until the police were called? That’s right – her children. Would you think to do that? No, no you wouldn’t. You’re the bad mother here. Britney Spears is the best.

That’s not just our opinion either – that’s the opinion of the commissioner in charge of yesterday’s custody hearing between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. OK, maybe ‘the best’ is an overstatement. Let’s try ‘marginally less likely to cause her children harm than three months ago’ instead.

That’s right – yesterday Britney Spears was told that she can see her children slightly more often than before, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

The singer’s visitation rights to sons Sean Preston and Jayden James were expanded Tuesday after a custody hearing with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline. According to Usmagazine.com, there was no change in custody. Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan merely said that her time with the boys will be “more than it has been.” But according to TMZ.com, Spears will get three days supervised visitation a week and visitation on Mother’s Day.

This result is a good sign for all involved, notably Britney Spears. The more time she gets to spend with her children, the more she’ll become aware that she has a wider responsibility than to just herself. But Britney Spears isn’t the only one to feel the benefit of the commissioner’s decision.

Kevin Federline now gets a little more free time to research answers to some of the tricky questions that his children ask, like ‘why is the sky blue?’ and ‘how many legs does a doggy have?’

And, best of all, the kids get to see Britney Spears again. Not the singing, dancing pop princess Britney Spears from the TV that the rest of us get to see, but the dead-eyed, emotionally brittle psychiatric patient Britney Spears who gave birth to them. Heartwarming.

Read more:

Happy Mother’s Day, y’all: Britney Spears allowed more time with her boys – LA Times

And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what – there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!

It’s so exciting – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.

Having seen Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother, you’ve probably come to the conclusion that she’s fully recovered from that nasty gravely disabled thing from three months ago. After all, only someone irrefutably sane can make a brief, mediocre sex joke at Doogie Howser after a week of parrot-fashion rehearsals, right?

But that’s where you’re wrong. Although Britney Spears has made some progress since her father took conservatorship of her estate – by now the sight of Britney Spears’ vagina is a distant, though still admittedly nightmare-inducing, memory – she’s still not well enough to have full visitation rights with her children.

It’s not quite as bad as it was – the risk of Britney Spears locking herself in the bathroom with the kids and giving off the vague impression that she might kill one of them has fallen slightly – but as it stands Britney only gets occasional time with her kids, and they’re always in the presence of a court-appointed monitor who’s probably armed with a taser and a net or whatever the modern-day equivalent is.

But today Britney Spears gets to face her ex-husband and current primary guardian of her children Kevin Federline in court for a custody hearing. Could this finally be Britney’s chance to win her children back? Could it?

No, of course it couldn’t. Britney Spears is mental. Weren’t you listening to anything we just said? People reports:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are both expected to attend a hearing in Los Angeles family court Tuesday for a progress review, sources confirm. Though Spears has spent the last several months keeping a relatively low profile – and staying out of trouble – experts say it’s unlikely the pair’s current custody arrangement will change. “As long as Britney remains under a conservatorship, she has a long way to go before the court views her as a capable mother,” says L.A. family lawyer Scott Weston, who is not involved in the case.

Of course you’re right, family lawyer Scott Weston who is not involved in the case, it’d be ludicrous to imagine that Britney Spears is well enough to look after two young boys if she can’t even look after herself. We never should have doubted you.

But one day maybe Britney Spears will finally get custody of her children, and the sooner it happens the better. Not because we’re emotionally invested in Britney’s mental welfare or anything, but because every day that Sean Preston and Jayden James get looked after by Kevin Federline is another day that daddy teaches them that the seventh letter of the alphabet is pronounced “grundle” and that real love involves making sure his bong water is the right temperature.

Read more:

Britney & Kevin to Meet in Court – People

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

A Scotland Yard spokeswoman said yesterday:

“A 24-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of assault after attending a central London police station by appointment.”

The attacks supposedly occurred in the early hours of Wednesday morning – the exact same day she was revealed to be the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’.

It’s a sequence of events that has no doubt got Mary Whitehouse shitting all over herself as she spins violently in her decently decorated, stinking, whingeing grave.

Add to this the fact that, earlier in the week, Amy was nominated for no less than three Ivor Novello Awards, and it all adds up to one of the most successful periods of her young life.

If hecklerspray had a week like that we’d be out on the town immediately, straight down to Camden to sample the plethora of class-A delights available to you on any given corner.

Go for it Amy! You deserve it.

Read More – Amy Cautioned Over Alleged Assault – Sky News

Sure, Britney’s lack of contact with her children sent her on a horrifying spiral of mental illness, and her children have spent huge amounts of very important time away from their mother, but nobody thinks twice about the lawyers, toiling away for sometimes as little as $600 per hour in slightly less than palatial surroundings.

But don’t worry – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay almost $400,000 in legal bills. Don’t worry little Timmy, you will get your new crutches for Christmas after all! And a gold-plated private jet shaped like a dinosaur that’s piloted exclusively by three of the Pussycat Dolls! It’s going to be OK!

It doesn’t get mentioned much, but one of the downsides of being mentally unstable is that it’s so bloody expensive. Gone are the days when the mentally unwell can join travelling fairgrounds and make a living operating complicated machinery – now it’s all medical bills this and legal bills that, plus you have to spend a small fortune restocking your diminished underwear drawer.

And all of this being too psychologically disturbed to see your children malarkey is hitting Britney Spears right where it hurts – in the wallet. We already know that Britney Spears has to pay Kevin Federline’s legal bills, but what about her own? Who pays them? Here’s a clue: it’s either Kevin Federline, internationally known Brazilian harpist Cristina Braga or Britney Spears herself.

Here’s another clue: it’s Britney Spears. And those legal bills are getting pretty close to $400,000. E! Online reports:

A court commissioner on Thursday approved a request from Britney’s coconservators to pay nearly $400,000 in legal bills using money from her estate’s private trust… Following a brief closed session, Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz allocated a $100,000 advance to Wallet; $10,000 per week to Britney’s court-appointed attorney, Samuel Ingham, until July 31, when the temporary conservatorship is currently set to expire; $175,000 to Wyle’s firm, Luce Forward; $22,500 for Bryan Spears’ attorney, Clark Byam; and $75,000 to family attorney Stacy Phillips, who was recently rehired to fight Britney’s custody battles.

We know, it sounds like an insanely huge lump of money for Britney Spears to pay on lawyers alone – enough to sink most people, in fact – but don’t forget that Britney Spears is worth approximately $100 million, so she can quite happily spuff away $400,000 on up to 250 more fruitless legal endeavours without worrying too much.

And Britney Spears is still earning, too, despite her current incapacitation. Last year it was worked out that Britney Spears earns $737,000 a month – and now that she’s got a new album out, that figure could have shot up to anything around $737,010, so she’s still doing OK for money.

Let’s just hope that nothing too drastic happens to send Britney Spears over the financial edge in the near future. Like winning back custody of her children, for example. That’d be a disaster. Shelling out close to half a million dollars every now and then to pay a small army of top-notch lawyers to do her business is one thing, but trying to buy back her children’s love? That’d cripple her.

Read more:

Lawyers Trust in Britney’s Money – E! Online