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celebrities in court

Britney Spears Needs To Go To Court Today… Or Else

by Stuart Heritage

Regaining custody is fourth on Britney Spears’ agenda right now, after finding her marbles, tightening her screws and trying to keep out of the booby hatch.

However, if Britney Spears is serious about clawing at least some semblance of custody back after her recent episode, she should probably listen to the advice telling her to show up to a court hearing today. Britney Spears has been warned that this could be her last chance at gaining visitation rights.

However, Britney Spears is so unlikely to show her face in court today that we’ll get our arses out on the internet if she does.*

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R Kelly Misses His Child Porn Date In Court

by Stuart Heritage

This R Kelly child porn sex-tape kerfuffle has rattled on for so long that the child in question is now a 93-year-old great-grandmother with an irrational phobia of urine, and yet still it shows no sign of concluding.

That’s partly because R Kelly keeps successfully managing to push court dates further and further back every time things start to look serious for him – but no longer, because if R Kelly doesn’t turn up to court in the next 90 minutes, he’s going to be arrested. R Kelly was due to appear in court in Chicago yesterday, you see, but he failed to show up because his tour bus was crocked first by snow and then by a slightly overzealous group of Utah police officers. Hopefully, though, this threat of arrest will force R Kelly to show up in court once and for all, where he’ll do the decent thing and get his child porn trial pushed back a couple of years again.

This R Kelly child porn sex-tape kerfuffle has rattled on for so long that the child in question is now a 93-year-old great-grandmother with an irrational phobia of urine, and yet still it shows no sign of concluding. That's partly because R Kelly keeps successfully managing to push court dates further and further back every time things start to look serious for him - but no longer, because if R Kelly doesn't turn up to court in the next 90 minutes, he's going to be arrested. R Kelly was due to appear in court in Chicago yesterday, you see, but he failed to show up because his tour bus was crocked first by snow and then by a slightly overzealous group of Utah police officers. Hopefully, though, this threat of arrest will force R Kelly to show up in court once and for all, where he'll do the decent thing and get his child porn trial pushed back a couple of years again.
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Shia LaBeouf’s Trespassing Charges Dropped Forever

by Stuart Heritage

Up until very recently, Transformers star and full-time adorable man-puppy Shia LaBeouf was in a whole lot of trouble for trespassing.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested in a Chicago branch of Walgreens last month for appearing drunk and not leaving when a security guard asked him to – but all that trouble is far behind him now. Less than one minute after his hearing started earlier today, Shia LaBeouf quickly found out that Walgreens had written the court a letter wanting to drop the charges against him. Nobody knows what cause Walgreen’s sudden change of heart, but it’s thought that the key phrase from the letter was “Oh, how could I ever stay mad at an adorable face like yours? Ubba dubba dubba. Ubba dubba dubba. Ubba dubba dubba dubba dubba.”

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Robbie Williams Is Very Sorry For All His Bad Lies

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve known for some time that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest thing for Robbie Williams to say – because that would be “Cream cakes? No thanks, I’m full.”

And just to prove how quick to apologise he is, Robbie Williams has just said sorry to former Take That manager Nigel Martin Smith because he claimed in a song that Smith was a thief who stole funds from Take That’s earnings when actually he wasn’t. And it was one of the most heartfelt apologies we’ve ever heard, with a lawyer making a forced, court-ruled apology on behalf of Robbie Williams in his absence to a lawyer accepting the apology on behalf of Nigel Martin Smith in his absence in a courtroom. However, it’s not all good news – if Robbie Williams is back in the news, does that mean he’s famous again?

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Boy George Manwhore-Chaining Trial Date Set

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve never chained a male escort to the wall of our house and then threatened him a bunch of times, but we were open to the possibility of it until Boy George arsed it all up by getting arrested for that very thing.

Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we’d chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we’re basically just following in Boy George’s footsteps, but we’ll also be acutely aware that we’d probably end up in court for it – as Boy George has found for himself, since he’s just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn’t – we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.

We've never chained a male escort to the wall of our house and then threatened him a bunch of times, but we were open to the possibility of it until Boy George arsed it all up by getting arrested for that very thing. Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we'd chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we're basically just following in Boy George's footsteps, but we'll also be acutely aware that we'd probably end up in court for it - as Boy George has found for himself, since he's just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn't - we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.
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Photographer Made Nicole Kidman Cry 35 Months Ago

by Stuart Heritage

This just in – the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman sad. Actually, that’s a lie – we don’t know how the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman feel now – but in January 2005 the paparazzi definitely made Nicole Kidman sad.

How sad? Sad enough for Nicole Kidman to turn up in court yesterday and legally testify that a photographer made her cry by trying to take her picture back on January 23, 2005. As part of a defamation suit against an Australian newspaper by Jamie Fawcett, the photographer in question, Nicole Kidman showed up at the New South Wales State Supreme Court in Sydney to say that she was reduced to tears when Fawcett chased her almost three years ago. This news will come as an incredible surprise to anyone who, like us, presumed that Nicole Kidman’s tear-ducts were Botoxed into everlasting paralysis long, long ago.

This just in - the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman sad. Actually, that's a lie - we don't know how the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman feel now - but in January 2005 the paparazzi definitely made Nicole Kidman sad. How sad? Sad enough for Nicole Kidman to turn up in court yesterday and legally testify that a photographer made her cry by trying to take her picture back on January 23, 2005. As part of a defamation suit against an Australian newspaper by Jamie Fawcett, the photographer in question, Nicole Kidman showed up at the New South Wales State Supreme Court in Sydney to say that she was reduced to tears when Fawcett chased her almost three years ago. This news will come as an incredible surprise to anyone who, like us, presumed that Nicole Kidman's tear-ducts were Botoxed into everlasting paralysis long, long ago.
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OJ Simpson Wanted Plenty Of Gun-Waggling: Claim

by Stuart Heritage

So it’s official – OJ Simpson did ask his goons to bring guns to his alleged hotel room armed robbery in Las Vegas. And we know it’s official because a man who might occasionally moonlight as a pimp said so.

Yesterday at the preliminary hearing to discover whether there’s enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his supposed role as the ringleader of an armed robbery, OJ’s goon Walter Alexander testified that Simpson had asked him to “bring some heat” to the raid in case anything went wrong. However, come the full trial OJ Simpson is expected to counter-argue that he wasn’t asking Alexander to bring a gun, rather to try and get his hands on an electric blanket or a patio heater or one of those gel-sack hand-warmer things with the metal clickers in them.

Because if there’s one thing OJ Simpson hates, it’s being slightly chilly. And people who steal his shit. But mainly chilliness, though.

So it's official - OJ Simpson did ask his goons to bring guns to his alleged hotel room armed robbery in Las Vegas. And we know it's official because a man who might occasionally moonlight as a pimp said so. Yesterday at the preliminary hearing to discover whether there's enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his supposed role as the ringleader of an armed robbery, OJ's goon Walter Alexander testified that Simpson had asked him to "bring some heat" to the raid in case anything went wrong. However, come the full trial OJ Simpson is expected to counter-argue that he wasn't asking Alexander to bring a gun, rather to try and get his hands on an electric blanket or a patio heater or one of those gel-sack hand-warmer things with the metal clickers in them. Because if there's one thing OJ Simpson hates, it's being slightly chilly. And people who steal his shit. But mainly chilliness, though.
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Amy Winehouse’s Hubby Still Banged Up

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn’t in jail for smashing some bloke’s face up.

But he is, and he won’t be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake’s going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it’s looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.

Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn't in jail for smashing some bloke's face up. But he is, and he won't be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake's going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it's looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.
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OJ Simpson Either Knew About Guns Or Didn’t

by Stuart Heritage

The only things standing between OJ Simpson spending the rest of his life in jail for armed robbery and OJ Simpson being set free to skip around in a meadow like a wide-eyed schoolgirl are guns.

And whether or not OJ Simpson knew there were guns during the heist has been the main point in the court case to determine whether or not OJ Simpson should face a full trial for his alleged crime. OJ Simpson, you see, is adamant that he saw none of his goonsquad carrying guns during the hotel-room sports memorabilia raid – but testimonies by the goon who owned the guns, the goon who OJ Simpson asked to carry a gun and the memorabilia dealer who apparently had a gun held to his face seem to go against that. It all sounds a bit far-fetched to us – anyone who’s read If I Did It knows that OJ Simpson’s weapon of choice is a knife. That’s a knife.

The only things standing between OJ Simpson spending the rest of his life in jail for armed robbery and OJ Simpson being set free to skip around in a meadow like a wide-eyed schoolgirl are guns. And whether or not OJ Simpson knew there were guns during the heist has been the main point in the court case to determine whether or not OJ Simpson should face a full trial for his alleged crime. OJ Simpson, you see, is adamant that he saw none of his goonsquad carrying guns during the hotel-room sports memorabilia raid - but testimonies by the goon who owned the guns, the goon who OJ Simpson asked to carry a gun and the memorabilia dealer who apparently had a gun held to his face seem to go against that. It all sounds a bit far-fetched to us - anyone who's read If I Did It knows that OJ Simpson's weapon of choice is a knife. That's a knife.
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Britney Spears Still A Pretty Terrible Driver

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she’s not directly endangering anyone’s life – not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car.

Although it’s becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn’t seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that’s been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming “Red light! Red light!” at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there’s going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she's not directly endangering anyone's life - not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car. Although it's becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn't seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that's been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming "Red light! Red light!" at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there's going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.
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