Articles tagged with: celebrities in court
Roman Polanksi Has The Right Hump With LA
Everyone can relate to Roman Polanski - really, who hasn’t admitted to a sexual encounter with an underage girl then spent 30 years on the lam in France? And it’s this completely universal nature of Roman Polanski’s story that’s won him so many supporters. The trouble is, none of them work at the LA Superior Court. The court says that it’ll consider dropping dropping Roman Polanski’s charges, but only if he appears there in person first. And Polanski thinks it’s all just a big set-up to arrest him. Wow, who knew that alleged child-rape could be so exciting?
Everyone can relate to Roman Polanski - really, who hasn’t admitted to a sexual encounter with an underage girl then spent 30 years on the lam in France? And it’s this completely universal nature of Roman Polanski’s story that’s won him so many supporters. The trouble is, none of them work at the LA Superior Court. The court says that it’ll consider dropping dropping Roman Polanski’s charges, but only if he appears there in person first. And Polanski thinks it’s all just a big set-up to arrest him. Wow, who knew that alleged child-rape could be so exciting?
Roman Polanski Says He Didn’t Boff That Child 30 Years Ago
Roman Polanski is a modern-day superhero - he can direct films quite well and also he's great at having sex with children. Or, possibly, not having sex with children. Although he's been on the lam since fleeing America in 1978 after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl, Roman Polanski has now decided to ask a Los Angeles court to dismiss his charges. Let's hope Roman Polanski gets his dismissal, because then he'll stop being an exiled genius and become what he's always dreamed of - a director in America who can't get work because everyone thinks he's so flipping creepy.
Roman Polanski is a modern-day superhero - he can direct films quite well and also he's great at having sex with children. Or, possibly, not having sex with children. Although he's been on the lam since fleeing America in 1978 after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl, Roman Polanski has now decided to ask a Los Angeles court to dismiss his charges. Let's hope Roman Polanski gets his dismissal, because then he'll stop being an exiled genius and become what he's always dreamed of - a director in America who can't get work because everyone thinks he's so flipping creepy.
Boy George: “OK, I Did Chain That Norwegian Manwhore Up”
Remember when that male prostitute said Boy George chained him to a wall, hit him and threatened to kill him? Well, turns out it's true. Partially - Boy George has admitted that he did handcuff Audun Carlsen up, and that he did hit him a bit, but only consensually. But Boy George swears that he wasn't going to kill him, because a dead manwhore wouldn't be great for his career. Remember, Boy George once painted his jaw black and pretended to be David Bowie on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, so he obviously knows a great career move when he sees one.
Remember when that male prostitute said Boy George chained him to a wall, hit him and threatened to kill him? Well, turns out it's true. Partially - Boy George has admitted that he did handcuff Audun Carlsen up, and that he did hit him a bit, but only consensually. But Boy George swears that he wasn't going to kill him, because a dead manwhore wouldn't be great for his career. Remember, Boy George once painted his jaw black and pretended to be David Bowie on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, so he obviously knows a great career move when he sees one.
Jennifer Garner’s Stalker In ‘Actually Quite Odd’ Shock
We can all say that we've had visions where Jennifer Garner gets beaten by an angry mob due to her belief in Jesus, can't we? No? Most of us? No, not most of us either? Some of us have had visions of Jennifer Garner being persecuted by a mob for believing in Jesus? No? Not even some of us? Just Jennifer Garner's psychiatric patient stalker Steven Burky, then? Oh. Well, it's just a shame that Steven Burky won't get to warn Jennifer Garner of his vision, then, because Garner has just taken out a court order claiming that she's living in mortal fear of him. So let's just hope that Jennifer Garner doesn't end up being assaulted by a violent mob because of her faith in Jesus Christ, because if she does, Jennifer Garner is going to end up looking pretty bloody stupid.
We can all say that we've had visions where Jennifer Garner gets beaten by an angry mob due to her belief in Jesus, can't we? No? Most of us? No, not most of us either? Some of us have had visions of Jennifer Garner being persecuted by a mob for believing in Jesus? No? Not even some of us? Just Jennifer Garner's psychiatric patient stalker Steven Burky, then? Oh. Well, it's just a shame that Steven Burky won't get to warn Jennifer Garner of his vision, then, because Garner has just taken out a court order claiming that she's living in mortal fear of him. So let's just hope that Jennifer Garner doesn't end up being assaulted by a violent mob because of her faith in Jesus Christ, because if she does, Jennifer Garner is going to end up looking pretty bloody stupid.
Michael Jackson To Have His Squeaky Day In Court
People of London, pin up your bunting! Roll out your barrels of Jesus Juice! Cover the eyes of your squeamish young! Michael Jackson's coming to town! And it's all thanks to that sheik's lawsuit that threatens to push Michael Jackson into permanent financial ruin. According to reports, Michael Jackson will fly to London next week to give his testimony in the case that literally everyone's calling 'about the millionth Michael Jackson lawsuit of the last couple of years, and certainly one of the most dreary'. But you know what this means? This means that if Michael Jackson's going to court then the old Michael Jackson lookalike used in the TV coverage of his child molestation trial will get some work that doesn't involve starring in adverts about the dangers of being hit in the face with a firework or being a scarecrow for once! This must be the happiest day of that particular Michael Jackson impersonator's life.
People of London, pin up your bunting! Roll out your barrels of Jesus Juice! Cover the eyes of your squeamish young! Michael Jackson's coming to town! And it's all thanks to that sheik's lawsuit that threatens to push Michael Jackson into permanent financial ruin. According to reports, Michael Jackson will fly to London next week to give his testimony in the case that literally everyone's calling 'about the millionth Michael Jackson lawsuit of the last couple of years, and certainly one of the most dreary'. But you know what this means? This means that if Michael Jackson's going to court then the old Michael Jackson lookalike used in the TV coverage of his child molestation trial will get some work that doesn't involve starring in adverts about the dangers of being hit in the face with a firework or being a scarecrow for once! This must be the happiest day of that particular Michael Jackson impersonator's life.
Keanu Reeves Didn’t Run Over A Paparazzo, Says Keanu Reeves
You rarely see paparazzi pictures of Keanu Reeves, and that's because the paparazzi are terrified of Keanu Reeves squishing them into liquid with his car. Or it's because Keanu Reeves is quite private and stuff. One or the other. But photographer Alison Silva probably thinks it's the first one, because he's suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly hitting him with his car last year, causing career-threatening injuries to his wrist which, coupled with the fact that he's got a girl's name, must have really ticked him off. But yesterday Keanu Reeves showed up in court to spread some of the trademark Keanu Reeves moviestar razzle dazzle around and convince everyone otherwise. Sadly, the Keanu Reeves version of razzle dazzle involves standing around looking blank-faced and a bit confused and occasionally saying "woah." We aren't anticipating a good outcome for him.
You rarely see paparazzi pictures of Keanu Reeves, and that's because the paparazzi are terrified of Keanu Reeves squishing them into liquid with his car. Or it's because Keanu Reeves is quite private and stuff. One or the other. But photographer Alison Silva probably thinks it's the first one, because he's suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly hitting him with his car last year, causing career-threatening injuries to his wrist which, coupled with the fact that he's got a girl's name, must have really ticked him off. But yesterday Keanu Reeves showed up in court to spread some of the trademark Keanu Reeves moviestar razzle dazzle around and convince everyone otherwise. Sadly, the Keanu Reeves version of razzle dazzle involves standing around looking blank-faced and a bit confused and occasionally saying "woah." We aren't anticipating a good outcome for him.
Britney Spears. Hit And Run. Court. Still. Snore.
Back when Britney Spears was a crazy person, and not the well-adjusted pillar of society she is today, she did a lot of regrettable things. And what was the most regrettable thing that Britney Spears did during her barmy lost weekend? No, not proving herself to be an untrustworthy mother or consistently becoming more and more of a global embarrassment with every single passing second - we're talking about the time that Britney Spears sort of gently drove into a car in a car park. It was, quite frankly, outrageous. We know this because people still aren't shutting up about it - Britney's lawyer is still trying to appeal against a criminal trial for the hit and run scheduled for next month. Experts have responded to the move by Michael Flanagan with shock. Slowly punching yourself in the face again and again while murmuring "Make it stop" does still count as shock, right?
Back when Britney Spears was a crazy person, and not the well-adjusted pillar of society she is today, she did a lot of regrettable things. And what was the most regrettable thing that Britney Spears did during her barmy lost weekend? No, not proving herself to be an untrustworthy mother or consistently becoming more and more of a global embarrassment with every single passing second - we're talking about the time that Britney Spears sort of gently drove into a car in a car park. It was, quite frankly, outrageous. We know this because people still aren't shutting up about it - Britney's lawyer is still trying to appeal against a criminal trial for the hit and run scheduled for next month. Experts have responded to the move by Michael Flanagan with shock. Slowly punching yourself in the face again and again while murmuring "Make it stop" does still count as shock, right?
JK Rowling Crushes ‘Harry Potter Lexicon’ In Her Giant Metal Fist
Remember that book about Harry Potter that JK Rowling didn't write that made JK Rowling so furious that she almost pooed her spine out in court? You do? Well in that case you'll be pleased to know that JK Rowling has won her court case. A judge in New York has claimed that Steven Jan Vander Ark's The Harry Potter Lexicon does illegally plagiarise the Harry Potter novels and so it can never be released. What does this mean? In short it means that if Harry Potter fans want to buy a secondary book that acts as a reference guide for the myriad Harry Potter characters, locations and themes, they can now either a) wait for JK Rowling to finish writing her Harry Potter encyclopedia or b) grow up and stop being such moon-faced, sappy-eyed farty arseholes with their gormless wizard fixations and their stupid bloody haircuts.
Remember that book about Harry Potter that JK Rowling didn't write that made JK Rowling so furious that she almost pooed her spine out in court? You do? Well in that case you'll be pleased to know that JK Rowling has won her court case. A judge in New York has claimed that Steven Jan Vander Ark's The Harry Potter Lexicon does illegally plagiarise the Harry Potter novels and so it can never be released. What does this mean? In short it means that if Harry Potter fans want to buy a secondary book that acts as a reference guide for the myriad Harry Potter characters, locations and themes, they can now either a) wait for JK Rowling to finish writing her Harry Potter encyclopedia or b) grow up and stop being such moon-faced, sappy-eyed farty arseholes with their gormless wizard fixations and their stupid bloody haircuts.
