The whole 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.

Actually, that's a lie. The 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate hasn't been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.

And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it's either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we've chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie's arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.

According to highly scientific calculations, Jennifer Lopez has been pregnant for anywhere between 12 and 15 years.

Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant - last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies - a boy and a girl - that she's been expecting since the summer of 1963.

Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez's twins yet - it's only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.

When Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to jump, she says "how high?" And when Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to start filling her guts up with unborn children, she'll stuff twice as many as he asked for up there.

That's the insinuation being made, anyway. Angelina Jolie reportedly only decided to fall pregnant with twins because she was scared that Brad Pitt would leave her if she didn't.

If that's true then Angelina Jolie is a fool. She should come and shack up with us, because we'd never ask her to get pregnant if she didn't want to. In fact, we hate children so much that we'd make her drown all her existing kids in the bath before we let her move her stuff in. That's the exact opposite of what Brad Pitt wants, which is why we're confident that Angelina Jolie will choose us.

Not content with adopting enough kids to start a lucrative sweatshop business, Angelina Jolie has got herself knocked up with twins.

That's the claim anyway - magazines are reporting that Angelina Jolie has just discovered that she's pregnant with two of Brad Pitt's twins, a rumour apparently validated by Angelia's refusal to get drunk at a recent awards show.

And if it's true then Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have to get their skates on - they're going to have to find a really obscure third-world country to have the twins in, and the clock's already ticking.

Britney Spears may look and act as mad as a big donkey, but don't ever doubt her resourcefulness.

It's only been a few days since Britney Spears' disturbing meltdown saw her lose all visitation rights to her children for a month, but already Britney Spears has decided that if she can't see her kids she'll just grow another one inside her.

That's right - Britney Spears might be pregnant again. Be afraid. 

hecklerspray doesn’t have a Christmas tree – we have a hobo wrapped in tinsel standing in the corner of our 2nd floor lobby. We let him sit down 15 minutes every two hours, pay him in heat and he knows not to touch our vending machine buttons if he’s not at least wearing a mitten.

We’re not the only ones who celebrate an unconventional holiday. Lance Bass likes to cover his trees in some sort of spray-on ham. We made that up. Gary Coleman plays Deck the Halls on a wide variety of musical saws and cat skulls. We made that up. Tim Burton drapes his tree with dead babies.

We didn’t make that up.  

Dennis Quaid's newborn baby twins are lucky to be alive - it wasn't so long ago that they were being injected with doses of blood-thinner 1,000 times larger than normal.

But although his new son and daughter survived the giant Heparin overdose - and are thought to be recovering well - Dennis Quaid is still thirsty for revenge. That's why Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly Buffington are suing Baxter Healthcare Corp, which manufactures Heparin, for £50,000 in a product liability lawsuit. It shows just how angry Dennis Quaid must be to pursue Baxter through legal paths, because in the past he's resolved any outstanding medical difficulties by shrinking himself down to a sub-atomic level and injecting himself up Martin Short's arse.

As Innerspace-loving children, we were led to believe that there was nothing that Dennis Quaid couldn't solve by drunkenly shrinking himself down to a speck and flying around people's bloodstreams singing Sam Cooke songs.

But, in truth, even when you've fictionally been injected into Martin Short's buttocks you still have to cope with immense tragedies like the rest of us. That's something Dennis Quaid had to come to terms with pretty quickly this week when his newborn twins were accidentally injected with 1,000 times more of the anti-coagulant drug Heparin than usual. However, the good news seems to be that Quaid's twins are recovering well and showing "no adverse reactions." Hopefully this news will put an end to what must have surely been one of the most traumatic times Dennis Quaid's life.

True, the second-most traumatic time was when Dennis Quaid read the The Day After Tomorrow script and realised he'd be paid to out-run some ice, but that shouldn't diminish the relief he should be feeling now.