Posts tagged as:

celebrities and babies

Mariah Carey Wants Nick Cannon’s Babies Inside Her Guts

by Stuart Heritage

Now that she’s got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook.

Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up.

Not Mariah Carey, though – after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn’t even want to adopt one – she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.

Now that she's got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook. Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up. Not Mariah Carey, though - after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn't even want to adopt one - she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.
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Angelina Jolie Talks Babies! Also Iraq And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone alive is sick of listening to Angelina Jolie prattle on about humanitarian issues all the time – that’s a fact.

That’s fine – a firebrand like Angelina Jolie must be used to the criticism from strangers by now – but it has to hurt when Angelina Jolie’s own unborn children start to launch violent internal attacks on her own abdominal wall just to shut her up.

Because that’s what’s happened – during a discussion about Iraqi education policy in Washington on Tuesday, Angelina Jolie was forced to talk about her own unborn twins in public for the very first time because they wouldn’t stop booting her in the gut with all their might. Heartwarming stuff, huh?

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No Babies Or Wedding Bells For Scarlett Johansson

by Paul Sorrenti

No Babies Or Wedding Bells For Scarlett JohanssonHeterosexual males and homosexual females – and anyone else who has a pulse – unite and take note: Scarlett Johansson’s relationship to actor boyfriend Ryan Reynolds may be on the rocks.

According to a ‘Stateside spy’ working under cover for the Daily Mail, their relationship has ‘hit a rough patch’. It seems Scarlett has been scared off by Ryan’s mentioning of babies and weddings. The spy said:

Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet.

What’s this? An A-list female Celebrity who prioritises her career above procreation?

How refreshing.

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Look! Photos Of Jennifer Lopez’s Twins! In A Magazine!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a hard month, knowing that Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins but not being able to see what they look like.

Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez’s twins – do they have their mother’s eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots – but now the truth is finally out.

The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twin babies have been published on the front cover of today’s People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez’s twins look perfectly fine – although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn’t knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.

It's been a hard month, knowing that Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins but not being able to see what they look like. Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez's twins - do they have their mother's eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots - but now the truth is finally out. The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez's twin babies have been published on the front cover of today's People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez's twins look perfectly fine - although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn't knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.
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Angelina Jolie Definitely Either Pregnant Or Just Fairly Lumpy

by Stuart Heritage

The whole ‘Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn’t she pregnant’ debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.

Actually, that’s a lie. The ‘Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn’t she pregnant’ debate hasn’t been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.

And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it’s either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we’ve chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie’s arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.

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Jennifer Lopez Finally Gives Birth To Those Twins Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

According to highly scientific calculations, Jennifer Lopez has been pregnant for anywhere between 12 and 15 years.

Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant – last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies she’s been expecting since the summer of 1963.

Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez’s twins yet – it’s only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.

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Angelina Jolie ‘Only Got Pregnant To Stop Brad Pitt Running Off’

by Stuart Heritage

When Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to jump, she says “how high?” And when Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to start filling her guts up with unborn children, she’ll stuff twice as many as he asked for up there.

That’s the insinuation being made, anyway. Angelina Jolie reportedly only decided to fall pregnant with twins because she was scared that Brad Pitt would leave her if she didn’t.

If that’s true then Angelina Jolie is a fool. She should come and shack up with us, because we’d never ask her to get pregnant if she didn’t want to. In fact, we hate children so much that we’d make her drown all her existing kids in the bath before we let her move her stuff in. That’s the exact opposite of what Brad Pitt wants, which is why we’re confident that Angelina Jolie will choose us.

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Angelina Jolie Pregnant With Twins! Two Of Them!

by Stuart Heritage

Not content with adopting enough kids to start a lucrative sweatshop business, Angelina Jolie has got herself knocked up with twins.

That’s the claim anyway – magazines are reporting that Angelina Jolie has just discovered that she’s pregnant with two of Brad Pitt’s twins, a rumour apparently validated by Angelia’s refusal to get drunk at a recent awards show.

And if it’s true then Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have to get their skates on – they’re going to have to find a really obscure third-world country to have the twins in, and the clock’s already ticking.

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Brace Yourselves, Britney Spears Might Be Pregnant Again

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears may look and act as mad as a big donkey, but don’t ever doubt her resourcefulness.

It’s only been a few days since Britney Spears’ disturbing meltdown saw her lose all visitation rights to her children for a month, but already Britney Spears has decided that if she can’t see her kids she’ll just grow another one inside her.

That’s right – Britney Spears might be pregnant again. Be afraid.

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Tim Burton Hangs Babies From Trees

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray doesn’t have a Christmas tree – we have a hobo wrapped in tinsel standing in the corner of our 2nd floor lobby. We let him sit down 15 minutes every two hours, pay him in heat and he knows not to touch our vending machine buttons if he’s not at least wearing a mitten. [...]

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