That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

After Konnie Huq, Joan Sims and Mark Owen from Take That, Scarlett Johansson is one of the most desirable women on the planet, and that’s something she’s painfully aware of.

Scarlett Johansson is so desirable that one-hit wonders want to kiss her with tongues. She’s so desirable that grown men will figuratively elbow each other in the face to get their hands on droplets of her disease-ridden mucus. She’s so desirable that she’s not even surprised when minor films stars who she’s been going out with for months propose to her.

Really, she’s not. That’s the one big revelation to come from an interview with Scarlett Johansson in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. That and the not wanting babies yet thing. Are you still reading this? You are? Urgh, creepy. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“I wasn’t surprised. You say you can’t believe it, but of course you really can. Anyone being presented with a diamond ring, you just squeal with delight… I’m not pregnant nor will I be any time soon.”

That’s it. That’s literally the most thrilling thing that Scarlett Johansson said in the entire interview. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Scarlett got married to Ryan Reynolds, it wasn’t a surprise to her when she did and she’s not having any children in the imminent future.

But why doesn’t Scarlett Johansson want to get pregnant any time soon? It’s certainly not because her vagina’s all clogged up with hepatitis, that’s for sure. So here, for no other reason that this is apparently newsworthy and we’ve got space to fill, are our top five reasons why Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want children…

1 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

2 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

3 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

4 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

5 - Scarlett Johansson is a man

We would have also accepted ‘Scarlett Johansson is still quite young’, ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t feel that her unsettled moviestar lifestyle would provide a baby with the right amount of security’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want to jeopardise her movie career by getting pregnant’. That last one, by the way, just shows how dedicated Scarlett Johansson is to the craft of making films that nobody particularly likes.

Are you still reading this? You’ve properly given us the creeps now.

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And now the fruits of their disgusting union have emerged. Rebecca Romijn has given birth to twin baby girls with names – Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip – that make them sound like high-powered corporate fairytale legal practices.

So our sincerest congratulations to Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O’Connell and their new sprogs. Although points have been deducted for the way it’s made us imagine what Jerry O’Connell’s sweaty sex face looks like. Really, there was no need for that.

By and large, all the news so far this year has been pretty miserable. War, economic failure, death, Clint Eastwood calling you a pussy – it’s comprehensively miserable stuff. But that’s nothing. It gets worse. Kangaroo Jack star Jerry O’Connell has managed to continue his DNA for yet another generation. We’re all doomed.

Or, if you want to be weird and think about this positively, Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn have just welcomed two beautiful twin girls into the world. No, urgh, that sounds horrible. We’ll stick with the ‘Jerry O’Connell corrupts humanity with his sperm’ line, thank you very much. Access Hollywood reports:

Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell have two new additions to the family. The couple welcomed twin girls just before the New Year, Access Hollywood has learned. “Rebecca gave birth on Dec. 28 to two healthy daughters, Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip,” a representative for the actress told Access. “Mother, father and both girls are all home and doing well,” the rep added.

Although the arrival of the twins doesn’t come as a surprise – back in July we reported that Rebecca Romijn was pregnant – the names that Romijn and O’Connell have picked for the babies suggests that Jerry O’Connell might still have some fond memories of his ex-girlfriend Geri Halliwell.

After all, Geri Halliwell pretty much invented the formula of giving babies humiliating flower-based names, and that’s something that Jerry O’Connell has ripped off wholesale by naming his twins Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip. Let’s hope this lingering rivalry between Geri and Jerry ends here, though – otherwise Geri Halliwell will be forced to think of a name even stupider than Dolly Rebecca Rose for her next baby, and we just don’t think her poor brain’s up to it.

But we’re getting off subject here. We should be focusing on Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip. Their lives are a completely open book, full of limitless potential and – given who their parents are – at least three rubbishy straight-to-DVD movies. Can’t wait.

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And you can’t put a price on emotional trauma like that – not knowing whether your own children are going to live or di… what’s that? You can put a price on emotional trauma like that? And that price is $750,000? Sweet!

Dennis Quaid’s family has reached a settlement of $750,000 against the hospital where his children almost died. And they were just tiny children – imagine how much we’d get if we almost died in a nightmarish medication mix up! To the hospital! It’s label-swapping time!

Dennis Quaid isn’t the box office draw he once was. Time was he could get any film made, no matter how obviously ridiculous it sounded – a movie about a tiny man flying a rocket through Martin Short’s arse, a confusingly-accented detective movie, a version of Jaws that’s in 3D where the shark’s jaw gets exploded off at the end – but those were the good old days.

You know what Dennis Quaid has been reduced to starring in now? Vantage Point. And that wasn’t even a film – that was just 10 minutes of Forest Whitaker looking confused repeated for what seemed like an eternity. The poor man has to really graft to make a wage now, so he must be thrilled to high heaven about the cheque for $750,000 because his newborn babies almost died agonising deaths because of a staff blunder, right? Right? Anyone? No?

You may remember that last year Dennis Quaid’s baby twins were lucky to escape with their lives after inadvertantly being injected with 1,000 times the recommended dose of an anti-coagulant. And the incident changed Dennis Quaid for the better – though grateful that his children eventually made a full recovery, he also realised that the overdose was completely preventable and took it up with the drug company responsible.

And the hospital responsible too, apparently, because its just given him $750,000 as a settlement. People reports:

Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly have reached a settlement of $750,000 against Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for the accidental overdose of their newborn twins in 2007. “The settlement is the result of extensive negotiations between the parties and their respective legal representatives, and is intended to avoid the time, expense and uncertainty of litigation,” say papers filed in L.A. Superior Court on Monday.

Dennis Quaid hasn’t yet said what he’s going to do with the settlement yet – there’s a chance he could use it to found an organisation to lobby for clearer labelling on medication boxes, or maybe he’ll put it into a trust fund that’ll give his children the lifestyle that Smart People can’t. Or maybe he’ll just spend it on publicly slagging off Meg Ryan as viciously as he can some more. Honestly, we’d be fine with any of them.

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Although they were born in the summer, Ricky Martin has decided to show off his baby twins Valentino and Matteo for the first time in People, while describing exactly how spiritual he feels when they smile or cry or poo or whatever.

Ricky Martin is raising the twins alone as a single father, so they obviously won’t be breastfed. Not because Ricky is a man and therefore can’t lactate, but because his nipples are probably already manky and chewed up and stuff.

Previously, if Ricky Martin ever invited you to take a look at his twins, you’d be well advised to run like hell before he either got his nipples or testicles out and introduced you to them by name. We don’t know if he does that or not, by the way, but he does give off that kind of vibe, doesn’t he?

But if Ricky Martin asks if you want to see his twins now, you’re probably a bit safer because he has actually become the father of twins – two boys born in the summer named Valentino and Matteo. True, the babies might just be an elaborate front for the testicle-baring set-up of his that we’ve obviously just invented, but let’s not go too far down that road, eh?

Anyway, it’s been a few months since Ricky Martin fathered his twins, and Ricky, children and Surrogate Female Birthing Pod 765-N are doing well enough for Ricky to show the kinds off in the new edition of People magazine, as AP reports:

Says Martin: “I’m so happy! Everything they do, from smiling to crying, feels like a blessing. Being a father feels amazing. This has been the most spiritual moment in my life.” And Martin says: “I’m the one who changes the diapers, the one that feeds them, the one that bathes them, the one that puts them to sleep.”

Ah yes, we believe it’s in the Bible that the essence of spirituality is defined as ‘waking up in the morning with a bad stomach and having to open a shit-filled nappy that smells like a backed-up sewer line on the Equator and then wiping up the overnight poo-smear off the buttocks of a tiny screaming ungrateful animal that’s simultaneously squirting a hot jet of piss into your eye’. Matthew 3:16, if we remember correctly.

But good for Ricky Martin for not playing by the celebrity baby rulebook. He deserves the money that People magazine is paying him for the baby pictures. That money, incidentally is, wait, let’s work this out… Angelina Jolie sold pictures of her twins for $14 million… divide that by the amount of time since people last thought of Ricky Martin as a celebrity… minus a mother… carry the three…

Oh, our calculations say that Ricky Martin is actually paying People to publish the pictures. Our mistake. Congratulations anyway, we guess.

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You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she’s still ‘longing’ to experience motherhood because motherhood is ‘definitely in her future’.

So if we were John Mayer, we’d think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won’t want that on his conscience.

We should probably give you a spot of advance warning, here – it’s likely that December’s going to be pretty excruciating for everyone. Not only have we got a whole month of Jennifer Aniston promoting a movie to endure, but it’s a movie about a naughty dog. Oh, and the movie comes out on the same day as Brad Pitt’s new movie. So there’s going to be a lot of awkward overcompensatory crowing about contentment, and it’s going to be brutal for everyone.

Just for a taster, look what’s happened over the last couple of months – first Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie ‘uncool’, then everyone thought she was pregnant, then she proved she wasn’t by walking around in a tight sweater until everyone got a bit sick of her.

And Jennifer Aniston didn’t even have a movie out – that was all just because Angelina Jolie had a movie out and Jennifer didn’t want her to get all the headlines. So this month will be – what’s the word? – nightmarish.

It’s started already, too – and all because of those darned pregnancy rumours. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Jennifer Aniston seemed to do nothing but meditate on the idea of motherhood – about how much she wants a baby, about the reaction to the news that she was pregnant and that she thinks she’d be a good mother because she stood quite near a baby on the set of a movie once or something:

“It’s almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, ‘I’m pregnant!’ Everyone will be like, ‘Yeah, right.’ It’s the boy who cried wolf. Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!… ‘I feel like that’s in my future and I’m on the verge of it in some way – or it’s something I long for. So it was great to sort of dip your toe in it.”

Jennifer Aniston dipped her toe in it? Well no wonder she’s not pregnant yet – that’s not how it works at all. Someone buy Jennifer an educational book on sexual reproduction, for God’s sake, otherwise we’ll be here all day.

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And Angelina Jolie was a busy woman to begin with anyway – deliberately enraging Jennifer Aniston can be a full-time job, you know – so rather than keep juggling everything until she keeled over exhausted, Angelina Jolie has chosen to make a few sacrifices.

In short, Angelina Jolie has decided to stop breastfeeding her two new twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline because giving milk to two babies at once is apparently incredibly hard. We should point out that Angelina Jolie isn’t a bad mother for not breastfeeding her kids – in fact, we think they’ll grow up just fine on their new diet of Mountain Dew and uncooked beef cartilage. It certainly never did us any harm.

No wonder Angelina Jolie looks so drawn and tired these days – it seems like if she wants anything done right she has to do it herself. Like furthering the Jolie-Pitt brand, for example. This week Angelina Jolie had chosen to have a break and let Brad Pitt go on TV to stoke up some deliberately controversial headlines about them, and what’s the best he could come up with?

That one of his daughters likes to be called John. That’s rubbish. Angelina Jolie goes out, busting a gut by threatening to quit acting or talking about her infant son’s knife fetish, and that’s all you can think of? Really Brad, would it kill you to admit that you never loved Jennifer Aniston? Huh? Or make up a story about how Pax Thien likes to blow up cows with a bazooka? Huh? These headlines won’t write themselves, you know.

So Angelina Jolie has decided to take things back into her own hands by telling the world that, after three months of trying, she can’t be arsed to breastfeed her newborn baby twins any more. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

The actress admits she had to stop feeding newborns Knox and Vivienne after three months because she was exhausted. Jolie told GMTV, “It was about as much as I could do. There’s this football hold — it’s a lot harder than it looks in the books. I did that a few times. I would take turns. It just takes a long time.”

Look, Angelina, it’s OK. Nobody thinks you’re a bad mother for not breastfeeding your children. Just admit that the whole football hold thing was a lie and that you stopped breastfeeding out of spite because neither Knox Leon or Vivienne Marcheline made the 10 Hottest Tots list yesterday and we’ll forgive you.

It’s not Angelina Jolie’s fault that breastfeeding became too hard for her – she’s got so many children that she’d need to be caged up and fed a continuous diet of grass like a industrially-farmed cow to produce enough milk to feed them all, and if she did that then she’d never have the time to make films like Wanted or Changeling. Which, actually, we’d be alright with.

Besides, if Angelina Jolie had breastfed the twins in front of her adopted kids, it would have only angered and confused them. And the last thing that anybody wants is to wake up in the middle of the night to find a six-year-old Cambodian kid biting on one of your tits, right?

And anyway, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie didn’t give breastfeeding a go. We’ve all seen the magazine cover of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding her twins, haven’t we? And thanks to that cover Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline will now get to grow up getting all the humiliation of being publicly breastfed, but without having to consume any of those boring old nutrients. Everyone’s happy.

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Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned – in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread.

And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too – like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don’t want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she’s on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.

Jennifer Aniston is almost 40 and she doesn’t even have any stupid kids yet. With a really huge age like that she’s only got two choices in the baby department. One is to get exact duplicates of Angelina Jolie’s hair style and tattoos, move in over there, lock her competition in the basement and hope Brad Pitt doesn’t stop to think about why the mother of his children suddenly tastes like a love long since past.

Her other option is to fill herself full of fertility drugs and ask John Mayer to politely go to town until they’ve literally made thousands of children all at once. According to Star Magazine she’s going through with option #2:

“In the Nov. 17 issue of Star — on sale now! — we report that Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John. As we told readers earlier this year, Jen’s biological clock began ticking so loudly that she had some of her eggs frozen just in case she didn’t meet Mr. Right in time. But now that she’s proposed  to John — as Star also reported — and he’s excited about being a dad, she’s doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She’s even been having alternative medicine treatments to increase her chances of having twins.”

The magazine goes on to say that John is also working hard to impregnate his guitar so that his and Jen’s children will have little baby instruments to strum on should they feel so inclined. It’s in paragraph twelve. We think that part was in paragraph twelve.

If hecklerspray’s father had followed through on impregnating his tuba like he promised almost three months ago, we’d probably be in a pretty awesome marching band by now.

But we’re not – we’ve learned to live with that. For now we’ll just have to keep walking perfect high-stepping straight lines in our basement bedroom while blowing the approximate theme to Rocky through a soppy-ended paper towel tube.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it looks in writing there.

We swear it is.

Yeah, we do too. It seems like it happened ages ago, didn’t it? But it only took place a few months ago, because Lisa Marie Presley has only just given birth to the adorable little babies who were prenatally forcing her to gorge on whatever food happened to be closest to her.

According to reports, Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to a pair of twin girls last Tuesday. However, since no names have been revealed yet – or any details other than the ones we’ve just given you, in fact – we’re not convinced. Until we see photographic evidence of these twins, we’re just going to assume that Lisa Marie Presley just did a couple of really, really big poos. It’s hereditary, we hear.

2008 hasn’t especially been kind to the Presley family’s faces. There was Priscilla Presley’s face, which got all messed up after a male Argentinian prostitute injected it with engine lubricant, and then there was Lisa Marie Presley’s face, which everyone relentlessly mocked back in March because it had suddenly taken on the dimensions of a smashed animal buttock.

However, it turns out that we were all completely wrong to do this to Lisa Marie Presley. It turns out that Lisa Marie wasn’t fat, she was pregnant. And we all know that you can’t be pregnant and fat, it’s either one or the other.

And now, just seven short months later, Lisa Marie Presley has finally got round to having those babies taken out of her body. Just don’t expect any details about them, OK? E! Online reports:

The rock ‘n’ roll progeny and her hubby, Michael Lockwood, celebrated the arrival of twin girls this week, E! News has confirmed. Per Presley’s publicist, Cindy Guagenti, the twosome arrived at 2:46 p.m. Tuesday via C-section, weighing in at 5 pounds, 15 ounces and 5 pounds, 2 ounces, respectively. The children’s names have not been announced.

Actually, maybe the only reason why Lisa Marie Presley hasn’t revealed the names of her babies yet is because she hasn’t got round to thinking up anything suitable. After all, the responsibility of choosing an appropriate identity for your child to carry around for the rest of its life isn’t one that should be taken lightly.

Or, alternatively, Lisa Marie Presley has picked names for her children but they haven’t been revealed because her mouth is so constantly full of crisps and bread and ice cream and hot dogs that nobody can understand what she’s trying to say. But it probably isn’t that.

Anyway, regardless of the twins’ names, we should just be pleased that the Presley genes have been carried on for another generation. After all, Elvis Presley was arguably one of the most famous men in history, and Lisa Marie Presley had both a number five album and a number nine album. So if the pattern continues, Lisa Marie’s twins are going to grow up to be the best darn Golf Sale signholders the world has ever seen.

That should be applauded – it’s easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that.

Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie’s got a new film coming out, in which case it’s perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby’s mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That’s right kids – those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you’ve been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.

For a couple so entrenched in their own desperate need for privacy that they’ll either call the secret service or get you beaten up if you stray too close to either of them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have made some real schoolboy errors when it comes to protecting themselves lately.

Firstly, it was revealed that Angelina Jolie’s arm has been tattooed with the birth coordinates of all her children – letting all the world’s stalkers know that a game of Baby Treasure Hunt is just one grisly non-consensual amputation away – and now Angelina Jolie has decided to pose for the most unprivate photos possible without someone hiring an endoscope first. That’s right – it’s Angelina Jolie breastfeeding.

On the cover of this month’s W magazine, Angelina Jolie can be seen with her top pulled down and a tiny hand partly obscuring her breast. We’re assuming she’s breastfeeding one of her new twins, anyway – there’s an equal chance that the photos are a document of Angelina Jolie trying to revive Jeremy Beadle’s dead body by shoving her tit in his face.

Actually, the Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos are kind of tasteful – which is a profound disappointment to anyone hoping they’d involve Angelina spinning round on a plinth squirting warm jets of milk out of her nipples into the open mouths of all her children sitting in a circle beneath her – and breastfeeding activists have welcomed the photos with the open arms and milky stains leaking through their T-shirt that you’d expect from them, as AP reports:

“Breast-feeding in public reveals a whole lot less than what has been revealed on the red carpet. … I think we do need more role models like Angelina Jolie willing to be photographed and say, `Hey look, it can be done, it oughta be done,’” said La Leche spokeswoman Jane Crouse.

Of course, it’s wonderful that Angelina Jolie is breastfeeding her new twins. Breastfed children have less risk of developing childhood leukaemia, insulin-dependent diabetes and respiratory infections, plus breastfeeding has shown to improve a child’s neurological development. That is unless your mum decides to take a photo of you gobbing all over one of her tits for the cover of a magazine, because long-term that’s probably an expressroute to you being sort of neurologically effed.

Also, we’re not exactly sure how these Angelina Jolie breastfeeding pictures will affect the ongoing biological/adopted Jolie-Pitt civil war? Will the adopted children be jealous of Vivienne and Knox because they never got to suckle on Angelina Jolie’s teat? Will the twins be jealous of the adopted children because they won’t have widely-published breastfeeding photos come back to haunt them at school, ultimately leading to them gaining the unshakable nicknames Tittysuck and Boobychew? It’s hard to tell.

Still, Angelina Jolie’s breastfeeding shots have taught us all an important lesson here – that Angelina Jolie’s got a film coming out soon, and that she really wants you to go and see it.

However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.

Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though – if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment – in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.

We might be wrong here, but we get the horrible feeling that Paris Hilton is starting to grow up. No longer does she spend her days idly flitting between making obscene internet films of herself and getting thrown in jail for driving around shitfaced. Instead, Paris Hilton has become quite the model of sophistication.

How sophisticated is Paris Hilton? So sophisticated that when she launches her own tawdry MTV reality TV show she has the nous to accompany it with her own tawdry song which, we think you’ll find, is a level of sophistication right up there with taking tea on the bombardier’s croquet lawn.  And, as such, Paris Hilton has declared herself ready for motherhood. People reports:

“I definitely want three or four [children],” she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister’s birthday. As for a timeline? “Soon,” she said. “Maybe a year or two.”

But, listen, we don’t want you to worry that this is some sort of mind-destroying mating call from Paris Hilton. She doesn’t want you to strut about naked in her front garden or wank through her letterbox or anything like that, because Paris Hilton is perfectly happy and settled with Benji Madden from Good Charlotte.

So at least there’ll be an interesting level of anticipation should Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have a baby. Will the child gain be half-Paris and half-Benji and grow up learning from their collective wisdom, or will it get lucky and be kidnapped at the maternity ward, dumped in a forest and raised by wolves? We’ll be on the edge of our seats when the time comes.

Of course, we’re only joking here. Paris Hilton looks like she’d be a very good mother, and then knowledge she’d impart on her baby would be monumental. It wouldn’t be able to read or anything, granted, but at least it would be able to say “That’s hot” whenever it was hot. Or whenever it wasn’t hot. Or when it was hungry. It’d have a two-word vocabulary, basically.

No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.

They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has – in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.

Good news, wrongheaded Angelina Jolie stalkers. Up until now you probably just wanted to kidnap Angelina Jolie to either get ransom money from Brad Pitt or to just see what her hair smells like, but now you’ve got an added bonus – because the location of your next five holidays are written on Angelina Jolie’s arm.

That’s right, you lucky mentals – Angelina Jolie has the map coordinates of the locations where each of her children were born tattooed on her left arm, and she’s just had the list updated to include the birth locations of her two twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.

Imagine – if you got possession of those coordinates you could fly around the world to each of the locations, knowing that you’re standing exactly where Angelina Jolie flopped her placenta out onto the floor or, to be more precise, where the mothers of Angelina Jolie’s adopted babies flopped their placentas out onto the floor. Either way, what’s to stop you going to those places and licking the floor, you disgusting weirdo.

Anyway, regardless of your undeniably creepy intentions, Angelina Jolie showed off her new tattoos during her much-hyped visit to New York, as The Telegraph reports:

The actress showed off the latest addition to her extensive collection of body art at the New York Film Festival screening of her new film, Changeling. The two lines of blue script on her upper left arm detail the longitudinal and latitudinal location of Nice, where Knox and Vivienne were born in July. They are inscribed directly below four similar lines of coordinates which represent the birthplaces of her other four children.

As sweet a gesture as this seems, you shouldn’t be fooled. Angelina Jolie basically uses the tattoos as proof of purchase for her adopted kids. This way it’s much easier for her to return them if one of them goes defective.

Plus, this is obviously a worrying trend, and it genuinely makes us fear for the future. Look, if Angelina Jolie decides to have the longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates of her childrens’ birthplaces tattooed on her body, then it’s only going to get copied by Heat readers. And do you really want to see armies of fat chavs stumbling around with the coordinates for ‘outside KFC’ or ‘my Nan’s toilet’ or ‘all over the Wetherspoons carpet’ scrawled all over their arms? No. No you don’t.

What’s more, we’re worried for Angelina Jolie. If she keeps collecting babies at the rate she’s going, and if she insists on having their birth locations tattooed on her arms after each one, the poor woman’s going to need an arm extension put in before Christmas. And those things hurt.

There was us thinking that the Lara Croft star was finding juggling motherhood, her career and various charity commitments a breeze.

Not so, say sources close to Angelina and Brad, who have revealed the reason we have not seen her much since the birth of the ridiculously-named twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon is because they are driving her potty.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window)>>

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies – especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

But don’t get the wrong idea – Brad Pitt isn’t going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He’s doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you’ll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon have really captured the world’s imagination since they were born earlier this month. They’re rich, they’re famous, they’re a little bit French and they’re probably the focus of up to eight or nine separate opportunistic kidnapping plots. What’s not to love?

Well, how about the fact that we don’t know what they bloody look like for starters? For all we know Vivienne Marcheline has a hand for a nose and Knox Leon looks like a giant boggle-eyed manatee.

Some brave members of the paparazzi have been trying to help us all out, though, by secretly sneaking into Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s French estate and taking pictures without anyone finding out. These gallant photographers deserve our praise on two counts, firstly because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy kicking the paparazzi’s arse whenever they can, and secondly because it’s probably a bit illegal.

However, don’t start getting excited by the prospect of any Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie baby action just yet, because Brad has caught wind of these secretly-taken photos, and he’s just about ready to shit out an aneurysm about it. E! Online reports:

The actor’s attorney is threatening legal action against any media outlet that publishes photos snapped “surreptitiously” of Pitt, Angelina Jolie and their family, including new twins Knox and Vivienne, on the grounds of their French estate. “The taking of the Photos constitutes a malicious violation of Mr. Pitt’s privacy, including under the laws of California and France,” the attorney says.

We have to admit that we’re a little bit outraged by Brad Pitt’s threats to sue anyone who prints photos of his babies.

True, the photos do probably constitute a serious breach of privacy, and as a result Brad and Angelina will live the rest of their lives in a paranoid fug of hounded terror, but isn’t it every human’s right to be able to glance at a picture of a famous baby, mumble about it only looking like a sodding baby and forget about it instantly?

Apparently not. And anyway, it is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s right to keep the identity of their new babies a secret, not just because of the obvious security threat but because the children haven’t asked to be photographed. They’re just unconsenting pawns in all of this, and it’d be unfair to take advantage otherwise. It’s not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to sell photos of the twins to the highest bidder, is it?

Oh wait…

Ever since Angelina’s twins Knox and Vivienne were born this weekend, they’ve had to battle for attention with all kinds of blithering nonentities determined to spout of about what they think of them. And that even includes Angelina Jolie’s dad, Jon Voight.

Even though he’s been estranged from Angelina Jolie for the best part of a decade, Jon Voight has still felt the need to rush off and tell the nearest media organisation how happy he is about the twins on the off-chance that Angelina will let him see them. Sounds heartbreaking, we know, but don’t be fooled – Jon Voight stars in the National Treasure movies, so it’s only natural that Angelina wants to keep the kids as far away from Nicolas Cage as possible.

Have you noticed how nobody just has a baby any more? It’s not like the old days where you could just thump out a baby, remain emotionally distant from it for 40 years and then die right before it turns into a hateful unloved sociopath.

No, now you have to announce the baby several months before it’s even born, sell pictures of the baby to magazines for millions of dollars once it is born – which, shudder, might even involve having to look at it – and then sit back while other people try and bumrush your moment of glory.

The latter is what happened to poor old Camila Alves – who strained and strained for her baby only for Matthew MConaughey to take all the credit for the birth – and it’s happening with Angelina Jolie as well.

You’ll remember on Saturday that Angelina Jolie managed to give birth to twins. That was momentous enough as it was, at least until the mayor of Nice decided that only he could make the birth official. And now Jon Voight’s wading in as well.

That’s fair enough, you might think – Jon Voight is Angelina Jolie’s father after all, and if a new baby’s grandfather can’t tell the world how happy he is, then he should be allowed to.

Or at least he would be, had Jon Voight not been estranged from Angelina Jolie ever since she broke up with Billy Bob Thornton and he said she was mentally ill in public. Because that does pretty much rule out the chances of him ever seeing them, to be fair.

But, hey ho, Jon Voight’s happy and that’s all that matters. ITN reports:

“All I can say is, just like any other father, you are very very excited – I mean, it’s the most exciting thing to have new souls coming in, you know. There isn’t anything more exciting than that, and that they are Angie’s babies and Brad’s.”

It’ll be interesting to see how this goes down in the Jolie camp. These public professions of love for his daughter and her kids tend not to do that well – as demonstrated by the faintly heartbreaking time he was reduced to wishing Maddox Jolie-Pitt happy birthday into a news camera at a red carpet event before accidentally referring to his sister Zahara as ‘Shakira’.

Still, who can blame Angelina Jolie for not wanting to give her father time with his grandchildren. She’s only just named one of them after her mother, for God’s sake, and if she patches things up with her dad then she’ll be obliged to call her next one Jon. Imagine the bullying a baby called Jon would get from all the other crazy-named celebrity tots. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin.

Having the mayor of Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears‘ spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.

You probably think that a baby is officially born once it emerges from the mother’s womb, all slimy and screaming, gasping its first breaths of life, right?

Well, you’re wrong if you think that, because for a birth to be official, the mayor if Nice has to come out wagging birth certificates and blabbing on about babies being born in his town. This is good if you’re newborn Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, because the mayor of Nice officially welcomed them into the world yesterday. Mayor Christian Estrosi made the following statement yesterday:

“It’s a pride to Nice and all its citizens. On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event.”

Estrosi also displayed the birth certificates, which provided thrilling items such as Brad Pitt’s initials, the time of birth, and other annoying details that you are forced to endure when someone you know has a baby and you have to pleasantly tolerate obnoxious facts that apply to almost every newborn baby in the entire world like, “he came out with a full head of hair,” or “he looks just like his parents,” or “have you seen how much he poops?”

So, congrats on the Jolie-Pitt babies being officially born. Now the umbilical cords can be cut, and the Jolie-Pitt clan can divide into evenly-numbered biological vs. adopted children and fight to the death for their parents love. Go team adopted!