celebrities and babies - HecklerSpray

Scarlett Johansson Thinks Her Unborn Babies Can All Eff Off

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you’d expect that babies were next on the agenda.

That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

Rebecca Romijn Squirts Out A Couple Of Baby Twins

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It only seems like yesterday that we all rubbed our eyes in disbelief because Rebecca Romijn had let Jerry O’Connell have sex with her.

And now the fruits of their disgusting union have emerged. Rebecca Romijn has given birth to twin baby girls with names – Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip – that make them sound like high-powered corporate fairytale legal practices.

So our sincerest congratulations to Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O’Connell and their new sprogs. Although points have been deducted for the way it’s made us imagine what Jerry O’Connell’s sweaty sex face looks like. Really, there was no need for that.

Dennis Quaid’s Nearly-Dead Babies Make Him Really Flipping Rich

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Dennis Quaid’s newborn twins almost died from a massive blood-thinner overdose last year, it must have been horrific.

And you can’t put a price on emotional trauma like that – not knowing whether your own children are going to live or di… what’s that? You can put a price on emotional trauma like that? And that price is $750,000? Sweet!

Dennis Quaid’s family has reached a settlement of $750,000 against the hospital where his children almost died. And they were just tiny children – imagine how much we’d get if we almost died in a nightmarish medication mix up! To the hospital! It’s label-swapping time!

Ricky Martin Shows Off His Twins. His Actual Twins

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As the only man in history to ever father a child, Ricky Martin is in demand at the moment to explain what it’s like.

Although they were born in the summer, Ricky Martin has decided to show off his baby twins Valentino and Matteo for the first time in People, while describing exactly how spiritual he feels when they smile or cry or poo or whatever.

Ricky Martin is raising the twins alone as a single father, so they obviously won’t be breastfed. Not because Ricky is a man and therefore can’t lactate, but because his nipples are probably already manky and chewed up and stuff.

Jennifer Aniston: “Give Me Babies! BABIES!”

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You hear that deafening crash every couple of seconds? Yeah, ignore it, it’s just Jennifer Aniston’s biological clock going off.

You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she’s still ‘longing’ to experience motherhood because motherhood is ‘definitely in her future’.

So if we were John Mayer, we’d think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won’t want that on his conscience.

Breastfeeding Gives Angelina Jolie The Hump

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As a new mother, Angelina Jolie is being run ragged. Between hiring nannies and personal trainers and other staff to take care of everything, she must hardly get a moment to herself.

And Angelina Jolie was a busy woman to begin with anyway – deliberately enraging Jennifer Aniston can be a full-time job, you know – so rather than keep juggling everything until she keeled over exhausted, Angelina Jolie has chosen to make a few sacrifices.

In short, Angelina Jolie has decided to stop breastfeeding her two new twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline because giving milk to two babies at once is apparently incredibly hard. We should point out that Angelina Jolie isn’t a bad mother for not breastfeeding her kids – in fact, we think they’ll grow up just fine on their new diet of Mountain Dew and uncooked beef cartilage. It certainly never did us any harm.

Magazine: The Last of Jennifer Aniston’s Eggs To Chemically Spring Forth All At Once

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

If you’re a woman and the last of your eggs is about to dry up, what you want to do is moisten it really quick with either mayonnaise or sperm.

Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned – in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread.

And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too – like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don’t want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she’s on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.

Lisa Marie Presley Has Two Babies At Once, The Greedy Mare

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember ages ago when everyone was all like “Hey, Lisa Marie Presley is really fat” and Lisa Marie Presley was all like “Hey, I’m only stuffing food into my mouth quicker than I can swallow it because I’m pregnant”?

Yeah, we do too. It seems like it happened ages ago, didn’t it? But it only took place a few months ago, because Lisa Marie Presley has only just given birth to the adorable little babies who were prenatally forcing her to gorge on whatever food happened to be closest to her.

According to reports, Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to a pair of twin girls last Tuesday. However, since no names have been revealed yet – or any details other than the ones we’ve just given you, in fact – we’re not convinced. Until we see photographic evidence of these twins, we’re just going to assume that Lisa Marie Presley just did a couple of really, really big poos. It’s hereditary, we hear.

W: Now With Babies Chomping On Angelina Jolie’s Knockers

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie moved to Europe partly to escape the slavering media attention they have to deal with all the time in America.

That should be applauded – it’s easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that.

Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie’s got a new film coming out, in which case it’s perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby’s mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That’s right kids – those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you’ve been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.

Brace Yourself, World: Paris Hilton Wants Babies

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother – she can’t even photocopy, so what’s stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet?

However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.

Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though – if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment – in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.