As well you know, Ashton Kutcher is a oddly hairlined berk. He’s managed to make a career out of… well… playing himself. Which is notably, a dunderhead with a six pack and blank look on his head.

Still, at least he’s aware of this. How?

Well, the pro-goofball – who was recently announced as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on Two And A Half Men – says that his landing the role ‘feels like winning the lottery’. As you know, the lottery is a game of chance which showers someone with vast fortune despite them not having ever really earned it. Nice of him to underline how unfair the world can be for us all.

Ashton says, while probably thinking about how funny dogs are when they run around and that…

‘I’ve never probably in my 13 years in show business received more phone calls and e-mails from people congratulating me on this job’

It would appear that everyone is glad to see the back of Charlie Sheen. Is Ashton Kutcher responsible for the ding dong death of the terrible meme witch? Either way, Kutcher wants to talk more, because he’s selfish and overpaid.

‘You’d almost think I won the lottery or something, which I kind of did.

‘I’ve got the best job in showbusiness, and I am ecstatic about that.’

When he says ‘best job’ he means, ‘MAN ALIVE! There’s people willing to pay me $1million per episode for essentially turning up and playing myself! This is what it must be like to be Goldie Hawn or something!‘

Either way, Kutcher is probably a pleasant enough chap who doesn’t make women cry and fear for their lives while bleating on about how much coke he can toot while talking about women as if they’re goddesses, all the while demeaning them and yelling about WINNING and the like.

In short, while Kutcher is as annoying as a papercut on your eyelid, the cast and crew of Two And A Half Men will be thrilled that he’s not that Sheen dickhead.

Not yet at least…

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After the horrendous Single Ladies seven-year-olds scandal of a few weeks back – which can never be expunged from our brains – we bring you more news of children being inappropriate.

Today’s scandal is brought to you by someone who isn’t old enough to know poop isn’t a food stuff, and yet they’ve racked up over one million views with their YouTube video. The video in question is from Baby Gaga, better known to those getting a visit from the social as three-year-old baby girl Keira Ladrow. The child was filmed as she sang along to Lady Gaga’s Telephone single. She does very little in her video, except smile at the camera and scrunch her little nose, and yet her video is still causing outrage. Oh, the adorable horror – when will it end?

Keira is the subject of a new debate over whether videos like these are crossing a line – a line that usually involves inch-thick make-up and clothes that mimic those of the original adult singer. This has gotten (fellow) armchair commentators in a right stink: “How dare children sing to innocuous and arguably mediocre pop songs… it’s nonsense like this that’s pushing down house prices and pushing up oil prices and we won’t stand for it!” (to be clear, we’re making up that quote from a faceless critic, but let’s just admit it’s pretty accurate).

From Pop Crunch:

There’s an online debate brewing over the web’s newest viral star: Baby Gaga. In just five days, a toddler-driven video spoof of Lady Gaga and Beyonce’s controversial short film has garnered more than 1 million views on YouTube. But child psychologists and some parents fear that the parody — which features 3-year-old Keira Ladrow in heavy makeup, dancing, while wearing handcuffs — is just the latest in a string of racy virals vids heating up the web. Nearly 5,000 YouTube subscribers are weighing in on the debate One called the video “The cutest thing ever.” Another wrote, “So what? She’s in handcuffs, (it) makes it more theatrical.” But many Gaga fans are put off by this latest tribute to one of music’s brightest stars: “There are no excuses for using a child this young for a parody.”

Here is the video as featured on CBS, that also features the child’s mother and the director, Jake Wilson. Enjoy it, weirdos.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who couldn’t be more marvellous.

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So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?

Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.

OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.

For the briefest of moments this week, The Early Show looked like a hero. Thanks to Adam Lambert’s decision to use the American Music Awards as an excuse to kiss one man and try to take out someone’s eye with his groin, it looked as if he’d ruined his chances of ever appearing on television again. Good Morning America cancelled a scheduled Adam Lambert performance, on the off-chance that he’d turn up in ball gag and wipe sperm everywhere, and that threatened to be the case everywhere else, too.

But then The Early Show stepped in. It offered Adam Lambert a spot where nobody else would – a spot where Adam could be as creative and flamboyant and every other euphemism for homosexual as he liked. So long as he didn’t kiss any men, though. Because that’s a bit gross.

You see, while discussing the Adam Lambert controversy, The Early Show played a clip of his American Music Awards kiss. The thing is, the kiss itself was deliberately blurred out. To make matters worse, The Early Show then played a clip of Madonna kissing Britney Spears in 2003 and left it completely unblurred, allowing everyone at home to see Madonna’s aged old tongue flopping about inside Britney’s mouth like a bird trying to feed a partially-digested earthworm to its baby.

And guess what? Now The Early Show is the bad guy, too. But it’s not going down without a fight, as EW reports:

An Early Show rep sent EW this statement: “We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.”

You know what? It’s Kris Allen who we feel most sorry for here. After all, he beat Adam Lambert to the American Idol title, so it should be him getting all this publicity. It’s not too late for him, though – he’s lined up to appear at the People’s Choice Awards in January, so maybe he can claw some limelight back by wanking off a horse or something.

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Hats off to CBS – it’s thought long and hard about how to end to the financial crisis and, by jingo, it’s done it!

How? Why, by giving John Mayer his own TV show, of course. No, bear with us. You see, if there’s an hour a week where John Mayer is on TV, it’s bound to scare the public into rushing from their homes screaming – straight to the high street. Thanks to CBS and John Mayer, we’re sure the tinned food, DIY bunker and shotgun industries will all easily avoid collapse!

Seriously, John Mayer’s got a TV show. We’re terrified.

If you’re like us, then you think that there aren’t enough girl-haired, smug-as-shit millionaire fops larking around on our TV like they own the bloody thing, regaling us with a mixture of stories about all the supermodels they’ve felt up and performances of godawful self-written weedy piano ballads.

Yes, not content with being everywhere all the time always even though nobody asked or wanted him to, it looks like John Mayer’s getting his own television show. Provisionally titled either Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I’m So Great or Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I Know What Jennifer Aniston’s Bumhole Looks Like, the TV show will be a mixture of singing, comedy and variety performances sure to leave every member of the family weeping and begging for the mercy of a swift death in stitches. AP reports:

CBS is close to a deal with pop star John Mayer for a music and variety TV show. CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler told a meeting of the Television Critics Association that the project is under development and an agreement is near. She didn’t provide details.

Oh, so it’s not a done deal yet? Good, that’s smart thinking on the part of CBS. It’s obvious that the network only wants to give John Mayer a show in the blind hope that he’ll get his girlfriend Jennifer Aniston to be a guest every single week. Imagine if CBS gave John Mayer a contract and he went and split up with Jennifer Aniston and got back together with Jessica Simpson. That’d be a disaster! Nobody would ever watch CBS again!

Then again, CBS and John Mayer do go way back – in 2006 he was a guest star on an episode of CSI, in an episode involving detectives trying to get to the bottom of a crime scene at one of John Mayer’s concerts, where 4,000 innocent people all died clutching their ears at the same time. We forget what the cause of the crime was now.

Still, don’t hold your breath for this John Mayer variety show to hit the airwaves any time soon. It sounds awfully similar to the recent Rosie O’Donnell variety show, and that died without a trace. And if America won’t accept a show about a deliberately abrasive overweight lesbian, then what hope does a rich white man who couldn’t be more soggy if he wet himself in a puddle have?

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Doesn't matter where you're from, Big Brother always manages to recruit some heavy-duty arsehandles.

In the UK, Big Brother mainly comes undone whenever racism is brought up – sometimes to the extent where entire South Asian subcontinents communally burn little wicker Jade Goodys.

Not in America, though – mental illness is their thing. The latest season of Big Brother there has come under fire because a housemate called Adam decided to reveal that he thinks all autistic people are 'retards' who have bad haircuts. Which is remarkably insensitive, given that up to 85% of all Big Brother housemates worldwide are probably a little bit retarded themselves.

What? It's true.

As much as Big Brother is a colossal parade for attention-seeking dickwipes who'd stab their own parents to death with a dildo if it meant that they'd get just one picture in a magazine for it, you have to admit that it's pretty good at focusing people on issues.

As we've said, in Britain Big Brother helped to raise awareness of racism thanks to Jade Goody's chronic bullying of Shilpa Shetty, while Australian Big Brother made sure that people stopped and thought twice before they rammed their balls into womens' faces.

But generally mental illness is an issue avoided for the most part, partly because no housemate would ever be stupid enough to air their controversial views on such a thorny subject in front of millions of viewers, and secondly because to even want to go on Big Brother in the first place you'd need to have a fairly hefty case of some low-level personality disorder yourself. 

In America, though, Big Brother has wound up in trouble with an Autism charity thanks to a weird little outburst by a housemate called Adam, who apparently works with mentally disadvantaged children. The Associated Press reports that, when asked what he'd spend his potential Big Brother-winning cash on, Adam replied that:

he would spend his winnings on a hair salon for people with developmental disabilities "so retards can get it together and get their hair done." His partner, Sheila, told him: "Don't call them that." Adam responded: "Disabled kids. I can call them whatever I want. I work with them all day, OK?"

Which is fair – it's your right as a worker to call stuff whatever you like. For example, when we worked in a pet shop we used to call kittens 'Furry Little Tossers' and it was OK because we worked there. Similarly, nobody batted an eyelid at the nursing home when we'd refer to the guests as 'Smelly Almost-Dead Wrinkleshits'. And, honestly, you should hear the things we say about you.

However, Autism charities haven't taken Adam's progressive viewpoint lying down and are demanding that Big Brother broadcaster CBS apologises for Adam's outburst, something that it isn't keen of doing very much, only releasing a nondescript statement to try and calm everyone down:

"We certainly find the statements made by Adam to be offensive but believe they were countered by the immediate reaction of shock and condemnation from a fellow houseguest, Sheila… Adam's remarks would not have been permitted to air unchallenged."

So what looks likely to happen now is that Adam will get evicted from Big Brother at the first opportunity, then he'll be fired from his job for the brainlessness of his remarks. And you know what? That's the worst thing that could happen.

Remember that, regardless of the words he chose to explain it, Adam wanted to use his Big Brother prize money to build a special hairdressers for autistic children. Now that he's clearly not going to win, those poor kids are just going to have to struggle on through life with their rubbish badly-conditioned haircuts. Their loss.

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Autism Group Demands Apology From CBS – Associated Press