Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.
And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.
Wait what?
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Since Catherine Zeta Jones got swallowed up by Hollywood, she stopped being that kinda cute one from Darling Buds Of May and became a husk of a human. It seemed like there was something wrong with her, like Katie Holmes when she married fruitcake Tom Cruise.
Well, turned out there was! No, the Thetans hadn’t mangled her mind with alien talk (well, they might, but there’s nothing much to suggest that currently), rather, it turned out she’s bipolar.
And now she’s got something wrong with her, Michael Douglas – who kept knocking on death’s door for a while not too long ago and is probably a bit put out that his wife is hogging the sickly spotlight – is grinning and all proud of his wife who is approximately a millennium younger than he.
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Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.
And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?
Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).
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If you get up really early then you may be lucky enough to hear the booming voice of a pensioner.
For a change, it won’t be the sound of an elderly person who’s fallen over and keeps moaning because their replacement leg has popped off and is rolling away from them. This time, it’ll be the screams of Michael Douglas as he beats his chest at the top of a hill and waves his cock around like a madman.
But why would he be doing that? Shouldn’t he be locked up in a poorly maintained nursing home counting down the days till he dies? Nope, not at all. You see, Michael Douglas bloody well loves sex. Nothing thrills him more than bonking away with his wife Catherine Zeta Jones. And what’s the secret to his drill-like penis? Good old fashioned Viagra that makes go from limp to a raging gimp. Possibly.
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Say stop when this story gets exciting. Catherine Zeta-Jones is in a musical. It’s set in 19th century Sweden.
It features the song Send In The Clowns. At one point last week Catherine Zeta-Jones accidentally flashed the audience. Some songs in the musical employ compound meter, with a time signature such as 12/8. That’s right, the exciting part of this story is that Catherine Zeta-Jones’ musical occasionally employs compound meter, with a time signature such as 12/8! Exciting!
Oh, and also we suppose the bit about Catherine Zeta-Jones getting her boobs out is exciting too, if you like seeing things that Michael Douglas has had his mouth on.
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Let’s play a game of News Gets Worse. We’ll start – David Tennant is keen to make a Doctor Who movie in the next few years.
That’s not terrible news – David Tennant will get to be in a film, it’ll increase the international visibility of Doctor Who and it’d be a lovely gift for all the British fans who’ve stuck by Doctor Who through thick and thin. But now let’s play News Gets Worse: outgoing Doctor Who showrunner Russell T Davies wants Catherine Zeta Jones to play the Doctor’s assistant in the movie.
Actually, Catherine Zeta Jones in a Doctor Who movie isn’t as bad as it sounds. After all, she already has great chemistry with 900-year-old men… because she’s married to Michael Douglas! And she’d never be frightened of evil creepy wrinkly aliens like Davros… because she’s married to Michael Douglas! Honestly, we’ve got a million of these.
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