Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.
These people need us- the non-believers- to show them how good life can be away from omens, faeries, bad luck and fishwives’ tales. They need us to lampoon and mock the beliefs that they hold as fervently as an evangelical Christian holds onto a fading belief in a benevolent creator. We need to be out there, dancing jigs under ladders, crossing swords with black cats and breaking mirrors over the heads of Arch-Bishops.
We need to show people that you make your own luck and believing in omens and superstition will only lead you to dash yourself against the rocks of life! Unless they’re right of course. In which case, those of you who just threw your mobile phones at a mirror on my command might be in for a bit of a tough time.
Kittens, as everyone knows, are adorable. But then they grow up to be cats, and everyone knows that cats can’t wait to kill you in your sleep.
If only there was some way to capture the essence of a kitten and then trap it behind a screen so that it will never grow up with the desire to slash your throat with its razor-sharp cat-talons. Wait a minute! There is!
After the jump is a little downloadable app with a kitten on it. You can stroke the kitten with your mouse and it’ll react with joy instead of a vicious attempt to take one of your eyes out. Download it and it’ll do even more stuff. After the jump…
The internet in digest form. But with less pornography, sadly.
5 - Busuu.com – it’s like Facebook but you learn a new language doing it rather than get publicly ridiculed for the way you’re beginning to resemble members of bad 1990s American jam bands. So it’s better – Busuu
4 – It’s a hamster that looks like a cake. And it looks delicious, which is probably counterproductive -Gawker
3 - The hecklerspray IT department in full force
2 -Known Gary Glitter Aliases. From The Onion, so just as funny as you’d expect – The Onion
1 - How to make Spider-Man 4 not so awful that it makes us want to punch Tobey Maguire in the face as hard we can. Tough job -IGN
“The lines are closed. The votes have been verified. And I can now reveal that the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is… Stephanie!”
And with that went my chance of making any money out of Paddy Power this week!
I had my lolly on creepy Mario and his plastic wife Lisa. Surely that was a banker of a bet? But no – the voting public thought otherwise and ousted pretty young thing Steph, the only one to really stand up to the gruesome twosome and their childish bullying.
Apart from those two sad acts, she was probably the only one who expected her name to be called by Davina, too. The faces of the others told that story quite clearly.
Hey, cat owners! Tired of your pet basically ignoring you and dragging half-dead frogs into your house all the time? Well, why not cover them in sticky tape as a sort of freakish revenge ploy!
That seems to be the gist of this clip, anyway – it looks as if you can really bugger up a cat’s ability to walk by strapping a load of sticky tape across its fur. We think – not being able to speak Japanese, we have no idea whether this is a specially-trained tape cat or whether you can make all cats walk around like wankers if you bung a strip of masking tape on their backs. You can always try it on your cat to find out, you know. And video it. And send us the Youtube link.
And, no, this definitely isn’t cruel to cats. Well, it might be a bit cruel. But it’s funny. And isn’t that more important?
Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.
Kittens, as everyone knows, are adorable. But then they grow up to be cats, and everyone knows that cats can’t wait to kill you in your sleep.
