According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Honor Marie Warren was probably called Honor because Jessica Alba and Cash Warren felt honored by having her, just as Cash Warren was named by his parents who felt a tight financial burden by having him. His parents were more accurate.

When Honor grows up, every time a boy kisses her they will no doubt follow it up by saying “what an honor”.

It won’t be confined to just boys either. Throughout her life, whenever she does a favor for anyone, or when anyone does a favor for her, someone will say “it’s been an honor” and then laugh.

At the age of about six, Honor will be asking God why her parents gave her such a rubbish name.

This will evolve into a deep psychological problem by the time she reaches adolescence and, if she isn’t fortunate enough to have inherited her mother’s gluteal genes as compensation, she will probably be reaching for the medicine cabinet before she makes her 20s.

It all happened on Saturday, June 7 in Los Angeles. Her representative, Brad Cafarelli, confirmed so to People magazine.

Jessica Alba was recently interviewed by Fit Pregnancy. When asked what kind of a mother she’d like to be, she said:

I don’t want to be my child’s best friend. I want to be a mom, But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it’s going to be about treading that line.

And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.

So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.

We’ve always been jealous of those children who can count backwards from their birthday and only get three or four months in before they get to their parents’ wedding anniversary. Because nothing says ‘I love you’ more than the nagging sense that your parents never really loved each other and only got married to appease their own guilt and that they both secretly resent you for it.

That’s something Little Baby Alba will come to experience in time, because now that Jessica Alba is heavily pregnant, her boyfriend Cash Warren has decided to get married to her.

Apparently Jessica and Cash got married in Beverly Hills on Monday and – following the new regulations stating that celebrities must make their weddings seem far more important than they actually are by not telling anyone first – it was all done in secret. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren tied the legal knot yesterday (Monday) in the Beverly Hills courthouse, saying their “I do’s” under an white trellis arch entwined with green and white fake flowers. Jessica wore a long blue dress, with her hair in a ponytail. Cash wore a white shirt and brown pants. They applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the processing before a staff member married them.

Ah, the enchanting beaurocracy of it all. We’re misting up just thinking about it. Still, just because Jessica Alba dumped Cash Warren once before she got pregnant and several times afterwards, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t meant to be together. Unless it does. It probably does in hindsight, actually. Whoops.

Anyway, figuring out that her parents probably just got married because of nothing more than an outmoded sense of guilt won’t be too much of an issue for Unborn Alba Female Number One to deal with. That’ll actually be third on her list of neuroses after the fact that her mother only communicates with her in garbled kindergarten Spanish and the deep shame she’ll feel once she’s figured out that at least one of her parents was directly responsible for Good Luck Chuck.

We wouldn’t like to be her when that kicks in.

Read more:

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren’s no-frills wedding ceremony - LAT

How wrong we were – it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.

At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest – if we'd let a man called Cash knock us up we'd be pretty bloody livid too.

Smart girl, Jessica Alba. She knows that she can't be the only pregnant celebrity on the scene, or – thanks to Halle Berry – the most ridiculously swollen pregnant celebrity. But Jessica Alba can be the most needlessly talkative pregnant celebrity.

Even though she's only been pregnant for about five minutes, Jessica Alba has announced her pregnancy, declared how much she enjoys being pregnant, expressed her fear of breastfeeding and remarked on what lovely big boobies she's got. And now it's time for Jessica Alba to explain her hormonal rage in forensic detail.

Jessica Alba, you see, has kicked her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house twice now. AHN reports:

"I think I threw him out of the house twice already since I've been pregnant. He's like, 'Are you just pregnant? I hope you're just pregnant and acting crazy,' and I'm like, 'It has nothing to do with that.' Little things make me so mad. He calls five minutes later than he said he was going to. You get so emotional when you're pregnant, and so irrational. It's totally dumb."

But while it's easy to put her dysfunctional behaviour down to a surge of pregnancy hormones, Jessica Alba might be affording it a bit too much of the blame. Because this whole 'kicking out and getting back together' thing isn't limited to her pregnancy – Jessica Alba dumped Cash Warren a month or two before he knocked her up. At this rate we'll be surprised if they even lasted until Easter.

But forget that, because Jessica Alba is barrelling through the pregnancy side-effect list so quickly that she's going to run out of stuff to blab about by the time she finally gives birth. So what next? An interview dedicated solely to all the haemorrhoids that have started jutting out of her anus? A press conference about the exact dimensions of poo that got evacuated in the last stage of labour?

Well, this is Jessica Alba we're talking about, so yes. Both of those things.

Read more:

Jessica Alba Admits To Kicking Boyfriend Out Of House – AHN 

And Jessica Alba is being refreshingly open about being pregnant – her spokesperson has confirmed that in late spring/early summer 2008, Jessica will give birth to a baby fathered by on-off boyfriend Cash Warren. It's a knotty situation for the global army of obsessed male Jessica Alba fans, who now all have to ask themselves if they have the capacity to marry Jessica Alba and raise another man's child as their own if she asked them, before concluding quite quickly that Jessica Alba would probably ask Ian Huntley to raise her children rather than get within a hundred yards of their flabby, lonely sweat-stink for even a second.

As Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera have shown, it's highly fashionable at the moment to be very obviously pregnant but remain silent about it, thinking that you're creating an aura of mystique around yourself without realising that people just think you've been pigging out on bus-sized deep-fried cheesecakes instead.

But Jessica Alba isn't very fashionable – see also how she's shunned the current trend for making films that aren't so terrible that they make people try and blind themselves with their fingertips after about 15 minutes – which is why she's announced that she is pregnant nice and early, before anyone even had time to spread malicious rumours about her sudden weight-gain.

According to her slave Brad Cafarelli:

"I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer."

Cash, of course, is Cash Warren – the director's assistant who Jessica Alba met while filming The Fantastic Four. Cash Warren is also the man who Jessica Alba dumped four months ago, possibly because even she kept having to look him up on IMDb just to see who he actually is.

But, hey, it seems like Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are sufficiently back together for him to make her pregnant, so we wish the both of them and their unborn baby all the luck in the world. Especially Jessica Alba, because whatever she might think, her film career is based on three things: 1) how good she looks in a bikini, 2) the prospect of her movie career failing so dismally that one day she'll be forced to gratuitously remove her bikini in a film and 3) the way that Jessica Alba doesn't stagger around with matted hair and bags under her eyes complaining that her breasts are tender and she's long-since lost the ability to control her bladder effectively all the time. When she has a baby, it'll be interesting to see if she can maintain her old sexy reputation.

Actually, we're sorry for that last remark. It's wrong of us to assume that a young woman can lose all trace of her sensuality just because she's got pregnant and given birth to a child. In many ways, pregnancy and motherhood can even enhance a girl's sex appeal. Just look at Britney Spea… oh, never mind.

Read more:

Jessica Alba Is Pregnant - People