Casey James - HecklerSpray

American Idol: Goodbye Casey James, You Girl-Haired Moron

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Just like Lost, Simon Cowell-era American Idol will have reached its dramatic conclusion by this time next week.

Will we ever get any answers? Clearly, we know that Simon Cowell was created when his brother pushed him into a glowing cave two thousand years ago, and we know that somewhere in a parallel universe a Scottish failsafe is trying to run Paula Abdul over as often as possible – not because he’s trying to awaken her consciousness, but because her line of home shopping jewellery is tatty and naff, and that’s a good enough reason. But when will we learn who’ll win the last Cowell-rea American Idol? When?

Oh, next week. Right. We know this because Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze are the only two contestants left on American Idol after girl-haired ninny Casey James was voted off last night, two months too late. Thanks for pulling through eventually, America.

American Idol: The Door’s Over There, Michael Lynche

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Caddyshack. Of course. Caddyshack. American Idol had its annual Songs From Films Of Cinematic Worth week this week.

And it chose Caddyshack. And by some horrific fluke, Crystal Bowersox – who decided to use this week’s American Idol as an outlet for her Caddyshack theme-tune recital ability – wasn’t instantly voted off American Idol. Instead it was Michael Lynche, who flicked through every iconic, Oscar-winning song from movie history before deciding to just wail out a ditty from Free Willy instead. Yes, Free Willy had songs in it. Who knew?

Michael Lynche has left American Idol. That means that this will no longer be another one of those American Idol seasons that’s won by a big fat black man. No, this season of American Idol is going to break new ground by either being won by a man with girl’s hair or a woman who looks like she’s allergic to soap.

American Idol: Here’s Your Final 12, Then. Sorry

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Good news, world! American Idol has picked its final 12 contestants, which means that American Idol will be over in…

What? Three months? That’s ages away! Oh, this isn’t the good news that we originally thought it was. But, hey, at least the last few weeks have conclusively shown that this is the most talented crop of contestants that American Idol has ever seen, right?

What? By common consensus this is the least-talented group of American Idol contestants in the show’s history? This news keeps getting worse and worse! Next you’ll be telling us that the winner of American Idol will end up releasing some sort of second-rate, hackily generic power ballad as their first single? WHAT? The WILL? Oh, this isn’t our day at all. Meet the American Idol final 12 after the jump…

American Idol: Nobody Is Very Good

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

It’s time to stop messing around. American Idol is down to its final 24 contestants – and one will soon be a star.

Probably. Don’t quote us on that. Another scenario is that American Idol will spend the next three months trying its hardest to convince the world that at least one mediocre wailer is a superstar, and then we’ll all forget about them five minutes after the final because their winning single sounds like a jingle from a shaving cream advert from 1986.

Judging by this week’s American Idol, the latter looks the most likely. Of the 24 remaining contestants, it’s fair to say that calling any of them average would be a hideous over-exaggeration. It’s going to be a long three months.