Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Carrie Underwood is not the typical story of an American Idol contestant winning her $1 million and disappearing. She has taken advantage of her fifteen minutes of fame and milked every penny out of it.
Underwood is one of the most successful female artists in the world, selling over 65 million albums of generic pop music. The agents that picked her up after American Idol must be laughing all the way to the bank.
Some classics should never be remade.? Gone With The Wind.? Dirty Dancing.? Striptease.? You cannot improve on perfection, and Hollywood needs to stop trying making shitty ass remakes of everything.? Bigger budgets and fancy technology does not override shitty actors and emotionless actresses.
This week, Carrie Underwood starred in the epic failure that was a remake of The Sound of Music.? Underwood obviously pissed someone off, because not only was she set up for failure just by being cast, but they decided to make the whole thing live.? That probably didn’t much make of a difference to the outcome though, since Photoshop can only make you thinner, not more talented.
The reigning queen of Country Music, as crowned in 2012 by Billboard magazine, Carrie Underwood, has sold more more than 14 million albums worldwide. With?masses of cascading blond hair and?gigantic sparkling teeth,?29-year old Carrie,?hit the big time after winning season 4 of American Idol … back when people still cared about the actual talent of the contestants and not just the judges’ drama.
Always savvy about her public image,?Carrie stated in 2008: “Most of the time I slap on some makeup in the morning so I don’t look bad if somebody snaps a picture. … Very rarely do I go out without makeup.” She meant what she said because there are very few photos of her looking less than stage-ready.
Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now.? Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don't worry we're not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.
To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you'd only get a little bit of motion sickness.
Yes, there is a massive ?but? here? although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers.? Instead we're celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.
You probably know Carrie Underwood as the American Idol singer who wins all those country music awards.
Well guess what? She’s won some country music awards. We know – we’re just as flabbergasted as you. At last night’s CMT Music Awards, Carrie Underwood walked away with Video Of The Year and Performance Of The Year, beating off the likes of Keith Urban, Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, Blind Willy Pistolwhip, Boozy Joe And The Domestic Violence Charges and Toothless Jick McGoonahey’s Spittoon Banjo Allstars.
But still, congratulations to Carrie Underwood! May your persistent award victories continue to mask your total lack of personality!
Oh well done Mike Fisher. No, really, on behalf of all men, thanks. You’ve just ruined Christmas for us all.
You’ve got engaged to Carrie Underwood. Right before Christmas. You know what that means? It doesn’t matter what gifts we buy our girlfriends this year – oven cleaner, hoovers, ironing boards – it’s not going to go down as well as a marriage proposal. Sure, you might have made Carrie Underwood very happy, Mike Fisher – but by highlighting our lacklustre gift-giving skills, you’ve buggered Christmas up for all men.
Wore still, we don’t even really know who you or Carrie Underwood are. You’re mean, Mike Fisher, you arsehole.
Every year the ACM awards – like the Grammys but more buck-toothed and NASCAR-fixated – end up the same way.
Kenny Chesney wins. Every year – no matter how obviously unentertaining he’s been – Kenny Chesney wins the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award, even though he basically has a hat instead of an actual personality.
But this year the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award went to Carrie Underwood, who is female. Carrie Underwood’s win shocked the country music community, with some members worried that if women can win gender-unspecific ACM awards then next they’ll be allowed to vote or drive or something.
A momentous, world-shaping thing happened last night – we learnt that you can put a shark into a trance by holding it upside down.
Oh, and also there was something about an election. Or something. Apparently Barack Obama gets to be president of America now, and that’s something we’re putting down to the huge array of celebrities who endorsed him. True, Obama’s lack of top-level experience may be a concern, but Barbara Streisand says he’s OK, and she sang You Don’t Bring Me Flowers. Ergo he’s the best man for the job.
Just don’t tell that to Carrie Underwood. Carrie Underwood has got so sick of hearing celebrity political endorsements that she’s ranted about it to TV Guide. And rightly so – it’s wrong that celebrities get to abuse their position by publicly broadcasting their badly thought-out opinions in the mistaken belief that they’re more important than everyone else. So thank you Carrie Underwood for doing, um, that exact thing.
All ready to wrap up our four-day-long look at the nominees for the next month’s Best Song Grammy?
What do you mean you hadn’t even noticed we were doing Grammys betting odds? You people make us sick. Anyway, before we start the real fun next week – so long as you can define Dancing On Ice as fun, which you really can’t – let’s wind things up with a look at the favourite to win the Grammy.
So here are the Best Song Grammys betting odds for Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood, with help from Paddy Power…
We love American Idol.
We love it as much as we love watching The Notebook. In a sauna. Wearing a parka. And burlap underwear.
And if there’s anything we love more than American Idol, it's following past American Idol contestants on their road to guaranteed fame and fortune.Take Carrie Underwood for example. She’s twanged her melodies all the way to the top of the country music world, and it isn’t because she’s worked that midriff or had unclassy cleavage, either, because girlfriend says she isn’t into showing a lot of skin.
You see, kids? You don’t need to know that Europe is a continent, not a country to be successful. Just have classy cleavage and you’re golden.
