The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking – it’s just like a Hollywood movie.

Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it’s emerged that Carrie Prejean didn’t simply make one sex tape – she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too.

It just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? Maybe tomorrow we’ll hear that Carrie Prejean isn’t an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.

As far as Carrie Prejean is concerned, all bets are now off. Originally we just thought that Carrie Prejean was just a God-fearing beauty queen with skin the colour of manky carrot pulp and a confusing sideline in belittling homosexuals. But then it turned out that she’d made a sex tape.

But then it turned out that the Carrie Prejean sex tape was literally just footage of Carrie being unspeakable all by herself. But then it turned out that she was a teenager when she made it. But then it turned out that actually she was probably 20. And now it’s turned out that Carrie Prejean more or less can’t stop recording footage of herself thwapping away at her groin like she’s trying to put it out while she simultaneously makes coldly disinterested vowel sounds with her mouth. She’s made hundreds of these tapes. Well maybe not hundreds. Eight. Carrie Prejean has made eight sex tapes. RadarOnline reports:

[Carrie] called the sex tape the biggest mistake of her life. Now a RadarOnline.com investigation has uncovered that there are SEVEN more “biggest mistakes” of her life – all of them solo performances. And there are 30 photos of Carrie, most topless, some showing everything, and most taken by Carrie using her reflection in a mirror… Carrie can be heard moaning on a few of the tapes.

Where is this going to end? Sure, it’s only eight sex tapes and 30 photos today, but tomorrow? We’ve heard rumours that Carrie Prejean has actually made over ten million sex tapes and taken more than four hundred trillion racy photographs of herself. And that around 15% of the videos feature Carrie trying to push a mop handle up the rectum of a startled monkey in a fez. And that a disproportionate number of the photographs show Carrie stark naked and standing at the top of a stepladder, manfully trying to masturbate a cloud to full ejaculation.

It can only be a matter of time before these Carrie Prejean sex tapes see the light of day now, especially since Vivid Entertainment – the company behind the Kim Kardashian sex tape, among others – seems convinced that Carrie will make millions of dollars if she allows it to distribute the tapes.

At the moment, Prejean’s response is said to be “no, at any price” but we can’t see what the fuss is all about. People will end up watching the tapes anyway, so she may as well profit from them. And it’s not like selling homemade diddle tapes of herself is going to stop Carrie Prejean from going to heaven, is it? Because painting herself orange and behaving like a massive arsehole at every possible opportunity will have done that ages ago.

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If you’re new to this, here’s a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King.

Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word ‘inappropriate’ and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it’s become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey’s matted stab wound. That’s right, we need Donald Trump.

And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone’s constantly paying attention to him, he’s obliged. Hooray.

Say what you like about Carrie Prejean, but she sure knows how to promote a book. In fact, we’re so impressed with Carrie Prejean’s promotional skills that when we come to pen our autobiography, we’re going to paint ourselves orange and make a grubby solo sex tape and then throw a half-hearted tantrum on Larry King’s show too. It’s textbook stuff.

But one question remains about Carrie Prejean. No, it’s not ‘when do we get to see that video of Carrie Prejean thrashing away at her genitals?’ and it’s not ‘why didn’t Carrie Prejean leave Larry King’s studio instead of just sitting there flapping her mouth around like some sort of awful bellend?’ – it’s ‘what does Donald Trump make of all this?’

It’s important to know what Donald Trump’s take on the Carrie Prejean saga is, for three reasons:

1) As the boss of the Miss USA pageant, Donald Trump has been inextricably linked to Carrie Prejean for some time now. In his time, Donald has both defended Carrie and sanctioned her sacking. He knows how she ticks.

2) Any time a news story reaches a certain level, a light starts blinking in Donald Trump’s office and he feels the necessity to start barking his barely-formed opinion about it into the nearest camera. This is a mark that the Carrie Prejean sex tape story has hit the big time.

3) Donald Trump knows that if he starts wading in on this issue, his profoundly odd appearance will act as a counter-balance to the general level of horniness surrounding the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Seriously, try to masturbate with an image of Donald Trump in the back of your mind without crying. It’s impossible.

That said, what does Donald Trump think of this Carrie Prejean mess? Let’s find out:

“‘Inappropriate’ is more of a sexual term, as far as I’m concerned…I mean — inappropriate? He asked a very, very easy question and I was surprised that she just didn’t say, ‘Hey, listen, I can’t answer that question.’ Instead she wants to walk off the stage? It was very surprising.”

So that’s that sorted out, then. Join us next week, when Sir Alan Sugar will rub his hands together, puff out his cheeks and shout the word “Cor!” a lot when he’s asked for his opinion about the Jennifer Lopez sex tape. Or something.

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Want to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape? Tough, because Carrie was a teenager when she made it, so you’re a pervert.

You make us sick. Seriously, stop being so creepy. Carrie Prejean was just doing what all teenage girls do – she was simply exploring her sexuality. With her bare hands. On video. While she probably licked her lips and repeatedly mentioned what a bad girl she’d been. Who’d watch something as sick as that? You? Ugh, you disgusting pervert. Carrie Prejean was a teenager when she made it. A teenager!

Except that might not be the case. Carrie Prejean’s ex-boyfriend says that Carrie was actually 20 when she made the sex tape, and that she’s doing everything she can to lie about it.

Carrie Prejean’s sex tape could have been the best thing that ever happened to her. Had you heard of Paris Hilton before the Paris Hilton sex tape was released? Had you heard of Kim Kardashian before her sex tape was released? Or Abi Titmuss? Honestly, the Carrie Prejean sex tape could have been Carrie’s ticket to the big league. No longer would she be known as the beauty queen with the slightly suspect views on gay marriage – instead she’d be known as the beauty queen who voluntarily stuck her fingers up her minge on a video once. She’d be a superstar!

But no. That isn’t to be. Carrie Prejean stupidly decided to make her sex tape when she was a teenager, which means that nobody can watch it unless they want to be known as a filthy paedophile for the rest of their lives. Sorry Carrie Prejean, but you just missed your one shot at immortality.

Or has she? Luckily for Carrie Prejean, salvation may have just arrived. And it has taken the form of the ex-boyfriend who she made the sex tape for in the first place. You see, while Carrie Prejean has been going around forlornly telling everyone that she made the sex tape as a 17-year-old, her ex-boyfriend seems convinced that a) she actually made it when she was 20, b) she’s since asked him to lie about when she made it c) it was just one of between 15 and 20 videos that she filmed of her being unspeakable.

And if that’s the case, watching it wouldn’t make you a filthy paedophile at all – it’d simply make you a red-blooded admirer of the female form, specifically when it’s diddling itself with its fingers. TMZ reports:

During an audio interview with TMZ, the man – who asked us not to use his name – says Carrie sent him the video when they were involved with each other in 2007. He says Carrie sent him numerous explicit videos and insists the one in question was shot when she was 20 . We have verified this is indeed the guy to whom Carrie sent her solo video.

It’s hard to know who to believe here, isn’t it? Who’s more trustworthy, the woman who filmed herself putting things up her fanny, or the man who sold the films of the woman putting things up her fanny? What a sexy dilemma.

One thing’s for sure, though – regardless of her age when she made the sex tape, Carrie Prejean is just fine in the eyes of the God who she believes in so staunchly. After all, check the bible – sure, it says that homosexuality is detestable, but does it say anything about horny orange girls whacking themselves off and filming it with their phones being detestable? No siree. Carrie Prejean, you may be filthy, but you’re still going to heaven.

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This Carrie Prejean sex tape has put the cat among the pigeons. By ‘cat’ we obviously mean ‘oddly fluorescent bigot’.

And by ‘pigeons’ we mean ‘sex tapes’. That’s not a very good analogy, is it? Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Carrie Prejean has finally confirmed the existence of the sex tape that recently scuppered her plan to sue the Miss California organisers for a million dollars.

What’s more, Carrie Prejean says that making the sex tape was the worst mistake of her life. And considering her narrow-minded views on homosexuality, wonky tits, bright orange skin and unnecessarily large hair, that must be one massive mistake. Dirty.

Carrie Prejean’s mouth is always getting her into trouble. Remember what first brought her to your attention? That’s right, it was when Carrie Prejean’s mouth decided to say “I hate the gays!” (we’re paraphrasing) instead of “I want world peace!” at the Miss USA pageant.

Remember what lost her the Miss California gig? That’s right, it was when Carrie Prejean’s mouth told the organisers “You can’t control me!” (we’re paraphrasing) instead of agreeing to smile and wave at whatever crappy community event they thought could be livened up by the sight of a bored-looking blonde woman smiling and waving.

And remember what stopped her winning a million-dollar unfair dismissal payout from the organisers? That’s right, it was Carrie Prejean’s mouth again – this time because she said “Yes, I will film myself splaying my genitals for you like some kind of mind-bendingly grotesque spatchcock” (we’re paraphrasing) to an old boyfriend who wanted her to make a sex tape when she was a teenager.

So you’d think that, by now, Carrie Prejean would have learnt to keep her big mouth shut. Especially when it comes to her sex tape. At the moment we’re in a position where we know that the sex tape exists but no website will dare to publish it. This basically means that pretty soon everyone will get bored of waiting to see it and move on, allowing Carrie Prejean to get on with her life. She could hurry this along by keeping a dignified silence on the matter or, if she must, making a single fleeting reference to her shame over it. Anything more would over-complicate it.

So how did Carrie Prejean respond to news of the sex tape on Fox News yesterday? Let’s find out:

“It was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Oh, OK. Good. That showed a surprising amount of restraint. Well done Carrie Prejean, you have pleasantly surprised us. Anyway, so-

“…I was not having sex with anybody, and call it whatever you want to call it.”

Alright, maybe that’s a little more detail than you could have gone into, but we respect your honestly. You weren’t having sex with anyone. It was probably a masturbation video or something. Thanks Carrie. Anyway, so-

“…I was all by myself. I was a teenager at the time.”

OH FOR GOD’S SAKE. Now we’re desperate to see this teenage beauty queen solo muff-diddle video again. Thanks a lot Carrie Prejean, you massive idiot.

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The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what’s hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?

Nothing, that’s what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!” and “Sink the pink, don’t down the brown!” to herself – doesn’t half give us the ruddy horn.

But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.

The world of sex tapes is a funny one, isn’t it? Over the last few years, people have virtually broken their necks to see Gene Simmons stick it in a disinterested model and that twit from Creed lark about in the nude with Kid Rock and Screech from Saved By The Bell smearing poo across a woman’s face – three things guaranteed to leave you shivering, nauseous and feeling more alone than you have ever felt in your entire life.

And then there’s the now infamous Carrie Prejean sex tape. You’ll remember yesterday that Carrie Prejean – she of loudly outspoken anti-gay activism fame – was forced to drop her lawsuit against the organisers of the Miss California pageant when it emerged that she’d allegedly made a naughty video of her playing with herself. Now, let’s take the various components of the Carrie Prejean sex tape separately. We have:

1 - A girl…

2 - …Who is partly famous for her physical attractiveness…

3 - …That many people would love to see star in a humiliating video that compromises her Christian values and exposes her as a hypocrite…

4 - …With her hand rammed so far up her clodge that you can almost see her fingers poking out the top of her throat when she opens her mouth.

Who wouldn’t want to see that? That’s right – nobody. It sounds perfect. The whole world should be lining up to watch the Carrie Prejean sex tape, either because it wants to mock the flimsiness of her moral foundations or because it wants to masturbate quite a lot. But no. According to reports, nobody even wants to go near the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Celebuzz reports:

It appears that the tape has been circling around for several months, and was being offered as an exclusive to various websites for the relatively low price of $10,000. However, sites like TMZ and TheDirty.Com didn’t even want anything to do with it! Dirty founder Nik Richie told E! News, “It was very graphic and our lawyers wouldn’t let us put it on the site.”

Too racy? Wow, the Carrie Prejean sex tape must be incredibly racy, given that other sex tapes featuring full penetration have surfaced without a hitch in the past. Maybe that’s not the only reason, though. Maybe the sites are scared of the legal consequences of posting it. Or maybe they don’t want to give Carrie Prejean any more attention than she’s currently got. Or maybe Carrie Prejean develops an off-puttingly male voice when she becomes aroused. Yes, that’s probably it.

So the chances of you getting to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape are fading by the day. But if you enjoy watching irritating bigots sexually demean themselves, help is at hand – we heard that Jim Davidson will show you his penis if you offer to buy him a nice bowl of soup.

We made that last bit up. Nobody would pay good soup to see that.

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Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we’ll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she’s had this year alone.

She’s been a beauty queen. She’s been a noted anti-gay activist. She’s starred in commercials. She’s written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we’ve ever read. And now she’s a porn star, too. Sort of.

You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it’s all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn’t hit the internet yet, but it’s supposed to be brilliant – we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.

When we look back at 2009 next month, it looks certain that Carrie Prejean will emerge as the most divisive figure of the year. Thanks to her blundering rant against gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant, Carrie Prejean has split the world in two. Those who agree with Carrie have rallied around her, making her the spokesperson for their causes and initiating a Carrie Prejean Day in her honour. Meanwhile, those who disagree with her have done their best to get her fired as Miss California and knock her off her pedestal for good. It was truly an unhealable schism.

But, people, that schism has finally been healed. And it’s all thanks to the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Now it no longer matters if you’re gay or straight, black or white, leftwing or rightwing, male or female – everyone has been united by a desire to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape for themselves. Especially if there’s a bit where she diddles herself off with a prosthetic tallywhacker.

Maybe we should we explain. Until recently, Carrie Prejean and the Miss California organisers had been locked in a spiral of lawsuit and counter-suit. The organisers claimed that they fired Carrie Prejean because she had posed for some marginally racy photographs against their knowledge, while Prejean argued that the sacking had nothing to do with that and was more about her anti-gay stance, which she claimed was a suppression of free speech.

But now Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers and will walk away with nothing. Why? Because the organisers managed to unearth a copy of a red-hot alleged Carrie Prejean sex tape, that’s why. TMZ reports:

Carrie Prejean demanded more than a million dollars during her settlement negotiations with Miss California USA Pageant officials — that is, until the lawyer for the Pageant showed Carrie an XXX home video of her handiwork. The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.

Thank you, Carrie Prejean. Thank you for making us realise that, while we may have our sporadic ideological quarrels, when seen from space we’re just one blue planet. One blue planet that would love nothing more than to fondle itself stupid to some grainy home-recorded footage of you smearing honey all over your boobs and then bouncing up and down on a child’s trampoline. Or whatever.

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Since Carrie Prejean vanished, we’ve been forced to choose between pretty girls being nice or ugly girls being awful.

But now Carrie Prejean is back! We can have a pretty girl being awful again! Hooray! This time Carrie Prejean has decided to be awful by suing the Miss USA organisers, claiming that they fired her because of her crackpot anti-gay beliefs instead of not doing anything she was told to.

Carrie Prejean is suing for an undisclosed amount and – on the off-chance that she’ll spend it all on a house far away from all of humanity – we hope she wins.

You may not agree with this – either because you disagree with her political beliefs or because you’re fortunate enough to have a job that doesn’t involve having to memorise who idiots like Carrie Prejean are – but the world is a better place whenever Carrie Prejean is in it.

This is true. Just look at the last Miss Universe competition. Carrie Prejean didn’t take part in it, and what was the most exciting thing that happened? Heidi Montag flailing around like a damp Britney Spears impersonator being tasered by a kind-hearted policeman, that’s what. But if Carrie Prejean had been in Miss Universe, it would have been a ball – maybe she’d have repeated her statement about how gay marriage was icky and wrong. Or maybe she’d have aced the Write A Threatening And Badly-Spelt Email To Your Superior round. Or maybe she’d have just got naked again.

The sad truth is, we’ll never know. We’ll never know because Carrie Prejean was sacked as Miss California precisely because of her spectacularly misjudged efforts to win over the audience by declaring gay marriage to be wrong and immoral, without realising that gay men are the only people who watch beauty contests now that the internet has started doing porn for free.

At least that’s what Carrie Prejean says. And she’s suing the Miss USA organisers for their discriminatory behaviour towards her just because she happened to exercise free speech and tell all gay people that they made her want to throw up into a bucket, or whatever. Reuters reports:

Prejean’s attorney Charles LiMandri said pageant officials based their decision to terminate her contract on invitations Prejean received for events she was never required to attend. “There was a strained relationship, and it became that way when she gave that answer and would not back off of it. That’s what this is really all about,” LiMandri told Reuters.

We’ll be honest here – we really don’t care too much about who’ll win this lawsuit. So long as whoever wins it promises to shut up about it forever, we’ll be happy. But Carrie Prejean’s lawsuit does throw a spanner in the works for future Miss USA competitions. Will competitors be too scared to say what they really think for fear of missing out on the title? That hardly seems fair.

That’s why we’ve come up with a proposal. We think that in the future there should be one Miss USA contest for pretty girls who generally make sense when they speak, and several other Miss USA contests for girls with berserk prejudices about other people. That way there could be a Miss Homophobic USA, a Miss Racist USA, a Miss USA Who Doesn’t Trust People If Their Eyes Are Too Close Together and a Miss USA Who Believes That Physical Deformities Are God’s Punishment For Crimes Committed In Previous Lives.

We’d watch it. No we wouldn’t.

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Steady yourselves. We’ve got some big news. Ready? Get this – there’s a beauty queen with quite a high opinion of herself.

Alright, that’s not news – everybody knows that if you put a beauty queen anywhere near any reflective surface she’ll probably try to dry-hump it. But when the beauty queen in question is recently-ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean, and the high opinion of herself manifests itself in a string of berserk, illiterate emails to the Miss California director, then it’s news.

OK, it’s not news either. But it means we can make fun of Carrie Prejean, and that’s always hilarious.

The fundamental debate at the heart of this endless Carrie Prejean malarkey ultimately boils down to the question of free speech. Yes, Carrie Prejean may have potentially lost the Miss USA pageant by banging on about how much she dislikes gay people and how she tried to claw her own face off with her acrylic fingernails the first time she ever saw an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy (we’re paraphrasing) but isn’t this a free society? Shouldn’t Carrie Prejean be allowed to ay anything she likes?

The answer, clearly, is yes. Free speech is a basic human right, and it doesn’t matter if Carrie Prejean uses that right to denounce a section of the community as immoral. It doesn’t matter if Carrie Prejean makes a series of television commercials reinforcing her point. It doesn’t matter if she makes some of those points in just her knickers.

And, really, it doesn’t even matter if Carrie Prejean wants to send a batty series of increasingly-insane emails informing the Miss California director of how little respect she has for him in such a crackpot, badly-written way that if anyone were to actually read them aloud they’d end up being dragged away to a lunatic asylum by a team of burly men equipped with nets and syringes.

Which is just as well because, hey, that’s what she’s done. Now that she’s been sacked as Miss California for essentially being a horrible person, Carrie Prejean’s emails to the pageant director Keith Lewis have been made public. And they’re so perfect that we’d quite like someone to engrave them verbatim onto the side of a mountain for the benefit of future generations.

Ready? Here’s our favourite bit. It comes in reply to an email from Lewis politely asking her to inform him of all her planned appointments – including being a stand-in DJ on a local radio station and appearing at the Special Olympics – so they can be placed on a master calendar to avoid scheduling conflicts:

“You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose the things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice. What are u gonna do fire me for volunteering for the special olympics hahaha ur crazy No I am doing this appearance. You do not need details. Its for the SPECIAL OLYMPICS!!! You just need to know I will be doing it alright.”

Oh Carrie Prejean, we take everything back. You’re brilliant. We’re addressing you directly, by the way, because if your grammar and punctuation are anything to go by, we’d imagine that you’re already a seasoned hecklerspray commenter.

Still, as embarrassing as these emails are, at least it’s given you a couple of golden options for the title of your inevitable reality TV show. And for the record, we’ll be sure to watch regardless of whether you choose to call it Carrie Prejean: Hahaha Ur Crazy or Carrie Prejean: SPECIAL OLYMPICS!!!

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Do you like models? Do you like Christians? Do you like people who are both of those things and never ever shut up about it?

You do? You’re in for a treat – Carrie Prejean is back in the news! Notice that we didn’t refer to her as ‘Miss California Carrie Prejean’, by the way. That’s because she’s not Miss California any more – Donald Trump has just belatedly given her the boot.

Depending on who you listen to, Carrie Prejean was sacked for any number of reasons – but let’s just save time and say it’s because she’s a genuinely unlovable turdswan.

That whole Carrie Prejean flap seems like it happened ages ago, doesn’t it? So much so that we’re already sitting our fictional grandchildren down on our knee and telling them about the magical time long ago when a reasonably pretty woman decided to use the 10 seconds she was allotted in a beauty contest to blather on about how gay people are all icky and every time she sees two men holding hands she compulsively vomits and poos at the same time (we’re paraphrasing).

It seems like it happened so long ago because we assumed it was all over. Carrie Prejean had triumphed against the killjoys who said that Miss California shouldn’t pose almost naked in photos or subscribe to an old-fashioned and offensive brand of ideals whereby people are determined to be second-class citizens based on nothing more than their sexuality.

Donald Trump said that Carrie Prejean was pretty enough to keep her Miss California job, and one town even initiated a Carrie Prejean Day, where we assume each citizen was allowed to render no more that one homosexual unconscious using a commemorative ‘I too subscribe to Carrie Prejean’s outmoded belief system’ extendable police nightstick. And that was that. Sure, it may have ruffled a few feathers, but Carrie Prejean kept her job and that was that.

Except, hang on, that wasn’t that at all. Yesterday, completely out of the blue, Donald Trump decided that we was going to sack Carrie Prejean after all. And it must have been serious, because Donald Trump didn’t even use the announcement to try and hawk any of his awful television shows, either. So what was the reason for Carrie Prejean’s sacking? Let’s ask TMZ:

Trump told us Carrie refused to appear at around 30 events on behalf of Miss California USA. He says Prejean was contractually bound to appear and she just wouldn’t do it. He doesn’t think her attitude has anything to do with her politics. Trump said: “To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else — she treated like shit.”

So let this be a lesson to any aspiring beauty queens out there – feel free to be as painfully unsympathetic to as many subsections of the community as you like, but remember to say please and thank-you while you do, otherwise you’re out.

Needless to say, Carrie Prejean’s getting her knickers in a twist about being fired like this – but does it really matter? By the sound of it, her official Miss California duties – waving at the poor from a throne, reciting badly-memorised soundbites about world peace, that sort of thing – were getting in the way of her ambition to become the world’s prettiest wingnut bigot. In all honesty it sounds like all parties involved here have partly got what they want, and they should be able to move on individually in a much more positive manner.

Still, let’s hope Carrie Prejean’s Miss California replacement doesn’t cause as much of a stink as her predecessor. We’ve got high hopes for you, Goebbels McRacist-Hatecrime.

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Thanks a lot Carrie Prejean. You’ve spent the last month blathering on about gay marriage and look at the consequences.

The main consequence is that we’ve been forced to remember that Cynthia Nixon exists. Cynthia Nixon, the ginger one off Sex And The City famous for being a) a lesbian and b) not even in anybody’s list of top five Sex And The City characters, has got engaged to her girlfriend.

See? Even Sex And The City stars can have same-sex marriages. Except Sarah Jessica Parker – it’s so hard to find a mutant horse/woman hybrid who isn’t married these days.

Despite all this hoo-hah about Miss California, the truth is that gay marriage is progress. Just look at Cynthia Nixon from Sex And The City. If she’d been born a few centuries ago, her desire to get married to a woman would have seen her burnt at the stake as a ginger, not especially popular witch.

But now? Now Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to longtime girlfriend Christine Marinoni and nobody bats an eyelid. Like we said, it’s progress in action – even ginger lesbians get to experience the long, flat, joyless, gnawing, sex-free trudge to the blissful freedom of death that is marriage. One day, in around 20 years’ time, Cynthia Nixon is going to be sitting in her lounge in silence, thinking genuinely murderous thoughts about her wife because she sometimes picks her ear and wipes it on her trousers, and she’ll thank the gay rights movement, we tell you.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Cynthia Nixon, the only lesbian in the principle Sex And The City cast – all the others appear to be pre-op transgender males, by the way – is getting engaged to Christine Marinoni and that is that. MSNBC reports:

Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to girlfriend Christine Marinoni on Sunday at a rally for gay marriage, a source on the scene told Access Hollywood. According to the source, the “Sex and The City” star told the crowd at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally in New York City that she became engaged last month.

This is a groundbreaking announcement for two reasons, really. Firstly, this is the first time that Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to a person who she won’t eventually come to resent because they’ve got a penis, and secondly this is bound to be the precursor to the only lesbian honeymoon sextape in history that nobody would ever watch, not even if you paid them and held their immediate family at gunpoint. So, you know, congratulations for that.

But how will Cynthia Nixon’s engagement affect the production of Sex And The City 2? If the answer to that question is anything other than ‘it has caused the production of Sex And The City 2 to be postponed indefinitely’ then the true answer is ‘not nearly enough’.

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Make it stop. That’s all we want. Why won’t anyone make it stop? We’re willing to pay someone to make this Carrie Prejean thing stop.

But oh no. Oh no. Even though this whole Carrie Prejean thing has tediously rumbled along for so long that even gay people are on the brink of admitting that, actually yes, they have been cursed by God just so long as it makes people stop carping on about it all the bloody time, something ridiculous has happened.

A Califonia district wants to make June 1 Carrie Prejean day. That’s the sound of us weeping, incidentally.

Back when Carrie Prejean used the Miss USA pageant to tell the world that all gay people want to do is fart into your open mouth while you’re eating – we’re paraphrasing – what was the most you expected to come of it? A book deal? A reality show? A passing mention on the year-end retrospective programme 2009 And The Arseholes Who Made It Rubbish?

Whatever it was, you probably weren’t expecting it to drag on for as long as it has. All this stuff about Carrie Prejean and Carrie Prejean’s naked body and and how much Carrie Prejean wants all gay people to be rounded up and forced to row Viking longboats until they die of exhaustion – we’re paraphrasing – has burbled on so pointlessly for so long that even Shanna Moakler has decided to get involved.

Shanna Moakler, for crying out. That’s how you know when a trend has run its course, by waiting for Shanna Moakler to get involved. She’s the official cut-off for everything. She was the last person on Earth to hate Paris Hilton with any real conviction, she was the last person on Earth to enjoy the music of Blink-182 and she’s the last person on Earth to have her say about Carrie Prejean. So let’s all agree to disagree and move on, right? Right, California district of Vista? The North Country Times reports:

School officials in Vista were set to vote late Thursday on a proposal to declare June 1 Carrie Prejean Day in the district, in honor of the Vista High School graduate and Miss USA runner-up thrust into the spotlight last month. “Carrie Prejean is not a spokesperson for traditional marriage,” said one of the first speakers on the issue, Jill Parvin, a parent in the district. “She is a former student with the courage to speak her mind.”

Brilliant. No, really, that’s great – name a day after the person most likely to polarise your population, Vista. Very clever. That’s not going to backfire at all, is it? Honestly, just because your district was named after a rubbishy Microsoft operating system, there’s no need to take it out on the rest of the world.

Oh, look, we’re just bitter. Carrie Prejean gets a day of her own just because she’s a blonde girl with massive knockers and a deep-rooted intolerance of her fellow man, but where’s hecklerspray day? Maybe we need to be a bit more bigoted ourselves. Let’s have a go – gosh, those Eskimos really are an awful bunch of wankers, aren’t they?

We’ll be right here when you need us, day-naming committee.

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You might think that everybody was utterly bored by Carrie Prejean by now. But you’d be completely wrong.

Because there’s still Miss California co-director Shanna Moakler. Even though Donald Trump has already allowed Carrie Prejean to keep the Miss California title, Shanna Moakler refuses to give up the fight – she’s still there, figuratively standing on the mountaintop waving the flag. Admittedly it’s a flag made out of nobody cares and she’s standing top of Mount Shut Up, but never mind.

Anyway, Shanna Moakler has resigned from her job in protest at Carrie Prejean. Weird, huh? Shanna Moakler had a job?

Although people are generally dismayed by all this nonsense about Carrie Prejean – either because they feel that the basic right to free speech is being eroded or because they’re offended that someone can still harbour such antiquated opinions in 2009 – you have to admit that quite a lot of good has come from it.

For starters, it’s managed to test the limits of human endurance like nothing else before it – it’s been a month already and we haven’t quite thrown ourselves off a bridge at the futility of it all. Secondly, it’s allowed people to write “Get Aids and die you cum swallowing queers“ on the internet under an assumed name which, as everybody can attest, is the absolute pinnacle of bravery. And thirdly it’s reminded us of the existence of Shanna Moakler.

Oh, you know. Shanna Moakler. Not married to the drummer from Blink 182 any more. Possibly punched Paris Hilton in a nightclub once. You remember. Anyway, Shanna Moakler is also the co-director of the Miss California pageant, because instructing a bunch of breathtakingly stupid girls how to walk around in bikinis is apparently a job now.

Or should we say that Shanna Moakler was the co-director of the Miss California pageant – thanks to Donald Trump’s decision to let Carrie Prejean retain her crown, she’s just decided to resign, saying:

“I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth. I want to be a role model for young [women], but now feel it more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams.”

Now, we’re assuming that Shanna Moakler resigned because Carrie Prejean said that all gay people lived in trees and couldn’t use cutlery properly and smelt like old peoples’ beds (we’re paraphrasing) at the Miss USA pageant and not because she posed for about a million naked photos, because Google Images shows that Shanna’s not too sloppy when it comes to that either.

So what next for Shanna Moakler? It’s hard to say for sure, but taking a stand against Donald Trump like this can’t be good. It’s probably ruled her out of the next Celebrity Apprentice, and that’s a shame – as a woman who was formerly married to the drummer in an awful one-hit wonder band from a decade ago, she’d have easily been the most famous contestant there.

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Alright, not forever. But yesterday Donald Trump let Carrie Prejean stay as Miss California despite her nonsense.

It was generous of Donald Trump, since it was thought that Carrie Prejean had violated Miss California law by getting naked for a bunch of photographs and then saying that she didn’t want to live next to any gay people in case they broke into her house in the night and wiped their balls on her face. We’re paraphrasing.

But Carrie Prejean is still Miss California. Admittedly the most disliked Miss California since that child-murdering Nazi goose was accidentally crowned in 1975, but whatever.

Carrie Prejean is a model, and she is a Christian. We know this because Carrie Prejean has repeated it on average 700 times a bloody day ever since she got all like “Urr, gays” at Miss USA last month. And that’s what got her into all this trouble in the first place – not that fact that she won’t shut up about how she secretly thinks that gay people are the root and cause of all human suffering (we’re paraphrasing) but because models are stupid and therefore she’s probably misunderstood quite a large portion of the Bible.

For instance, all that stuff about turning the other cheek? Carrie Prejean clearly took that to mean that she should get her arse out for a photographer. And by doing so she apparently contravened Miss California rule number one, which reads. ‘for crying out loud, lady, could you at least try to keep it in your pants for once?’

Because of this, it looked as if Carrie Prejean’s days as Miss California could be numbered. But that was before kindly Old Man Trump stepped in to save the day with his twinkly eyes and haircut so awful it’s almost like he’s wearing it as a joke. As the owner of the Miss USA contest, Donald Trump was allowed to decide whether Carrie Prejean could keep her job as Miss California or not, as yesterday he decided that she could, saying:

“We’ve reviewed the pictures carefully. We’ve made a determination that the pictures taken were acceptable. Some were risque, but we are in the 21st century… She gave an honorable answer. She gave an answer from her heart, and I think for that she has to be commended.”

Of course Donald Trump forgave Carrie Prejean. He’s got a thing for generosity towards sexy young women with nice boobies, after all – not only did he forgive Tara Conner after she shagged a lot of men on drugs in a pub or something, but he also let Joan Rivers win Celebrity Apprentice this week. And, let’s face it, that woman is a stone-cold fox.

But anyway, the press conference is over and Carrie Prejean is still Miss California, so that should put an end to all this endless petty palaver. Provided, of course, that Carrie Prejean learns from the furore and takes from this the importance of diplomatic silence. What’s that? She said what at the press conference?

“I exercised my freedom of speech and I was punished for doing so. This should not happen in America. It undermines the constitutional rights for which my grandfather fought for (in World War Two). I believe no one should be silenced if they are speaking from their heart. I am a model. I am a Christian.”

Would one of you be able to finish this post off for us? We’re too busy repeatedly smacking our head against our desk.

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Today is a big day for Carrie Prejean. Today Donald Trump decides if she’s allowed to keep her Miss California crown.

If Carrie Prejean remains Miss California, reaction will be mixed. Gay marriage campaigners will obviously see it as a slap in the face. Similarly, it’ll be brilliant news for any other pretty bigots with beauty queen aspirations. No longer will an intolerance for black people or a desire to punch all animals in the face stand between them and very minor fame.

But if Carrie Prejean does go, the pageant directors have lined up a handy-dandy Plan-B alternative.

It’s a well-established fact that a community cannot exist without a beauty queen. Deprive people of their right to be patronisingly waved at by a furiously stupid young woman in a sash sitting on a chair on a slowly-moving flatbed trailer once a year and they’ll end up rioting. Look at Africa – all that starvation and pestilence and stuff only started when beauty queen were abolished.

And that’s why California is in such a panic over Carrie Prejean. The reigning Miss California, Carrie Prejean has ruffled feathers on two fronts. First, she made a regrettable statement about how much gay people make her want to vomit into a bucket – we’re paraphrasing – and then starred in a series of commercials to reinforce the point. Secondly she’s been snapped in a series of increasingly-risque photographs to which the only natural conclusion is a shot of her literally turned inside out at the vagina with an animal dry-humping one of her legs.

Both of these are apparently against the rules of the Miss California competition, which is why Donald Trump plans to hold a press conference later today to tell the world whether Carrie Prejean gets to keep her title or not.

And, right now, nobody knows. On one hand Donald Trump has a history of forgiving wayward beauty queens – like he did when Tara Conner was outed as a drug-addled nymphomanic – but, then again, the Miss California pageant directors have already lined up an alternative, which can’t be good news. USA Today reports:

Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler, have appointed first runner-up Tami Farrell as “our official Beauty of California ambassador.” Lewis and Moakler have objected to Prejean’s signing on to the National Organization for Marriage’s lobbying team and to Prejean’s failure to acknowledge the topless photos. “For us, the severity of nudity is not the issue,” said Moakler. “The fact that she entered the contest under false pretense is.”

If Tami Farrell does get a promotion to Miss California later today, let’s hope that the directors made a better choice. Because, yes, Carrie Prejean might be a stupid beauty queen, but in truth she probably isn’t stupid enough. Fingers crossed that Tami Farrell is so stupid that she’s forgotten how to use the basic motor functions that allow her to speak. Because if she has, it’d probably save a lot of headaches.

However, if Carrie Prejean is ditched as Miss California, all sorts of people will be up in arms about the erosion of her right to free speech. And to those people we say wait until Carrie Prejean inevitably publishes 15 volumes of her autobiography, stars in six or seven different reality TV shows and becomes such a fixture in magazines and newspapers that you end up being sick of the sight of her.

So, in short, wait until July.

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This stuff about Miss California Carrie Prejean is a mess. It’s a mess that only a man can fix.

OK, not a man. It’s a mess that only a ridiculous shaved bear in a gaudy suit with what appears to be an orangutan’s hairy bottom perched on top of his head can fix. And by that, we clearly mean Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has vowed to personally get to the bottom of Carrie Prejean’s recent anti-gay activities. No, sorry, ‘bottom’ is an unfortunate choice of word. He’s vowed to bum it blind in a nightclub toilet. There, that’s better.

Poor old Carrie Prejean. The only thing she’s guilty of is having skin so orange that everyone within 50 feet of her feels uncomfortable unless they’re wearing a hazmat suit. Sure, she might have accidentally blurted out a torrent of unfortunate anti-gay invective at the Miss USA pageant, but so what? Beauty queens are supposed to be stupid, remember? We prefer beauty queens who genuinely believe that thunder is the sound of clouds banging together or that Narnia is a real country. The thicker the better, that’s the beauty queen rule.

But Carrie Prejean wouldn’t let it lie. Since Miss USA she’s been swept up by the conservative cause and has appeared in anti-gay adverts as well as getting her bottom out for a photograph four years ago. Clearly, things are getting out of hand, with some saying that Carrie Prejean should be stripped of her Miss California title and others saying “BERN ALL THE GAYE KWEERS!!1!”. Admittedly, most of the latter appear to have used the hecklerspray comment section as their soapbox, but whatever.

But don’t worry, because here comes the calvalry. Donald Trump has promised to wade in and sort out the Carrie Prejean issue personally. Why? Here’s why:

1 - Donald Trump is head of the Miss USA organisation and this is his professional responsibility.

2 - Donald Trump realises that this problem can only be solved by a ludicrous man bellowing and jabbing his fingers about a bit.

3 - Donald Trump realises that this has been in the news for over a week and it’s his turn to get some bloody attention, goddamn it.

So tomorrow there’s going to be a press conference, after which we’re never going to hear about any of this again. Hopefully. Fox reports:

Trump said there are “things to look at,” but, “hopefully it will be a positive decision.” … Trump skirted around questions as to whether Prejan’s photos violated any pageant rules. “Most of these girls are models,” Trump said. “They do things that are not necessarily a bad thing. And look, Carrie is a seriously good looking girl. Because of her looks, [they] are making such a big deal with this.”

Donald Trump makes a good point here – people are only getting upset with Carrie Prejean because she’s pretty. The moral here is that you should only be a horrible reactionary bigot if you’ve got a face that looks like a human scrotum stuffed with Stickle Bricks. Which, we think, means that Donald Trump can pretty much say whatever he likes without fear of consequence. It’s a win-win, really.

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