The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking – it’s just like a Hollywood movie.
Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it’s emerged that Carrie Prejean didn’t simply make one sex tape – she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too.
It just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? Maybe tomorrow we’ll hear that Carrie Prejean isn’t an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.
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The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what’s hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?
Nothing, that’s what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!” and “Sink the pink, don’t down the brown!” to herself – doesn’t half give us the ruddy horn.
But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.
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Steady yourselves. We’ve got some big news. Ready? Get this – there’s a beauty queen with quite a high opinion of herself.
Alright, that’s not news – everybody knows that if you put a beauty queen anywhere near any reflective surface she’ll probably try to dry-hump it. But when the beauty queen in question is recently-ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean, and the high opinion of herself manifests itself in a string of berserk, illiterate emails to the Miss California director, then it’s news.
OK, it’s not news either. But it means we can make fun of Carrie Prejean, and that’s always hilarious.
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Make it stop. That’s all we want. Why won’t anyone make it stop? We’re willing to pay someone to make this Carrie Prejean thing stop.
But oh no. Oh no. Even though this whole Carrie Prejean thing has tediously rumbled along for so long that even gay people are on the brink of admitting that, actually yes, they have been cursed by God just so long as it makes people stop carping on about it all the bloody time, something ridiculous has happened.
A Califonia district wants to make June 1 Carrie Prejean day. That’s the sound of us weeping, incidentally.
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You might think that everybody was utterly bored by Carrie Prejean by now. But you’d be completely wrong.
Because there’s still Miss California co-director Shanna Moakler. Even though Donald Trump has already allowed Carrie Prejean to keep the Miss California title, Shanna Moakler refuses to give up the fight – she’s still there, figuratively standing on the mountaintop waving the flag. Admittedly it’s a flag made out of nobody cares and she’s standing top of Mount Shut Up, but never mind.
Anyway, Shanna Moakler has resigned from her job in protest at Carrie Prejean. Weird, huh? Shanna Moakler had a job?
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Alright, not forever. But yesterday Donald Trump let Carrie Prejean stay as Miss California despite her nonsense.
It was generous of Donald Trump, since it was thought that Carrie Prejean had violated Miss California law by getting naked for a bunch of photographs and then saying that she didn’t want to live next to any gay people in case they broke into her house in the night and wiped their balls on her face. We’re paraphrasing.
But Carrie Prejean is still Miss California. Admittedly the most disliked Miss California since that child-murdering Nazi goose was accidentally crowned in 1975, but whatever.
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Today is a big day for Carrie Prejean. Today Donald Trump decides if she’s allowed to keep her Miss California crown.
If Carrie Prejean remains Miss California, reaction will be mixed. Gay marriage campaigners will obviously see it as a slap in the face. Similarly, it’ll be brilliant news for any other pretty bigots with beauty queen aspirations. No longer will an intolerance for black people or a desire to punch all animals in the face stand between them and very minor fame.
But if Carrie Prejean does go, the pageant directors have lined up a handy-dandy Plan-B alternative.
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This stuff about Miss California Carrie Prejean is a mess. It’s a mess that only a man can fix.
OK, not a man. It’s a mess that only a ridiculous shaved bear in a gaudy suit with what appears to be an orangutan’s hairy bottom perched on top of his head can fix. And by that, we clearly mean Donald Trump.
Donald Trump has vowed to personally get to the bottom of Carrie Prejean’s recent anti-gay activities. No, sorry, ‘bottom’ is an unfortunate choice of word. He’s vowed to bum it blind in a nightclub toilet. There, that’s better.
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