Carrie Prejean naked - HecklerSpray

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: And The Tits Just Keep On Coming

November 16th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking – it’s just like a Hollywood movie.

Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it’s emerged that Carrie Prejean didn’t simply make one sex tape – she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too.

It just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? Maybe tomorrow we’ll hear that Carrie Prejean isn’t an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.

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Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Literally No Takers Whatsoever

November 6th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what’s hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?

Nothing, that’s what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!” and “Sink the pink, don’t down the brown!” to herself – doesn’t half give us the ruddy horn.

But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.

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Carrie Prejean’s Furious Emails Are PRICELESS

June 12th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Steady yourselves. We’ve got some big news. Ready? Get this – there’s a beauty queen with quite a high opinion of herself.

Alright, that’s not news – everybody knows that if you put a beauty queen anywhere near any reflective surface she’ll probably try to dry-hump it. But when the beauty queen in question is recently-ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean, and the high opinion of herself manifests itself in a string of berserk, illiterate emails to the Miss California director, then it’s news.

OK, it’s not news either. But it means we can make fun of Carrie Prejean, and that’s always hilarious.

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Fat Baby Jesus, Now There’s Going To Be A Carrie Prejean Day

May 15th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Make it stop. That’s all we want. Why won’t anyone make it stop? We’re willing to pay someone to make this Carrie Prejean thing stop.

But oh no. Oh no. Even though this whole Carrie Prejean thing has tediously rumbled along for so long that even gay people are on the brink of admitting that, actually yes, they have been cursed by God just so long as it makes people stop carping on about it all the bloody time, something ridiculous has happened.

A Califonia district wants to make June 1 Carrie Prejean day. That’s the sound of us weeping, incidentally.

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Shanna Moakler Gets Her Knickers In A Twist Over Carrie Prejean

May 14th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might think that everybody was utterly bored by Carrie Prejean by now. But you’d be completely wrong.

Because there’s still Miss California co-director Shanna Moakler. Even though Donald Trump has already allowed Carrie Prejean to keep the Miss California title, Shanna Moakler refuses to give up the fight – she’s still there, figuratively standing on the mountaintop waving the flag. Admittedly it’s a flag made out of nobody cares and she’s standing top of Mount Shut Up, but never mind.

Anyway, Shanna Moakler has resigned from her job in protest at Carrie Prejean. Weird, huh? Shanna Moakler had a job?

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Donald Trump: Carrie Prejean Can Be Miss California FOREVER!

May 13th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Alright, not forever. But yesterday Donald Trump let Carrie Prejean stay as Miss California despite her nonsense.

It was generous of Donald Trump, since it was thought that Carrie Prejean had violated Miss California law by getting naked for a bunch of photographs and then saying that she didn’t want to live next to any gay people in case they broke into her house in the night and wiped their balls on her face. We’re paraphrasing.

But Carrie Prejean is still Miss California. Admittedly the most disliked Miss California since that child-murdering Nazi goose was accidentally crowned in 1975, but whatever.

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Carrie Prejean’s Replacement Gets Lined Up, Just In Case

May 12th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Today is a big day for Carrie Prejean. Today Donald Trump decides if she’s allowed to keep her Miss California crown.

If Carrie Prejean remains Miss California, reaction will be mixed. Gay marriage campaigners will obviously see it as a slap in the face. Similarly, it’ll be brilliant news for any other pretty bigots with beauty queen aspirations. No longer will an intolerance for black people or a desire to punch all animals in the face stand between them and very minor fame.

But if Carrie Prejean does go, the pageant directors have lined up a handy-dandy Plan-B alternative.

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Carrie Prejean Gay Kerfuffle: Relax, Donald Trump’s On It

May 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This stuff about Miss California Carrie Prejean is a mess. It’s a mess that only a man can fix.

OK, not a man. It’s a mess that only a ridiculous shaved bear in a gaudy suit with what appears to be an orangutan’s hairy bottom perched on top of his head can fix. And by that, we clearly mean Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has vowed to personally get to the bottom of Carrie Prejean’s recent anti-gay activities. No, sorry, ‘bottom’ is an unfortunate choice of word. He’s vowed to bum it blind in a nightclub toilet. There, that’s better.

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Carrie Prejean: More Boobies & A Gormless Explanation

May 8th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You’re all going to have to get used to this. Miss California Carrie Prejean is the new Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Except without the sweet release of physical violence. Today: two pieces of Carrie Prejean news. Firstly, the naked Carrie Prejean photo that turned up this week is apparently one of many, and the rest are forthcoming. Secondly, Carrie Prejean apparently hates gay people because her mother constantly told her that her dad was gay while she was growing up.

Thirdly, this Carrie Prejean saga seems to have been written by a grossly incompetent TV movie scriptwriter. Fourthly, shut up.

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Interminable Miss California Kerfuffle: Now With Boobies

May 6th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Miss California Carrie Prejean hates gay marriage. That’s fine, people are allowed opinions. But this?

Oh Carrie Prejean, how could you? You’ve… you’ve… taken most of your clothes off. In the past. We’re offended. Harbouring old-fashioned and illogical attitudes towards homosexual unions is one thing, but showing a photographer what your bottom and two-thirds of the side of one of your naked boobs looks like? You’ve broken our heart, Carrie Prejean.

Obviously the timely leak of the Carrie Prejean naked photos prove an important point. Or a point. Or no point. We stopped caring about this a month ago.

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