Carrie Prejean - HecklerSpray

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: And The Tits Just Keep On Coming

November 16th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking – it’s just like a Hollywood movie.

Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it’s emerged that Carrie Prejean didn’t simply make one sex tape – she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too.

It just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? Maybe tomorrow we’ll hear that Carrie Prejean isn’t an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: But What Does Donald Trump Think?

November 13th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you’re new to this, here’s a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King.

Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word ‘inappropriate’ and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it’s become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey’s matted stab wound. That’s right, we need Donald Trump.

And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone’s constantly paying attention to him, he’s obliged. Hooray.

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Starring A Fully Adult Carrie, Apparently

November 12th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Want to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape? Tough, because Carrie was a teenager when she made it, so you’re a pervert.

You make us sick. Seriously, stop being so creepy. Carrie Prejean was just doing what all teenage girls do – she was simply exploring her sexuality. With her bare hands. On video. While she probably licked her lips and repeatedly mentioned what a bad girl she’d been. Who’d watch something as sick as that? You? Ugh, you disgusting pervert. Carrie Prejean was a teenager when she made it. A teenager!

Except that might not be the case. Carrie Prejean’s ex-boyfriend says that Carrie was actually 20 when she made the sex tape, and that she’s doing everything she can to lie about it.

Carrie Prejean Ashamed About Sex Tape, For Some Reason

November 10th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This Carrie Prejean sex tape has put the cat among the pigeons. By ‘cat’ we obviously mean ‘oddly fluorescent bigot’.

And by ‘pigeons’ we mean ‘sex tapes’. That’s not a very good analogy, is it? Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Carrie Prejean has finally confirmed the existence of the sex tape that recently scuppered her plan to sue the Miss California organisers for a million dollars.

What’s more, Carrie Prejean says that making the sex tape was the worst mistake of her life. And considering her narrow-minded views on homosexuality, wonky tits, bright orange skin and unnecessarily large hair, that must be one massive mistake. Dirty.

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Literally No Takers Whatsoever

November 6th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what’s hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?

Nothing, that’s what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!” and “Sink the pink, don’t down the brown!” to herself – doesn’t half give us the ruddy horn.

But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.

There’s A Carrie Prejean Sex Tape, You Say? Goodness

November 5th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we’ll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she’s had this year alone.

She’s been a beauty queen. She’s been a noted anti-gay activist. She’s starred in commercials. She’s written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we’ve ever read. And now she’s a porn star, too. Sort of.

You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it’s all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn’t hit the internet yet, but it’s supposed to be brilliant – we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.

Hey World! Carrie Prejean Is Desperate For Your Attention Again! Ugh!

September 1st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Since Carrie Prejean vanished, we’ve been forced to choose between pretty girls being nice or ugly girls being awful.

But now Carrie Prejean is back! We can have a pretty girl being awful again! Hooray! This time Carrie Prejean has decided to be awful by suing the Miss USA organisers, claiming that they fired her because of her crackpot anti-gay beliefs instead of not doing anything she was told to.

Carrie Prejean is suing for an undisclosed amount and – on the off-chance that she’ll spend it all on a house far away from all of humanity – we hope she wins.

Carrie Prejean’s Furious Emails Are PRICELESS

June 12th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Steady yourselves. We’ve got some big news. Ready? Get this – there’s a beauty queen with quite a high opinion of herself.

Alright, that’s not news – everybody knows that if you put a beauty queen anywhere near any reflective surface she’ll probably try to dry-hump it. But when the beauty queen in question is recently-ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean, and the high opinion of herself manifests itself in a string of berserk, illiterate emails to the Miss California director, then it’s news.

OK, it’s not news either. But it means we can make fun of Carrie Prejean, and that’s always hilarious.

Carrie Prejean Gets The Boot For Being A Terrible Person

June 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Do you like models? Do you like Christians? Do you like people who are both of those things and never ever shut up about it?

You do? You’re in for a treat – Carrie Prejean is back in the news! Notice that we didn’t refer to her as ‘Miss California Carrie Prejean’, by the way. That’s because she’s not Miss California any more – Donald Trump has just belatedly given her the boot.

Depending on who you listen to, Carrie Prejean was sacked for any number of reasons – but let’s just save time and say it’s because she’s a genuinely unlovable turdswan.

Cynthia Nixon Gets Engaged! To A WOMAN!

May 18th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Thanks a lot Carrie Prejean. You’ve spent the last month blathering on about gay marriage and look at the consequences.

The main consequence is that we’ve been forced to remember that Cynthia Nixon exists. Cynthia Nixon, the ginger one off Sex And The City famous for being a) a lesbian and b) not even in anybody’s list of top five Sex And The City characters, has got engaged to her girlfriend.

See? Even Sex And The City stars can have same-sex marriages. Except Sarah Jessica Parker – it’s so hard to find a mutant horse/woman hybrid who isn’t married these days.