But now Paul McCartney has dreamt up a brand new way to make even the most ardent Beatles fan drop to their knees and scream “Stop it! Stop punching it! It’s already dead!” at him – he’s going to release the never-before-heard, experimental 14-minute Beatles track Carnival Of Light.

Carnival Of Light is, of course, probably most famous for being just about the only Beatles track to not be included on The Beatles Anthology because George Harrison and Ringo Starr thought it was rubbish. And look at some of the stuff Ringo Starr has released – he’s essentially saying that Carnival Of Light is even worse than Snookeroo.

The Beatles all had their own individual ways of making people dislike them. John Lennon had Yoko Ono, Ringo Starr had his obnoxious refusal to sign autographs and George Harrison had Got My Mind Set On You. But Paul McCartney has really put the effort in, turning people off by going over and above in his efforts to rape the carcass of The Beatles harder than anyone else thought possible.

We thought that Paul McCartney had already reached the bottom of the barrel – what with Rock Band: The Beatles, the horrible Love mash-up album and Let It Be Naked, a nightmarish ‘What The Beatles Would Be Like If Paul McCartney Had His Way’ vision to which the only logical conclusion is a Paul McCartney’s Greatest Hits Of The Beatles album that contains Maxwell’s Silver Hammer 13 times in a row and a version of Love Me Do without any mouth organ on it – but we were wrong.

And that’s because Paul McCartney has decided to release Carnival Of Light – an experimental Beatles track from 1967 that goes on for 14 minutes and is presumably unreleased because it’s a pile of unlistenable self-indulgent twaddle. But anyway, The Observer reports:

The track, a jumble of shrieks and psychedelic effects, is said to be as far from the melodic ballads that made Sir Paul McCartney famous as it is possible to imagine. But now McCartney has said that the public will have the chance to judge for themselves. ‘It does exist,’ McCartney says. The former Beatle confirms that he still has a master tape of the work and says he suspects that ‘the time has come for it to get its moment’.

We’ve decoded that last sentence in the hecklerspray labs, and we’ve figured out that it actually means “Heather Mills took so much of my money that I’m prepared to release anything, even a drug-blattered tuneless dirge from 41 years ago that lasts for half an episode of EastEnders, so long as I can get some of my beautiful, beautiful money back.”

But who knows how Carnival Of Light will be released. Will it be included on a new album of Beatles rarities? Will it be released as a standalone download? Or will it be renamed See John Lennon? See? I Came Up With This A Year Before Revolution 9 And You Still Get Called The Arty One! I’m The Arty Beatle! This Is So Arty That Nobody Will Ever Listen To It All The Way Through More Than Once. So Shove That Up Your Arse You Dead Idiot? Nobody can really say for sure.

But it’ll definitely be the last one.