Depending on how clued up you are, some of you may not be aware of the works of Carla Bruni.

The weekly gossip-mongers reading this may struggle to remember what terrible film remake she appeared in, or which dairy product chose her as the spokesperson for its cheese slice range. Sick of guessing? We’ll let you out of your misery. Sadly, Carla Bruni isn’t the reserve member of Girls Aloud when the ginger one falls over in sunlight.

In fact, she is none other than the wife of French prime minister Nicolas Sarkozy. Fancy us talking about someone all big and important! It does make a change from telling you what colour Katie Price’s hair is. But politics is boring we hear you cry, and your inner xenophobe will be angry that we’re mentioning the French. So what gives? What’s the big deal? Well, back in 1996 when TV wasn’t constant reality programming, Carla Bruni appeared on Channel 4’s Eurotrash. Something she probably forgot about until now.

Eurotrash is now sadly missing from our screens, and for many it was an institution. Granted it might not have been for its cultural representations of European countries and hard-hitting reportage. Instead, it gave many a teenage boy his first look at a naked lady that wasn’t his mum. Sneaking downstairs when everyone has gone to bed, the volume could have been switched to mute as glazed eyes and dribbled chins watched a topless Italian jumping around on a trampoline.

So where does an apparently sophisticated politician’s wife come into this? Well, we have to go all the way back to 1996 when rave and Britpop was all the range and England had made an arse of Euro 96, something that they’ll repeat later this summer. During one episode, a young Carla Bruni appeared. Now to stop France from suing us, we must emphasise that she didn’t get her boobs out like most of the other ladies on the show – if you can call them that.

The Daily Mirror has been able to get access to the tape which has now been pulled from the internet. Originally, it was posted by the programme’s producer Thomas Cazals. But due to all sorts of red tape complications, we can’t link you to the click or lazily embed it in this post. It’s reported she discussed an international sex phrase book – something that every travel agent recommends you pack. On the show, Carla explained:

“We need this kind of book because we’re travelling the world and meeting new people every day. We must know what to tell them in case we get in bed with them. For example if you have a German person and you want to tell them ‘You get me very hot’, you say ‘Sie erhalten mich sehr heiss’.”

If Carla needed to say the same to French or an Italian person, then things would be different and you’d need to say: “Tu me rends très chaud” or “Mi fai stare molto caldo“. Because we don’t speak any of those languages, we’d like to test the authenticity. So if any pupils brave enough to try them out on their teacher, we wish them well.

With such a high-profile former guest, we wonder if Eurotrash could be brought back to feature other woman of social greatness. Despite no-one wanting to really watch her, royal disgrace Fergie would be an excellent choice. It’s not like she’s desperate for money or anything.

Basically, it would be Babestation for posh people as she strips out of a tweed bikini and rubs swan pie over herself.

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There’s nothing we like more than a best-dressed list – apart from, ooh, everything else is the world that isn’t a best-dressed list.

So imagine our delight when we discovered that Vanity Fair has just published its international best-dressed list for 2008. A big list of people who are primarily best-known for being able to buy, choose and wear clothes without ending up looking like big a pile of sweaty bumrags? Who wouldn’t love that!

Especially when the Vanity Fair best-dressed list contains such notable names from the world of entertainment as three-time Academy Award-winner Barack Obama’s wife, multi-platinum recording artist Prince William’s girlfriend and regional puppy-juggling contest semi-finalist Nicolas Sarkozy’s missus. Boy, do they know how to wear clothes adequately.

We never thought we’d ever say this – and we’d happily take a slap on the cheek from any of you for saying it – but don’t you miss Kate Moss?

No, us neither most neither most of the time to be honest. But now that Kate Moss has been usurped as supermodel du jour by that funny-looking Agyness woman, it makes things a lot more uncertain when best-dressed lists rolled around.

Time was when you knew that Kate Moss would be named as the world’s best-dressed woman no matter what magazine was publishing the list. But she’s not around so much any more, so who else is there to call best-dressed?

Michelle Obama, apparently. According to the just-out Vanity Fair best-dressed list, Barack Obama’s wife Michelle literally wears clothes better than anyone else on the face of the earth. Forget lobbying for universal healthcare, it’s deeply important that potential first ladies know which way up a blouse goes.

Anyway, why did Vanity Fair call Michelle Obama the best-dressed person in the world?

“Because she’s our commander in sheath.”

What? Seriously, that’s your reason? Because she’s your commander in sheath? What does that even mean? Isn’t a sheath a condom? You like Michelle Obama because she wears condoms? That’s such an odd thing to say, Vanity Fair.

But never mind. You like Michelle Obama because sometimes she walks around in giant person-sized condoms. That’s fine. Who else is on the list? Carla Bruni? Why is she there?

“Because we like her French twist.”

OK, we sort of get it. She is French, after all. You’re forgiven, Vanity Fair. Who else? Kate Middleton?

“Because we’re throwing her hats in the ring.”

You’re what? What ring? Does Kate Middleton wear a lot of hats? Is she famous for that? Why are you throwing her hats into the ring? Because you like them or because you don’t like them? You need to explain yourself a bit better, Vanity Fair. But, hey, at least you put some thought into your reasoning. It’s not like you just rattled off the first rubbish pun based on her name that you could think of. That’d be awful, it really would. Wait, what’s this?

BROTHERS ANDREA and PIETRO CLEMENTE “Because they’re the crème de Clemente.”

MORLEY SAFER “Because he always plays it Safer.”

IRIS APFEL “Because she’s the Apfel of our eye.”

SISTERS ALEXANDRA KOTUR and FIONA KOTUR MARIN “Because they’re Koturs de force.”

BRYAN LOURD “Because he is the Lourd of the manner.”

Oh fuck off, Vanity Fair. Just fuck off.