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Keanu Reeves Didn’t Run Over No Stinking Paparazzi

by Stuart Heritage

Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of jiggling around flashing lights into Keanu Reeves’ face as he attempts to drive a car.

But we’ve been too scared to do that, because of that paparazzo who claimed that Keanu Reeves mercilessly mowed him down while he was doing that exact same thing. But our days of worry are far behind us, readers – Keanu Reeves has been cleared of liability over the accident.

You know what that means? It means that Keanu Reeves didn’t run over photographer Alison Silva last year, yes, but mainly it means that we’re all allowed to be as infuriatingly intrusive towards Keanu Reeves while he’s in his car as we like, and he almost certainly won’t drive into us as fast as he can, shattering our pelvis into a million pieces. Almost certainly. Result!

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Shia LaBeouf Far Too Adorable To Be Charged With DUI

by Stuart Heritage

Wow, this really is a lucky escape for Shia LaBeouf – every single copy of his bad new movie Eagle Eye has been destroyed in a fire.

Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

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Katie Price Maintains Her Classy, Unblemished Image

by Matthew Laidlow

When Americans think of ‘classiness’, they pretty much think of Britain’s beloved Royal family. Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter.

Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples”, you’ll get “earrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?”

Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.

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Drew Barrymore Chases Driver Who Rammed Her Car, Kills Him. Doesn’t Kill Him.

by Shawn Lindseth

As Jeremy Thomas, Tom Green, Jane Pratt, Fabrizio Moretti & the people in charge of food on the set of Music & Lyrics might tell you, Drew Barrymore’s bad side is not a place you want to be.

Justin Long might tell you that too, but give him a week or so. And why don’t you want to incur her anger? because if you do she’ll chase you down, pounce on your right shoulder and suck your heart out through a hole she bites in the back of your neck.

That was actually a recurring dream we had for most of the sixth grade. We still can’t watch her films without trembling. Another person who will probably never be able to stand the sight of her again (especially enlarged like that on the silver screen), is the guy that just made her the victim of a hit and run.

He didn’t get away. She chased him in her car at speeds in excess of 35 mph.

Hey – we’re serious here.

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Britney Spears In Yet Another Godforsaken Car Crash

by Stuart Heritage

Looks like this is the week for Britney Spears to revisit her old tricks.

First Britney Spears sauntered back onto the set of How I Met Your Mother for her much-heralded follow-up cameo and now she’s started crashing her car again with all the wild abandon you’d expect from a recovering psychiatric patient who’s too unfit to look after her own children.

It’s been reported that Britney Spears yesterday ploughed her Mercedes into the back of another woman’s car near Sunset Boulevard. Nobody was hurt in the crash, but we should all be aware of the wider implications of this; if Britney Spears really is revisiting her old tricks then everyone needs to take cover right away before she starts waggling her grotty oldflim-flam around all willy-nilly again.

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Sandra Bullock Still Making Rubbish-Looking Film Despite Crash

by Stuart Heritage

Few of us can imagine the horror of not being injured in a laughably minor car crash with a 20mph drunkard, but Sandra Bullock is obviously special.

And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night’s accident, because every time she closes her eyes she’s presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy ladymanoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she’s not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal.

Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.

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James Bond Knackers His Car In A Lake

by Stuart Heritage

Don’t worry if you can’t stand the fact that the new James Bond movie is called A Quantum Of Solace – turns out that God’s not such a fan of it either.

That’s because, just a few weeks after a crazy South American mayor drove his car through a set during filming in a vicious rage, a James Bond stuntman has accidentally plunged a £120,000 Aston Martin off a road into a massive Italian lake and knackered the bastard to pieces.

What’s more, it’s been reported that the Aston Martin was the only one available to the crew for the film. That leaves A Quantum Of Solace in a bit of a quandary – it could shell out for a new one at huge expense to the movie, or it could patch together a workaround. Which isn’t too bad, because frankly we’ve waited too long to see 007 bring down SPECTRE with aSegway, some rollerblades, an Oyster card and a hotwired forklift truck.

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Johnny Depp: A Great Big Bloody Hero

by Stuart Heritage

History says that Johnny Depp is good at only two things: dressing like a blind man in a rag factory and running around in a funny way dressed up like a pirate.

But now it looks like we can add a third thing to the list of things Johnny Depp excels at – actually saving people’s lives from certain death. It’s been reported that Johnny Depp saved the lives of six extras on the set of his new movie recently by diving at them, pushing them clear of an out-of-control stunt car heading in their direction.

Which, if true, is actually quite nice. Brave even. Which is hardly very helpful for those of us who have to be rude about famous people for a living. Johnny Depp, eh? What a titting bastard.

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Jerry Seinfeld Flips His Car, Creepy Smugness Intact

by Stuart Heritage

You might have wished death on Jerry Seinfeld after Bee Movie, but it didn’t work – Jerry Seinfeld is even more invincible than car crashes now.

It’s emerged that Jerry Seinfeld was in a terrifying-sounding car accident last weekend in The Hamptons when his brakes gave out and, in trying to prevent a more serious accident, he flipped his vehicle.

Miraculously, Jerry Seinfeld emerged from the crash completely unscathed – something that’s being put down to either remarkable fortune, the quick-thinking of Seinfeld himself or the cushioning effect of the 45 pillowcases stuffed with high-denomination banknotes that Jerry Seinfeld always keeps on him as small change.

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Miley Cyrus Finally Does Something Naughty

by Stuart Heritage

What with all the naked pictures and teenage pregnancies, the world of children’s TV has never resembled a grubby diseased whore-pit more closely than now.

But one name has managed to rise above all the trouble like some sort of wonderful teenage angel from heaven – Miley Cyrus. But not any more.

Fans have caught Miley Cyrus doing something so disgusting, so downright immoral and depraved and – yes, we’ll say it – evil that it’s left her army of adoring supporters reeling in horror. That’s right – someone saw Miley Cyrus riding in the back of a car without a seatbelt on. No, that’s not a euphemism for unprotected sex – Miley Cyrus actually didn’t wear a seatbelt in the back of a car once. What a bitch.

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