Surely that last bit confused you – we’re talking about the various bomb configurations Top Model management always forces their contestants to run from. As we understand it, this is an excellent way to tell if they’re still photogenic while they think they’re going to die.

Take their recent bomb scare, for instance – it happened at a casting call, and let us tell you – most of those girls seemed very un-poised.

America’s Next Top Model has a very special season planned. No, no – they’re not going to give another poor contestant a super expensive sex change. That’s been done. This season they’re gonna focus on girls who aren’t freakishly tall and long in the face. This decision, giving hope to normal-heighted stupid girls all over the world,  brought scores of them to New York City for a chance to audition for a spot on the show.

One of the girls isn’t stupid though – she brought a bomb with her. And as we understand it she was going to use said bomb if her audition didn’t go just right. That’s not true at all.

There was a big bomb scare though – it sent women full throttle in the opposite direction. The Daily Express has the scoop:

“Chaos broke out when people shouted “fire” and “there’s a bomb” as a car billowing smoke pulled up alongside the contestants, according to witnesses. The panic escalated when a man leapt from a car and began grabbing the women’s handbags…. The street outside the auditions in Manhattan, New York, was left littered with chairs and sleeping bags as the screaming women fled from the area. Kiara McCarthy, caught up in the stampede, said: “The metal barricade fell down. All of a sudden we heard this roar from behind us and there’s a wave of people falling on top of us.”"

The car was just overheating – but that didn’t stop the stampede. Later, NYPD officers tried to round the women back up with sheep dogs and rope, but they were still too spooked.

Most of the billowing women eventually gathered around a pond in Central Park, probably because all that running left them dehydrated and they needed something to lap up.

Anyway – want to see the Top Model madness for yourself?

Why, of course you do:

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

If that were the case, we’d follow him alright – but still only if he looked kinda like he was walking with his knees hinged together. He’d never know we were tailing him though – because we have three different disguises to choose from. Two of them are Russian themed, and the third is a girl-Bugs Bunny.

Not everybody is so stealthy – like the paparazzo who stuck a tracking device on Cowell’s undercarriage.

American Idol judges could be a fascinating study into the celebrity psyche, mostly because they keep surrounding themselves with hundreds of dead bodies and hecklerspray wants to know why. We think it’s probably got something to do with corpses filling in nicely as a very gumby-like furniture if you get them in your living room just before rigamortis sets in.

Someone thinks the daily ins and outs of the American Idol judges are even more interesting than we do – interesting enough to actually plant a bug on Simon Cowell’s car. They also bugged Randy Jackson’s stomach staples, but that signal has just got too much dense matter to fight through for anybody to get decent reception off it. Jackson’s ins and outs will remain his own, for the time being.

Cowell’s car really did get bugged though. We wouldn’t lie to you. See, looky here:

“Lawyers acting for The X Factor judge Simon Cowell have warned UK newspapers not to harass their client after a tracking device was allegedly found attached to his Rolls Royce last week. The presenter’s publicist, Max Clifford, told MediaGuardian.co.uk that “enough is enough”. According to Clifford, the use of a tracking device is illegal and could lead to prosecution.”

Thank you, Guardian. The tracking device is gone, no doubt, but probably not before it let the world know that on weekdays he prefers to take his breakfast in the back room of a dilapidated Chuck E Cheese.

Really though, if the guy who planted it has GPS coordinates of any sort he should really make them public. People would probably pay money to Google Earth Cowell’s typical Tuesday morning rituals and what-not. They’d be all “There’s Simon slowly driving to his mail box! Oh – and there he is reversing back to his front porch. Lookit – Ruben Studdard is mowing his lawn! Mow in straighter lines, Ruben! Mow in straighter lines!”

Seriously, that’s a real money maker right there. Lets make that info public.

But we’ve been too scared to do that, because of that paparazzo who claimed that Keanu Reeves mercilessly mowed him down while he was doing that exact same thing. But our days of worry are far behind us, readers – Keanu Reeves has been cleared of liability over the accident.

You know what that means? It means that Keanu Reeves didn’t run over photographer Alison Silva last year, yes, but mainly it means that we’re all allowed to be as infuriatingly intrusive towards Keanu Reeves while he’s in his car as we like, and he almost certainly won’t drive into us as fast as he can, shattering our pelvis into a million pieces. Almost certainly. Result!

It’s best to think of the paparazzi as big game hunters. That way you’ll realise that Lindsay Lohan is a common prey, like a slurring elk that hardly ever wears knickers, while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are more like elephants because they’re massive and they’ll quite often attack anyone who gets too close to them.

And then there’s Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves is more like a mountain lion, for two reasons. One, he’s slippery and hard to track down and, two, he’s never knowingly displayed a recognisable human emotion. But let’s concentrate on the first one for the time being.

Because Keanu Reeves deliberately shuns the limelight as much as possible, the paparazzi can often find themselves getting over-excited in his presence. That’s what happened to photographer Alison Silva last year, when he attempted to grab a picture of Keanu Reeves in his car and ended up splattered across the tarmac.

At the time Silva claimed that Keanu Reeves had run him over, while Reeves himself said that Silva fell over of his own accord because he was so busy over-zealously clicking away into his little camera. With a depressing amount of inevitability the argument went to court, with Silva demanding $640,800 for medical bills and loss of earnings.

But yesterday Keanu Reeves was cleared of any liability in the accident, which means that Alison Silva can go and shove his loss of earnings up his tarmac-destroyed bottom. Reuters reports:

Actor Keanu Reeves was cleared on Monday of any liability for injuries a paparazzo claimed he suffered when he was struck by the actor’s car. A Los Angeles jury deliberated for about an hour in the civil lawsuit brought by photographer Alison Silva against the “Matrix” star before clearing Reeves.

Keanu Reeves hasn’t commented on the result of the case yet, and he really doesn’t need to, because just about everyone on the planet will assume that he’d just blanky murmur “woah,” and that’s probably about three or four times as eloquent as whatever he was planning to say anyway.

And, in time, Alison Silva will come to appreciate the fact that he lost his case. After all, had he won, Keanu Reeves would have taken on more work to recoup his losses, and we’re pretty sure that knowing you were ultimately responsible for Johnny Mneumonic 2 would be far more painful than the injuries you picked up slowly falling over in front of Keanu Reeves’ car.

Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

Although he was recently arrested for flipping his truck over while possibly drunk, it’s important to remember that Shia LaBeouf is still only three years old.

And, as such, he’s very easily led. For example, right before the crash, Shia LaBeouf had been working on Transformers 2. When you take that into consideration, it’s no wonder he smashed his vehicle to pieces in the middle of the night – he probably though it was about to turn into a Decepticon and eat him for its dinner.

At least that’s what we’re assuming the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has decided, anyway, because it has chosen not to press DUI charges against Shia LaBeouf. The official reason? Insufficient evidence. The unofficial reason that we all know is true anyway? Because Shia LaBeouf is so cute and adorable that you just want to pick him up, wrap him in a hankie, put him in your pocket, take him home and keep him in a matchbox stuffed with cotton wool.

But Shia LaBeouf shouldn’t celebrate this news too soon. Partly because his definition of ‘celebrating’ seems like it might involve getting shitfaced and losing control of his car, but mainly because he still might lose his licence anyway. E! Online reports:

“When a person refuses to have a blood alcohol test it is an automatic suspension under the Department of Motor Vehicle regulations,” L.A. Sheriff’s Department spokesman Officer Steve Whitmore told E! News. “That is why the hearing is tomorrow is because he refused to have a blood alcohol test. It’s an automatic suspension.”

It’s unfortunate that Shia LaBeouf might lose his driving licence. We’re not saying that he doesn’t deserve to be punished for refusing a blood alcohol test, we’re just saying his gnarled stump of an injured hand is probably enough punishment. Because, face it, from now on every time Shia LaBeouf looks at that flappy lump of pointlessness hanging from his wrist like a latex bag stuffed with chicken carcasses, he’ll be forced to remember that fateful night and the events that led to it.

Oh, OK, we’ll admit it. We’re just bitter because Shia LaBeouf’s injuries mean he’ll never be able to run his fingers through our hair while feeding us strawberries under a parasol on a rowing boat in the springtime any more. We don’t think we’ll ever smile again.

Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter.

Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples?” you’ll get “Eearrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?”

Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.

Does it come as any surprise really that Jordan, a woman who used to get her knockers out for a living could do such a degrading act as shagging in public? To us, no, but to the army of teeny fans, maybe. Katie and Peter will probably make up some excuses, such as:

1 – Peter was just doing some push ups in the car because he knew he didn’t have time to go to the gym later.

2 – They both wanted to see how springy the seats were. If they tried really hard, they could smash through the roof!

3 – It’s a new fetish of theirs to penetrate each other in a vehicle. So far a deep sea fishing trawler, a combine harvester and Nazi warplane have been scratched off the list.

Whatever the case, Katie Price and Peter Andre were recently caught going at it in a car by some members of the public, who probably hoped for a bit of sly dogging action on the side. A rather flushed Katie Price said:

“We’d just parked up when I thought it’d be fun to climb into the back of our car for a bit. We have blacked-out windows so as far as I was concerned no one could see what we were up to.”

What’s next for Katie Price, then? After this latest drama, we expect a 157-page book complete with glossy photos to tell us all about this chapter of her life. We’ll get the version of events from her, Peter and her stupidly named children.

Time doesn’t stand still for Katie and no doubt they’ll be a follow-up to that book entitled Katie & Peter: When Car Loving Goes Bad by Christmas. This hardback 246-page book will tell us about how they can never enter a car again without feeling trapped, horrified and stared at.

We would have been more impressed if they’d been caught rogering each other on the back of a motorbike on the A69. With skills like that, they could end up on Britain’s Got Talent. Or a shit celebrity spin-off version that hasn’t been commissioned yet. George Sampson and Gin the dog couldn’t do that, could they? At least not together anyway.

Justin Long might tell you that too, but give him a week or so. And why don’t you want to incur her anger? because if you do she’ll chase you down, pounce on your right shoulder and suck your heart out through a hole she bites in the back of your neck.

That was actually a recurring dream we had for most of the sixth grade. We still can’t watch her films without trembling. Another person who will probably never be able to stand the sight of her again (especially enlarged like that on the silver screen), is the guy that just made her the victim of a hit and run.

He didn’t get away. She chased him in her car at speeds in excess of 35 mph.

Hey – we’re serious here.

When Drew Barrymore is out for a drive, she likes to do so with whimsical music seeping out her car speakers while sniffing the wig she once put on ET. It smells cinnamony we bet.

That’s not a fact mind you – but if we were her then 90% of the things we ever did would revolve around props from that set. For instance our living-room chairs would all be bike baskets. We have all this planned in case we’re ever trapped in a situation extremely close to the plot of Oh, God! You Devil. You never know.

What Barrymore doesn’t like when she’s out driving is four tons of steel getting violently rammed up her rear end. Of her car. That happened recently – she was out driving when karma finally caught up to her for stealing Tom Green’s good testicle. Give that back and maybe your car will be magically repaired, Drew.

But the actress prefers to rely on her insurance company rather than fate, so when a car rammed her from behind, she sped after it with the most violent of intentions. And by that we mean she wanted to write down the offender’s license plate number – in blood! We mean in ink!

TMZ, please inform:

“Drew Barrymore was the victim of a hit and run yesterday — but she may have gotten enough info so cops can catch the guy…Barrymore was driving in West Hollywood just before noon yesterday when she was rear-ended… Barrymore followed the driver after he fled the scene, but eventually lost track of the car. Never fear, though, law enforcement sources tell TMZ she got the license plate number of the car and they are investigating.”

Witnesses tell us that if Barrymore took her car off any wicked awesome jumps in the chase, and maybe landed her car right on top of the other guy’s vehicle pinning him between her two driver’s side tires, nobody saw it.

But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Read More:

Move Over, Batman. We Got Barrymore – E! Online

First Britney Spears sauntered back onto the set of How I Met Your Mother for her much-heralded follow-up cameo and now she’s started crashing her car again with all the wild abandon you’d expect from a recovering psychiatric patient who’s too unfit to look after her own children.

It’s been reported that Britney Spears yesterday ploughed her Mercedes into the back of another woman’s car near Sunset Boulevard. Nobody was hurt in the crash, but we should all be aware of the wider implications of this; if Britney Spears really is revisiting her old tricks then everyone needs to take cover right away before she starts waggling her grotty old flim-flam around all willy-nilly again.

Funny how things work out isn’t it? Britney Spears is apparently too mentally unwell to look after her own children, but fine to drive a car. Tiny pink squidgy babies that couldn’t do much damage if they bumped into anything at 30mph vs a giant clump of speeding metal. We certainly feel safer knowing that Britney is allowed near one and not the other.

Britney Spears has crashed her car so often in the past that she could write a book about it, if only she could read or write. Or knew what a book was. Or wasn’t so medically unstable that stabbing herself in the eye with a pen nib was a genuine concern. Aside from all that, though, Britney’s a flipping expert.

We literally don’t have room to list all the ways that Britney Spears has managed to crash her car in recent years, but rest assured there have been hit and runs and slow moving almost-shunts and one time where Britney was driving an umbrella and she kept accidentally reversing it into the same car again and again and it made her so angry that she started crying and getting all angry and her brain went a bit wrong. And now it appears that Britney Spears is at it again.

Yesterday Britney Spears was apparently let out of her father’s clutches for enough time to go for a pootle around Los Angeles. Specifically a pootle into the back of another woman’s car. E! Online reports:

Spears was tooling around Sunset Boulevard in Beverly Hills in her convertible Mercedes SL when she rear-ended a red 1998 Ford Explorer at about 2 p.m. Sources tell E! News that Spears’ bodyguard jumped out to talk down the other motorist, and the “Toxic” songbird hopped into the passenger seat, just as she did last month when she was involved in a similar fender-bender on Los Angeles’ 101 Freeway.

The driver rear-ended by Britney Spears – a woman named Edith Cortese – was then taken back to Britney’s house to swap information, citing all the photographers present at the scene of the crash. We’re not sure exactly what happened at the Spears house, but if our suspicions are correct it probably involved some sort of lesbian sex fumble in the swimming pool. Or a sober exchange of insurance details. Does it really matter which?

Anyway, the point is that Britney Spears keeps driving her car in a variety of dangerous and irresponsible ways seemingly without a care for other road users. It’s just like the old days, in fact. Britney’s getting better! Yay!

Read more:

Britney’s Latest Smash Hit! – E! Online

And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night’s accident, because every time she closes her eyes she’s presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy lady manoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she’s not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal.

Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.

If we were Sandra Bullock then a) we’d have locked ourselves in the cellar after the release of Practical Magic and hidden there until we’d been promised that all copies of it had been destroyed, and b) we’d probably investigate local public transport routes a little more thoroughly.

Cars, you see, are a massive problem for Sandra Bullock. If she steps outside her house then a crazy stalker will try to run her husband over in one, and if she actually ever gets to drive one then that’s a recipe for disaster as well.

As you probably know, on Saturday night Sandra Bullock got into a car accident with a drunk woman who almost killed everyone by gently bumping into the side of Sandra Bullock’s car at 20mph.

We can’t help thinking that in many ways Sandra Bullock was asking for it, you know – films of hers include Crash and Speed, and if that isn’t a direct challenge to destiny, then we don’t know what is. Similarly, in the future Sandra Bullock should also be careful of lake houses, nets, demolition men and ya-ya sisterhoods, because they’re all probably out to get her as well.

But that’s beside the point – Sandra Bullock was in quite a lame car crash, but it won’t halt the filming of her new movie The Proposal, according to The Boston Herald:

Producers haven’t hit the brakes on shooting Sandra Bullock’s upcoming comedy “The Proposal” despite the actress’ frightening head-on “Crash” Saturday night in Gloucester with an alleged drunken driver. “She hasn’t been hurt so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t (continue filming),” the flick’s flack, Scott Levine, told the Track yesterday.

We think we speak for everyone here when we say thank heavens for that. It’s been far too long since a girl has guilted us into watching a piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy that’s nothing more than a cynical retread of the last piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy at the cinema.

Oh, how we’ve missed paying eight pounds to sit on a sticky cinema seat for a couple of hours watching an oddly-nosed woman grinding through the motions of a role she’s already played about 75 times in the past while we get more and more annoyed because we’ve realised that we could have spent those two hours doing something more productive like helping out in the local community, bettering ourselves through classical literature or staring listlessly at a single patch of carpet and scratching our balls.

So thank heavens. And thank you, alleged drunk driver, for not driving any faster than you did. But most of all, thank you Sandra Bullock for not even getting a tiny bit of bloody whiplash in your stupid neck or anything.

Read more:

Full Speed ahead for Bullock film – BH

That’s because, just a few weeks after a crazy South American mayor drove his car through a set during filming in a vicious rage, a James Bond stuntman has accidentally plunged a £120,000 Aston Martin off a road into a massive Italian lake and knackered the bastard to pieces.

What’s more, it’s been reported that the Aston Martin was the only one available to the crew for the film. That leaves A Quantum Of Solace in a bit of a quandary – it could shell out for a new one at huge expense to the movie, or it could patch together a workaround. Which isn’t too bad, because frankly we’ve waited too long to see 007 bring down SPECTRE with a Segway, some rollerblades, an Oyster card and a hotwired forklift truck.

Remember when James Bond films were easy to make? Pierce Brosnan got through four of them without arsing it all up, and Roger Moore made his 600 or so James Bond movies without exerting any more energy than it took to change safari jackets or arch an eyebrow during a filthy pun.

But Daniel Craig? Since Daniel Craig’s been James Bond, hardly a day has passed without something blowing up or breaking down or making everyone involved in the production look like a hopeless bunch of cack-handed spaz-clowns. During Casino Royale, filming started without a proper Bond girl or baddie, then the set burnt down and Daniel Criag couldn’t even fight a midget without getting his teeth punched out.

And things aren’t much better on the new James Bond movie, either. For starters the movie has the worst title imaginable, plus filming keeps getting interrupted by mental South American public officials who seem to want to run James Bond over for all kinds of nondescript reasons. And now the only Aston Martin that A Quantum Of Solace had has skidded off a road into Italy’s Lake Garda, writing the thing off, as The Telegraph reports:

A stunt driver was on his way to deliver the £120,000 sportscar to the set of Quantum of Solace when he drove off a narrow bend in heavy rain, producers said. Italian television showed the car – reportedly the only one available for the film – being fished from the lake after the accident in the early hours of Saturday morning. Producers said the driver, who suffered only minor bruises, was quickly rescued by firemen and taken to hospital.

Although it’s fortunate that the driver wasn’t more seriously injured in the crash, the accident should be enough of a warning for everyone involved with James Bond to see that the whole franchise is cursed. Really, everyone should pack up and go home now before Daniel Craig’s head explodes or a monkey bites off one of Gemma Arterton’s feet or Judi Dench shits herself.

OK, we’re only saying that because we’re scared that the James Bond producers will pull the old ‘invisible car’ scam again now that their only Aston Martin’s been knackered, and frankly we’d rather watch two hours of baby torture than that. But the point still stands.

Read more:

James Bond’s Aston Martin crashes into lake – Telegraph

But now it looks like we can add a third thing to the list of things Johnny Depp excels at – actually saving people's lives from certain death. It's been reported that Johnny Depp saved the lives of six extras on the set of his new movie recently by diving at them, pushing them clear of an out-of-control stunt car heading in their direction.

Which, if true, is actually quite nice. Brave even. Which is hardly very helpful for those of us who have to be rude about famous people for a living. Johnny Depp, eh? What a titting bastard.

Right now Johnny Depp is filming Public Enemies, a movie about 1930s American gangsters and the birth of the FBI. And – in news which will come as a shock to Johnny Depp's many Pirates Of The Caribbean fans – it looks as if there won't be any furious mugging on his part to make up for the fact that it's three hours long, contains no story whatsoever and co-stars a young British man who's about as charismatic as soggy dust.

But what Public Enemies will contain is six extras, all with fully-working limbs and sets of ribs that haven't been shattered into splinters by speeding period cars. And we've got Johnny Depp to thank for that.

According to reports from the set of Public Enemies, Johnny Depp saved the lives of the aforementioned extras by flinging himself at them as a runaway car sped towards them. You know, like a superhero would. eFluxMedia reports:

The 44-year-old actor was shooting a scene as bank robber John Dillinger when a stunt-driver in a 1933 Ford car sped onto a patch of ice and lost control of the vehicle. The car skidded towards the group of extras, who were standing with their backs turned and were oblivious to the imminent danger. Depp noticed the accident that was about to happen and acted. An eyewitness told News of the World: “Johnny slammed into the group with arms outspread, shoving them all back.” 

That's one for the DVD extras, then. If this report is true – and not a hopelessly-inflated publicist-informed exaggeration designed to draw attention to the movie, then Johnny Depp should truly be congratulated. He's good at writing his own name and risking his life to save the innocent? People can usually either only do one or the other. 

But, as honestly heartwarming as all of this is, it still leaves us in the pickle of trying to work some pithiness into affairs. The only option really left to us is to make up a lie, either about Johnny Depp slowing the stunt car down by throwing a baby under the wheels  or to make a crack about how he looks. Wait, we'll flip a coin…

God, Johnny Depp sometimes grows a really stupid-looking beard.

Yeah, that'll do.

Read more:

Johnny Depp Saves Extras' Lives – eFluxMedia 

It's emerged that Jerry Seinfeld was in a terrifying-sounding car accident last weekend in The Hamptons when his brakes gave out and, in trying to prevent a more serious accident, he flipped his vehicle. 

Miraculously, Jerry Seinfeld emerged from the crash completely unscathed – something that's being put down to either remarkable fortune, the quick-thinking of Seinfeld himself or the cushioning effect of the 45 pillowcases stuffed with high-denomination banknotes that Jerry Seinfeld always keeps on him as small change.

When a celebrity crashes their car it's usually only their fault. Sure, they'll blame the paparazzi whenever they can in the hope that they'll be able to glean a fragment of Princess Diana-style pity from the incident, but that tends not to disguise the fact that they were slammed off their shit on booze, talking into three telephones at once and wearing a Juicy Couture blindfold because they saw that bitch Kim Kardashian in the same thing a week before.

But sometimes, just sometimes, celebrity car crashes aren't a celebrity's fault. And that tends to be the case more often if you were in a successful 1990s American sitcom. Ellen Degeneres' crash was due to another driver and Jerry Seinfeld's recent crash was mostly due to his car being a lousy no-good piece of crap. 

That's right, Jerry Seinfeld crashed his car a few days ago. Well, maybe 'crashed' is a strong word. We meant 'flipped it over like a blimmin pancake'. Don't worry, though – Jerry Seinfeld doesn't need your pity. He came out of it totally unharmed, as E! Online reports:

Seinfeld was motoring by himself along Skimhampton Road in East Hampton when the harrowing accident occurred at about 7:40 p.m. Saturday. "The brakes went bad," East Hampton Police Chief Todd Sarris told the newspaper. "He had to pull the emergency brake." According to authorities, the 53-year-old comic's car was headed directly towards traffic on Montauk Highway when he lost control, forcing him to swerve drastically to the right to halt the 1967 Fiat BTM's momentum. The two-door sedan reportedly rolled over onto its passenger side, then the roof, before coming to rest just several feet shy of the other vehicles at an intersection on the driver's side.

It sounds like a rare combination of luck and good judgement came into play for Jerry Seinfeld on Saturday – if the circumstances were even slightly different then he could have been seriously injured or worse. Unless, you know, the circumstance that changed was that his brakes were OK. This'd be quite a dull story if that were the case.

But it just goes to show, you can be as rich, as famous or as mullety as you like, but brakes can go bad on anyone. It was just an extremely unlucky accident, that all, nobody's to blame for it.

Although we wouldn't be surprised to see the publication of a new cookery book called The Sneaky Chef : 20 Mouthwatering Ways To Get Your Kids To Eat All That Brake Fluid I Syphoned Out Of Jerry Seinfeld's Car When He Wasn't Looking The Other Day in the next few weeks.

What? It's a joke.

Read more:

Seinfeld OK After Scary Car Wreck – E! Online

But one name has managed to rise above all the trouble like some sort of wonderful teenage angel from heaven - Miley Cyrus. But not any more.

Fans have caught Miley Cyrus doing something so disgusting, so downright immoral and depraved and – yes, we'll say it – evil that it's left her army of adoring supporters reeling in horror. That's right – someone saw Miley Cyrus riding in the back of a car without a seatbelt on. No, that's not a euphemism for unprotected sex – Miley Cyrus actually didn't wear a seatbelt in the back of a car once. What a bitch.

Make no mistake, Miley Cyrus rules the world at the moment. She's overcome all kinds of obstacles in her life to get there – like that body double scandal and the way she shares 50% of her genes with Billy Ray Cyrus – but that's just made her success all the more sweet.

So far in life Miley Cyrus has had two number one albums, a number one movie, a sensation of a TV show and she's helped make Britney Spears less mental, and she's still only about six years old. But perhaps Miley Cyrus' greatest success has been not to succumb to the evils that have befallen her tween-idol contemporaries.

Unlike Vanessa Hudgens, Miley Cyrus ha never taken a picture of her minge and put it on the internet. And unlike Jamie Lynn Spears, Miley Cyrus has never been knocked up by some bloke she met at church. But beneath that butter-wouldn't-melt smile there's a heart of darkness beating inside Miley Cyrus, if this new report is anything to go by.

Miley Cyrus didn't wear a seatbelt in a car once.

We know, we're just as shocked as you. So shocked that we'll let USA Today fill you in on the rest of the details:

In a blog item posted Monday, Consumer Reports magazine says 15-year-old superstar Miley Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana on television, is seen in her new movie riding without a seat belt in the back seat of a Range Rover. So is her father, country music star Billy Ray Cyrus, the Yonkers-based magazine says… The magazine says 65% of the 13-to-15-year-olds killed in auto accidents in 2006 were not wearing seat belts. "It seems to us that Miley, her father and Disney had a perfect opportunity to help influence teens and counteract — rather than encourage — this trend," the blog item says.

Yeah, screw you Disney! We're cancelling that trip to Disneyland now, and returning our collection of porcelain Disney fairies, and we're never watching Lost again. Or The Geena Davis Show. And you know how much that last one stings. How dare you do this to us, Miley Cyrus. How dare you!

However, we're sure that the huge Miley Cyrus industry won't let her be damaged by this seatbelt accusation. We've seen how this works, and we can second guess that Miley will now do one of three things to make this up to her fans. She'll either go on Larry King and cry about the incident or she'll find a suitable rehab facility and hole up there for a few days. And if that seems a bit too much like hard work, we're sure that an apologetic letter to Al Sharpton has been drafted up just in case.

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Miley Cyrus, dad are so busted for not buckling up – USA Today 

Amelle Berrabah was arrested late last week for apparently getting angry at her sister's house and beating up a neighbour's car. Although this is just the latest violent controversy to occur since Amelle joined Sugababes, she's strenuously denying these allegations.

When pushed for comment, Amelle tilted her head towards the sky, roared "Hulk smash! Hulk SMAAASH!" and threw a Land Rover into the sun.

Thanks to its ever-changing line-up, Sugababes have been through many incarnations. First they were stroppy little teenagers, then with the inclusion of that Heidi woman they became polished pop starlets. And since Amelle Berrabah joined Sugababes they've become the sort of snarling thugs that'd make Emily Nakanda from X Factor cack her pants in terror.

And most of this seems to be the fault of Amelle herself. Arrested last year for an apparent nightclub attack, Amelle Berrabah has a boyfriend who may have raped her sister and who spent the festive period getting brutally knifed, and that means that Amelle has a lot of built-up aggression to deal with. Where most right-minded pikeys would seek help from the screaming dot-eyed oracle that is Jeremy Kyle, Amelle has found another outlet to medicate her rage.

That's right, Amelle Berrabah has been arrested for fighting a car. And winning. Following an incident in glamorous Aldershot, Sugababes manager Mark Hargreaves released the following statement:

“I can confirm that in the morning of Thursday 10th January '08 Amelle Berrabah, was helping police with their investigation into an allegation of criminal damage to a vehicle. The allegation is being strenuously denied. No charges have been brought against Amelle and she was released on bail pending further investigations.”

Of course, if these claims are true, releasing Amelle on bail is by far the safest option. Lock Amelle up and there's no doubt that she'd reduce any prison to a mound of smoking concrete and twisted metal within minutes, but let her loose and there's a strong chance that she'd just run away to a deserted marsh and punch craters into the ground safe from harm.

While there's no doubt that Amelle's arrest will kickstart another flurry of rumours about her being forced out of Sugababes, it's important to remember that she hasn't been charged with anything and that she's a lovely person and a wonderful singer and please don't hit us Amelle. Not in the face. Not again.

And anyway, even if these allegations against Amelle Berrabah are true, so what? So she beat up a car. Big deal. Loads of people attack cars and they're all completely norm…

OK, bad example.

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Amelle Arrested - MTV 

Though he denies the charges, it's been reported that Scott Weiland – a man whose love of drugs has seen him imprisoned in the past – has been arrested after he crashed his car in Los Angeles, refused to give a blood or urine sample and then acted all impaired. Luckily nobody was hurt in the November 21 crash. Well, we say luckily, but you'd have to be a gigantic fan of badly-dated American stadium widdly-woo rawk not to be slightly bummed out that a shard of windscreen didn't fly off and damage Scott Weiland's vocal chords, at least temporarily.

We've never been banned from Japan, but if we were, the first thing we'd probably do is go out and crash our car on loads of drugs. That's what Scott Weiland from Velvet Revolver did, you see, and he's totally our favourite tiresome, scrawny, Nazi uniform-wearing, drug-addicted hard rock ninny in, like, the whole freaking world.

According to reports, Scott Weiland has been arrested for driving under the influence of drugs after a November 21 car crash in Los Angeles. Apparently the California Highway Patrol investigating the crash noticed that Scott Weiland was acting impaired, so they attempted to take blood and urine samples from him, but he refused.

Scott Weiland also managed to fail a sobriety test, although this will be far easier for Weiland's lawyers to contest – especially if the test involved singing a song in a way that didn't involve sounding like a drunk middle-aged Dad at a special 1980s Gillette TV commercial jingle-themed karaoke party.

News of Scott Weiland's arrest must come as galling news for the rest of Velvet Revolver, who all left Guns N' Roses because they were fed up with being the backing band for a chubby leg-chewer who spends decades fine-tuning albums that nobody will ever hear. And now they're stuck in a band with a singer who dresses like the world's least menacing Nazi and can't even drive a car without buggering it up and getting arrested any more. We're guessing that Axl Rose has never seemed to well-adjusted in comparison.

However, Scott Weiland's publicist Kristine Ashton-Magnuson denies that he'd even gone near any drugs in the first place, not even the good drugs that stop headaches, cure Glaucoma or kill tapeworm:

"Scott was not driving under the influence of a drug, legal or illegal. He voluntarily took a breathalyzer test which the defense believes registers well within the legal limit."

Not that Scott Weiland should necessarily worry too much about his DUI arrest – after all, when Nicole Richie loaded up on drugs and drove into speeding motorway traffic she only got to spend about 82 minutes in jail for it. So, you know, those shiv-wielding inmates had better move faster than they've ever done before. That's all we're saying.

Read more:

Velvet Revolving Door — Weiland Arrested Again – TMZ