For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.

If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘

If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?

The scene in question concerns Snooki and Deena having a fight in a bar.

Remember that?

No, not THIS fight involving Snooki…

It’s a different one. That said, the above video looks grimly real. No, this one involved a hissy fit in a bar and it looked for all the world that a bartender lobbed ice at Snooki and Deena which saw them trashing the place.

Have a look.

It’s clearly all bollocks.

Legally, we should say that MTV’s response was “It’s all real, and we couldn’t make this all up.”

You don’t care do you?

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You know Jersey Shore? That’s right – the thing you can blame dreck like Geordie Shore and The Only Way Is Essex on. Well, one of the stars of the show – The Situation – is a monumental penis who has somehow weaselled his way into the VIP section.

So all is well? Not quite.

See, while he’s the star of a hit MTV show, some people aren’t so taken with him. Despite the free advertising that comes with appearing on a widely watched show, Abercrombie & Fitch have posted a statement on their website asking Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes. That’s how much they hate him.

A&F say:

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image”

Okay.

“We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.”

Distressing? Really? What kind of simpering, spineless wimp wears Abercrombie & Fitch clothes then? The kind that feel distress when someone they don’t like buys the same clothes as them? Jesus Christ on a bike.

“We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”

Wait. So A&F are offering money to people to NOT wear their clothes? Can we, the team of ‘spray degenerates, also have money? We’ll accept money to never buy your clothes, even in the past.

Seems like we’ve got an Abercrombie & Fitchuation on our hands.

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Mr. Bean  is always getting into scrapes isn’t he? Remember that thing he did and it was really funny? He made that funny ‘dawp’ noise? Well, even though he’s not on television anymore, he’s still at it, this time, crashing a high performance sports vehicle!

What a japester!

He’s crashed it in such a hilarious manner that he’s had to go to hospital. The doctors and nurses must be gathered around his hilarious frame, beside themselves with mirth as he tries to form basic vowel sounds to relay the fact he’s in crippling pain. Oh how we wish we could be there! It’s probably the funniest thing happening on Earth right now! This is nearly as funny as when Rick from The Young Ones had a quad land on his head!

Of course, Mr Bean is going to be fine. He’s indestructible isn’t he? Like Frank Spencer from Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em.

Basically, after the nurses have stopped laughing their gussets moist, he’ll be allowed back on the streets (Friday apparently) with a hilariously injured shoulder.

Very amused police and firefighters stumbled to the aid of Mr Bean as he lay motionless in his McLaren F1 supercar in a way which is said to have made one fireman have a hernia with laughing.

With perfect comedy timing, Mr Bean’s car struck a tree. Then a lamppost. Then caught fire.

Eyewitnesses were said to be hugely thankful for this outrageous comedy sketch as, collectively, they had been having ‘a bit of a lousy week with work and all that’.

Mr Bean has no comment at the moment, because he can’t speak and we can’t hear for laughing so hard.

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You know Khloé Kardashian right? She’s the one who got her boob out on TV. She’s the one who makes us angry because we have to put an accent on her name. She’s the… uh… she’s one of the Kardashians. Those guys. The identical rich women who totter around doing… uh… y’know… famous shit.

So what famous things is Khloé doing now? Well, she’s showing excellent celebrity sympathy after her husband killed someone with the Butterfly Effect. No, KK’s husband, Lamar Odom, didn’t lob the DVD case of Ashton Kutcher’s ‘The Butterfly Effect’ at someone ’til they died. Owners of that particular movie are more likely to take the casing to themselves in a hope to end the ordeal of having watched such an awful, awful movie.

What has actually happened here is that Odom has managed to play dominoes with vehicles, seeing some poor sod getting killed at the end of the cause-and-effect.

Odom, who happened to be in New York for a funeral, managed to kill someone with the power of possibility while riding in the backseat of a car. The car he was riding hit a motorcycle, which then hit a pedestrian who, after emergency surgery, died.

Odom tweeted:

“Thank you for your support and prayers! My thoughts and prayers are with the young boys family.”

A bunch of flowers and a ‘sorry’ would’ve been nice, but whatever. His wife, Kardashian, added on her Twitter page:

“My heart/soul goes out 2every1 in pain from any suffering. Pray 4 all of the angels surrounding us constantly. May our spirits stay strong. Above all, love each other deeply, b/c love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality 2 1another without grumbling 1 Peter 4:8-9 Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Our love will give us strength! Love conquers ALL!”

Ain’t that grand? A couple of tweets and everything works out just fine. A few keystrokes later and love manages to conquer death and the boy who joined that invisible choir didn’t die in v…

Wait.

A 15 year old kid died. That’s what this story is about. Jesus. That’s awful. Properly, properly awful. Oh no. What’s that sensation in the heart… it’s… oh shit! IT’S REMORSE! AAARGH! WE’RE MAKING JOKES ABOUT A YOUNG MAN DYING! WHAT HAS BECOME OF US! HE WASN’T EVEN FAMOUS!

AAAAAAAARGH! BHOOHOOHOOHAAAAAAAARGH!

*snot bubble*

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH…

etc

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While we like to deal mainly in crass joke, poor taste and hearsay, there’s something rather unsettling to the response to Ryan Dunn’s untimely death. Of course, by now you’ll know that he died in a car-crash, with Dunn and another passenger dying on a road in Pennsylvania.

Perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise that one of the Jackass team should meet an untimely end. Collectively, they had such wilful disregard for their own safety and a need to seek a thrill, that at some point, one of them was going to go too far.

And it certainly appears that the car which Dunn travelled in was speeding, reportedly leaving the road at 110mph, which is clearly reckless and dangerous… but that’s no surprise coming from someone who entered the Gumball rallies and earned money from jumping into sewerage and having toys inserted into his anus. However, with his corpse barely cold, people are already looking to defame Dunn, which, even by our low standards, seems in very poor taste.

It appears that before Dunn jumped into his car that evening, he went to a bar. A picture appeared on twitter showing him enjoying a drink, fag in hand.

This has allowed many to jump to the conclusion that he was drunk before he got behind the wheel.

You see, one photograph of a person drinking means automatic drunkenness. This, of course, is assuming that he was the driver at all (thereby allowing him to get as plastered as he pleased) or, indeed, he drank more than the one photographed glass.

The picture below, is the thing that seems to be incriminating him to hysterical people, all ready to quickly brand him an arsehole for being so inconsiderate that he’d drive a car at 100+ miles an hour, resulting in the death of someone else, who is completely sober and innocent by implication.

One report claims that Dunn was indeed drinking, but not so drunk he couldn’t drive. Another report notes that Dunn doesn’t really drink, noting that it was very unlikely that he’d be hammered at all, let alone while driving a Porsche.

Yet the narrative today, surrounding this still weirdly depressing news story (as that’s all it is to us onlookers – news and sensationalist gossip) is that he was as drunk as can be, thereby, kicking the doors open to allow people to imply that he deserved to die.

Famed film critic, Roger Ebert was so indignant about Dunn’s death that he went to twitter to say:

‘Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive’

It goes without saying that it doesn’t take a huge leap in your imagination to idly assume that one of the Jackass could be daft enough to drive under the influence at high-speed in a high-performance sports car and, indeed, any post-mortems may well prove as such… however, what is troubling about this story is the haste in which people are quick to jump on his cadaver because there’s no grave to dance on yet, all because of one photograph that contains one drink being pointed at by Ryan Dunn.

The hysteria spouted by the indignant isn’t even being done for comedic effect. It’s just plain nasty, which is what is making this whole sorry spectacle all the more unpleasant to view.

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Okay. This is weirdly sad news. The only wholly likeable one from Jackass, Ryan Dunn, is reportedly dead. No-one expected that and now our collective faces don’t quite know what to do. It has been reported that Dunn died in a car crash in Pennsylvania early this morning.

The story has been confirmed with Bam Margera’s mother, who of course, is the Aunt of Dunn.

As we don’t know what to do in times of grief, we tend to make jokes. However, because this is weird, we can’t quite form them properly. Suffice to say, they revolved around ‘at least he won’t have to put up with Bam anymore’ and something to do with a toy car being shoved into his colon.

Dunn and a person who is as yet unidentified both died in the crash, which reportedly happened around 3 am at Route 322 and New Street in West Goshen Township.

We don’t know where that is and why that particular piece of information is important, but you lot seem to be interested in every detail of a celebrity death.

There’s more too. The car apparently caught fire in the crash and, paid corpse chasers, TMZ, actually have photographs of the car-wreck itself, which is astonishingly mangled.

See the pictures here if you like.

Either way, one of the most likeable clowns on Generation Y has departed and it seems rather sad. You half expected Steve-O to go first, right?

Weirdly, one of the most recent things he did was about him being dead called ‘Living Will’.

Crikey.

Snooki – a cross between a shaved Har Mar Superstar and a tin of off-creosote – is, once again, being filmed for some vapid, gaspingly bad television programme for MTV, the music channel that doesn’t show any music videos.

And while shooting (with cameras, not guns sadly) the fourth season of Jersey Shore this weekend, good ol’ Snooki managed to crash into a police car that was accompanying them, injuring two officers.

The astonishing thing there is, of course, that Snooki has enough faculties to actually have a legal driving license. Beggars belief.

Everyone was in Florence, Italy for the new series, for reasons which are unclear and presumably, of little importance to anyone, including those appearing in the show.

Whatever the reason, Snooki has ended up ramming two cops and now they’re in hospital with minor injuries. Once they heard Snooki talking, they allegedly asked a doctor if they could be given some ‘major injuries’ as life didn’t seem to be worth living anymore, in a world where three-inch tall morons are paraded like stars.

Snooki, not one for being the centre of attention, tried to cover her face as she was questioned about the crash. A crash that, obviously, will feature in the final cut of an episode of Jersey Shore.

And to think that the traffic police vehicle which was hit by Snooki was only travelling with them in order to give the cast and crew the chance to be able to travel around more easily.

Jesus fucking Christ.

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Juliette Lewis is a strange lady isn’t she? She’s part actor, part singer in a rock band and, weirdest of all, not particularly attractive yet still quite fanciable. Sadly, she’s a Scientologist which means she’s dafter than a rucksack full of eye balls.

To her list of achievements, you can now add ‘injured in a hit-and-run crash’.

Yep, Lewis has been involved in an accident in Burbank, police said. So was Lewis hammered on Thetan juice behind the wheel, crashing into Scientology naysayers? Of course not. That would be ridiculous.

Lewis was in fact the passenger in the back seat of a Lincoln Town Car when a driver ran a red light, smashing into Lewis’ Scientologymobile, and then kept going. That’s according to Sgt. Sean Kelley.

The car was found not too far away, but the driver had fled the scene. OR HAD BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

Apparently, Lewis’ ride was “completely totaled.” Who said that? Who cares? This is a site based on crowbarring jokes into scurrilous rumours if you hadn’t noticed.

Lewis’ representative said:

“[Juliette] went to the hospital to be checked out and is a bit banged up and sore but otherwise thankfully okay. She is now resting at home.”

Yeah. Resting with Scientology. If that’s possible. Okay, we’ll stop now.

Mainly because we’re likely to get some Scientology nutters following us around and sticking cameras in our faces in an attempt to make us cry all the time.

We’ve got news for you buckos! We’re already crying all the time! SO THERE.

Anyway. Juliette Lewis. She’s not dead or anything.

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Going directly against the orders of Michael Bay, Megan Fox seems to be doing exactly the opposite to piling on some poundage.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ‘sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

For once it would appear that there’s some good news about Shia LaBeouf – both with regards to his mangled hand and his movie career.

In news sure to bring a smile to The Beef’s little face, it turns out that his recent car accident will not result in the amputation of his little finger, as has been reported all over the world of the superstars these last couple of days. While the rumours were rampant that Shia himself had told producers on Transformers 2 that he would have to have his Beef pinky removed, these have been greeted by his rep as being ‘fabricated’ and ‘totally untrue’.

Which is good for him.

What’s good for everyone else in the world, though, is the news that George Lucas has seemingly gone back on his original statement that Shiny McBeef would be the new Indiana Jones. For the first time in what would appear to be an absolute age, Lucas seems to have made ‘the right decision’.

Obviously he followed it up with another bad decision immediately thereafter, but you have to really learn to love those small victories.

Shia must have been happy to know he doesn’t need an amputation, and hecklerspray was certainly happy to discover that the young one of the red-meaty name wouldn’t be taking over as the lead in a new Indiana Jones cash-in/adventure (delete as appropriate). Speaking to MTV, Lucas let loose this pearl:

“Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be Mutt Williams And The Search For Elvis or something.”

It’s nice to know George Lucas is a reader of hecklerspray. He must be, coming up with movie titles like that.

But then we realised this meant one thing and one thing only. While Shia LaBeouf won’t be taking the fedora from Indy just yet, it will be staying in the hands of Harrison Ford.

Who is fast approaching 70.

While his turn as the archaeological commie buster in Indy 4 wasn’t the best of outings, it was still verging on believable. In fact, the only truly awful part of the film came from The Beef and his Tarzan impression.

Seriously – why was that considered a good idea?

Anyway – the thought of a 70-year-old kicking arse and making wisecracks is probably pushing things that little bit too far away from hecklerspray‘s ability to suspend disbelief, but this doesn’t matter to George Lucas. Speaking about the storyline/artifact possibilities for Indiana Jones 5: Indy Goes to Mecca Bingo, the man who just can’t leave things alone said:

“We are looking for something for him to go after. They are very hard to find. It’s like archeology. It takes a huge amount of research to come up with something that will fit.”

Yes, they’re trying to think of something believable for a 70-year-old adventuring archaeologist to get involved in. Museum curation? Archivist at the local Land Registry? That drunk old bloke down the pub who you will listen to but don’t believe a word of what he says?

The possibilities are endless.

It’s something we’ve all been taught from a young age, from our days of appearing in school productions of whatever rubbish the teachers thought our parents may want to see: don’t ruin your body parts when you’re playing the lead character.

It’s something that maybe, possibly just should have been taught to everyone’s favourite beef machine, Shia LaBeouf, before he was involved in a smashed-up cartastrophe a week ago.

Unfortunately it seems that noone did teach Beefy this one life lesson, and the manchild has ended up with something of a mashed up hand. Halfway through filming Transformers 2. You broke the golden rule, Shia. Silly boy.

Fear not though, as director extraordinairre and all-round BOOM! BLAMMO! KABLAM! personality Michael Bay may well have a solution to the age-old problem of children crashing their cars halfway through filming huge-budget blockbusters: give him a CGI hand four times bigger than his head that transforms into a public toilet – of death.

What do you mean that’s not what he said? Ohhhh – he said he’d probably just write it into the script somehow. Makes more sense, we suppose.

Yes – while some actors have the good grace to go the whole hog and actually die towards the end of filming, so all that is needed is a stunt double and a few special effects (thanks, Brandon Lee in The Crow!), Shia LaBeouf had to go and hurt himself quite badly, but be alright enough to carry on with filming.

See, that’s just the selfish behaviour of a child, meaning that once again the adults have to come in and clean up the mess by writing in a scene when Optimus Prime stands on your hand or something.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

Not content with saying a naughty word and making everyone in the world overreact at him, he had to go and have himself a fairly serious accident, be accused of drink driving (which Michael Bay seemingly legally cleared him of) and then have it turn out that in all likelihood the accident wasn’t even his fault in the first place, thus making any criticism we may have levelled at Beefy concerning the accident null and void.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

In a typically balls-out, playing-by-his-own-rules fashion, director Michael Bay decided to ignore the four hours of surgery, the apparent partial paralysis and the fact that Shia’s hand probably doesn’t look much like a hand right now. Bay told Access Hollywood:

“His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story.”

Where other directors fear to tread – where they are sure they will fail, Michael Bay will emerge triumphant. Simply by saying Grimlock mistook Shia’s hand for the metal he so loves to “munch,” or that Beefy tried to take a cassette out of a tapedeck which turned out to be the evil Soundwave, who proceeded to slam the deck shut, trapping the tiny man’s hand. Or Kup makes a cameo, forcing Bifstek to mangle his own paw in a bizarre rite of passage, seeing as he’s old and mental.

Maybe?

Seriously – hecklerspray should charge for this stuff.

Hulk Hogan really should stick to the things he knows get people on his side.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

This time last year Hulk Hogan was probably a very happy (and large) man.

He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.

Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.

But while all this was going on, Hulk’s wife, Linda Bollea, decided she didn’t want to be married to the big man anymore and filed for divorce, demanding half of everything. Did we mention Hulk was also getting sued around this point for his son’s crash? No? Well, yes – that too.

Basically, Hogan’s life managed to go from rosy to a bag of shit in just a few months, and no amount of gesticulating towards the crowd for them to fill his ear lugs with life-affirming cheering was going to fix things. Even though it helped no end against the likes of Andre the Giant and the Macho Man.

But it hasn’t stopped there – and why should it? When life takes a dump on you, it really does strain as much fecal matter out as possible, just to see your reaction as you’re buried under piles of stinking turd. Hulk Hogan is still slowly realising that life is a complete and total fucker. As he decided to tell Larry King, in-between bouts of being a bit mental and religious.

See, Hulk had been calling Nick in solitary to keep the young tearaway sane. These calls had been recorded. Hulk was aware of this. Yet he was still surprised when they were released to the media. Hulk, Hulk, Hulk – when will you learn? After the storm of crud you’ve been weathering for the last year or so, how did you not realise this would happen? But he didn’t, as these words he uttered to Larry show:

“This was the only thing Nick had left. This is the privacy everybody had in prison… and to have that taken away? I was more worried than ever about his mental state.”

But what about the fact the Hulkster was clearly telling his son how to turn the public to his side? Surely he would back down on this, accept he was in the wrong and move on, admitting a mistake? No, he just brought God into it:

“I was trying to help [to] give Nick some type of relief because he [was] consumed with the unknown. I was just trying to explain to him that it’s ‘God’s hands’ or it’s ‘God’s will.’”

Which clearly shows that God hates Nick Bollea. Which is understandable, really.

So could it get any worse for Hogan? Well, yes, as it turned out that his soon-to-be-ex-wife is currently dating a 19-year-old ex-schoolmate of his son and daughter, Brooke.

And what did young Brooke have to say on the issue?

“I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it.”

So there you go. The Hogans are pretty screwed up, really.

Back when Hulk Hogan was in his prime, the only things he’d destroy were a series of flimsy T-shirts and the national flags of his foreign rivals.

But that’s not enough for Hulk Hogan’s kids. First Hogan’s son Nick wrote off his car – and any chances of his passenger having a normal life – in a spectacular crash, and now it turns out that Hulk Hogan’s daughter Brooke has been in a car crash of her own.

Brooke Hogan getting into a car accident just days after her younger brother was sentenced to eight months in prison for his crash is just plainly irresponsible. If only Brooke had the foresight to make the news for something unrelated to an automobile accident – maybe stabbing a pensioner in the neck or becoming a prostitute – we’re sure her father would be sleeping much more easily at night.

Even for a retired professional wrestler with freakish sausagey arms, traditionally homosexual facial hair and a bandana constantly on his head forlornly trying to convince the world that he isn’t bald, Hulk Hogan’s had a particularly crappy year.

And it’s all thanks to his family. Hulk’s wife Linda decided to get a divorce, Hulk’s son Nick was sentenced to jail after getting arrested for a crash that’s left his friend in a nursing home for the rest of his life, and now even Hulk’s daughter Brooke has let him down.

No, Brooke Hogan hasn’t let her father down by continually clinging onto a dream of becoming a famous singer instead of getting a proper job, even though the public has proved time and time again that it’d rather buy a CD of Josef Fritzl whispering a number harrowing threats than a Brooke Hogan album. No, Brooke has let her father down by crashing her car.

Not that it was her fault, of course – according to reports, Brooke Hogan’s car was hit head-on by an out-of-control driver in Florida on Sunday. Although her car was pushed into a concrete wall, causing $3,000 of damage, Brooke Hogan and her passenger were left uninjured – something that Brooke puts down to her seatbelt. People reports:

“I don’t know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves . . . As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn’t have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us,” Boella wrote in a MySpace post. “It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.”

Thank heavens for seatbelts, huh? If it wasn’t for Brooke Hogan ordering her stupid passenger to fasten her seatbelt, then chances are she’d have been flung through the windscreen, skidded for 50ft along the road on her face, hit by an oncoming convoy of juggernauts and spent the rest of her life in a vegetative state replaying the moment she chose not to wear her seatbelt over and over again. Truly, if anyone is the hero here, it’s the seatbelt. And Brooke Hogan.

Oh, did we mention that the Hogan family is being sued for millions of dollars by the family of John Graziano, the boy who sustained such serious injuries when Nick Hogan crashed his car that he’ll have to spend the rest of his life under constant care? And that the Hogans appear to have been passive-aggressively implying that Graziano’s injuries are all his fault because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt?

We did mention that? Oh. Then we can’t for the life of us work out why we decided to point it out again now.

Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol – obviously.

Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James (a celebrity in his own right but, as you’ll no doubt understand, not quite worthy of a mention in the headline), being driven by 55-year-old Mark Hussey (not a chance) were hit by a drunk driver in Gloucester, Mass., on Friday evening.

According to People, the driver of the offending vehicle has been identified by local cops as Lucille P. Gatchell, a 64-year-old from Gloucester.

Police said Lucille’s gray Subaru station wagon jumped lanes on East Main Street and crashed into the front end of their private car but, staying true to the celebrity-car-crash form-guide, not a sausage was injured.

Luckily, Hussey had been driving at just 20 mph at the time. And we all know what would have happened if they’d been traveling at double that speed!

(Now, at this point, we have the choice of two comedy avenues to skip down; the first being a reference to that girl in the ‘if you hit me at 40 mph I’ll get mangled by a tree, but if you hit me at 30mph I’ll just piss myself a little’ adverts. And second, of course, is the ‘it would trigger a bomb that Dennis Hopper will explode if you go under a certain speed’ avenue)

(Both have their merits, but have been done and redone over the last 24 hours by publications less reputable than this, and we can’t be seen – at least – to be delving to their level. So rather than wasting your time, we’ll just leave you with the following dilemma, before hurriedly moving on: If you were driving the Speed bus and that girl from the advert walked in the road, would you leave her wetting herself, or holding up that tree? It may happen one day.)

The real star of this whole shebang, however, is, without a shadow of a doubt, Gloucester Police Lt. Gerry Cook, who commented:

“It’s unfortunate, but it shows you that no one is immune from drunk drivers, no matter how famous you are.”

Now that man does deserve a mention in the headline! Finally someone is brave enough to stand up to the brainwashed masses who believe celebrities harbour special powers making it impossible for drunk drivers to collide with them.

You idiots! Wake up and smell the reality!

Lt. Cook continued:

“They were shaken up, needless to say, But they were fine – he was hugging her. Jess and Sandra were hugging. They said they were fine, they didn’t need medical attention. There were quite a few people snapping pictures of them…”

Lucille P. Gatchell was given a field sobriety test by officers. She blew a .20 on the breathalyzer (two and a half times the legal limit). She was arrested and booked for driving under the influence of alcohol and failure to stay in marked lanes.

She was later released on her own recognizance (recognizance: n. an obligation of record that is entered into before a court or magistrate, containing a condition to perform a particular act, such as making a court appearance) and shall be arraigned (arraigned: tr.v. to call [an accused person] before a court to answer the charge made against him or her by indictment, information, or complaint) on the charges this (this: pron. used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned) coming Tuesday.

Read More – Sandra Bullock, Husband Hit By Drunk Driver – People