Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
It’s as if Bella Hadid has walked through the automatic doors of a grocery store and suddenly lights start flashing and balloons fall down and the manager runs out to congratulate her on being the one millionth customer and that she’s won $1000 worth of free groceries.
Except in this case the grocery store is the amFar gala, the doors are her legs, and the prize is Leonardo DiCaprio’s model hungry dick.
Remember a few weeks ago when we kept banging on at you to enter a competition to win a holiday in Cannes?
Yes you do, it was all about finding an heir to Jacques D’Azur. You remember. Anyway, statistically speaking most of you reading this either didn’t enter the competition or entered but didn’t win. In which case, take the following video as a lesson. It’s a video of the winner wearing bespoke suits and flying in helicopters and drinking fancy booze and generally having the best time of his entire life.
So next time we have a competition, you know, enter it. And win it. That’s also important. Video after the jump…
Last week hecklerspray was invited to the Cannes Film Festival for a few days as guests of Stella Artois.
Here are 10 things we now know about this year?s festival that no other website will tell you (or even care about)…
Remember Jacques d’Azur, that bloke who definitely existed and then died? You do? Good.
Remember how we ran a video about him a couple of week ago saying that if you watched the video you could end up flying business class to Cannes, getting put up in a fancy hotel and going to all kinds of fancy screenings during the film festival? Well here’s another Jacques d’Azur video. And we really can’t make this clear enough – IF YOU WATCH THE VIDEO, YOU COULD GO TO CANNES FOR FREE.
So, you know, watch the video. It’s after the jump. We’re not messing you around here. Watch the video. Watch it…
First the bad news: Jacques d’Azur won’t be going to the Cannes festival this year, because he’s dead. What’s the good news?
You can go in his place. Stella Artois 4% is running a breathtaking new competition, where the prize is the full VIP Cannes treatment. Think fancy flights to Cannes. Think nice hotel. Think VIP festival screenings. Think trailing around after Rachel Weisz hoping that she’ll notice you, and then failing, and then getting trashed on cocktails afterwards. That’s the kind of thing that’s up for grabs here.
And now you have three choices. You can enter the competition here, or you can watch a lovely video about it after the jump. Or you can tell us what you’d do on the red carpet if you won. Who would you like to kiss? Who would you like to grope? Who would you like to deliberately trip up? Answers below, please…
Red carpet events look like a right hoot don’t they? I mean, you get to wear posh clothes whilst being screamed at by blokes with cameras wanting you to perform a variety of poses, showing off your backless dress/arseless trousers. Then, once everyone has finished screaming at you (or indeed, failing to hurling abuse at you), you slink away to glug champagne from glasses forged out of truffles and unicorn hooves.
However, there’s a good chance that, like us, you’re utterly useless plebs who will never be able to glide down a red carpet and make people gasp and jerk in astonishment. Quite simply, you’re deluding yourself if you think you can simply waltz up to an event and everyone will suddenly realise your star quality and immediate avert their eyes, but not their love.
That is, unless you follow our 5 step guide to blagging your way down a red carpet. It’s doable, but you might have to throw your dignity (and possibly the gusset of your undergarments) to one side. Click over the jump as fleeting stardom awaits.
So far it’s fair to say that this year’s Cannes Film Festival has been all over the shop.
The bulk of the chatter has been about what Angelina Jolie is keeping in her guts and the festival’s biggest two movies – Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and Vicky Cristina Barcelona – are only gaining interest because people either like a) watching iconic action stars try to recapture past glories or b) watching Scarlett Johansson get off with Penelope Cruz.
And since Sean Penn is the festival’s jury president this year, everything else is probably going to be a barrage of humourless hand-wringing about starving Albanians. And if the thought of that has put you off, we’ve found a way to enjoy the Cannes Film Festival from home.
Angelina Jolie must be wondering why she even bothered going all the way to poxy Cannes.
Supposedly there to promote Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has actually ended up having to sit in a room with her co-stars and listen to them carping on about all the secrets of her pregnancy. First Jack Black accidentally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins, and now Dustin Hoffman has apparently revealed that her babies are due to be born on August 19.
But that’s nothing, because Angelina’s other Kung Fu Panda co-star Jackie Chan refuses to be outdone – and you’ll discover why just as soon as he’s finished bronzing his 30ft papier mache representation of what the inside of Angelina Jolie’s dilating cervix looks like.
The Cannes Film Festival is the most famous film festival in the world, where every year a jury chooses a film that nobody has seen and says how much better it is than all the films you've seen put together.
And this year the Cannes Film Festival is going to be extra special because the head of the Cannes jury has been announced as Sean Penn. As one of the most respected actors and directors working in Hollywood today, Sean Penn's appointment will mean that the movie he awards his prize to will get an even bigger publicity boost than usual. It also means that anyone who's recently made a movie that's funny, uplifting, deft or about anything other than how terrible the Iraq war is should probably stay at home this year because they ain't winning jack.
