Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Guess what tech fans! Those Chinese tinkerers have made another copy of an Apple trademark that's bound to cause a stir, if not entirely offend fanboys and turtle neck wearers everywhere.
Having already found success with the SciPhone and a full sized replica Apple store, those crown princes of piracy, the Chinese, have now created THE ULTIMATE ACTION FIGURE, in the form of Apple founder Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs. ACTION figure. ACTION? Steve Jobs?
Doubled or Quit?
Folded
Creased
According to various reports, Bert Jansch has died. He may not have been hugely famous, but this is sad news all the same… and we’re going to tell you why.
Jansch was a titan of the folk scene who inspired many artists ranging from Led Zeppelin to Blur’s Graham Coxon to The Smiths’ Johnny Marr. He’s arguably one of the finest guitarists the world ever saw, mercifully eschewing awful axe-wielding and 30 minute guitar solos.
The legendary Scot has suffering from lung cancer for a good number of years now and it would appear that he’s finally succumbed to the disease (although, everyone is awaiting confirmation of his death, thereby potentially making us all look a bit stupid with these pre-emptive tributes). Either way, this is a perfectly good time to look at some of his best music.
Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.
Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.
BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’?
Delta Goodrem is a singer. Now, you may find that patronising, but we thought you might need reminding as it would appear she’s only famous for having cancer and being dim enough to see Brian McFadden as a suitable mate.
Of course, once McFadden had released his date-rape classic, ‘Just The Way You Are’ (listen here if you missed it), it didn’t take Goodrem long to bin the former Westlifer off.
And now, much to screaming girls annoyance, Goodrem has been spotted out and about holding hands with crooning clone Nick Jonas.
Much can be said about Heather Mills. Much has been said about Heather Mills. It’s safe to say that we aren’t the only ones who have said things about Heather Mills.
So we did kind of expect her to fight back in some way, what with her being a bit “interesting” in the head.
What we didn’t expect was that she’d wish cancer on anyone who had ever wronged her, tumours on those who had slighted her and death to those who gave her funny looks.
Sure, she denied she’d actually said that, but we happen to trust The Observer over Bionic Commandette.
Plenty of people have profited from Patrick Swayze’s cancer – and, yes novelty ‘NOBODY PUTS PANCREATIC CANCER IN A CORNER’ T-shirt vendors, we’re looking at you.
So why not Patrick Swayze himself? It’s been reported that Patrick Swayze will pen a memoir with the help of his wife Lisa. The book will span Swayze’s entire life – which means, unless things take a turn for the better soon, it’s going to have an incredibly depressing ending.
Because, Jesus, The Beast? Have you actually seen that thing? Talk about a terrible way to end an autobiography. Way to bum us all out, Patrick.
Nobody could have ever expected Patrick Swayze – the man who wrote the embarrassingly weedy She’s Like The Wind, remember – to be this strong.
As if battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer and holding on for much longer than anyone anticipated wasn’t enough, Patrick Swayze now also has pneumonia beat. Last week Patrick Swayze checked himself into hospital with pneumonia, but he’s already well enough to be released.
It just goes to show Patrick Swayze’s tenacity. In fact, we’re starting to think that this Ghost‘s final scene all over again – God isn’t letting Patrick Swayze die until he chops a baddie in half with a window or something.
When Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with cancer last year he was initially given five weeks to live, a deadline he easily beat.
But hold your horses, everyone. Just because he managed to beat one depressingly short cancer prognosis, Patrick Swayze wants everyone to know that he’s not going to live forever. In fact, in a bleak reality check during an interview with Barbara Walters, Patrick Swayze has only given himself two more years.
Patrick Swayze has got guts – making that admission while staring directly at a million-year-old bouffant Skeletor who logic dictates he should survive by several decades? That’s bravery.
The fact that Patrick Swayze is still around nine months after he was apparently given five weeks to live is clearly impressive.
What’s more impressive is that Patrick Swayze has got his pancreatic cancer on the run. He’s responding well enough to the treatment that he’s even made his own, admittedly quite rubbish-looking TV show.
So Patrick Swayze doesn’t seem like he’s on death’s door. And if you think he is, keep it to yourself, because Patrick Swayze is so furious about it that it’s all he can do not to get all penultimate scene of Ghost on your arse.
