Syphilitic, limescale covered piss-rocker, Pete Doherty, has done us all a gigantic favour by getting in trouble which could see him getting five years in prison. Half a decade without his plodding, poetry-for-beginners, self-serving, bloated, pus-leaking indie dirge!

Just imagine!

See, this gasping berk who is the single biggest case for legalising Assisted Suicide (or ‘murder’ if you prefer) allegedly broke into a music shop during a night out, where he was invariably surrounded by sycophantic, libertine-tattooed simpletons in porkpie hats, with jaundiced skin and brown teeth, all egging him on to be the rebel that their middle class upbringing could never permit them.

Prosecutors in Germany, cheered on by millions of people in possession of one functioning brain cell and a crude hearing device, are looking to press charges over the incident in Regensburg.

Of course, the singer, with a body akin to boiled mince made from diseased horses and a voice that sounds like someone tackling pre-vomit water, is already serving a six month jail sentence for cocaine possession. It goes without saying that he’ll be spending his time in the clink writing laughably bad prose in an attempt to sell it on at a later date as his ‘prison diaries’ like he’s Jeffrey Archer or something.

Doherty has admitted that he smashed in the shop’s window, but conveniently, he claims that he really can’t remember what happened next.

That’s probably because his tawdry little brain is about as much use as a cyst on your eyelid and if you load it up with cheap drugs and drink, it’s only going to leak cloudy detritus into your synapses, which explains why he is under the assumption that he’s some modern-day William Blake or something.

With any luck, Peter’s prison inmates will recognise him as being that dreadful, dreadful human who created some of the most average music in human history and see to it that he has a quick boardroom meeting with a pool ball in a sock.

Sadly, his grating, fawning fans will then turn him into some kind of martyr for idiocy and we’ll never hear the end of it.

Damn.

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A fresh, rejuvenated, rehabilitated Amy Winehouse has made the difficult decision to cancel her entire European tour after the entire internet has spent the week laughing at her inability to perform a song that she wrote all by herself during a recent gig in Belgrade.

Confirmation came on Sunday that Ms Winehouse had cancelled performances in Istanbul and Athens. The singer had been due to perform right across Southern Europe as part of her triumphant, if understated, comeback tour.

The decision to can the remaining shows came after the thinking person’s Peter Doherty was booed at the Belgrade concert for slurring her words and appearing incoherent and… well… a little bit pissed throughout the performance.

We could make jokes about the fact that her staunch refusal to go to rehab from the song ‘Rehab’ now seems to have come back round to punch he career in the face but we’re not ‘those people’.

Amy has now officially cancelled all 12 dates of her upcoming tour, which would have seen her performing in Austria, Italy, Poland, Spain, Switzerland, Romania and Hungary throughout the summer. A spokesman for the singer and her management stated:

“Amy Winehouse is withdrawing from all scheduled performances, everyone involved wishes to do everything they can to help her return to her best and she will be given as long as it takes for this to happen.”

It is not known whether or not refunds will be offered to those poor, gullible idiots that didn’t see this coming and whether they will be keeping the money of the ghouls who bought tickets with the solitary goal of seeing a woman with severe addiction problems falter horribly in front of an excitable crowd.

After time spent in London’s Priory Clinic at the end of May, the singer was said to be continuing her recovery as an outpatient however, her recent slump in Belgrade suggests that she might have tumbled off the wagon only to be trampled by the horses of the other fifteen wagons that she’s fallen off on her way to that one.

Of course, you ghoulish lot didn’t click on this story to read our words, did you? You clicked it in order to have an excuse to gaze in wide-eyed delight at a woman completely screwing up her career based on the advice of an entourage of sharks. Well, we’re not here to disappoint you so here’s Amy Winehouse “performing” ‘You Know That I’m No Good’ during the Belgrade gig. Ironically, she wasn’t.

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Foetid, seeping, singing pus-sac – Pete Doherty – has had his stinkin’ behind hauled into jail after being a complete waste of everybody’s time and energy. Of course, this cements his place as an artistic-martyr to the scum that follow this godforsaken warbler, all now destined to write awful poetry in their mildew riddled hovels.

That’s right folks! The Bedsore Bard has been hoiked out of civilisation toward the nearest clink where he can be beaten up for cigarettes and used as some kind of full-body masturbation tool for randy hooligans!

And all because he really likes having drugs about his person, despite the fact that the police are constantly tapping him on the shoulder for a quiet word. Will his 9 GCSE’s save him now?!

Doherty has been jailed for six months after pleading guilty to cocaine possession. Accusations of having the general odour like the breath like an aged Alsatian with hellish gum-disease after licking faecal spattered batteries go unconvicted.

Of course, this all comes on the back of a bunch of other arrests, this one relating to the investigation of the death of heiress Robyn Whitehead.

Fans of the singer, who as we all know, are the most appalling humans on the planet all skinning up in their grim holes and smelling of Super Noodles, will be making comparisons to Oscar Wilde, who was also an amazingly irritating penis prone to cod-poetry.

Doherty didn’t show any emotion when the verdict was read out at Snaresbrook Crown Court. It is widely accepted that, thanks to years of drug abuse, he’s actually incapable of displaying anything at all. Rumour has it that Doherty is barely able to keep his underpants skid-free.

Judge David Radford said he had an “appalling record” of committing offences, report the Press Association.

And so, thanks to Doherty being shipped off to jail in the middle of a tour of the UK and Ireland, all gigs have been cancelled.

Apart from the one where he’s singing like a bird to the screws.

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Ke$ha, the insanely irritating popstar with a voice like a thousand nails on a blackboard, has seemingly grown something resembling a heart as she looks out toward to good people of Japan and thinks “you’ve really suffered enough”.

As such, she’s decided to cancel her upcoming tour of Japan after the country was hit with a catastrophic earthquake and tsunami.

While the country grieves and suffers continued quakes, they certainly don’t need to hear someone singing about ‘Glitter Puke’ or performing the immensely grating ‘Blah Blah Blah’.

Ke$ha released a statement explaining the postponement through her Japanese promoter, Creativeman Productions, saying:

“My heart is with Japan right now through this disaster and these hardships. I genuinely don’t think right now would be appropriate timing for me to perform in Japan given the content and the spirit of my show, which is all about feeling exuberant, rowdy, and wild.

“I plan to bring my party there and to that part of the world when we are all ready to dance and Get $leazy together again.”

“In the meantime I am going to do everything I can to help relief efforts and I encourage everyone in the world to do the same.”

She probably muttered ‘besides, I don’t want to die over there – no offence.’

Even better for Japanese people is that Good Charlotte and Hoobastank have also cancelled shows over there. It almost makes us wish for a British natural disaster.

Almost.

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Boo-hoo. There’s going to be some hippie tears today as news has got out about the cancellation of Glastonbury festival 2012.

And why has it been cancelled? Have the organisers realised that it might be a bit rich to promote environmentally aware messages while being responsible for some insane pollution from the sheer amount of cars that travel to the event, not to mention the stars landing by helicopter AND the huge amount of electricity used on the million stages, falafel stands, bead shops and burger vans blasting out ropey dubstep 24 hours a day?

Nope. It’s because people who go to Glastonbury shit way too much.

You heard. Michael Eavis has been forced to cancel Glastonbury 2012 because of a shortage of Portaloos and the fact that the police are needed for London’s Olympic games.

Apparently, Eavis won’t be able to get toilets from anywhere because they’re all needed at the Olympic games. That means the festival organisers are telling us that the sporting event will be using all the toilets in the whole world. They’d get them from elsewhere in Europe but y’know, The Olympics has hired every last one of them. In fairness, it’s the first good thing the Olympics has done for the country thus far.

The notoriously peace-loving festival would have you believe that the crowd that attends the Pilton Pop Festival is founded on good-vibrations and that there’s a different mindset compared to other events. It’s special, right? However, the amount of police required to make sure these peaceniks don’t turn on each other like stray dogs fighting to the death in an alleyway is, of course, another matter entirely.

Our police force will be thrilled no doubt to not have to spend a weekend wading through human silage and detritus, instead, doing their rounds in a city where there are shops that don’t necessarily sell cheap amethyst rings, sunglasses with hologram hemp leaves on the lenses and preposterous novelty hats.

They will, sadly, have to walk around London though. Swings and roundabouts.

Michael Eavis decided to give some seriously flowery prose to explain the cancellation of the festival, to reward die-hard fans:

“There will be severe shortages, so we’ve decided to cancel.”

Presumably, all the other festivals on the circuit will still go-ahead because they won’t let a little thing like an Olympics get in the way of sharing some of the most boring rock bands in history with a drunk, stinking crowd up to their knees in other people’s urine.

Still, the 2011 event has sold out, telling us that there’s still folk daft enough to wish a weekend of hellish smuggery on themselves. It’s up to you whether you think we’re referring to the revellers sense of self worth or the inevitable inclusion of U2 in a headline slot.

Meet you by the mixing desk.

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Guns N’ Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.

Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!

The news broke last night after a message appeared on Rose’s Twitter account that read, “All upcoming Guns N’ Roses dates are officially cancelled. Please contact your place of purchase for any refunds.”

Brilliantly, Rose seems to have announced this without telling his band, which is hardly surprising given his track record. The band have put out a tweet that says they’re, “looking into,” the validity of the tweet from Rose’s account.

This tells us one of two things: either the band believe the tweet is fake or (more likely) no one involved with Guns N’ Roses is important enough to ask the megalomaniacal frontman whether or not he sent this tweet out, unless they did and he was slumped on the floor gurgling and trying not to choke on his own vomit.

There is still the chance that Rose had his Twitter account hacked. It is possible, after all, Paramore lead singer Hayley Williams claimed she had been hacked after topless pictures of her were sent out from her account.

Whether the announcement from Rose about the cancellation of the entire Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy World Tour is true or not, you can count on one thing. Slash is loving this.

UPDATE – Apparently Axl Rose’s Twitter account really was hacked. The tour is back on, at least until Axl changes his mind for real. We give it a fortnight.

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You’ve seen Scrubs right? Of course you have. You can’t move for episodes of Scrubs. It’s bloody omnipotent. Like repeats of Friends, it feels like you could hurl a handful of your own fecal matter up into the air and, chances are, it would land or backsplat onto a channel showing yet another dose of the kooky kookfest that is stinkin’, insufferable Scrubs.

Good news for mewing, haters like us is that it looks like the show is more dead than Fearne Cotton’s eyes. How do we know? Well, it’s come from a very reliable source, namely, Zach Braff. Yes, the spunky goof-chop that plays JD in the comical surgical wound programme has announced that the show is over.

Braff (which sounds more like a nickname for puking rather than a proper surname) broke the news on his Facebook page. Yes! We know! It’s astonishing isn’t it? Zach Braff can find time to stop staring at his own genitals in the mirror to find time to actually learn how to read and write!Braff wrote:

“Many of you have asked, so here it is. It appears that ‘New Scrubs’, ‘Scrubs 2.0′, ‘Scrubs with new kids’, ‘Scrubbier’, ‘Scrubs without JD’ is no more. It was worth a try, but alas… it didn’t work. zb”

So, simpletons who watch the show can immediately start crying and wondering where their next laugh might come from (don’t worry, it’ll probably be repeated on E4 until time itself expires).

Not so fast chicken brains.

The show’s mastermind Bill Lawrence adds to all this:

“It hasn’t been canceled, we’re all just assuming it’s over.”

The people with the cheque book, ABC, are thus far not making any comment.

It is looking likely that the show will be cancelled but it’s believed that ABC are holding fire on any decision because they might need to run the show again if nothing else remotely decent comes along.

That said, this outcome is incredibly unlikely and that it would be something of a shock if Scrubs did return to screens.

Meanwhile, over at Twitter, Scrubs writers posted this after the possible series finale aired the night before:

“We’re going to close up this Twitter shortly, and pop back on if there’s news for the future…Whatever happens in the future, we’ll let you guys know. Thanks for watching & letting us have the best job in the world (after astronaut). ScrubsWriters out!”

Are you hoping it gets another chance? Are you frigging off to a picture of Zach Braff right now? Do you think Turk should grow his tasche back? Spew up your thinks in the comments.

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If you happen to enjoy ridiculous television shows that can pointlessly tread water for three entire seasons, we have some bad news.

Prison Break is no more. Fox Entertainment President Kevin Reilly has decided that Prison Break‘s fourth season will be its last. This will no doubt come as a shock to the solitary homeless man who didn’t think that Prison Break got cancelled in 2006 anyway.

So Prison Break may be dying, but let’s focus on all the positive things it gave us – like Wentworth Miller and that hour a week where nothing good was on TV so we could read books instead.

The problem with most big American dramas these days is that they don’t know how to stretch out for multiple seasons. Lost got around this by becoming so impossibly dense that you can’t follow episodes without the aid of a flipchart and an encyclopedia. 24 just repeats itself exactly every year with only minor changes, like the introduction of a female president who’s got a face that looks like a cake. And Heroes is determined to deliberately lose all of its viewers by progressively getting worse and worse with every passing minute.

And then there’s Prison Break – a show about a man breaking out of prison with the aid of his magical tattoo. Which was all well and good, except that at the end of the first season he broke out of prison, leaving nowhere for the show to go.

That’s why the following three seasons of Prison Break – where tattoo man goes on the lam, gets caught, goes to another prison, breaks out of that prison too and goes on the lam again, all because the president is evil or something – were such hopeless failures. You want examples of how bad the latter seasons of Prison Break were? OK, here’s three:

1) In America, the audience halved between the first season and the fourth season.

2) The Prison Break cast got so bored by the ridiculous plotlines that they actually took to killing boys in drunken accidents to pass the time.

3) In the UK, not even Channel Five thought that seasons three and four of Prison Break were good enough to broadcast. And this is Channel Five – the channel that, in a few hours, is genuinely going to broadcast a documentary about a clever pig.

And these reasons are why Kevin Reilly from Fox has decided to put Prison Break out of its misery. The LA Times reports:

The action series starring Wentworth Miller will return on April 17 for its final run of four to six episodes. The show premiered in 2005 as a hit but has progressively run out of steam. “Creatively, the show’s just played out,” Reilly said. “Creatively, everyone feels enough stories were told. We want to finish strong.”

“Well, alright, maybe not strong,” we then imagine Kevin Reilly went on to say “But mediocre. No, no, mediocre’s not the word either. Alone and ignored. That’s the one! We want to finish alone and ignored!”

But now pilot season is coming up, so let’s just hope that Fox learns from the demise of Prison Break and stops commissioning shows that can’t possibly stretch beyond their quickly-completed premise. Apparently Fox is especially keen on the new high-concept drama Man Jumps Off Log, about a man who wants to jump off a log. He does actually jump off the log within the first six seconds of the first episode, but we’re sure they’ll find away to stretch it out for years after that.

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For a few weeks the corner of the world that still cares about Janet Jackson has been asking one question – what’s wrong with the woman?

Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.

Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness has been a cause for concern for quite some time now. Last month in Canada Janet Jackson cancelled a show at the eleventh hour and was rushed to hospital. The lack of immediate diagnosis, coupled with the fact that Janet Jackson then cancelled further concerts, became quite the cause for concern.

Was Janet Jackson seriously ill? Had she come down with cancer? Did she have a dicky ticker? Was it time for her to update her will to include her imaginary teenage daughter? Or, conversely, was Janet Jackson just doing that thing her brother Michael does where he conveniently gets quite ill whenever he’s asked to do something he doesn’t feel like?

Maybe we’ll never know. Or maybe Janet Jackson’s spokesperson has now revealed exactly which illness she’s suffering from in quite specific detail. Which one is it, huh? Huh? Oh, the second one. E! Online reports:

“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp and obtained by E! News.

Well that’s a weight off everyone’s mind, at least. Janet Jackson isn’t seriously ill after all – she’s just got a bit of a headache.

Actually in all seriousness it’s quite easy to see how Janet Jackson could develop something like migraine-associated vertigo. Now that she’s on tour, she spends her nights standing in front of gigantic blasts of thrashing noise, and that probably caused havoc with her inner ear.

Oh, no, wait, sorry – this is Janet Jackson we’re talking about, isn’t it. Her concerts actually involve her whispering the word ‘sexy’ over and over during several songs that all sound like a mouse farting on top of a broken wind-up clock. That probably wouldn’t do much to her inner ear at all, in retrospect. God knows what’s up with her.

Still, we hope that Janet Jackson makes a speedy recovery from this vertigo that’s been blighting her tour so badly. Hopefully she’ll be able to get over this illness, complete all her shows and get back to what she does the best – making albums that nobody even pretends to notice any more. Attagirl, Janet.

The world is split into three: one group hates Denise Richards, one group likes Denise Richards and the other group doesn’t care if Denise Richards lives or dies.

Sadly, none of these groups watch Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. The group that likes her won’t watch it because they don’t like how she’s portrayed in it, the group that hates her won’t watch it because they hate her and the group that doesn’t care won’t watch it because ultimately they’re quite sensible. And that’s why Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is getting cancelled.

Personally we blame the title. Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is both vague and untrue. Denise Richards Exceeds The Most Negative Aspects Of Her Reputation While Simultaneously Doing Her Best To Prove The Opposite would have got the viewers flooding in. But, no, nobody ever listens to us.

If someone told you to go and make a TV show about Denise Richards’ life, there’s an overwhelming chance that you’d have picked one of the following options:

1) Woo Hoo! It’s The Denise Richards Bikini Trampoline Hour!

2) Laptop/Old Lady Discus Eventing With Denise Richards.

3) Denise Richards Apologises For That James Bond Film Directly Into Camera For Up To Six Hours At A Time.

What you wouldn’t make is Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, a reality TV platform for Denise Richards to endlessly bleat about how the media twists everything she says and occasionally sit down with her nephew and have awkward conversations about whether or not he’s ever cracked one off to her threesome scene from Wild Things.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated came whirling in on a cloud of mad eyed spite-hype and promised to rip the lid of the pointlessly bitter feud that’s raging on between Denise Richards and her ex-husband Charlie Sheen, only for E! viewers to realise that even they didn’t care about Denise Richards to sit through hour after hour of utter tedium to get there.

So Denise Richards: It’s Complicated has been cancelled. Probably. Here’s OK! magazine with more:

“The numbers started out pretty good – just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode,” a source told The Insider yesterday. “But the audience has dropped off… Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language,” the source adds.

That this news comes at the exact same time that Charlie Sheen has impregnated his new wife and got a massive payrise must be a kick in the teeth for Denise Richards. All she wanted to do was raise her children in the uncomfortable spotlight of the media and now even that unalienable right has been taken away from her.

Who knows what Denise Richards will do next (porn)? She’s a working mother with bills to pay (do porn please) and with her acting career drying up there can’t be many more avenues for her to explore (porn, do porn, for the love of all that’s holy Denise Richards do porn porn porn porn porn).

Anyway, we can survive the loss of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated so long as nobody buggers around with Living Lohan. We don’t know what we’d do if both our favourite reality TV shows about a famous woman with questionable parenting skills that we’ve never watched more than 15 seconds of were cancelled, you see.

Everybody seems to be getting in on the comic book-to-movie adaptation thing, with easily one of the most anticipated being that of Watchmen.

While normally this would be greeted with trepidation and a slight amount of fear, the sheer quality of the source material, combined with the fact that the film is supposed to actually be, y’know – good – has people sweating around the groin, awaiting next year’s release.

That is, unless Fox have their way and ban the film from ever coming out.

Oh, we’re not kidding here – that’s what they’re trying to do in the latest of legal battles that shows just how the company is actually forged from Satan’s testicles themselves. There’s evil, then there’s Fox evil.

This is the company that cancelled Family Guy in its prime – though they did bring it back, they actually ended up becoming more evil by letting the damn thing continue, seeing as it’s turned into utter tripe in recent years. Then there was the cancellation of Firefly, but we won’t go into that – it’s still too painful. They cancel, they block, they ruin and they devour, and they never seem to stop.

Next on their list is Zack Snyder, director of 300, and his adaptation of Watchmen, the classic 80s comic series that ranks amongst the finest books ever written. Apparently. With some nice spoof adverts.

The film is bankrolled and due for release through Warner Bros early next year, but some convoluted and complicated legal wrangling has revealed that Fox are claiming that they own the rights to a film release of the property.

While this came about in February of this year, well before Watchmen fever had truly got a hold of the internets, it has been decided recently by a judge that Warner Bros could not have the case thrown out of court as they had asked.

What this means is that Fox are free to pursue their copyright infringement case against Warner Bros, and are looking to get back either damages for the trouble – sure to be a few quid at the very least – or, in a worst case scenario, ban the movie from being released indefinitely.

And it looks like Fox‘s band of lawyers, built as we all know from pure evil, are looking to force a worst case scenario – pushing to kill the project altogether rather than take some of its potentially huge box office. A statement released by Fox read:

“Warner Bros.’ production and anticipated release of ‘The Watchmen’ motion picture violates 20th Century Fox’s long-standing motion picture rights in ‘The Watchmen’ property.”

Which is pretty standard stuff until you realise they seemingly don’t even care enough to get the name of the comic right in the first place. So if they don’t even care about that, do they care about you, the fans – the public? Do they bollocks. It’s idiots in suits playing at running the world again, and it’s getting to be a bit annoying now.

But hey, at least Fox can clear the way for their own films to come out next year, and there’ll be no risk of them being compared side-by-side with Watchmen. That could be viewed as a good point. If you were mental.

The case is far from settled, though Fox are pushing for it to be fast-tracked through the courts. Probably so they can get back to stealing candy from orphanages, or burning down babies or something.

Today’s vitriolic rant brought to you by hunger pains and a lack of coffee. We will resume normal service shortly.

The planned Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson Bond-theme has been cancelled because, according to Ronson, when it comes to her current mental state, Amy can’t find a quantum of solace anywhere.

However, a spokesman for Winehouse has said that this isn’t the case and that the real reason is to do with a clash of interests regarding the development of the song, of which Amy had “other ideas”.

Is Amy telling the truth, or is it Mark? Who knows? As far as that argument goes, it’s probably best to live and let die.

It’s a terrible shame for all things Bond as, when it comes to musical collaborations, nobody does it better than Winehouse and Ronson.

Fortunately though, unlike the prospect of this dream Bond-duet, tomorrow never dies and, as they are young and have all the time in the world to recover, Ronson has stated that he hopes they’ll have the chance to die another day, having another go with the Bond theme next time around.

It’s a brave statement that goes to show that they aint no octopussies.

Oh dear.

Ronson told Sky News:

We did work on it but we never finished it, so that’s about it. We tried to work for a little bit. I’m not sure she’s ready to work on music yet.

And Amy’s spokesman responded:

She has always made her own decisions about her music. Needless to say, this is part of the process between artist and producer and we’re sure they will continue to make great music together.

And so, as the moonraker of Amy’s mind gently drifts her from one traumatic experience to the next; from scaring the living daylights out of her dad to the point where he wants her locked up, to her wanting her own husband to remain locked up, from her husband wanting a divorce, to her being cautioned for nutting some good Samaritan on the street, it seems that the world is more than enough for Amy.

Read More – Winehouse is not ready for music – Sky News

It's not a good time to be a fan of giant-haired widdly-woo nostalgic Spandex rock right now.

Not only do you have to live with the fact that you've wasted a great big portion of your life endorsing the very worst type of music ever invented, but now Van Halen have postponed a load more reunion dates as well.

This is the second batch of shows that Van Halen have ditched this month so far, and it's all because Eddie Van Halen is currently being tested for a mystery medical condition. Sounds serious. We just hope that whatever the condition is, it's important enough to deny thousands of fans the chance to pay an inflated amount of money to see a gang of old men play music that all sounds like the theme-tune to Biker Mice From Mars.

Van Halen has always enjoyed something of a fluid line-up but, among the 400 singers and schoolboy bassists called Wolfgang that have passed through Van Halen's ranks, Eddie Van Halen has always remained the constant of the band.

Sure, Eddie Van Halen may have taken the odd day off to record Michael Jackson's most overrated song or develop a crippling substance abuse problem or two, but he's always been the beating heart of Van Halen. So when Eddie Van Halen contracts a mystery illness and has to go and be tested, that pretty much spells curtains for Van Halen as a band.

Earlier this month Van Halen cancelled a few dates because of Eddie Van Halen's 'issues. At the time we were undecided whether this meant Eddie Van Halen had fallen out with his bandmates for the billionth time in a decade, or whether his ex-wife's autobiography had plunged him back headfirst into a blizzard or booze and drugs, or whether he just has post-traumatic stress disorder from that time his garden got a bit flooded.

But now that a total of 17 Van Halen dates have been disrupted, it's starting to look like Eddie Van Halen might actually have quite a serious medial problem, as Reuters reports:

Rock band Van Halen's reunion tour fell into disarray on Monday when it announced it would postpone all shows through April 19 while guitarist Eddie Van Halen undergoes tests for an unspecified medical condition… According to organizers, Van Halen, 53, who has battled cancer and substance abuse, "is currently under doctors' care" and will "continue medical tests to define a course of treatment." No further details were made available.

Sounds worrying and, although his music makes us want to tear lumps of flesh out of our faces, we still hope that Eddie Van Halen's condition isn't as deadly as it's starting to sound.

Because, seriously, first Patrick Swayze and now Eddie Van Halen? Our 1980s icons are being obliterated. And these things always come in threes, so if we were Steve Guttenberg or Roland Rat we'd be bloody well cacking it at the moment.

Read more:

Van Halen scraps more shows amid mystery ailment – Reuters 

Sometimes it can seem like the hardest thing in the world to get four old men to play bad-haired, leotard-wearing widdly-widdly-woo hard rock music together.

That's certainly the case with Van Halen. After more messily aborted reunions than you could ever wish for, Van Halen finally hit the road in September to play their bad-haired, leotard-wearing widdly-widdly-woo hard rock music to as many middle-aged bad-haired nostalgia freaks as the possibly could.

Except it couldn't last and, with crushing inevitability, the rest of the Van Halen reunion tour has been scrapped; either forever or until the band feels the need to demonstrate its innate lack of personal and organisation skills in public again.

You know why bands split up? It's because they hate each other. And you know why bands reform? It's because they're greedy. And if you put a bunch of greedy people who hate each other on a stage and ask them to work together, it'll inevitably end in tears. It happened with the Spice Girls reunion just a couple of weeks ago, and it's happened with Van Halen so often that we can't be bothered to count any more. 

Van Halen is a band so opposed to getting along that it's been through four singers and a couple of bassists in its time. But to its fans, the classic Van Halen line-up was Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen, Michael Anthony and David Lee Roth. Two years ago a tour by that classic Van Halen was promised, but it didn't happen because they decided to replace Anthony with a boy called Wolfgang and Eddie Van Halen kept getting wankered on all the booze.

However, once he sorted himself out, Van Halen actually managed to properly reform – albeit with Wolfgang in tow – for their long-promised tour last September. And they were strong – playing their one song that everyone knows and some others night after night so well that not even an actual natural disaster could halt them.

Until now. The Van Halen reunion is off and, as UPI reports, it might be because Eddie's found the keys to the drinks cabinet again:

Although performances were lined up through April 19, TMZ.com cited unnamed sources as saying the band's hotel reservations are being canceled now that the rest of the tour has been scrapped. The band's last three shows were canceled as Eddie Van Halen is said to be having "issues," the report said. The rock icon, who spent time in rehab last year, has been in media headlines the last few weeks because his ex-wife, actress Valerie Bertinelli, is making the rounds to promote her new tell-all memoir.

Yes, there's nothing to turn a man to drink like a book by his ex-wife about how much he used to drink. But at least Eddie Van Halen's 'issues' didn't kick in for five months after the tour started, meaning that thousands of people got to hear Jump and then a bunch of other stuff that they jigged around to and pretended they knew so as not to let the band's feelings down.

And, if an alcoholic relapse did bring about this tour cancellation, then we wish Eddie Van Halen the speediest of recoveries, and hop he gets back to scheduling and then cancelling tour dates as soon as possible.

Read more:

Report: Rest of Van Halen tour scrapped - UPI 

For all the bluster yesterday that the Oscars would go on regardless of a continued writers' strike, it now looks like actors have got nowhere to get hammered afterwards.

The Vanity Fair Oscars party – probably the most prestigious Oscar night party held by a magazine specifically for actresses to get trollied on free booze because they're not as good as Cate Blanchett – has been cancelled.

It's a blow to the credibility of the Oscars and no mistake – with no Vanity Fair party to go to, Elizabeth Hurley's got nowhere to topple out of in front of some cameramen even though she's never been able to make a film that hasn't made us want to stab ourselves in the neck. Won't someone think of Elizabeth Hurley?

The Oscars, it's fair to say, are up in the air this year. And that's got everything to do with the writers' strike. If the writers' strike continues then the Oscars will go the same way as the Golden Globes with no stars attending, no clips of movies shown, no witty between-gong banter scripted and – worst of all – Atonement winning something.

But some are saying that the writers' strike will be over by the weekend, and if that's the case then the Oscars will be business as usual – full of trussed-up actors and actresses parading up and down a red carpet talking about what an important job they do as if they all worked down the mines. And even though half the stars invited didn't turn up, Monday's Oscar luncheon reflected this bullish 'business as usual' attitude with aplomb.

However, it's not going to be business as usual for the Oscars. And that's because Vanity Fair has decided to cancel its traditional Oscars party. E! Online reports:

"After much consideration, and in support of the writers and everyone else affected by this strike, we have decided that this is not the appropriate year to hold our annual Oscar party," the New York-based magazine said in a statement. "We want to congratulate all of this year’s nominees and we look forward to hosting our 15th Oscar party next year." A VF spokeswoman wouldn't say how much money the mag is losing by scrapping the party so close to showtime, but she said that much of the materials that have been ordered can be used next year. 

Like sandwiches, for example. They'll keep for another year. And over the next 12 months the giant ice sculpture of an Oscar statue ordered by Vanity Fair might warp and buckle until it starts to look like Danny DeVito on The View, but screw it. Those famous bastards don't know they're born anyway. 

So with no Vanity Fair party to go to, what's left for the celebrities to go to after the Oscars? Well, there's always Elton John's AIDS fundraiser – but who wants to think about something as mopey as AIDS when they've just won a sparkly golden man for memorising some words better than anyone else? And then there's the Governors Ball held by the Academy, but that just sounds like it'll be full of retired colonial bombardiers with gout. So that means that stars can either make their own entertainment or do an Eddie Murphy and bugger off home immediately after they don't win. 

Of course, the worst-hit by the death of the Vanity Fair Oscars party are the British breakfast TV presenters whose only job is to stand by the entrance of the Vanity Fair party and shout "George! George! Angelina! Keira!" at stars as they walk past ignoring them. Without the Vanity Fair Oscars party to cover, chances are you'll see them standing outside your local Argos on the morning of February 25 trying to interview a tramp because he looks a bit like Nick Nolte. Won't someone think of the tramps?

Read more:

Oscars Strike Out with Vanity Fair - E! Online