Syphilitic, limescale covered piss-rocker, Pete Doherty, has done us all a gigantic favour by getting in trouble which could see him getting five years in prison. Half a decade without his plodding, poetry-for-beginners, self-serving, bloated, pus-leaking indie dirge!
Just imagine!
See, this gasping berk who is the single biggest case for legalising Assisted Suicide (or ‘murder’ if you prefer) allegedly broke into a music shop during a night out, where he was invariably surrounded by sycophantic, libertine-tattooed simpletons in porkpie hats, with jaundiced skin and brown teeth, all egging him on to be the rebel that their middle class upbringing could never permit them.
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A fresh, rejuvenated, rehabilitated Amy Winehouse has made the difficult decision to cancel her entire European tour after the entire internet has spent the week laughing at her inability to perform a song that she wrote all by herself during a recent gig in Belgrade.
Confirmation came on Sunday that Ms Winehouse had cancelled performances in Istanbul and Athens. The singer had been due to perform right across Southern Europe as part of her triumphant, if understated, comeback tour.
The decision to can the remaining shows came after the thinking person’s Peter Doherty was booed at the Belgrade concert for slurring her words and appearing incoherent and… well… a little bit pissed throughout the performance.
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Foetid, seeping, singing pus-sac – Pete Doherty – has had his stinkin’ behind hauled into jail after being a complete waste of everybody’s time and energy. Of course, this cements his place as an artistic-martyr to the scum that follow this godforsaken warbler, all now destined to write awful poetry in their mildew riddled hovels.
That’s right folks! The Bedsore Bard has been hoiked out of civilisation toward the nearest clink where he can be beaten up for cigarettes and used as some kind of full-body masturbation tool for randy hooligans!
And all because he really likes having drugs about his person, despite the fact that the police are constantly tapping him on the shoulder for a quiet word. Will his 9 GCSE’s save him now?!
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Ke$ha, the insanely irritating popstar with a voice like a thousand nails on a blackboard, has seemingly grown something resembling a heart as she looks out toward to good people of Japan and thinks “you’ve really suffered enough”.
As such, she’s decided to cancel her upcoming tour of Japan after the country was hit with a catastrophic earthquake and tsunami.
While the country grieves and suffers continued quakes, they certainly don’t need to hear someone singing about ‘Glitter Puke’ or performing the immensely grating ‘Blah Blah Blah’.
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Boo-hoo. There’s going to be some hippie tears today as news has got out about the cancellation of Glastonbury festival 2012.
And why has it been cancelled? Have the organisers realised that it might be a bit rich to promote environmentally aware messages while being responsible for some insane pollution from the sheer amount of cars that travel to the event, not to mention the stars landing by helicopter AND the huge amount of electricity used on the million stages, falafel stands, bead shops and burger vans blasting out ropey dubstep 24 hours a day?
Nope. It’s because people who go to Glastonbury shit way too much. Read More >>>
Guns N’ Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.
Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!
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You’ve seen Scrubs right? Of course you have. You can’t move for episodes of Scrubs. It’s bloody omnipotent. Like repeats of Friends, it feels like you could hurl a handful of your own fecal matter up into the air and, chances are, it would land or backsplat onto a channel showing yet another dose of the kooky kookfest that is stinkin’, insufferable Scrubs.
Good news for mewing, haters like us is that it looks like the show is more dead than Fearne Cotton’s eyes. How do we know? Well, it’s come from a very reliable source, namely, Zach Braff. Yes, the spunky goof-chop that plays JD in the comical surgical wound programme has announced that the show is over.
Braff (which sounds more like a nickname for puking rather than a proper surname) broke the news on his Facebook page. Yes! We know! It’s astonishing isn’t it? Zach Braff can find time to stop staring at his own genitals in the mirror to find time to actually learn how to read and write! Read More >>>
If you happen to enjoy ridiculous television shows that can pointlessly tread water for three entire seasons, we have some bad news.
Prison Break is no more. Fox Entertainment President Kevin Reilly has decided that Prison Break‘s fourth season will be its last. This will no doubt come as a shock to the solitary homeless man who didn’t think that Prison Break got cancelled in 2006 anyway.
So Prison Break may be dying, but let’s focus on all the positive things it gave us – like Wentworth Miller and that hour a week where nothing good was on TV so we could read books instead.
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