But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.

When most people watched Van Wilder, their main thoughts were probably either “If this film doesn’t finish instantly I’m going to thumb my bloody eyes out,” or “Why am I watching a film that revolves around someone eating a doughnut filled with dog semen?” But not Scarlett Johansson.

When Scarlett Johansson saw Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder, she thought “Who is this sexy hunk of sex photographing a bulldog getting wanked off into some cakes? I don’t care if his face is obviously too small for his head – he must be mine!”

And now he is. By some absurd quirk that we’re going to put down to either brain damage or long-term hypnosis, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got married this weekend. People reports:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds made it official with a wedding this weekend, Reynolds’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, confirmed to PEOPLE. Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.

A remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver? Wait, that’s… isn’t that… all of Canada?

Anyway, this news isn’t a huge surprise, because Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got engaged back in April. Back then, however, they both made out that it was going to be a long, relaxed engagement that wouldn’t result in anything for ages – not that they were going to wait five months, then run off to get married down the woods.

But still, as inexplicable as this wedding is, at least both Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds can look each other in the eye and know that they’re both a step up from their last partners. That’s because one of the last women Ryan Reynolds was with was Alanis Morissette, and after he dumped her she wrote an album all about what a twat he was. And one of the last people Scarlett Johansson was linked to was Justin Timberla…

OK, no, we take that back. Scarlett Johansson hasn’t done very well out of this marriage at all, has she?

Hecklerspray has a quick test for you. Try saying the words ‘seal cull hunt’ three times very quickly without using the c-word.

It’s not easy is it? Well, it certainly wasn’t for one poor newsreader on Sky last weekend, who dropped a major clanger by mentioning the c-word live on air during a story about Canada’s annual seal cull. When describing the clubbing to death of seals, he accidentally lets it slip – quite forcibly – what he really thinks about people who cull seals.

Or maybe he just doesn’t like Canadians…or maybe it’s the seals he thinks are cunts.

Anyway, it somehow managed to make a very serious topic into a funny one. Well, they do say Sky are dumbing down the news.

Good spot by The Daily Goss