Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Justin Bieber is really begging for a little time in the clinker.? For a guy on probation, he has really been pushing buttons and just asking to add to his mug shot gallery.? Multiple fights, accidents, rumors of bribing Homeland Security.? It’s just non stop with this asshole.
Now, even Canada is over Bieber’s ridiculousness and has arrested him.? You have to be pretty shitty to get arrested in Canada.? I am almost impressed.
Pint Sized Canadian Pop Prince, Justin Bieber, really is the gift that just keeps on giving.
Fresh from “definitely” fathering a love child in a sweaty 30-second romp with a woman whose testimony is as reliable as that of Dr. Conrad Murray, Bieber has decided to, once again, showcase how empty the space between his ears is on national television.
Bieber?s lack of geographical knowledge was previously showcased on television in New Zealand, when he admitted, in a somewhat uncomfortable and borderline racist moment, that?they don't have the word German in America.
For a brief moment in Britain, everyone felt kinda good when Prince William and Kate Middleton (or The Duchess of Skelmersdale or whatever she is these days) got married. Not that there was a sense of national unity brought about by an old-fashioned state event.
Rather, everyone seemed to agree that the little car they drove around in was nice and that Pippa Middleton has a very pleasing arse.
Of course, this good feeling lasted all of about 30 seconds and everyone went back to wondering what exactly the Royal Family offer us. And in the build-up to an official trip to Canada, one politician decided to vent spleen in their direction in a volley of abuse that is almost hecklersprayesque in quality and pettiness.
There’s nothing worse on this earth than being so scared to leave your own home that you sit inside eating biscuits, drinking tea with rum in it and writing snarky articles on the internet to compensate for the bitterness you feel in other people’s success.
Well, aside from being a hecklerspray, writer where our existence is punctuated by near-constant beatings and humiliation based around one’s ability (or inability) to compare Robert Pattinson to a skirting board or to liken Calvin Harris to having all the charm of a gaping shrapnel wound.
It’s a tough life, but not as tough as Justin Bieber’s. The Canadian boy with the voice as smooth as one of Isaac Hayes’ wet dreams but containing the thinly-veiled, saccharine sex references usually held back for an orgy at a Tate & Lyle factory, has stated that he’s scared of his own fans. That’s a real pity actually, because they love him so much that they’d be willing to kill to be with him. Or near him. Or sniff his hair. Or have him look at them, even in disgust.
Scarlett Johansson – one of the most beautiful actresses in the world who could literally take her pick of any man alive – has just got married.
But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.
Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.
Hecklerspray has a quick test for you. Try saying the words ‘seal cull hunt’ three times very quickly without using the c-word.
It’s not easy is it? Well, it certainly wasn’t for one poor newsreader on Sky last weekend, who dropped a major clanger by mentioning the c-word live on air during a story about Canada’s annual seal cull. When describing the clubbing to death of seals, he accidentally lets it slip – quite forcibly – what he really thinks about people who cull seals.
Or maybe he just doesn’t like Canadians…or maybe it’s the seals he thinks are cunts.
