But sadly John McCain isn’t having any of it. Instead, he’d rather use My Hero by Foo Fighters which – while probably a better election song that Eghhh (EGHHH) because it doesn’t have a seven-minute death-jazz intermission played on a contraceptive diaphragm – has annoyed Foo Fighters no end.

John McCain’s use of My Hero has enraged Foo Fighters so much that they’ve launched a furious rock n roll riposte – they’ve written a really bloody strongly worded letter about it. In fact, Foo Fighters have really laid the law down – if John McCain plays My Hero one more time, they’re going to call the flipping council about it or something. Just you watch them!

When a person runs for office in America, it’s important that they pick a campaign song. The song helps to set the tone of the campaign, plus it means there isn’t an awkward two-minute period while the politician shuffles to the podium in the middle of the stage in deathly silence. Would Hitler have lost the war if he’d picked something like Ooh Baby I Love Your Way (Every Day) by Big Mountain as his campaign song? Doubtful.

However, one person who’s been having trouble picking a good campaign song is Republican presidential nominee John McCain. Well, actually that’s a lie – John McCain has found loads of brilliant songs for his campaign, but the trouble is the bands who recorded them get super shitty every time he uses them.

So far, both Heart and Jackson Browne have asked John McCain and his running mate Sarah Palin to stop playing their songs on the campaign trail, but now John McCain has met his biggest foe yet – Foo Fighters.

You see, because John McCain is such a hero that he basically single-handedly inspired the flashback scenes from Rambo he decided that the only appropriate song to use is My Hero by Foo Fighters. After all, that’s about, um, a heroin addict blowing his chops off with a shotgun, and that’s, um, sort of, um, appropriate?

Anyway, Foo Fighters aren’t taking this lying down – they’ve issued a statement explaining exactly why John McCain using My Hero in the election is jolly well not on. BBC News reports:

The band said in a statement: “The saddest thing about this is that My Hero was written as a celebration of the common man and his extraordinary potential. To have it appropriated without our knowledge and used in a manner that perverts the original sentiment of the lyric just tarnishes the song.”

These poor Republicans can’t catch a break, can they? First everyone from Diddy to Madonna has lined up to bash Sarah Palin, and now Kurt Cobain’s beardy drummer has decided that he doesn’t like John McCain? No wonder he looks like he’ll lose the election now.

Anyway, the best way for John McCain to steer clear of any more trouble like this is to only use songs by people who haven’t complained about him yet. So, in that respect, we think that leaves McCain with a choice between My Old Man’s A Dustman, I Am Woman Hear Me Roar by Helen Reddy and the theme-tune to The Benny Hill Show.

We know which one we’d pick – all three.

Still ranked by many as the ‘funniest thing ever’ and ‘really, really good’ and earning a hell of a lot of money for the people involved in it, Jerry Seinfeld obviously thought he could rest easy.

At least until a movie about a bee came about, which was clearly what he’d been waiting for all his life.

But now it seems the star of the sitcom with the bloke who drops the ‘N’ bomb on stage wants some more money – that has to be the reason, as agreeing to star in adverts for Microsoft isn’t something you do for integrity’s sake.

No, if reports are to be believed, agreeing to star in adverts for Microsoft is something you do for $10 million. The campaign is planned for the Fall (which is still called Autumn over here) and will see Seinfeld starring alongside the big man himself, Bill Gates.

No details have been confirmed beyond that, but we would wager the ads will be along the same vein – or a counter to – the awful, awful, awful Mac vs PC adverts of the other year. You know the ones – ‘oh, I use a computer to be cool, not for actual functionality – I’m a Mac!‘ and the rest of the bullshit they decided to cram down our poor, weak throats.

And lest we forget the British versions of the ads, which ruined the credibility of David Mitchell and Robert Webb.

Though, to be fair, they’ve now decided they’re happy to whore themselves out to any company that wants to sell anything ever, providing their stupid voices in exchange for cold, hard cash that they probably use to fund transport to their next recording studio, where they can then record another shitty advert that no one cares about.

Ahem…

Anyway, the hope is that Seiny-F will be able to slam some kind of ‘credibility’ into the ‘brand’ or some other marketing spiel. Speaking to CBS News, Brian Steinberg, television editor for Ad Age, said:

“Seinfeld does represent sort of a challenge. He’s not Dane Cook. He’s got a more sophisticated everyday take on things. He often comes across as a questioner of conventional wisdom but also can be kind of a crank. It’s a fine line to walk when you’re dealing with a younger person.”

A fine line to walk when dealing with a younger person would involve hitting them with a brick if they wanted to see Dane Cook in anything, ever – surely? Well, maybe not a ‘fine line’ – more ‘the right thing to do’.

Expect to see the credibility-destroying adverts aired towards the end of the year, and expect idiots to then believe that Microsoft are cool. These will be the same people that thought Macs were good, and not actually useless machines invented for particularly idiotic children. As we all know they are.

Plus didn’t Seinfeld have a Mac in his apartment in the show? And, in fact, we’ve just found (thanks to commercial-archive.com) out that Jerry Seinfeld once advertised Macs back in the early 90s. Look.

It’s a favourite word of ours, but still: integrity?

That is, unless a cosmetics company decide to make you white. Then you kind of fall down on part of that description.

It would seem that the make-up behemoths at L’Oreal may just be the types to force this kind of change on the young diva, with claims being made that Beyonce’s skin tone has been lightened for a magazine ad. The company dispute these allegations.

You know – ‘whitening’ things up to make them more palatable to the masses. They did it with every other element of black culture – the music, the clothing, the lingo – why not start trying to make black celebrities white too?

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard with it – but it’s Friday, and hecklerspray has some drinkin’ to get done. It’s maybe not as bad as that.

No, it doesn’t appear to be L’Oreal’s version of ‘ethnic cleansing’, more the result of a dodgy photo editing job.

The advert in question shows Beyonce after she’s done one of those hair dying things that girls seem to like so much – 100 per cent grey cover and all that. When the advert image of Bouncy is placed next to any other picture of her, it’s clear to see there’s something not quite right

She looks a bit Michael Jacksoned, frankly, with lighter skin and fairer hair. And it’s a bit frightening.

The claims – which began on everyone’s favourite website TMZ – were quick to be refuted by L’Oreal Paris. They said:

“We highly value our relationship with Ms. Knowles. It is categorically untrue that L’Oreal Paris altered Ms. Knowles’ features or skin tone in the campaign for Feria hair color.”

Which is all well and good, and it’s not like us to be disbelieving of a multi-national corporation like this, but… well – just look at the pictures. While it may well be true that the company had no idea they had ‘whitened’ Beyonce, it cannot be denied that she looks a lot more like a white chick than she normally does.

Which conjures up awful, awful, awful imagery of a possible Wayans Brothers sequel. Something surely not out of the question with the re-makery on show in Hollywood today.

Seriously, Heather Mills hates cows' milk so much that yesterday she went to Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner specifically to slag it off. Obviously, Heather Mill's attention-seeking rant was part of her new Viva vegan campaign that says global warming would reverse instantly if you stopped eating lasagne – but luckily Heather has an alternative plan for anyone who'll find it hard to become vegan straight away. Heather Mills wants you to start squirting rats' milk into your lattes from now on. And as devoted Heather Mills fans, that's what we're doing – in the office now we have up to a million rats strapped into Saw-style torture devices that do nothing but drain every last drop of milk from the rats' agonised bodies.

It's what Heather Mills would have wanted.

It's becoming clear to us that Heather Mills has a definite animal hierarchy in her head, and she's not afraid to tell the world which creatures are better than the others. Up until yesterday we had a vague idea of Heather's animal rankings – pigs were top because Heather likes pointing at them, then nude Germans, then mink because Heather likes wearing coats made from them, and then paedophiles, the only animals who mustn't be spoken about unless you're doing an impersonation of a distressed dolphin.

But what this hierarchy lacked was a top animal and a bottom animal. But thanks to Heather Mills' crackpot turn as the voice of vegan organisation Viva in Hyde Park yesterday, that's become perfectly apparent. The bottom animal is the cow, because of its role in global warming. And the top animal is the rat. Because rats sure do make delicious milk. 

Following the release of her disability-mocking Viva adverts, Heather Mills took to Speaker's Corner yesterday to deliver her pro-rat sermon:

"It's mad that we are having cows' milk. Even cows don't drink it after [the age of] one year, but we continue for ever. There are fields and fields of grain just miles from starving children in Africa being shipped to Europe to feed our livestock. There are 25 alternative milks available in health shops and supermarkets. Why do we not drink rats', cats' or dogs' milk?" 

Now, we're no experts, but we think we know why people don't drink rats' milk – and that's because it's fucking rats' milk. But, though we mock, we can completely see Heather's point here – not only are rats smaller than cows, so they take up less room when they're being milked, but their lives are ultimately more worthless than a cow's life, so you can tear the rat-babies straight from the mother-rat's womb and start milking them trapped in tiny boxes until the day they die and nobody will really care. Plus when you're done with them you can fit like 25 of them into a shoebox and throw it in a river.

Obviously, though, if people did start drinking rats' milk, Heather Mills would be the first person banging a drum and wearing anti-rat billboards outside the Rat Milk Advisory Board headquarters yelling about inhumane it all is. But, hey, just because Heather Mills is the sort of person who'd campaign for the ethical treatment of hairdressing equipment if it got her an inch of publicity, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take this rat-based campaign seriously.

After all, Viva says that livestock produces 18% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions, making it the second-largest source in the world.

True, the largest source comes from all the claggy soybean and tofu farts that vegans constantly pump out of their malnourished arses, but we'll skip over that fact for now.