Hey! Think about this. Get a really good image of it in your mind. Get it really clear. Think of the juices being swapped between two consenting adults. Think of the grunty sex noises. Okay? Got there?
Now, imagine Cameron Diaz and Sean “Diddy” Combs doing it proper with each other.
Doesn’t make any sense does it? You just can’t imagine it now. All those vivid images have dissipated into the ether with a confused shrug. However, this is real life. Someone has seen them slobbering all over each other. It must be real. It has to be real.
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You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.
Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.
After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it’s arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised “Hang on a second. This woman’s dimples aren’t cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We’ve all been duped!’ and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.
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Let’s get one thing straight. No-one, but no-one, likes a worthy teacher film. Nothing brings up the traditional blogger’s lunch of White Lightning and pocket fluff into a hecklersprayer’s gullet quicker than watching some earnest nonsense where some skinny blonde chick like Mickey Piffler changes the lives of a gang of murderous children simply through wearing jeans and riddling Shakespearean sonnets with F-bombs.
Oh Captain, My Captain? Oh Come on, My Chuffin’ arse, more like.
So you’d think a film like Bad Teacher – a film that takes that concept and shoves a Molotov cocktail up its fundament – would be something appraoching perfection. But unfortunately, the filmmakers have not entertainingly flipped their Dangerous Minds. Instead, they’ve got the DVDs of charming Jack Black softy-comedy School Of Rock and not-so-charming little-person-abuse-comedy Bad Santa, ground them together into carcinogenic dust, and sprinkled it all over Cameron Diaz’s cougar mum.
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Gutted. Not long into their relationship, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez’s relationship has ended. Alex who? Well, all you need to know is that he looks like The Rock, only if The Rock was a vagabond in the desert, living off the flesh of cactuses and the powdery bone-marrow of those which had died there.
Basically he’s like The Rock but thinner. And single. Very, very single.
Of course, this is devastating news for us all because, as you know, everyone on Earth is required to take part in the ‘Diaz Minute’, where the world is unified for one moment where we all down tools and reflect on how great she is. We sit on our special Diaz Beanbags and quietly ponder about her happiness and we hope that, in her already painfully luxurious life, she’s greedy enough to be happy in love too. She isn’t. She’s probably crying in her kitchen now, surrounded by empty cans of treacly super-strength beer.
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Good news, people who still care about Cameron Diaz despite countless reasons why you shouldn't – it looks like your girl's got herself engaged.
Cameron Diaz has been seen out and about with a gigantic diamond ring wedged right onto her wedding ring finger, prompting speculation that she's going to get married to Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Exciting!
Only you should probably dismiss that notion, because Cameron Diaz's people have said that she isn't engaged, and that the ring she was seen waving around so furiously recently was an old ring of hers that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger in public.
So maybe Cameron Diaz is engaged and maybe she isn't. One thing's for sure – we genuinely couldn't care less about any of it either way. Hooray for us!
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P Diddy is a very wealthy man. Wealthy enough, in fact, to get us to pose for several embarrassing pictures with 1,000 severed crocodile dongs.
We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.
May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.
Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.
Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.
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P Diddy is a very wealthy man. Wealthy enough, in fact, to get us to pose for several embarrassing pictures with 1,000 severed crocodile dongs.
We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.
May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.
Seriously – picture her there smirking - especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.
Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we've stumbled across several evidences to prove it.
It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz.
First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.
It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.
Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.
Fucking men!
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