Uh-oh! Caroline Flack is getting received death threats from Harry Styles’ fans after it was revealed that the pair have been on some dates. What is it with young women and their penchant for sending death threats?

WHY HAVEN’T WE HAD ANY? DO WE HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH A YOUNG MAN TO DO SO?

On that point, it appears hecklerspray is the only publication willing to point out that it is incredibly sinister the way adult women feel it is perfectly fine for them to fap over a bunch of 10 year old singing boys. Never mind death threats, how about some police involvement here?!

Aaaanyway. Where were we? Oh yes. Death threats. The Xtra Factor presenter and the One Direction boythrob have been bumping uglies, despite the fact there’s a 36-year age gap between the two.

Of course, fans of 8-year-old Harry (calling themselves Directioners because they don’t want Beliebers to have the monopoly on collective nouns for simpletons) aren’t happy about the fact that they aren’t the ones tearing the young singer a new cock-hole.

And so, they’ve taken to twitter.

A source says:

“Twitter just went mad. People have been saying really horrible things. Caroline’s really shaken and upset.”

And that’s just from spending time with the dreadful, grabby Olly Murs. One message said:

“If caroline flack flirts with my boyfriend (Harry) I will personally hunt her down and shoot her.”

HURRAY! We’ve got a new Mark Chapman. Another message said:

“I want to kill you Caroline Flack, Harry is mine Bitch”

Someone else sensibly pointed out:

“Caroline Flack is 32. She should be settling and ready to have kids not dating them.”

Of course, the ironic thing here is that Harry and Flack aren’t doing anything untoward at all. Flack took to her own twitter account to say:

“Hi one direction fans! To clarify. I’m close friends with harry. He’s one of the nicest people I know. I don’t deserve death threats. x”

This has prompted Harry to come to Flack’s aid and try and help her through this difficult time. You know what that means? There’s a grief-shag in the offing and you mental Directioners have gone and forced them together with some twisted remote Stockholm Syndrome.

WELL DONE YOU.

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One Direction fans really are something to behold, they can almost out crazy the cult of Beliebers in terms of random Twitter outbursts about anything and everything their icons do.

OMG! HARRY IS PICKING HIS NOSE! I TOTES LOVE HIM!

That’s the sort of thing you can usually expect from them. But now they’ve hit a new low and actually managed to ruin the launch of a brand new top of the range DSLR camera from imaging giants, Canon.

You see, this week Canon announced the latest model in their flagship line, the Canon 1Dx.

Photographers around the world salivated at the tech specs and professed their undying love and desire for the new model on Twitter.

But the joy shortly turned to disgust and outrage as all hashtags and searches for Canon 1D related tweets were hijacked by ill informed tweens, positively gushing with adoration for their favourite X-Factor rejects.

Where once their was discussion about ISO sensitivity and a greater FPS shooting capacity, there lay praise that someone had finally made a One Direction branded camera, because that’s what the people (and by people we mean teenage girls and creepy middle aged women) really want.

Once the last horses finally crossed the finishing line, well after the photographers had bolted back to Flickr, messages such as “That awkward moment where you realise the Canon 1D has nothing to do with 1D,” were tweeted and re-tweeted and re-tweeted again, to the sound of Canon’s Digital PR manager shooting himself in the head… probably.

Canon have remained surprisingly tight lipped on the matter, although a source hecklerspray spoke to said that the wall of silence is due to fact that no one is actually that sure about who One Direction are, or why they have so many fans on Twitter.

So, there you have it, One Direction fans are officially too stupid to know when to shut their mouths.

Either that or they were paid off by Nikon.

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Rapping isn’t easy. Your average hip-hop track has an album’s worth of words, which across the whole of a hip-hop long player, is an astonishing amount of lyrics and themes to tackle. The best switch between styles, influenced by reggae toasters, jazz scats and some even invent their own envelope to push.

However, there’s a whole host of really rotten rappers out there who spit the prose in the most clunky, rhythmless manner. It’s pretty bad when you, a bona fide hip hop superstar, can be outrapped by The Anfield Rap.

No matter though! You would-be superstars of hip hop need not worry because we have a list of dreadful MCs to look at so you can learn from their mistakes. Avoid what they do, and you could be the next Tyler the Creator or Rakim!

But first thing’s first. How do you rap fast?

Well, nerd-hop superstar in the making, Watsky, has got together with a goat in SanFran and delivered a super quick advert for the Samsung SH100 in what may well be the fastest how-to guide ever made.

Basically, it’s a dinky device which is WiFi enabled, so you can snap and share your awful photographs really easily. Almost like a mobile phone.

So, here’s our nerd-hop star rapping really quickly about a camera. With a goat.

So, you’ve seen someone rapping really speedily. What about the slowest of the slow? Well, if you think we’ve missed any out, feel free to swear at us in disgust in the comments. Here’s our pantheon of lame.

Shaquille O’Neal

Shaq was under the illusion of greatness when he performed ‘I Know I Got Skillz’. That may well have been true on the basketball court, but on the mic… well… see for yourself.

Dee Dee Ramone

More ill-advised than Shaq was the Ramones’ Dee Dee who, under the name Dee Dee King, made one of the most hilariously awful rap records ever. Not only that, but his voice sounds less like an easy, rhythmical flow, but rather, Cartman in a headlock.

Kanye West

Kanye is a slow, slow rapper. This is underlined in this friendly freestyle battle with Mos Def. Watch Mos’ polite laugh and praise as Kanye trips over his ego and tongue repeatedly.

Mr T

Ah, Mr T. The archetypal bad rapper. Perhaps this is the worst tribute to mothers around the world, ever.

Turbo B

“I’m the lyrical Jesse James” cried Turbo B of Snap! Jesse James was shot in the head while dusting by a man with TB who topped himself in a tent. Mad skillz.

Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle

Sports stars should rarely sing. This Chicago Bears rap is probably the worst of the bunch (only marginally pipping this atrocity from Basil Boli and Chris Waddle). Just kick back and drink all this in.

Nelly

He had a band-aid on his face. This signified that his brain was held together by sticking plasters, hence the rap prowess of someone on a ward, coming out of heavy sedation.

Soulja Boy

Perhaps the slowest rapper of them all and, mystifyingly, a gigantic success. Honestly, no offence intended, but he raps like Marlee Matlin.

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The great Reading Festival ticket rush is right around the corner, which is causing people of no discernible music taste to wet themselves with glee while the rest of us look on in astonishment that this festival manages to sell out year after year.

The Reading and Leeds festivals are one of those bizarre anomalies that perplex music fans the world over. How can a company put on a festival with weaker line-ups, higher ticket prices and more problems than we’re legally allowed to mention and yet continue to draw a huge demand for tickets?

The answer is obvious. Hipsters.

For many of our hipster brethren, Monday will go like this:

Wake up at about 10 and eat an ironic breakfast before donning a checked shirt, some skinny jeans, some bright Nike high tops and one of those Mongolian hat things like that Dappy fella from N-Dubz wears. Grab the lomo camera you picked up in Urban Outfitters, sling it in your unisex courier bag then grab your fixie bike with the unfathomably short handlebars and cycle dangerously towards your Shoreditch based media hub.

After several hours of posing, listening to some obscure band none of us will have heard of, blogging, not eating and drinking a lot of black coffee, head back home and anxiously wait for that magic moment when Reading tickets finally go on sale.

Your stomach is in knots, you HAVE to be there, not because of any of the bands that are on the line-up. Hell, they won’t have even announced the headliners before tickets sell out. No, you have to be seen there, it’s the place to be, the place that will ensure everyone looks at your instagram page and follows you on twitter, giving your pathetic existence some shallow sense of meaning.

Then comes the rush. The clock hits 0 and all hell breaks loose. The ticket sites crash almost instantaneously and you scramble through forums looking for the magical backdoor links that take you straight to the ticket purchase page. But what’s this?

All the forums have hidden the links behind password protected private forums. OH NO!

Looks like you’ll be resigned to sucking someone off behind Netto because they maybe, possibly, might be related to the neighbour of someone who used to be married to that bloke that works in Festival Republics PR department.

The rest of your night will be spent seething as those social networks you spend all day looking at (even though they’re like so totally mainstream and you only have an account because you were into it before everyone else) fills up with statuses from your friends and fellow bedroom DJs/Artists/Photographers/Social Media Experts (delete as appropriate) about how they managed to get tickets and it’ll be so totally LULZ.

Welcome to the death of music. Reading Festival is thy name.

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Thanks to your hideous face and your tremendous amount of chins, there’s a good chance you’ve spend many hours trying to make your Facebook profile pictures look half decent.

You continually try to fool people into thinking you’re actually good looking. Or funny. Or popular. hecklerspray knows your pain. Collectively, we look like the contents of a melted doll factory.

And so, in what is clearly an advertorial where you can win stuff, why not put all that time and effort into good use and get free stuff from Uncle Sony?

Sony are prepared to give away a load of their lovely NEX-5 cameras in exchange for your hideous face.

No, they don’t want you to cut it off and post it in a jiffy bag, but rather, upload your wonderfully crafted Facebook profile photo.

The Profile Hero competition allows you to upload your picture into one of 5 different categories, or all of them if you really think your picture is that special.

However, it isn’t as simple as that. You have to collect votes to win, with the highest-ranked picture in each category winning an NEX-5 camera (worth £549) each week.

The NEX-5 is designed for people who want something better than a standard compact digital camera but don’t want a gigantic SLR which will make them look like a hipster. It’s worth pointing out that the quality of snaps is pretty much up there with the latter.

If the thought of a free camera isn’t enough to get you going, the picture with the most votes at the end of the 4-week Profile Hero competition wins a luxury trip for 2 to Rome, plus an extra NEX-5 camera for the winner’s holiday pal, which is nice isn’t it?

The categories are pretty much what you’d expect, with chances for family pics, sporty pics, solo pics, travel pics and party pics. Presumably, anyone displaying a pouty, duck-face snap from a night out will be roundly mocked by all concerned. If not, they should.

The competition runs for 4 weeks, so you have plenty of time to crop and chop your profile pic collection into winning shape. Or make you look even vaguely human.

Click here to enter and win things!

Kanye West lives in a world where once he achieves a certain meditative state, wondrously graceful pixies fly in through his open window and whisper unconventional rap lyrics into his ear. A little pink one named ‘Ice Cream’ whispered all of Gold Digger to him once when he fell asleep on the toilet.

We have this all on good authority. We wouldn’t publish it any other way.

When West is getting that springtime fresh pixie breath whispered into his ear – well we bet nothing has ever felt better. When he’s not though – that’s gotta just bring him down. He definitely didn’t have any magical fairy friends with him when he grabbed a photographers camera, lifted it way over his head and then threw it to the ground as hard as he possibly could.

This was all caught on tape by the way – video tape, to be exact.

Kanye West went and got himself arrested. While incarcerated we understand he decided to finally make something of himself by going back to school, and majoring in refrigerator repair.

You see, West was in an airport recently when a photographer started snapping pics of him. Kanye was displeased, and he smashed the photog’s camera until it was broke, broke.

It’s thought that what sparked the rapper’s rage wasn’t the fact that pictures were being taken, but that the picture taker was eating a Whopper while doing so. He hates Big Macs too. He also hates whatever Wendy’s main sandwich is, and he can’t for the life of him understand why someone would opt for an inferior burger when the one’s he’d gladly make you are fortified with so much more essential nutrients and iron.

We don’t understand it either Kanye. We also don’t understand why you’d go on such a weird rampage when you’re clearly surrounded by paparazzi with video cameras flashing little red dots in your general direction.

TMZ owns one of Kanye’s unfortunate victims, that’s why they are in the perfect position to describe the scene:

“You see Kanye (in a gray hooded sweatshirt) and his bodyguard/road manager (in the red) grabbing the camera away from the photog. It appears the bodyguard, Don Crowley, gets the camera and Kanye gets the lighting component. Crowley smashes the camera to the ground and Kanye does the same with the light.

“Erik, our camera guy, then comes closer and the bodyguard then comes up and wrestles his camera away, ultimately breaking it. As we first reported, both Kanye and his bodyguard were arrested for vandalism. They’re both being held on $20,000 bail.”

Taken at face value it looks like West is acting astoundingly villainous. What you don’t know is that the photographer who suffered the brunt of the attack had just been mocking all of West’s feeble attempts to end kiddie porn forever, bring peace to Georgians and to prepare a landing pad way up atop the Mount of Olives.

See, such mockery is something we just couldn’t stand for either.