We’ve been to Camden a few times. It’s an experience to say the least when you leave the tube at Camden Town.

Stand still for long enough and the local addicts will quickly assume you’re a dealer.

Camden is also the spiritual home of Amy Winehouse, Sarah Harding and unfunny man Noel Fielding. Not only do you have to be content with sharing a postcode with these people, but you also have to put up with the hundreds of copycat children who don jeans so tight that their right testicle will explode from the pressured circulation. But prepare yourself for some LA glamour – Paris Hilton’s coming to town.

In LA, the fashionable elite eat organically steamed celery and slurp double skinny vanilla lattes with extra froth whilst walking round with miniature dogs that crap in their Gucci bags. Over in London, it’s less glamorous as punters can be seen eating kebabs made from the remains of rat and road kill whilst stepping over drunken tramps.

Why Paris Hilton wants to leave LA for London is beyond us. Perhaps she wants to see what happens when a couple of snowflakes fall and the entire city grinds to a halt. Maybe she’s filming a new TV show called Paris Hilton’s Weather Extremes.

Sadly, we won’t be seeing Paris chase tornadoes as she desperately tries to recreate her childhood dream of filming a scene from the film Twister. Unfortunately she’ll have to be content with buying lime-flavoured lollies from an ice-cream man who’ll no doubt want to cover it in red sauce.

Because most people in America see Paris as an annoying and pointless human being, she’s widened her search for a new best friend to England. Or most likely London due to budget restraints. And now she wants to come here for good, as a source told Digital Spy:

“Paris started looking for a base when she was last in the UK to film her ITV2 reality show, Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend. She initially thought about living near Hampstead and Belsize Park, but moved on to Camden, where she could get more bedrooms for her money.”

Near Hampstead? Maybe she could visit the heath and organise a play date with toilet frolicking George Michael. Not only would she keep him from doing anything dodgy in a public toilet, but she could at least bag herself a Gay British Best Friend.

If everything does go wrong with the show and Paris fails to find a best friend to exploit her fortune, there are alternative career paths for her. London is full of seedy back alleys full of places that dirty old men visit. With an established porn career behind her, Paris can open up her own whore house!

Imagine the flickering broken neon light as it displays one of the multiple names that she could call name her knocking shop. Whore Do You Think I Am? A Taste Of LA and Tit For Tat are just some of the names that are screaming out to be taken.

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Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

A Scotland Yard spokeswoman said yesterday:

“A 24-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of assault after attending a central London police station by appointment.”

The attacks supposedly occurred in the early hours of Wednesday morning – the exact same day she was revealed to be the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’.

It’s a sequence of events that has no doubt got Mary Whitehouse shitting all over herself as she spins violently in her decently decorated, stinking, whingeing grave.

Add to this the fact that, earlier in the week, Amy was nominated for no less than three Ivor Novello Awards, and it all adds up to one of the most successful periods of her young life.

If hecklerspray had a week like that we’d be out on the town immediately, straight down to Camden to sample the plethora of class-A delights available to you on any given corner.

Go for it Amy! You deserve it.

Read More – Amy Cautioned Over Alleged Assault – Sky News