Northern Ireland is a strange bit of the world to visit. For starters, they call underpants ‘gonks’. Secondly, they still have a man sat in a broom cupboard introducing Coronation Street. He’s called Julian and we’re told he’s the only official homosexual in the North of Ireland.
Apart from Julian, Niron had a brush with another superstar, this time, Rihanna. She was filming a video in a corn field in Bangor.
However, things took a turn for the filthy when Rihanna got her breasts out, causing an incident with a local farmer… and you don’t mess with Northern Irish farmers or you might end up in a shallow pit covered in lime, just behind the shed filled with contraband machine guns.
Read More >>>
There’s nothing worse on this earth than being so scared to leave your own home that you sit inside eating biscuits, drinking tea with rum in it and writing snarky articles on the internet to compensate for the bitterness you feel in other people’s success.
Well, aside from being a hecklerspray, writer where our existence is punctuated by near-constant beatings and humiliation based around one’s ability (or inability) to compare Robert Pattinson to a skirting board or to liken Calvin Harris to having all the charm of a gaping shrapnel wound.
It’s a tough life, but not as tough as Justin Bieber’s. The Canadian boy with the voice as smooth as one of Isaac Hayes’ wet dreams but containing the thinly-veiled, saccharine sex references usually held back for an orgy at a Tate & Lyle factory, has stated that he’s scared of his own fans. That’s a real pity actually, because they love him so much that they’d be willing to kill to be with him. Or near him. Or sniff his hair. Or have him look at them, even in disgust.
Read More >>>
Katy Perry and Calvin Harris have started having a massive spat on twitter after the tallest Scottish musician who has ever lived decided to cancel some shows with her at the last minute. Something of a godsend for everyone concerned really.
Of course, Harris taking on Perry is hilarious in itself. Some two-bit teeny-raver tackling one of the biggest popstars on the planet is a little bit like watching a cheese-slice trying to brawl with a black hole.
Perry ought to be careful as he might run on-stage with a pineapple slice stapled to his face. Harris should be careful of Perry might set her husband on him to bum him so vigorously that Harris becomes a walking arse-wound (not to mention the dread of having Brand’s sex-noises and constant chatter in his head).
Read More >>>
Usually, we only serve to tell you about celebrity mishaps and insane behaviour. Yes, it may well be a rare thing, but occasionally, we report news that everyone can benefit from – but today is one of those days!
So break out the vintage fizzy pop as we proudly announce the retirement of Calvin Harris from the live circuit!
For us cynical moody gits, we’ve never been fans of Calvin Harris and his penchant for post-modern, ironic student-friendly dance music that seems perfectly made for annoying commercial radio. Read More >>>
Remember The Tings Tings? Those two who are probably shagging but not telling anyone about it? Those that sang “they call me Maureen, they call me dipshit, they call my Cyril, they call me galling, they called me thingy… that’s not my name!” Them? They’re coming back.
Yes indeed. The Ting Tings are bringing out a new single called ‘Hands’, on October 11th and the track has been mixed by Calvin Harris.
He’ll probably have a small breakdown about the whole thing on Twitter and then run at someone with a piece of watermelon stapled to his eyelid or something. Read More >>>
Right and wrong.
Folded:
- Flashback by Calvin Harris (the definition of a ditty. Annoy yourself for liking it)
- Halloween: Vampires (only really frightening if you fear teenagers)
- Burger King ‘Tub Burger’ (or ‘Windows 7’ according to the PR. Looks delicious)
- Zombieland (shouldn’t be compared to Shaun of the Dead, but it will be. Plus, whisper it, it might be funnier too)
- Give in to Twitter (join late; you’ll be glad you did. What with this and Facebook, and even MySpace if you’re really bored, you need never work again)
Creased:
- Pork Pie hat (don’t be tempted. Trust us, you can’t wear one. Only Popeye Doyle can)
- TJ Hooker (Shatner as a police PT instructor? Even his stuntman doesn’t look credible)
- Fight For This Love by Cheryl Cole (Cole as Natasha Bedingfield, only blander. That’s right, blander)
- Halloween: Clowns (what do you mean they’re not scary? Pennywise? Tim Curry? TIM CURRY!)
- Quest (Dave for explorers)
Calvin Harris may be a lot of things but a good musician slash DJ is not one of them.
So it comes as very good slash nice news that, on route to the UK from the US, baggage handlers lost the baggage that happened to contain a laptop on which the only copy of his second album was stored.
If God existed we would thank him right now.
Read More >>>
