No matter what Dancing On Ice does in the future – even it somehow finds a cure for Piers Morgan – it will always be remembered for Todd Carty wobbling about on the rink like a drunk trying to stand up on a lilo in a pool.

Maybe that’s because the celebrities hired for the show are so eye-poppingly poor that no-one ever really manges to recall a full memory of the show… and the new series looks like it’ll be no different.

That’s because Vanilla Ice and Calum Best are being lined up to take part in the Strictly Come Ice Skating show, as well as a whole other bunch of no marks.

Of course, this isn’t the first time either of these slebs have appeared on reality/format TV. Vanilla Ice is no longer famous in our collective heads as being the man who rapped “Ice ice baby”. That’s in part, thanks to the Halifax now claiming it as their own, prompting people to clench their fists so hard their knuckles go white and their finger nails drop-off.

No, Vanilla Ice (real name: Something really amusing) is only famous for his appearance on The Farm where he hilariously got his arse handed to him by an irate Paul Daniels who shouted at him ’til his ears evaporated.

Best, of course, is famous for sticking his penis into various women despite being of No Fixed Talent. He, of course, appeared in Celebrity Love Island, bearing witness to Paul Danan’s staggering and numerous nervous breakdowns, which in a way, we really should applaud him for.

The other rumoured participants on the show are equally grim.

There’s been mutterings that Kerry Katona, Jonathan Wilkes and Tim Westwood have been lined up to skid around an ice rink on their ears. If these all transpire to be true, then by God, there’s a chance that this could be the worst/best programme ever aired.

Just think of it. Westwood and Vanilla Ice talking each other up before breaking numerous bones live on our television sets.

Wonderful.

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Remember when MTV used to be remotely hip, cutting edge and worth watching?

The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.

Lindsay Lohan got a huge career boost when she went topless for a magazine, so just imagine the boost she'll get from a video of her with her gob wrapped around Calum Best's dirty fudgestick.

That's right – it looks as if Lindsay Lohan's gone and got herself one of those new fangled sex tapes.

Although the reports of a Lindsay Lohan sex tape are based on just one blurry frame of a woman who looks a bit like Lindsay Lohan doing a blowjob on a bloke who might be Calum Best, that's still enough for everyone to confidently assert that a Lindsay Lohan sex tape exists. And who are we to disagree with evidence like that?

Remember when celebrity trends used to involve dressing minuscule dogs up as sailors and carrying them around in handbags? They were happy times. Now the latest celebrity must-have seems to be video evidence that some dude's jizzed inside your mouth, which admittedly is a little less practical for formal red carpet events.

A day after the Kristin Davis blowjob pictures were revealed and a couple of hours after those naked pictures of that woman we've never heard of were revealed comes the most high-profile possible celebrity sex tape of them all – the Lindsay Lohan sex tape.  

Sure, you've seen those naked Lindsay Lohan photos from New York magazine – but they hardly count. Taken by an esteemed photographer? Based on an iconic piece of popular culture? In a highbrow publication? Bugger off, that's just about the least sexy thing we've ever heard of. Grainy footage of Lindsay Lohan chowing down on Calum Best's man-meat, on the other hand? Now that's so sexy that we think our brain might dislodge from just thinking about it.

Which is lucky because, as Metro reports, that's exactly what the Lindsay Lohan sex tape consists of:

Footage has been cirling the internet which reportedly shows Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best engaging in a 'sex act'. A number of websites have shown pictures which allegedly show Lohan performing oral sex on Best while the couple were an item last year. It was reported that the pictures are from a mobile phone video filmed by Best, which he then sent to friends and has since been put online. One website quoted a source saying Lohan is 'freaking out because she can't remember it being filmed'.

Who'd have thought that Calum Best – a man, remember, who happily admits that he's a wanker – would be cruel enough to leak a Lindsay Lohan sex tape to the world? Oh, actually, wait, the answer's in the question. Perhaps a more apt question would be 'what is it about self-centred dipships with premature male pattern baldness does Lindsay Lohan find so weirdly erotic?'

Anyway, this is all just speculation, because nobody knows how genuine the Lindsay Lohan sex tape is. For all anyone knows it might be a Meg White sex tape-style hoax. And we're actually hoping it is a fake. Not because we care about Lindsay Lohan or anything, but because of Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. Does the Lindsay Lohan sex tape count as taking place in the year it was recorded or the year it was released? We're trying to stick to an officiated scoring system hear and if this Lindsay Lohan sex tape is genuine then we need answers or else the whole thing will be in jeopardy.

Also, if the Lindsay Lohan sex tape is real then we should really let her know that there are methods to stop yammering on about yourself that don't involve shovelling a cock into your mouth. Just a thought. 

Read more:

Lohan and Best in 'sex tape' – Metro