The southern California coyote population seems to be working itself well-away from the brink of extinction.

This is good news, as just three months ago they’d been diminished by the encroachment of man to a population of one. It lived in a multi-level parking garage just off Sunset Blvd.

Luckily for devoted coyote enthusiasts everywhere, Sasha (that’s was the one coyote’s name. His mother was from Russia) saw the direness of his predicament, and vowed to increase his people’s population through improved diet, and a mass fertilisation of everything he ever came across.

That improved diet, by the way, included celebrity lap dogs – like the ones recently eaten right out of Paris Hilton‘s backyard.

In our opinion P. Hilton shouldn’t be raising small dogs. She should adopt all those drunk elephants she cares so much about. Elephants are a far superior pet, you know. They self-clean, they’re far too big for coyotes to sneak away with in their mouths, and they pay for themselves by way of those beautiful ivory tusks.

But Hilton chooses not to invest in pachyderms, which is foolish because it’s just throwing away guaranteed money. Instead she chooses to fill her backyard poop bucket with the faeces of like 17 small dogs.

Better make that 15. Two just gotten eaten by coyotes who may or may not have been out on a sacred Indian right of passage. X17Online‘s got the scoop:

“We are sad to break the news that Ms. Hilton lost two of her most beloved pets in an attack by a coyote that came down into her neighborhood during the night. Unfortunately it’s a common occurrence here in LA where homes in the hills meet with wildlife in their back yards. A source tells X17 Paris was “devastated” and that she’s been crying about it non-stop.”

Well at least one dog was spared such a horrible fate.

hecklerspray‘s sources tell us this attack is extremely unusual as most coyotes observe a pretty strict vegetarian diet. The confusion seems to have set in because Hilton’s two dogs were sunning on the back deck with a green facial mask and cucumber slices where their eyes should have been.

Also they were resting in a nest made of cabbage and smelled of tofu-bacon.

That actually sounds pretty good. Throw in a fruit cup and we’ve half a mind to eat them ourselves.

You’d think we’d be bored of Miley Cyrus coverage by now.

Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

There will be 5,000 invites available to anyone that can afford them/can be bothered/is a bit of a mental stalker and all proceeds will be donated to Youth Service America. So not only will you get an expensive, private day out with your best friend Miley Cyrus (she doesn’t know who you are) and 4,999 other people, you get to help five-to-25-year-olds who help people too. It’s win-win.

But why, oh why would a girl just turning 16 want to go somewhere like Disneyland? Well, probably because she’s a girl just turning 16. It makes sense when you think about it. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, our favourite child that gets almost-naked said:

“It’s gonna be an awesome party with more than seven things I like. It’s gonna be totally awesome. I hope it’s a great time… I love roller coasters, so this is my ultimate birthday. I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more.”

First: what the hell is she talking about with this ‘more than seven things’ malarkey? Is one of those things she likes ‘getting half-naked in a disturbing fashion and having the pictures spread all over the internet’? Second: hanging out with fireworks? What? Is that some new fad that all the kids are into?

Anyway, the seemingly mental Miss Cyrus went on:

“The best part of the party is we’re going to recognize some really cool kids from Youth Service America who are giving back to their community. That’s so awesome because I think it’s really important for kids like us to volunteer.”

So at least there’s something nice coming from it, even if we do actually turn up and ruin things by getting drunk and clogging up Space Mountain with sick, by doing a poo in Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin or by demanding Miley gets off with Katy Perry when we’re at a particular low point.

Regardless of the destruction hecklerspray would bring on through excessive amounts of bodily fluids, at least there will have been a charitable donation along the way, so no one can complain.

Those who care enough can go here to get the tickets, which are available from August 30th. We probably can’t afford flights over if we’re honest, but if someone wants to pick up some cheap travel for us then we’ll happily go – we’ll even take photos and everything.

Well she’s finally gone and done it – at one time she was one of hecklerspray’s mainstays, attracting thousands through our doors with the mere mention of her name.

Now she never does anything exciting – never gets her bits out after a night on the lash (or even intentionally), never gets into public spats with other drunken little girls – she doesn’t even get hit by motorbikes any more. Yes folks, Lindsay Lohan has become a great big pile of dull for us to cover here at hecklerspray towers. We mean, sure, her sister is attempting to whip up some controversy, thus making us all smile, but it just doesn’t have the same effect.

Lindsay just had something about her that made you laugh even harder when she did something completely moronic.

And now, if reports are to be believed, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is going to get married to her partner Sam Ronson. Oh, for those in the dark, that’s ‘Sam’ as in ‘Samantha’. Lindsay decided she preferred girls, then went dull. It’s always the way with old friends, isn’t it?

When we reported the apparent engagement of Lindsay and Sam all the way back in May there was a lot of speculation surrounding the story, with some pretty baseless info being thrown around. A classic Lohan story, in other words. And in the fine traditions of hecklerspray, the wedding reports are being handled in exactly the same way, with numerous ‘sources’ and random news sites being consulted for the prime-rib info on the matter.

As well as to check whether she’s gone and got naked while pissed up and set fire to an orphanage or something. Just for old time’s sake, you know?

But no – this would appear to be a new Lindsay Lohan. One very much in love with her femi-beau Sam Ronson and one happy to declare her love in a private ceremony later this year, after California overturned its ban on gay marriage.

Wait – “private”? See, with this new Lindsay we could believe that, but then sources have told the media that:

“They’ve been keeping the relationship quiet for months and trying to pass each other off as ‘just good friends’. But they’ve decided it isn’t a fling, it’s for life – so they want to make their romance public. Dina is still working on the date of the party but it’s looking like towards the end of the year.”

Yes kids – Dina Lohan is organising it. Does anyone else want to place bets on how private this whole thing is actually going to be? Put hecklerspray down for ‘not very’.

Hopefully Dina can put some of her ever-present pushy mum influence into the ceremony and we can have the very public, very embarrassing event that we are all clearly hoping for, with a drunk, stumbling Lindsay slurring about threatening to fight lamp posts.

Not that we’d wish any ill health or unhappiness on the girl, obviously. We’re just quite bored without her being herself.

The most exciting event in Big Brother history has just happened.

Unfortunately, the incident happened in America and not in the UK where so far the most exciting thing to do for viewers is count how many times Luke mentions the £100k cheque.

We’re always told that things don’t go truly mental until the series kicks off, gets into its stride and sees housemates go quite mental. Sadly the UK version is halfway through and still as exciting as pouring vinegar over your own open wounds.

Consequently we’re switching to America for some entertainment. Quite literally we’re thanking God for turning the equally boring show into something worth watching. Fear not, we’ve got a video of it as well, after the jump.

Was that exciting or what?

Honestly, we’re going to constantly play that video whenever the UK version gets dangerously boring. Actually we may have to that right now. Rex is taking about his restaurants, Lisa’s blabbing on that she possesses gypsy powers, Darnell is inappropriately swearing and Kat is singing. Absolutely no change at all there then.

But if you were wishing for some Big Brother housemates to perish in a pit of rubble you’d be disappointed. The earthquake that measured 5.4 on the richter scale only lasted around fifteen seconds – not enough to make a Hollywood disaster movie on the events, but surely enough to make someone traumatised for life.

It wasn’t just reality show morons that were affected by God’s mighty decision to shift the earth, with stony-faced Judge Judy also feeling the true power of the space magician himself.

How Hollywood copes with all these earthquakes we don’t know, but it does make us wish that the UK had some sort of natural disasters to spice things up. Boring football matches would be made a lot more interesting if comets were hurtling towards the pitch.

Or what about making the banker from Deal Or No Deal a bit harder? It would make the contestants less thrilled, to say the least, if they knew there was the chance of picking a box with no money, instead offering a chance at death via a one-on-one gladiatorial conflict. It would certainly ramp up the pressure, that’s for certain.

God, if you are reading hecklerspray as you normally do, can you send a plague of flesh eating termites to the UK Big Brother house? Now that’ll make decent television.

(Yes, we’re quite aware that’s two stories covering one earthquake, but come on! Footage of these reactions is priceless!)

It must be great being this ‘Tila Tequila’ thing, even if we’re still not really sure who or what it really is.

For one you get a dating show on MTV all about how you’re wacky and bisexual – what ker-azyness – and then you get to tell the world you’ve single-handedly changed it, giving gay couples the rights they deserve.

It’s an audacious claim, that’s for sure.

See, this ‘Tila Tequila’ thing is claiming she/he/it was instrumental in the recent decision of the Californian government to drop its ban on gay marriage. Tequila is claiming that her TV show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila broke down boundaries, brought people together and quashed all prejudices around the whole of the west coast state. As she said to USMagazine.com:

“It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement”

Not content with this simple, ridiculous claim, the spirited one went on:

“Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

What we at hecklerspray don’t understand is, if it were so simple to get this change to come about, why didn’t Tequila do something earlier? Or why didn’t she inform the legions of campaigners for gay rights that there was a simple, affordable, MTV-based way in which they could achieve equality?

We’re guessing it’s because she’s full of hate, just like Katherine Heigl. Or maybe she was just too dumb to realise how much she could really make a difference in this world, taking on all comers and fighting injustice. Like a modern day Captain Planet. Except female. And less blue.

So what does this pint-sized progenitor of social change have planned next? Might we suggest she takes to the streets of Baltimore in order to redress the appalling social imbalance on display. Or she could head to a local Klan meeting and convince the morons present to change their racist ways – so long as MTV were ready to fund it, of course. But no, Tila is doing something altogether unexpected:

“I think maybe I will fall in love in Africa.”

Hopefully California will overturn its ban on marrying continents too, then.

You know what’s hotter than lesbian sex? Lesbian sex rendered listless and infrequent by marriage!

And it turns out that’s exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because – thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage – Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married.

With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they’ll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can’t wait!

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are a match made in heaven. OK, maybe not heaven. They’re a match made in a disturbing pervert’s pornographic daydream, which is kind of the same, except all the harps are made of dildos. Possibly. Look, we’ve confused ourselves now. Start again.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have been a couple for four years now, which in Hollywood terms is about twelve billion trillion jillion years. However, due to a law forbidding gay marriage, Ellen and Portia never got to make their union official with a kneejerk, barely thought-out marriage to each other that had divorce written all over it right from the get-go like their heterosexual Hollywood counterparts were able to.

As well as denying them the chance to cynically sell their marriage pictures to whichever tawdry celebrity magazine offered them the most money, the ban on gay marriage also left Ellen and Portia without the legal protection afforded to other couples in the event of one of them injuring themselves or dying. But not any more.

Now that the same-sex marriage ban has been overturned in California, Ellen DeGeneres has expressed her desire to marry Portia de Rossi as soon as possible, as People reports:

Ellen DeGeneres plans to wed longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi, according to several reports. DeGeneres made the announcement Thursday, according to the Associated Press and TMZ. The news came hot on the heels of a judicial ruling that struck down California’s laws against gay marriage. De Rossi, 35, was reportedly in the studio when DeGeneres – who just celebrated her 50th birthday – made the announcement before a cheering audience.

We couldn’t be happier for Ellen and Portia, because this means that the next time they break a dog adoption contract and then bawl TV as a way to make themselves look like the victims until their slack-jawed viewers start trying to kill animal hospice workers as a berserk irrational revenge then, um, they’ll be doing it as a married couple. We’re sure that makes some difference one way or the other.

But we know what you’re thinking – if Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will get married, then what about that other high-profile lesbian Rosie O’Donnell? Well that’s a bit more tricky, partly because Rosie’s marital status is somewhat up in the air after she married her partner four years ago in San Francisco only to have it voided by the California Supreme Court six months later, but also because she’s Rosie O’Donnell. Would you want to marry her?

Read more:

Ellen and Portia to Tie the Knot! – People

It must be awful being deaf in jail – if ever a yell of "Jailbreak!" went up, you'd just carry on sewing mailbags oblivious to all the fun.

And that's what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.

And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We'd like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown's hair-pulling range.

When celebrities get put in jail, quite often they're released again after a couple of hours. But that's only because celebrities tend to break the law in silly harmless ways like violating their probation or driving into oncoming motorway traffic on drugs. But Foxy Brown didn't do any of that fun stuff, much to her detriment.

What illegal stuff Foxy Brown did do, in fact, was so numerous that we can't even be bothered to list it all here. Needless to say, beauticians have been kicked and that woman's still pulling number-pads out of her face. And that's why Foxy Brown was saddled with a one-year jail term in September. 

And what a slog it's been so far – first Foxy Brown was locked up in solitary and now she's not even allowed to hear stuff. Apparently the on/off deafness that Foxy Brown sometimes experiences has flipped itself to 'on' and Foxy Brown claims that she needs an important trip to California to save her hearing forever.

Sadly, though, the judge don't care for that ho-skank's ears much, as E! Online reports:

A New York judge has denied the rapper's request for a premature end to her yearlong jail stint in order to travel to California for an ear examination and possible repair of a troublesome cochlear implant. Attorney Laura Dilimetin argued that Brown, who first made public her hearing issues during a 2004 court date, required the services of specialists at the Los Angeles House Clinic, the center where she received her initial treatment for the sudden hearing loss. Prosecutors, however, said the "Chyna Doll" artist could just as easily make do with more localized medical services and called the request, which included a four-page letter penned by a "terrified" Brown, a "desperate and frivolous petition."

Yeah, stick that Foxy Brown! You'll have to make do with those dirty-fingered New York ear doctors who use hotdogs instead of medical instruments! That's good enough, surely – it's either that or you spend the rest of your life listening to an upsetting and unpleasant atonal squeal that makes you want to vomit.

Unless you decide to turn your new album off, that is.

Read more:

Foxy Gives Judge Earful, Gets Denied - E! Online