caitlin cronenberg - HecklerSpray

Robert Pattinson Takes Kristen Stewart On Dull Tour Of Surrey

September 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Look! LOOK! Look at the faces of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Stare at them. Try and force the image to stay in your mind. You can’t, can you? You’ve forgotten what they look like already, even though you’re still staring at them!

Jesus H. Balls, these people are dull. They’re criminally dull. They’re so dull that they could have sex in the street and everyone would mistake them for a sleeping policeman.

Want proof? Robert Pattinson has taken Kristen Stewart on a date. A date in Barnes in Surrey. To a cafe. What a wretchedly tedious couple they are.

Robert Pattinson Still Massively Dull While Giving A Guitar To A Tramp

September 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson. A man so boring that he can stare at a bag of peanuts and they’ll wither into Sun-Pat before his lifeless eyes. A man so criminally dull that air turns stagnant when he wakes up in the morning.

And so, in a bid to show us that he has some personality, he’s gone and done a good deed.

While in Los Angeles – the town where even the roads are made out of a silicon – R-Patz bought a tramp an acoustic guitar, leaving the tramp glaring at this hollow figure thinking ‘money, food or Special Brew would’ve been nice, you ingrate.’

Twilight Fans! You Can Look Like A Corpse On Your Wedding Day, Just Like Kristen Stewart!

August 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Oooh! Wedding dresses! They’re amazing aren’t they! The average woman will buy three in her lifetime, tying the knot with men who are wise enough to hire something and give it back without forking out all that hard-earned money (which of course, they’ll spend on their mistresses).

And the wedding that real saps are aching for is the pretend one that will take place in the next Twilight film! It’s going to be amazing seeing two lifeless turds being joined in some unholy matrimony.

But what about the dress? What does a corpse bride wear? In the case of Kristen Stewart’s character in Breaking Dawn, she’ll be sporting a Carolina Herrera gown, which probably means something to the terminally single who compile worrying dream-wedding scrapbooks. AND YOU CAN WEAR A CORPSE WEDDING DRESS TOO!

Robert Pattinson Deemed Too Boring To Play The Lifeless Corpse Of Jeff Buckley

August 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Look. Look at Robert Pattinson. Jesus Christ. How boring can a human be? He’s so terminally dull that light often refuses to reflect off him, leaving him a walking shadow, slowly chewing sandwiches that contain nothing more than margarine and tedium.

And so, it comes as little surprise that he hasn’t been chosen to rock ‘n’ roll corpse, Jeff Buckley in a biopic about his life.

It is very likely that casting types repeatedly fell asleep when reading Pattz’ CV, smacking their heads on the desk so often that they’re all now in a special Pattinson Coma Ward in a Los Angeles hospital.

Dripping With Gunk, Robert Pattinson Is Or Isn’t Going Behind Kristen Stewart’s Back With Caitlin Cronenberg

June 30th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Its a good job that Robert Pattinson is good-looking. He wouldn’t be famous otherwise would he? Here, we have a young man with all the personality of a whisk and the acting prowess of a SCART lead. Yet, time and time again, he’s rumoured to be having it away with some pretty thing behind Kristen Stewart’s back.

This time, the rumours surround someone called Caitlin Cronenberg. She’s the daughter of movie director David Cronenberg, which must be nice for her.

And while this rumour kicks in, a million teenage gussets dampen at the sight of Pattinson covered in goo… all over that oddly assembled face of his… just imagine licking it off. WWWWURRRRRGH! SEXUAL FEELINGS IN OUR LEGS!