On Friday, Big Brother said goodbye to Cairon. Farewell Cairon, we barely knew ye.

Which is just as well, really, because you seemed like a massive turd. But good luck with the rest of your life. And good luck with that whole ‘pretending to be American’ thing. We’re sure you’ll end up being at least partially convincing at it one day. But with Cairon gone, what else has been going on in the Big Brother house?

We’re not completely sure, but here’s what we think of Marcus, Angel, Karly and Siavash anyway…

Marcus – For the first week or so of Big Brother, it looked like Marcus was playing the classic ‘head down and gun for third place’ strategy. But it was always fairly obvious that someone that odd – with a haircut that impossibly terrible – wasn’t going to be able to keep a lid on his madness for very long. So that’s why it wasn’t a complete surprise when Marcus used this last week to out himself as a handsy pervert with a crippling comic book fetish who lives with his mum, seems to have a vocabulary that won’t stretch beyond the words ‘tits’ and ‘vibe’ and probably hasn’t ever seen a female woman in the flesh before. Combined, these facets of Marcus’s personality have created a bona fide nutcase. He’s already freaked out most of the girls in the Big Brother house by continually asking them to disrobe for him, and at this rate it’s only a matter of time before he goes rifling through someone’s underwear drawer with his face. However, his alienation from the rest of the house won’t be too much of a problem for him, because Marcus sees himself as a lone wolf. He’s not a wolf, though. He’s a bellend.

Angel – We’ll admit that we don’t know too much about this Angel chap, because he’s been keeping himself pretty much to himself lately. He talks in this inscrutable Russian accent all the time, too, which is a problem. However, we can feel ourselves starting to warm to Angel for a couple of reasons. Firstly, on Thursday, Angel decided to make a sort of engine noise with his mouth by humming and slapping his lips together for no other reason than because it really annoyed everyone else in the Big Brother house. And he wouldn’t stop doing it, no matter what they did. This sort of deliberate provocation sits very well with us, and we now want Angel to succeed at everything he attempts. Also on Thursday, if you needed to be convinced any further, Angel threw innocent young Sree against a wall, apparently in an effort to rape him. This was brilliant because it prompted perhaps the best anti-rape struggle in the history of the world – culminating in a kind of pained, impassioned “No! I’m happy with my life!” For these reasons, we think that we’ve started to want Angel to win Big Brother. Well done, sir.

Karly – Up until now, we’ll admit that we’ve been ignoring Karly a little. This has been because she is blonde girl with big boobs whose entire life’s ambition seems to be getting on the cover of Nuts magazine – which makes her identical to Dogface, but Dogface is more interesting because her hair is blonder, her boobs are bigger and the extent of her ambition seems to be even more jaw-droppingly vacuous. However, in recent days Karly has been trying harder to carve out an identity for herself within the Big Brother house, and that’s why we’re focusing on her today. What is this identity? Well, we now know that Karly is the girl who looks like Fearne Cotton would if her life had gone very, very wrong at an early age. Also, Karly is Scottish to such a pointless degree that she says ‘betch’ instead of ‘bitch’ which is amusing purely because of her determination to repeat it as much as she possibly can. Lastly, Karly is the Big Brother housemate with Chinese symbols tattooed down her spine – tattoos which, we suspect, translate to ‘I’m a massive twat who probably thinks this says something profoundly spiritual. It doesn’t. It says I’m a twat’. Mission accomplished, Karly.

Siavash – Siavash has an incredibly hairy bottom. That is all.

Later this week – who’s been nominated?

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Wow, Big Brother‘s fascinating this year, isn’t it? Oh, don’t nod and pretend you’re watching it this year – nobody else is.

So for everyone who’s studiously avoiding the show, here’s what’s happened on Big Brother so far: Krogface (yes, we’re sticking with the Krogface thing even if nobody else is) might have had sex. The Russian one stopped eating for a little while. And, oh, what was that other thing? Oh yes, that’s it – nothing else happened at all.

This week, Big Brother will evict either Halfwit or Cairon. Who goes? Nobody cares. But let’s take a look anyway…

Halfwit – Two weeks in and Halfwit has already been nominated for eviction from Big Brother twice. That wouldn’t be a particularly great record to have at the best of times, but on this year’s Big Brother – where the competition is made up of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, The World’s Dullest Homosexual and a Russian who’d probably edge Joseph Stalin out of the top spot in terms of ability to irritate – that’s really got to hurt Halfwit’s feelings. It seems as if the other Big Brother housemates dislike Halfwit because he’s so proudly intellectual. Or because he’s an endlessly smug bastard with the most punchable face in the history of reality television. It’s hard to tell. Either way, Halfwit seems to have connected with the fraction of the public that still watches Big Brother, so his position is probably safe for the time being.

Cairon – Cairon, on the other hand, is the hot favourite to be evicted tomorrow night. It’s clear to see why – he’s so busy strutting around the Big Brother house calling everyone “jive-ass monkey-humpers,” or whatever it is he says, and generally giving off the impression that his ultimate goal in life is to become enough of a racial stereotype to have Samuel L Jackson play him in the eventual movie adaptation of his life that he’s forgotten to actually be nice to people. So let’s just assume that Cairon is on his way out of Big Brother. That’d make him the second black housemate in a row to be evicted from this series, and the third non-white housemate. Is this a reflection of the BNP’s comparative success in the recent European elections? Or is it simply because everyone on Big Brother this year is a hopelessly unlikeable bellend who should, by rights, be fired out of a cannon into a brick wall, regardless of the order in which they’re evicted? We wish we cared enough to think this through properly.

Next week: More of this Big Brother nonsense.

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Big Brother can be odd. This time last week we were peeved because there was a Sophie, a Sophia and an Saffia in the house.

But now? Now Sophia has been evicted for being the world’s most awful munchkin, Saffia has walked – presumably to hunt for her long-lost personality – and Sophie’s been renamed Dogface. It almost makes us wish that all the other Big Brother housemates were called variations on the name Sophie too, because then they’d all leave at once and we’d be happy again.

Anyway, here are the awful sods who’ve caught our eye on Big Brother this week…

Sree - So far during this series of Big Brother, Sree has emerged as The Sensitive One. And by sensitive we mean SENSITIVE. Say you were carrying a tub of vegetable oil naked through your garden one summer morning, and you slipped on the lawn, covered yourself in the oil and knocked yourself unconscious. And say the sun was so bright that you developed the worst case of full body sunburn mankind had ever seen. And then say you were woken up by your evil neighbour bombarding your red-raw, blistered body with millions of paintball pellets filled with concentrated vinegar. That’s how sensitive Sree has been in the Big Brother house – sensitive enough to whine and moan and complain and yap about every single tiny thing that happens to him. We couldn’t say whether or not Sree will be nominated for Big Brother eviction this week, but we can state fairly confidently that if he’s still a Big Brother housemate by around week seven he’s probably going to snap and end up stabbing everyone else with a kitchen knife while screaming “WHO’S THE BOSS NOW? WHO’S THE BOSS NOW?” Just a hunch.

Cairon – Cairon says that he’s black, and he says that he’s from America – but has anyone actually checked? Because it sort of strikes us that he behaves like a white chap from, say, Berkshire who just tries really really hard to appear black and American, basing his impersonation solely on what he read in a copy of The Daily Mail from 1994 that his parents had been using as carpet underlay. Get Cairon angry and he’ll stalk around the Big Brother garden cussing everyone else out using nothing but the words that Radio 1 edits out of hip-hop songs in the daytime. Plus he does beatboxing, for crying out loud – something that’s only every done by gangly European Caucasians and geeky-looking Asian girls. YouTube it. We’re telling the truth here. Plus we’re sure that we heard Cairon call somebody ‘homie’ the other day. Black people don’t say that. Fred Durst says that. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this, really they do.

Kris - Kris isn’t your average Big Brother heartthrob – he doesn’t look like he spends 90 minutes each morning GHDing his eyelashes, for starters – but pickings is thin this year, so even though he looks like a one-man bring-your-own-clown-wig Jethro Tull appreciation convention, it looks like Kris is the boy totty of 2009. And, christ, doesn’t he bloody know it. We’re just over a week into Big Brother and already Kris has zeroed in on the housemate with the biggest knockers and started trying to ram his tongue into her mouth at any opportunity. And, bewilderingly, she’s let him. That’s right, Kris and Dogface – we may start calling them Krogface before too long – are in the middle of this year’s first Big Brother romance. And with an eternity remaining before the series is over, does that mean we’ll get to see any Big Brother sex? The answer is – who cares? Thanks to the internet we already know exactly what Dogface looks like naked, so to realistically replicate any Kris/ Dogface sex, all we’d need to do was print off one of her pictures and then roll a fistful of arse-pubes around on top of it for a couple of minutes in a self-regarding and ultimately disappointing way. Which we’ve done, by the way, and it was rubbish.

Later this week – the Big Brother housemates nominated for eviction. And stuff.

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Big Brother started on Thursday night, right? Wrong.

In actually fact, if you want to be bewilderingly petty about it, Big Brother only started last night. Because last night, the final housemates were given official housemate status. True, that meant saying goodbye to Beinazir, but we’re sure she’ll go on to have a bright future. Those Subway signs don’t hold themselves up, you know.

So now we know who the final Big Brother housemates are, the ‘fun’ starts here. Let’s take a look at the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye so far…

Noirin – Along with Rodrigo, who is so completely identical to Kenneth from 30 Rock that we now truly believe he sees people as Muppets, Noirin was the first Big Brother contestant to be granted official housemate status. Why? Because she shaved her eyebrows off and drew a pair of glasses on her face with marker pen. For many people that would be humiliating, but not Noirin – in fact, her tenacity was something to be applauded. “I’ve come this far already,” Noirin said through gritted teeth, seemingly putting the act of auditioning for a TV show that ran out of interesting people seven whole years ago as a level of bravery up there with with self-amputating a frost-bitten appendage with a jagged tin can in the middle of a disaster-prone Everest climb. And for that alone, Noirin, we salute you.

Sophie & Karly – We’re lumping Sophie and Karly in as one Big Brother housemate for the time being for the following reasons: 1) They’re both blonde, 2) They’ve both got big knockers, 3) They both look like they’d be genuinely stumped if someone asked them to spell their own names, and 4) If they haven’t posed on the cover of Nuts magazine standing together topless with their boobs touching by October, we’re literally going to eat a hat. In fact, neither Sophie or Karly need to win Big Brother, because their future as low-rent soft porn Television X preview presenters is probably already in the bag. But it was nice to see on Thursday’s Big Brother launch show when Sophie and Karly instantly gravitated to one another purely because they look alike. We were hoping that some of the other housemates would use the same networking tactic, but that didn’t happen. In Siavash‘s case, we assume that this was because none of the other housemates were heavily-sedated grizzly bears who’d been dressed up to look like Jesus by a medically-diagnosed cretin with cataracts.

Lisa – Oh Lisa, you gone and done tricked us, didn’t you? There you were, with your tattooed head and piercings and obvious lesbianism, looking like you’d destroy Big Brother from the inside out with your anarchy and mistrust of authority, and it turns out that you’re essentially quite a nice person. Look, we’re going to warn you once here, Lisa, and only once. Big Brother is no place for people who look like they know how to think. Your days here are going to be numbered, young lady, unless you knuckle down and do something more in keeping with your fellow housemates. Like, say, walk into a window again and again for 45 minutes wondering out loud why the air is so hard, or try and speak a normal sentence but get confused halfway through and just end up crying and dribbling down yourself, OK? Either that or out yourself as J from 5ive in drag, since that’s who you clearly are.

Kris – Kris would appear to be the male totty in the Big Brother house this year, which is a bit of a shame because he appears to be one of the Jonas Brothers in a Rod Hull tribute wig. But let’s go along with it anyway – Kris is sexy because his name is deliberately spelt wrong and his main competition in the sexy boy stakes is an over-privileged young Conservative with a funny hat and a name that’s now legally Halfwit. Who will Kris’s first inevitable Big Brother fling be with? The obvious choice is either Karly or Sophie, but we wouldn’t rule out Noirin just yet. Or Rodrigo, for that matter. A boy’s got needs, after all. Anyway, we’re convinced that Big Brother is going to wait until Kris is certain that he’s this year’s heartthrob, and then drop in a better-looking male housemate for no other reason than to destroy his self-esteem. It’s what we’d do, anyway.

Cairon – And then there’s Cairon, who achieved official Big Brother housemate status by putting a biscuit in some tea for about 20 seconds. This series is going to be non-stop excitement from beginning to end, isn’t it?

Later in the week: more of this Big Brother nonsense.

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby‘s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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