In the UK, to win any sort of talent show, you need a gut-wrenching tale that will pull everyone’s heartstrings. Or if you’re Leon Jackson from X Factor, you should just burst into floods of tears every other minute to guarantee success.

The first winner of Britain’s Got Talent – Paul Potts – overcame his eating addiction to pies/ small children/ chips and replaced Pavarotti as the world’s favourite fat tenor.

Earlier this year, pint-sized mover George Sampson boogied on down to win £100,000 and a stint at the Royal Variety show. However, instead of us all learning how he trained long and hard to win, we got to hear about the crippling illness he battled against and how his father abandoned him. Why is it that no-one in this bloody country can win anything without having some horrid flashback about being attacked by trolls?

Thankfully, it’s up to our American friends to be proud of whom they are. Take this lady for example – Busty Heart. Sounding like a B-movie pornstar she takes to the stage and uses her weapons of mass destruction to destroy some tin cans and pieces of wood. Watching her do so almost sends us in to a hypnotic trance.