business - HecklerSpray

Ten Things We’ve Learnt From Last Night’s Apprentice

August 6th, 2012 By Robin Darke

We?d like to say that seeing another group of self obsessed diehard Conservatives hog our TV?s for the next twelve weeks will be torture. We?d also like to say that seeing them get into every possible problem when dealing with sausage rolls/balloons/bread (delete as appropriate) won't make our funny bones tingle with what we can only presume osteoporosis feels like.

We?d also like to say that seeing the man who resembles a distended scrotum playing God with people?s lives isn't a thrilling act of voyeurism.

But we can't. From start to end The Apprentice is a fantastic hour of TV that, if nothing else, reminds people from the North that people who want to better themselves by fannying around with Profit and Loss sheets and ?marketing? will ultimately get slapped down by a man who's hair could grease enough frying pans to make a million bacon sandwiches. And make him into the modern day equivalent of Jesus and his Amazing Fish Trick.

The Apprentice Returns With A Cast Of Socially Retarded Business Enthusiasts

March 14th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Think of big businesses and most people will be drawn to images of fat cat bankers rubbing their genitals with ?50 notes and generally having a better time than anyone. Hated by society, there is at least one teddy bear like businessmen we all wish was giving us financial advice.

That's right; it's none other than lovable tyke Lord Sir Mister Alan of Sugar.

As a child wheeler dealer, his greatest achievement to date has been the contraption we all know and love, the combined e-mail phone device called the [email protected] That product has of course been a success story to all our lives.

Mark Wahlberg Could’ve Stopped 9/11 From Happening Like Some Stupid Looking Superman

January 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?

Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.

So what did he say?

Young Apprentice Review: Evil Maths Cocks It Up

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Maths. That most hated of subjects for millions of schoolchildren every year. It's truly evil. And last night, it proved that its terrifying evil grip extends beyond the classroom and into reality TV, as Lord Sugar found himself having to fire four people at once because somebody somewhere had forgotten to match the number of candidates to the number of weeks they're on air.

You?d think that one of Lord Sugar?s minions can count, wouldn't you? But it seems that millions of pounds can't buy you competent staff or stop simple maths from cocking up your reality TV show.

And so Lord Sugar found himself with six children, and only two spaces in next week?s final. His solution to this problem? Popcorn.

Young Apprentice Review: Posh Harry Goes After Girls

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

The stench of Lynx. The smell that strips paint off walls and causes everyone's eyes to water. It's only ever been found to have one use, and that's letting you know that a teenage boy is on his way.

Clearly though, it's a market Lord Sugar wants to get in on, because this week he wanted his teenage oiks to create and brand a new deodorant. And to then make a TV ad for it. To tell them this, he inexplicably appeared on a giant screen at Wembley Stadium, which seems a bit ostentatious to us (small penis).

But then we were distracted by Lizzie?s incredible naked trousers, so maybe we simultaneously missed the point and became horrific would-be child-molesters.

Young Apprentice Review: Lewis Misses the Point

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Just before last night?s Young Apprentice started, the BBC?s voice-over man promised us that it was like the Generation Game. He lied. It was absolutely nothing like the Generation Game. There were no cuddly toys, and no poor attempts at pottery, and definitely no Bruce Forsyth.

It turned out that he just meant that the teams had to try and sell things to the over-50s market, the lying bastard.

Before this week’s task started, Lord Sugar met his child-slaves at the Natural History Museum. They all thought they were doing something to do with old stuff, which was a joke that was dragged out for about 20 years. Really though, we were just amazed that the Dark Lord made them go all the way there and then didn't let them even go see the animated T-Rex. Does he not realise he is dealing with CHILDREN? And that everyone loves the T-Rex?

Young Apprentice Review: Young Love is Disgusting

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Young Apprentice. It's a bit mean, isn't it? Taking a bunch of kids away from their parents, turning them against each other, mocking them on national TV and then killing them off one by one. If hecklerspray had a heart, it?d break. But we don't, so we just find it entertaining.

But last night, it looked like Lord Sugar had some level of guilt for destroying 12 young lives, as he started the day and the episode by sending some lovely flower to the house.

Unfortunately for the Apprentice Brats, he then remembered how irritating they were, and had to desperately backpedal. And so, the floristry task was born.

Young Apprentice: Posh Harry Is Better Than You All

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar evidently had second thoughts about putting a bunch of teenagers in a house together, and decided to scare them all into NEVER HAVING SEX.

No, he didn't direct them all to lemonparty; he made them hang around lots of babies as they developed a product for the parent and baby market.

Luckily for Lord Sugar and the teenage pregnancy rates, none of the Apprentice Brats seemed to quite understand what babies were, or where they came from. Over with the girls, Gbemi put herself forward for project manager because she's got a 9 year old sibling. Either her sibling has some serious problems, or she's missed the point of babies.

Young Apprentice: The Future is Doomed

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Here at hecklerspray, if there's one thing we hate more than people, it's teenagers. Horrible, obnoxious little peach fuzz adolescents who stomp around being all arrogant, irritating and smelling of Lynx Africa.

Strangely though, Lord Sugar doesn't feel the same. In fact, he seems to love teenagers so much that he's invited a bunch of them up to London to play dress-up and have a crack at being Real Adults.

Children, like Whitney Houston said, are the future. Lord Sugar agrees. What he clearly hasn't realised is that if the future is going to be run by a bunch of hormonal twerps who would rather spend their precious youth wearing suits than drinking until they vomit in a hedge, then we're all doomed.

Mark Wahlberg To Set Up Burger Chain

September 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Once there was a time, when Mark Wahlberg was just some dumbass in jockey shorts. Then, somehow, we went and became a proper actor before giving Justin Bieber a wedgie. Whaddaguy! Right?

Well, now it seems that Marky Mark and his brothers are opening up a burger joint! How great is that?

Well, it ain’t so great because he’s forgotten one fundamental thing – we’re not idiots.