Expressionless slab-faced lump of FAIL David Boreanaz – better known for playing ‘Angel’, the perplexing object of affection for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and little else unless you count that cop show that only your mother really likes (although you still have to find it for her on her EPG) – will no doubt be today celebrating his complete exoneration from charges of sexual harassment filed all the way back in July of last year.

If, by ‘complete exoneration’ you mean ‘he paid-off the complainant so she’d keep quiet’.

Or ‘settled out of court’ as they call it in that America.

Which of course is absolutely fine as all Boreanaz was really accused of was sending “inappropriate text messages”. If that’s a crime, all hecklerspray staff are looking at twenty years, County Time. (No, we don’t know what that means either.)

Oh and apparently, according to defendant Kristina Hagan, he tried to “kiss her and touch her breasts”.

Again, anyone outraged by this has never been to an office party. Ever.

And she has claimed that Boreanaz masturbated in front of her.

Which is where we draw the line, because that is disgusting. The staff here at hecklerspray are appalled by this. We never masturbate in front of anyone. We even cover the mirror in the bathroom with a towel so we can’t see ourselves doing it.

hecklerspray wishes the very best of luck to David ‘Forehead’ Boreanaz as he reportedly does his best to save his marriage to Jaime Bergman, and we suspect he will need it. We’ve googled her, decided she’s ‘fit’ and he’s now got some serious competition from deluded men and women in underpants who haven’t left the ‘spray house in days.

And after already admitting to having full sex with another woman without his wife’s knowledge, he’s probably got an up-hill struggle, what with as all this ‘feeling-up an intern and spaffing-off in front of her as well’ legal nonsense.

We suspect that not only has he much ‘sofa-time’ to contend with, there will also be endless opportunities for ‘personal self-discovery’ as he attempts to save his marriage, whilst reflecting upon the fact that attempting to fuck the girl at the studio who brings his coffee is a silly thing to do.

Which, by the way, he DEFINITELY DIDN’T DO.

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Oi! Sadsacks! There’s going to be a new Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie. How do you like them blood oranges? Can’t wait to see Sarah Michelle Gellar teaming up with Joss Whedon again? Well, uh… just hold your horses.

Warner Bros. have announced that they’ll be making a reboot of Buffy and it will not include the mastermind behind the TV series, Joss Whedon. And he’s all kindsa bugged about it.

So much so in fact, that he’s had a massive hissy fit in an email exchanged with some magazine or other. Someone better call a waaaaaaaaaaahmbulance, and sharpish.

In an email, Joss said:

“This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths—just because they can’t think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself.”

Pardon? Is that The Avengers which has been a comic for years? Yeah, making a film based on a comic isn’t INCREDIBLY COMMON AT THE MOMENT. Also, does anyone fancy pointing out to Joss that there was a Buffy film out before he made the TV series?

He continues:

“I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don’t love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I’m also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can’t wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I’m making a Batman movie. Because there’s a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for The Dark Knight Rises Way Earlier Than That Other One And Also More Cheaply And In Toronto, rebooting into a theater near you.”

Oh bum. He was being sarcastic all along. Now we look pretty stupid don’t we?

Anyway, Warner Brothers are cracking on with this new film having optioned the rights from the directors and production company of the original movie (starring Kristy Swanson).

At this point, it’s not looking as though any of the TV cast or creative team will be involved in the project. Sarah Michelle Gellar always seemed like a nasty piece of work to us, so it’s nice to know she won’t be getting any work out of this.

And… er… yeah… sorry Whedon. Sorry about taking you seriously for a minute there. Now you know how we feel when people take us at face-value.

Ahem.

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Legions of internetters are up in arms because its recently been announced that a new Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie was in the works – and Joss Whedon’s magic hands are nowhere near the mixing pot.

Whedon, you see, is considered to have been the grand mastermind of the slayer series ever since he first heard the show’s concept whispered in the windy fart of his dying Nanna. It happened in a zoo.

Ever since, Whedon has been considered the Buffy authority. And now for some creatively tapped movie-makers to steal the reigns – well fans are pissed!

Good news – a new Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie is being made. Bad news – you may at some point be trapped in front of it. Say on an airplane or something. Should this happen you should just concentrate on the constant shaking and the fact that you’re 10,000 feet in the air with little to nothing below you. It’s the lesser of two nauseas.

The nerdier of you will remember that in the early nineties there was a Whedon-written Buffy movie wherein Luke Perry had to lick every square inch of an Indian woman in labour. She was baring the chosen one, you see, and Luke’s gaping-cheeks had to keep the placenta from ever touching the ground. The whole thing actually paralleled a plot-line from 90210 season three. We think it was directly stolen.

If we remember right.

Anyway – the people who owned the rights to that original Slayer film – well they kept those rights. They probably hoped and hoped that the original would find an audience on TBS or something. Then Joss Whedon’s TV show happened and brought a bucket or two of sleek 90′s hip to the whole concept – so much so that nobody anywhere in the world ever wants to see anyone else mess with the vamp-killer again.

Well that’s too bad, because like we said – the original owners of all things monster-killing are ready for a chunk of all this crappy Twilight action. THR has specifics:

“A new incarnation of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” could be coming to the big screen. “Buffy” creator Joss Whedon isn’t involved and it’s not set up at a studio, but Roy Lee and Doug Davison of Vertigo Entertainment are working with original movie director Fran Rubel Kuzui and her husband, Kaz Kuzui, on what is being labeled a remake or relaunch, but not a sequel or prequel. While Whedon is the person most associated with “Buffy,” Kuzui and her Kuzui Enterprises have held onto the rights since the beginning, when she discovered the “Buffy” script from then-unknown Whedon. She developed the script while her husband put together the financing to make the 1992 movie.”

But don’t anybody worry – the writers, producers, directors and what-have yous have all mentioned that any necessary changes will be minimal. For instance, there will be absolutely no Sarah Michelle Gellar. Also instead of Vampires Buffy will only slay pollution, and instead of a hell-mouth she’ll have to swim through the haemorrhaging hull of the Exxon Valdez circa 1989.

Word has it she’s only saved by a Green Peace crew toting recycled jars full of Palmolive and a very soapy sponge.

It should really make the kids think.

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