Bruce Willis. Actor. Man who made being bald cool. Ex of Demi Moore. Singer who was signed to Motown Records (yes, really). Funny and seemingly pretty decent bloke. So what else can he do?
Is there any end to his talents?
Seemingly not as ol’ Willzo is a booze innovator. Basically, you’ve all been tackling your liquor all wrong. You have. You’ve just been drinking it, haven’t you? Straight from the bottle or pouring it into a glass like a big, boring berk. It is time for Bruce Willis to teach you in the ways of alcoholic righteousness.
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We hear congratulations are in order. WE KNOW! WE KNOW! A Cosmopolitan… Oh alright, fine. Here’s the news, killjoys.
Bruce Willis has successfully impregnated another shiny, shiny woman with his brutal gametes. He must stop, really. He’s destroyed so much beauty in the universe already.
Yes, that’s the one. Bruce Willis and a woman called Emma Heming (Well, there’s our new pub quiz team name sorted.) are having an ooh-baby-baby. Oh sorry, we should do that skeptical “comma, insert incredibly old age” thing that the Daily Mail do to highlight how wrong it is when people attempt to achieve things outside the realms of The Good Life.
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Celebrities have always endorsed tat to make a bit of extra coin for themselves. They’re a brazen bunch, willing to sign up to almost anything. It’s almost impressive really. They’re nakedly greedy and don’t mind showing it off.
From Iggy Pop’s dodgy insurance commercials to Chubby Checker endorsing his own beef jerky, there’s always someone trying to steal a coin from your pocket.
However, marketing and pop culture – as intertwined as they may be – don’t mix too well sometimes. This is why we’re going to have a look at some of the more peculiar celebrity endorsements.
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Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.
And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.
Wait what?
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Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.
And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?
Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).
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Hollywood hard-man Bruce Willis has managed to cheat death whilst attending a screening of his latest testosterone fuelled blockbuster. What was the source of the action star’s brush with death I hear you ask, an escalator.
No, you didn’t read that wrong, Bruce Willis was nearly maimed by a moving staircase whilst on the way to watch his new film, Red, which sees Willis staring alongside John Malkovic and Dame Helen Mirren as a retired CIA black-ops agent that’s being hunted down. Only in America.
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With Sly Stallone’s bizarre announcement that he’d like Bruce Willis to appear as a villain in The Expendables 2 (because apparently flogging a dead horse once just isn’t enough) we here at Hecklerspray decided to man up and have ourselves a good, ol’ fashioned Die Hard marathon, to re-acquaint ourselves with one of our favourite action movie icons.
But something troubled us deeply, Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Die Hard 3: Die Hard With a Vengeance and Die Hard 4.0: Life Free or Die Hard, the scenes seemed to be a lot more ridiculous than we remembered. Happily this meant that we can bring you the top 10 most ridiculous scenes from the Die Hard series.
Be prepared for explosions, gravity defying stunts and an old man who’s harder than the nails in his coffin in this summer’s most action packed, critically acclaimed and hotly anticipated Hecklerspray top 10!
To celebrate the momentous release of the Bruce Willis aftershave (mostly testosterone-infused sweat, with top notes of blood, inflammable material and rosehips). We’ve taken the time to put together the all-time, Top Ten Die Hard Films. Simple tales of a man with a dream. A dream of running around shirtless, covered in blood and shooting at things, admittedly, but still a dream.
And to those of you who say ‘but there’s only four films. That’s a stupid idea. You’re stupid’.
We say you’re just not trying hard enough. And that’s exactly what the terrorists want.
Top Ten after the jump.
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