For years now, butch gay men have been modelling themselves on Hulk Hogan. Handlebar moustache? Check. Tight t-shirt with the sleeves cut off? Check. Flings with musclebound studs called Brutus Beefcake? Check…

Wait, what?

Yes, according to Hogan’s estranged wife Linda, Terrance Gene ‘Hulk Hogan’ Bollea had an affair with the aforementioned Mr Beefcake, a.k.a. Ed Leslie. The claims emerged in her recent book: ‘Wrestling the Hulk’, which, incidentally is also the name of an obscure sexual practice featuring three men in ripped trousers and a vat of green paint.

The Hulkster denies the claims, stating ‘ME SO ANGRY’ and ‘HULK SMASH’.

Hang on, that’s not right. What he actually said was:

“If any of that was true, I would admit it, and (if) I was a homosexual I would embrace it.”

Unfortunately, for all that Terry was commendably quick to claim he isn’t actually gay as a window for beefy men, but that who cares if he is, right? Because it’s fine…he doesn’t take the sensible, gay-friendly step of just stopping right there, going on to say:

“It’s just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it. I don’t mean to laugh about it, because it’s not funny. But it’s insane. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

Although that directly contradicts his Twitter feed, which currently reads:

HULK SMASH REPUBLICAN TEA PARTY HOMOPHOBIA! And HAPPY COMING OUT DAY! HULK WEAR RAINBOW SHORTS IN CELEBRATION.

Actually, that last one might be by @FeministHulk. But still, on the whole- wethinks the Hulk doth protest too much.

Afterall, his sport is entirely dedicated to the homoeroticism of men, greased up, fake tanned and mauling each other in their underwear.

This was a guest post by ‘spray alumni Hilary W of the tremendous Tellysquawks.com. Okay?

Hey! You know how we thought that Charlie Sheen had gone boring and stopped taking all those lovely, mind-wrecking Class A drugs? Well, we might be in with a bit of luck here because it seems that he’s planning on consuming a lot more, which means he might go mental and die!

See, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have been piddling about with a custody agreement concerning some kids that no-one really gives two hoots about… and in this agreement, both have agreed that neither of this depressing duo should have to undergo random drug tests. Or organised drug tests. Or whatever other find of invasive, eye-watering drug tests there may be.

So are they both planning on being absolute drug wrecks, for the sake of their children? Well, mommy and daddy are awfully dull when they’re not throwing up their fix from the crackpipe or filled to the lid on coke while berating a chandelier.

The trustworthy source that is TMZ (stop laughing – they told us Michael Jackson had joined the invisible choir before anyone else did, so they MUST tell the truth) reported that Brooke was photographed last week, caressing what appeared to be a crack pipe.

They also saw her parked up in a dodgy part of Hawaii (the kind of place Dog The Bounty Hunter likes to run at speed, wind flowing through his acrylic hair), parked up in a car with cash in hand.

And of course, Sheeno is a rehab veteran who likes nothing more than tooting so much drugstuff that his blood becomes thinner than starved mop.

Through all this, we have some little kids who must be thrilled because, with each homewrecking activity, there’ll be the inevitable guilt and hollow apology where they’ll be showered with clammy-affection and gifts.

It really is win-win.

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Everyone has got it in for Hulk Hogan at the moment. Ultimate Warrior (real name, ‘Warrior’ – no seriously) did a video sneering at the Hulkster and now, Linda Hogan is taking shots at the moustachioed baby-oil loving grappler.

Linda Hogan has made some pretty shocking claims in her new book Wrestling the Hulk: My Life Against the Ropes, but gave out some more elbow-drops on an American chatshow that you don’t need to know the name of.

Basically, while we’ll concede that no relationship is ever perfect, Hulk Hogan seems to have had a relationship that is incredibly odd indeed. Not surprising from a man who has earned his living by running around in his underpants and pretending to fight other men in the most homoerotic spectacle since Shaq took a bath with eight sirloin steaks.

Linda described her ex-husband’s affair with a close friend of their daughter Brooke.

“She’s in my house, learning everything, talking to me and yet she’s bedding my husband”

“She’d spend the night with Brooke at the house and they’d do the girlfriend thing. I’d bring them popcorn and hot chocolate up to their bedroom, and little did I know she was with my husband, too.”

You’d have to worry about any young woman who thought it was a good idea to swap sex soup with an aged man in a bandana. We imagine that Hulk Hogan’s winky has a little blond moustachio too. Right on the end.

He wasn’t only cheating on Linda. She suggests that Hogan was overcome by roid rage, stomping about the place and making everyone’s life a misery. Still, that’s almost to be expected of a WWE wrestler, right? They’re all mental.

But poor Linda. How is she going to get over Hulk bedding one of their daughter’s chums? BY DOING EXACTLY THE SAME OF COURSE!

See, Linda is currently engaged to Charlie Hill, a former classmate of daughter Brooke, which is just fantastic. Brooke is absolutely destined to become the most warped human in history thanks to her brilliant, randy parents.

For the record, Hulk Hogan decided to call Linda’s claims ‘delusional’, adding that it was all a ‘blatant lie’. And what heavyweight, esteemed radio show did Hulk deliver this important message?

The Bubba the Love Sponge Show.

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Being a member of the Hogan family would be great, if it weren’t for the fact that right now it would be rubbish.

The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who’s going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan… well – she just continues to embarrass herself.

Today it’s through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can’t help but find it annoying – we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don’t get national news exposure.

It’s a bloody popularity contest.

Brooke, obviously not content with just being the daughter of a worldwide phenomenon (who happens to be suffering one of the all-time great falls from grace) and a failed pop starlet has come out and berated Paris Hilton for her opinions, or lack thereof, on politics.

Eagle-eyed view-o-readers may remember that Paris released a spoof campaign video some time in the last week or so, responding to a Republican campaign ad from a few days prior. Obviously this makes her something of a high brow political commentator, or something.

At least, it does in Brooke Hogan’s eyes. Her stupid, stupid eyes.

And poor little Brookey, starved for the attention she normally demands, isn’t very happy with vapid blonde morons having their two cents thrown into the ring when it comes to politics. Nor does she understand the concept of irony, it would seem Writing on her ‘popular’ blog, the Hoganette said:

“Only 54 percent of eligible american voters cast their ballots!!!!!! Half of them are only voting cause its ‘cool’ to vote for so and so…they aren’t even up to date on information,” Brooke wrote. “I’M personally not up to date on the facts, so I don’t wanna make a stupid choice for our country. I WANT to vote but only when I know exactly whats going on. More ppl should think like that. Paris Hilton said ‘yaaaay go vote cause its cool and hott!!!!’ …SHE WASN’T EVEN REGISTERED.”

Maybe it would be fine – maybe we could take this kind of thing at face value, or possibly we could just accept that this girl might actually have something of a politically-charged mind on her shoulders.

But then you do have to remember this is the same Brooke Hogan that said Hillary Clinton shouldn’t run for the US presidency as she would be too ‘emotional’ and ‘crazy’ thanks to PMS and menopause. While we won’t argue with the sentiment, she is clearly talking bum.

We would hope that Paris Hilton would form some kind of new video response to this, but surely not even she is attention-seeking enough to bother responding to a comment by a nobody? We mean, she doesn’t respond to hecklerspray, and we’re somebody.

A big, fat, smelly somebody.

Hulk Hogan really should stick to the things he knows get people on his side.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

This time last year Hulk Hogan was probably a very happy (and large) man.

He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.

Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.

But while all this was going on, Hulk’s wife, Linda Bollea, decided she didn’t want to be married to the big man anymore and filed for divorce, demanding half of everything. Did we mention Hulk was also getting sued around this point for his son’s crash? No? Well, yes – that too.

Basically, Hogan’s life managed to go from rosy to a bag of shit in just a few months, and no amount of gesticulating towards the crowd for them to fill his ear lugs with life-affirming cheering was going to fix things. Even though it helped no end against the likes of Andre the Giant and the Macho Man.

But it hasn’t stopped there – and why should it? When life takes a dump on you, it really does strain as much fecal matter out as possible, just to see your reaction as you’re buried under piles of stinking turd. Hulk Hogan is still slowly realising that life is a complete and total fucker. As he decided to tell Larry King, in-between bouts of being a bit mental and religious.

See, Hulk had been calling Nick in solitary to keep the young tearaway sane. These calls had been recorded. Hulk was aware of this. Yet he was still surprised when they were released to the media. Hulk, Hulk, Hulk – when will you learn? After the storm of crud you’ve been weathering for the last year or so, how did you not realise this would happen? But he didn’t, as these words he uttered to Larry show:

“This was the only thing Nick had left. This is the privacy everybody had in prison… and to have that taken away? I was more worried than ever about his mental state.”

But what about the fact the Hulkster was clearly telling his son how to turn the public to his side? Surely he would back down on this, accept he was in the wrong and move on, admitting a mistake? No, he just brought God into it:

“I was trying to help [to] give Nick some type of relief because he [was] consumed with the unknown. I was just trying to explain to him that it’s ‘God’s hands’ or it’s ‘God’s will.’”

Which clearly shows that God hates Nick Bollea. Which is understandable, really.

So could it get any worse for Hogan? Well, yes, as it turned out that his soon-to-be-ex-wife is currently dating a 19-year-old ex-schoolmate of his son and daughter, Brooke.

And what did young Brooke have to say on the issue?

“I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it.”

So there you go. The Hogans are pretty screwed up, really.