Brooke Shields can do nothing right – even the aviation disasters she participates in are underwhelming.

You see, Brooke Shields was in a plane crash. Don’t worry, though, because it was crap. There was no fire, no twisted shards of steel and glass. Not even any injuries, in fact – Brooke Shields’ plane simply rolled backwards after landing and damaged a car’s wing mirror.

That sounds quite mediocre, but we’re not done yet. The plane’s other passenger was Jim Belushi. Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi in a pointlessly minor plane crash. You just can’t get more mediocre than that. Not without the involvement of Keane, anyway.

We don’t know about you, but we’re going to spend the rest of the day constructing a giant shrine to God’s benevolence. Why? Because he prevented Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi from perishing in a fiery plane crash recently. Imagine what the world would be like if it didn’t contain the stars of three separate K-9 movies and that show that was a bit like Sex And The City but somehow even worse. Imagine it. You can’t, can you? That’s how integral both Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi are to your day-to-day lives.

Here comes a description of the Brooke Shields/ Jim Belushi plane disaster, courtesy of CNN. Readers are advised that they might find aspects of the next paragraph distressing:

A small Cessna carrying Shields and Belushi ran into a parked SUV. After landing the plane, the pilot left the aircraft without securing the brakes…”The pilot got out, but he forgot to set the parking brake,” [police spokesman Rob] Bryn said. The plane rolled a few feet into a parked rental SUV, breaking its side view mirror and scraping the side of the vehicle, but no injuries were reported.

We honestly can’t think of anything worse than that scenario. Well, you know, apart from being on a plane and only having the choice between a Brooke Shields movie and a Jim Belushi movie for entertainment. That’d be pretty crap. Or, come to think of it, being in any enclosed space with Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi for any amount of time – we have an incredibly low tolerance for listening to people bang on about how much better the world was when they were famous.

Anyway, we’re pleased to report that nobody was injured in the crash. Sadly there’s no footage of the prang available, but that shouldn’t be a problem – there’s a good chance that either Brooke Shields or Jim Belushi will imminently attempt to adapt the accident into a movie. They’d be idiots not to – because, having seen much of their existing work, it goes without saying that a feature-length blockbuster about a small plane slowly rolling backwards for a few feet and then bumping into a car would be the most exciting thing that either Brooke Shields or Jim Belushi had ever put their name to.

But, more than anything, the important thing is that Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi are OK. Actually, that’s a lie. The most important thing is that Kiefer Sutherland wasn’t also a passenger at the time. Given his history of over-zealously protecting the virtue of Brooke Shields, there’s a good chance that he’d still be on the airstrip now, repeatedly headbutting the plane into submission.

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Getting headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would be amazing – it’d be like Rembrandt painting you a picture.

Because Kiefer is a master headbutter. Sure, it’d be better if he tied you to a chair, put your feet in a bucket of water and electrocuted you with a cable torn from a standard lamp but that’s hardly practical on a day-to-day basis. No, Kiefer Sutherland’s headbutt is the perfect expression of form and content.

The Manhattan District Attorney’s office realises this, so it won’t be prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly headbutting that guy back in May. What a heartwarming story. About headbutts.

You’ll remember the incident a couple of months ago when Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted fashion designer Jack McCullough for barging into Brooke Shields at a party. Specifically you’ll remember it because the close proximity of the words ‘Kiefer Sutherland’ and ‘Brooke Shields’ in a news story made you think that you’d travelled back in time to the 1980s, and you got nervous because it meant that Corey Haim would be famous again.

Well, back then things looked pretty dicey for Kiefer Sutherland. He was charged for the incident and, thanks to his ongoing parole following his DUI conviction in 2007, there’s a very good chance that Kiefer Sutherland would have found himself back in jail if he was found guilty.

But the good news is that Kiefer Sutherland won’t be found guilty of anything because the Manhattan District Attorney’s office has decided not to prosecute him. People reports:

“We declined to prosecute after a full investigation,” Manhattan District Attorney spokeswoman Alicia Maxey Greene tells PEOPLE of the highly publicized alleged cranial collision with a New York fashion designer in May. “That included speaking to the complaining witness, who was quite uncooperative.”

Why was Jack McCullough being so uncooperative about prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland? There are a number of options:

1 – He realised that Kiefer Sutherland was only acting to protect the honour of a woman, which gave the incident a moral integrity that he couldn’t defend himself against.

2 - He made up with Kiefer Sutherland shortly after the incident and they both released a joint statement apologising to each other.

3 - He realised that being headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would mean that he’d never have to pay for another drink ever again, and when he looks back at his life he’ll see that it was easily the coolest thing that had ever happened to him.

4 - He was uncooperative because Kiefer Sutherland had pinned him to a sofa and threatened to gouge his eyes out with a biro while muttering “I’m gonna enjoy this” in a slightly irresponsible way.

Any of these could feasibly be true. Especially the second one because that’s what happened, but any of them could feasibly be true.

Sadly, this is bad news for 24. Had he been convicted, Kiefer Sutherland was planning to set season eight in the world of fashion, where he’d spend 24 heart-pounding hours running up and down a catwalk shooting hundreds of fashion designers in the face. But now he’s not even going to be prosecuted, he’ll probably just go back to beating up brown people again.

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If you were Brooke Shields, what would you change about yourself? Your eyebrow-grooming regime, perhaps?

Or your failure to achieve any kind of meaningful career as a high-profile moviestar. Or the way your stagename makes you sound like a sinister insurance company. But no, Brooke Shields wishes that she let more schoolboys do it with her. More or less.

Brooke Shields regrets staying a virgin until she was 22. We agree – if she had sex earlier, maybe an unwanted pregnancy would have stood between her and fame, meaning that we’d never have to tell you any of this old crap now.

We’re not really experts on Brooke Shields – call us old-fashioned but we’ve never felt the need to sit down and watch Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Kids all the way through – but even we have to admit that the woman’s got charisma.

After all, Brooke Shields may have inspired Kiefer Sutherland to headbutt a man in the face recently – and Kiefer Sutherland only unleashes excessive force like that in emergencies, like if he’s tacking a terrorist, or interrogating a terrorist, or interrogating someone he suspects of being a terrorist, or someone brown looks at him funny, or one of his bosses tells him something he doesn’t like, or if he’s within headbutting distance of any member of his own family. So Brooke Shields definitely has something going for her.

But don’t think that’s been the case throughout all of Brooke Shields’ life, though – in fact, Brooke was apparently a virgin until she was 22 years old. You know, a virgin like Susan Boyle or Boleslaus V of Poland.

But so what? Brooke Shields didn’t get her end away until she was old enough to train for her HGV licence. That’s not a big deal – after all, abstinence is the latest fad for today’s tweens with their purity rings and their hopelessly idealised standards that they’ll never be able to maintain for any real length of time, so Brooke Shields should be applauded for her chastity.

Except that being a virgin really, really narked her off. Brooke told Health magazine:

“I think I would have had sex a lot earlier. I think I would have been much more in touch with myself. I think I wouldn’t have had issues with weight – I carried this protective 20 pounds [in college]. It was all connected. I think I would have lost my virginity earlier than I did at 22.”

So there you have it, kids. Brooke Shields wants you to have sex as young as possible, on the off-chance that you might get a bit fat if you don’t. But remember, although you should take Brooke Shields’ advice in this instance, don’t listen to anything esle she has to say about anything ever. Honestly, don’t come crying to us if you end up starring in a hokey Sex And The City rip-off that nobody watches because it’s obviously cack. Seriously, nobody wants that.

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Kiefer Sutherland isn’t Jack Bauer. Hard to believe, we know, but they’re different in just about every way.

Jack Bauer, for instance, breaks the law in all sorts of spectacular ways to save America from terrorists then gets pardoned by the president afterwards. Kiefer Sutherland, on the other hand, commits petty crimes to save 1980s actresses then gets charged afterwards.

Kiefer Sutherland has been charged with minor assault following his alleged headbutting incident this week. Sad – we wanted to see how far he’d take this hobby. Maybe he’d end up shoplifting a Chunky Kit Kat for Molly Ringwald or something.

At least now we all know where the eighth season of 24 will be set – the studio of America’s Next Top Model. It makes so much sense – Kiefer Sutherland wouldn’t have to fake his rage for the fashion industry, plus we get the impression that the sight of Tyra Banks tied to a chair getting her kneecaps shattered while electrodes dangle from her nipples might be something of a ratings winner.

That’s provided that Kiefer Sutherland’s intense hatred of fashion designers doesn’t land him in jail for the rest of his life, of course – after allegedly headbutting Jack McCollough at a party to protect the honour of Brooke Shields this week, his future looks uncertain. Especially now that he’s been charged with assault, as Reuters reports:

Actor Kiefer Sutherland turned himself into police on Thursday and was arrested and charged with assault for headbutting another man at a swank party in New York City. The star of the hit television show “24″ was questioned by police at a station in the Manhattan neighborhood of Soho and faces a minor assault charge, according to a police spokeswoman.

Normally a charge of minor assault wouldn’t carry much of a punishment, but don’t forget this is Kiefer Sutherland we’re talking about – he’s previously been arrested so many times that headbutting McCollough probably violates the terms of about 75 different probations. This basically leaves a judge with two options. If Kiefer Sutherland is convicted then he can either be sent to prison immediately or let out onto the street where he’ll get shitfaced within a couple of minutes, start a fight with his own reflection, get rearrested and then go to prison.

But still, at least now he’s been charged, Kiefer Sutherland has set himself up for one of the greatest courtroom battles in recent history. It’s going to be amazing – Kiefer will get to do his gritty “I did what I did because I needed to” shtick, Jack McCollough will get to fake terror every time that Kiefer so much as flinches – plus all the witnesses were at a party with Brooke Shields and Kiefer Sutherland, so they’re bound to be a bunch of terrifically obnoxious nimrods.

A word of advice, though, Kiefer – tell the court that you had to headbutt Jack McCollough yourself because if Brooke Shields tried it she’d have suffocated him with her giant eyebrows and killed him. If anything, you were helping him out.

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As the star of 24, Kiefer Sutherland knows a bit about the law. For instance, it’s completely OK to suffocate your brother to death.

Also, the good guys are always bad, and the bad guys are always good. And never trust the brown ones. So when Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted Jack McCollough on Tuesday, it made him a bad guy. But then again, Kiefer Sutherland was protecting the honour of Brooke Shields – so he’s a good guy.

Then again, he’ll probably spend a few more months in jail for it. So he’s bad. Or good. Oh, let’s just settle on depressing.

Look, we know the 1980s are back in fashion and all, but let’s not take the piss, eh? Strutting around in ironically-coloured Wayfarers is one thing, but having to read a news story about Kiefer Sutherland headbutting someone in a fight over Brooke Shields seems a little bit like overkill. From there it’s only a short skip to sniffing glue while critically evaluating the Masters Of The Universe film to the sound of Sydney Youngblood and, trust us, that’s not something you’d want to do.

But anyway, that’s what apparently happened. In a non-ironic way, Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted a fashion designer in the face because he didn’t show the proper courtesy to Brooke Shields. And now he’s probably going back to jail for it.

You may remember that Kiefer Sutherland spent Christmas 2007 in jail after he was arrested for DUI. The sentence was so harsh because his DUI arrest violated the probation he was put on after he was arrested for DUI in 2004. After his jail sentence, Kiefer was place on a new five-year probation. And apparently, as People reports, headbutting a man in the face at a party while possibly drunk might just violate the terms of that probation, too:

“If Sutherland’s found in violation of probation for battery, and if he was intoxicated at the time, he could very well be sentenced to another 48 days or more,” says Steve Sitkoff, an L.A. criminal defense attorney not involved with the case. The 24 star, who allegedly headbutted a fashion designer at a party early Tuesday, will surrender to New York authorities to face a third-degree assault charge.

Obviously another jail sentence for Kiefer Sutherland would bugger 24 up something rotten. There probably won’t be another conveniently-timed writers’ strike to delay a new season this time. So maybe it’s time the producers thought of a plan-B workaround. Say, for instance, the president of America gets arrested for shoplifting a frozen chicken, and Jack Bauer has to headbutt an effeminate man in the face to go to jail to protect her. Or Kim Bauer comes back again and fights the forces of evil on her dad’s behalf. In a skimpy top. In the rain. In slow motion. Yes, that would work.

But whatever happens to Kiefer Sutherland, the moral of the story is clear – never help Brooke Shields. Never. You’ll go to prison if you do. Don’t be fooled by those gigantic eyebrows or the way she’s not as good as she thinks she is at anything. You must never help Brooke Shields. Not even if she falls over in front of hundreds of stampeding hippos. Especially not then.

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As anyone who has ever seen 24, Lost Boys or his mugshot already knows – Kiefer Sutherland is tougher than a t-rex’s calcified colon.

Sure, he likes talking about little baby ponies a little more that your typical hero, and he refers to his favourite shirt as the ‘one covered in speckled rainbow,’ but aside from that he has got what it takes to save people’s lives. On TV.

Also sometimes he awkwardly intervenes on behalf of distressed damsels in real life too. For instance, he recently came to the aide of an ‘assaulted’ Brooke Shields.

When Kiefer Sutherland gets out of jail, he usually likes to wait several months until he gets in the news for anything else. Check. Also, he likes to star in television programmes that used to be action-packed dramas but have begun to resemble the sixth season of Friends more and more with each passing episode. Check.

Since both of those are obvious truths, you may be wondering when the first one mentioned is due to blossom. The answer is now. You see, Kiefer has been good friends with Brooke Shields ever since he held up her big saggy face long enough for for her to syringe it full of Botox. Seriously – you should see the before & afters.

We made up the Botox thing. We also made up the ‘they’re good friends’ thing. Although according to TMZ that may be true anyway:

“Law enforcement sources tell us Kiefer Sutherland headbutted a man in New York City last night, causing lacerations on the man’s nose — all while defending the honor of one Brooke Shields.

“It happened at an after-party for the Met costume gala last night. We’re told witnesses say the alleged victim — Jack McCullough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCullough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.”

When asked later about why he felt obligated to defend Brooke he said simply:

“Brooke Shields is my [sic] insperation to act. When I first saw her in that movie, uh…what’s it [sic] caled…uh, escape to blue island or something? Well it changed my life. In the scene where she first made [sic] luv to that curly-haired rapscallion and her eyes were so full of convincing passion, I thought to myself Yes! Yes – this is what I want to do with my life.”

We assume Kiefer was talking about wanting to act for the rest of his life as opposed to make love to rapscallions. You really never know though. We also assume most of that quote was fabricated – those [sic]s were some nice touches, eh? We threw those in to really drive it home.

Anyhow – Sutherland totally headbutted some guy who wouldn’t apologise for callously slamming into Brooke Shields and sending her tumbling into a table covered in stillborns, live salamanders, broccoli and whatever else celebrities like to snack on at those ritzy fashion shows. This could cause a problem as, like we said, he didn’t get released from jail that long ago, and all the probation hearings we’ve ever attended (we’ve been to six. Two of them ours) have grand high counsels that really frown on violent assaults no matter what the cause.

That’s just something to keep in mind, Kief, in case you ever see an old lady intentionally trip Kathy Ireland.

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