When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.

And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.

Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!

Sadly for Brooke, she’s sorely lacking in catchphrases, so this story isn’t nearly as funny as Sheen’s. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to laugh though.

So what’s the rub?

Well, Brooke was arrested over the weekend in a nightclub on suspicion of assault and possession of cocaine with intent to distribute.

Get that? Sheen is clearly not paying her enough child-support money if she’s dealing coke. Sorry. We should rephrase that. Sheen clearly not dropping nuclear truth bombs of money into Brooke’s pocket of lose. WINNING. Tiger bl… oh forget it.

Reports say that Aspen Police Department officers were doing a routine walk-through at Belly Up Aspen when a woman reported that an assault had taken place. Police said a woman identified the culprit as Mueller and the police found her at the dance club Escobar.

She was probably having a nice dance to Pitbull or something.

The police say that Mueller faces a class-four felony charge of possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, and third-degree assault, a class-one misdemeanour. No. That means absolutely nothing to us either, but from what we can glean, it sounds like a really fun spectator sport.

A police spokesperson said…

“She’s obviously a person who attracts a lot of media attention, and we will handle this case just like we handle all cases… she’ll get treated like we treat everybody else.”

…to the press. That’s right, the press, who they usually talk to about all their cases. This is totally normal.

Mueller has form with this sort of this, having various stints in rehab, including time at an “extreme” rehab program in Mexico earlier this year. She was also escorted off a flight after being described as “belligerent.” Various reports alleged that she’d also been seen in a carpark with a crack-pipe and has also been trying to pawn jewelry for cash.

And yet, she still has custody of the twins. Just how awful a human must Charlie Sheen be if that’s the case?

Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.

See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.

And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).

The couple decided that they’d have a nice time in Mexico, where the heroin is first rate. A veritable violent torpedo of romance you might say.

There, they booked the Presidential Suite which apparently costs $15,000 a night. Sheen presumably eyed up the chandelier and recalled the time when he first re-entered the public’s radar by beating one up while a young woman feared for her life while locked in a wardrobe.

At the swank hotel, they had a monkey butler and something oddly conceptual called an ‘infinity pool’, which is presumably perfect for drowning in.

The most boring source on Earth says of this ghoulish coupling:

“There were candles everywhere. They ate very healthy, local fish, salad, drank fruit juices. Charlie had arranged a chocolate molten cake with candles for dessert. It was beautiful.”

We can only hope they shared a needle of smack and fell into a loving coma for three days, before re-emerging to lovingly hold each other’s hair back while they puked up a pipe or two… because that’s more fun than what actually happened.

Boring shits.

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Brooke Mueller, a woman who was daft enough to have children with Charlie Sheen and rather fond of crack-pipes, may well be thinking of getting back with the former Two And A Half Men chump (once the divorce goes through, confusingly enough), but that doesn’t mean she has to be nice to people on planes.

Mueller got into a spot of bother with the crew of a United jet from L.A. to Cancun (where, we’re told, the crack is AMAZING) and ended up exiting a flight early.

Sadly, she didn’t open the door mid-flight and end up sucking all the passengers out of the plane til there was nothing left but screaming specks on the horizon.

Sources say that Brooke wasm kicking up a stink while sat on a plane, which is exactly what everyone needs before a flight takes off… palms sweating… nervous about being so high in the sky… certain that you’re about to die in a massive fireball into the sea… certain death.

Ahem.

As this particular flying death trap was about to tootle away from the gate, Brooke decided to tell everyone how nauseous she felt. Withdrawal symptoms or remembering Charlie Sheen naked? You decide. Anyway, said she needed to go to the bathroom and the flight attendant told her to sit her sorry behind down.

That’s when things got a little heated.

Brooke insisted on telling everyone that she needed to puke (nice) and, hilariously, the flight attendant abruptly replied with:

“Tough.”

Mueller went nuts and demanded that they let her get off the plane. The crew were all too happy to chuck the mental witch onto the tarmac.

A witness says:

“[Brooke was] belligerent and cussing out the flight attendant”

That said, as irritating as Mueller clearly is, at least she’s not a crying baby. Sadly, there is still no law which allows us to throw those defecating, wailing ogres out of windows at thousands of feet.

Ah well.

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Remember when Charlie Sheen was worth writing about? Okay, it looked like he was going to die and everything, but we don’t care about him emotionally. We just want to mock a stranger’s misfortune right?

So he went about the world saying dumb things about his tiger blood, his fondness for porn actresses and the fact his penis is a cucumber filled with E.Coli or something.

Since then, he went on tour and got in a custody battle, poking him into becoming a massive, massive bore. Even the woman he was in the legal wranglings with, Brooke Mueller, went to rehab and failed to make Sheen vaguely interesting again.

So what we’re faced with is a tale of administration. Papers being shunted back and forth and not a papercut in sight. Basically, the news is that Charlie Sheen and former wife Brooke Mueller have reportedly agreed a deal concerning their twins.

They’ll both get access.

Even the twins involved don’t have stupid names. They’re called Bob and Max. It sounds like a sitcom that could rival Two And A Half Men in tedium.

What’s really boring is that this whole weary scenario is so irritatingly civil. The pair are agreeing over everything and being incredibly nice.

This means that we can only hope that Sheen is pacifying his ex, slowly building up resentment toward the human race and, ultimately himself, before going on a coke bender that makes his innards erupt through his eyes and all over the room filled with naked porn stars, all weeping onto their impossible, gravity defying breasts.

Fingers crossed, eh readers?

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Charlie Sheen’s Violent Torpedo Of Truth tour has been hobbling around America, confusing and dumbfounding people and making people too thick to think titter every stinkin’ time he wheels out the whole ‘Uh, winning!‘ thing.

Until now, this dreadful spectacle has been confined to the boundaries of mainland America… but not for long. That’s because Sheeno is planning on hauling his pasty backside all over the world where, with any luck, he’ll find out just how tiresome humans find him.

And while he’s at it, he’s violating terms of his custody agreement, which could see him hilariously losing the right to see his long-suffering kiddiewinks. Defeat, it would appear, is most certainly an option.

During a radio interview, Charlie says:

“Why don’t I take this thing on the road to Australia, parts of Europe, parts of Asia. If I pick out six cities over two weeks and if it wasn’t about violent torpedoes and truth seeking but more about an evening with Charlie Sheen, if I told people what to expect maybe they wouldn’t heckle me like the drunk clowns that they are.”

What a big, wailing baby. Still, glad his US tour is over, he had some words for us European In Your Pants types.

“It would seem like the European mentalities would give me a little more time and a little more patience to actually listen and embrace a format like that, where they come in knowing what to expect.”

And what we can all expect is jokes about Brooke Mueller which violate the terms of their divorce agreement, which could land him in the courts. Again.

Sheen says:

“I am teaching them words, because they’re speaking now. I’m teaching them the word ‘rehab’ so they always know where their mom is.”

A source spills that Brooke isn’t too thrilled at all this, saying:

“Under the terms of their divorce settlement, Charlie isn’t allowed to publicly speak about Brooke in any negative way, and Mueller is convinced he is violating that agreement. Charlie is saying thing that she believes are an attempt to make her look like a bad mother and she’s had enough of it.”

In fairness to Charlie though, she is in rehab for being a nut case. In fairness to Brooke, Sheen is as mental as a cupboard filled with laughing gravy.

Those poor children.

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Remember when Charlie Sheen was fun to write about? Remember that? He had people cowering in cupboards, suitcases of cocaine and had a nervous breakdown before our very eyes. And now? He’s gone from meme to admin. How terribly dull.

Instead of standing on rooftops waving a machete around, he’s involved in a boring tour and tangled up in a load of boring court tape.

And so, to provide some brief distraction, his ex wife has gone into rehab and another ex, actress Denise Richards, has appeared from nowhere to say that she’ll look after Sheen’s children for a bit. Yes. We’re writing about babysitting.

Denise ‘gets her rack out in absolutely every film she stars in’ Richards has called Charlie Sheen on his TigerPhone (or whatever he calls it) and offered herself as a completely normal person who could take informal custody of his twins, Bob and Max.

This happened shortly after Denise saw footage of Charlie’s estranged wife, Brooke Mueller, trying to flog her possessions in a bid to get some pennies in her purse. As she’s going to rehab and currently gets obscene amounts of money from Sheen already, we can only assume she was selling her belongings so she could by some glue to sniff.

All the while, the now very, very, very dull Charlie is preparing for court in an attempt to get full custody of the children, who will be marvellously warped by the time they hit their teens, giving plebs like us the chance to laugh in the face of someone’s mental health issues all over again.

While Sheen is in court fighting for the right to bring his children up in an environment which is clearly not even healthy for a grown human, he may as well kill two birds with one stone and file papers to sue Chuck Lorre after he got Sheen fired for being an uncontrollable penis.

We can only hope they get this all sorted quickly so we don’t have to write about it anymore.

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Staying to the common theme of the internet’s response to Charlie Sheen, this article may be a little repetitive in places, for which we can only apologise.

Anyway, here goes.

Hahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Negotiations between Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller LOL LOOOOL LOL LOLMAO have broken down. PMSL HAHAHAHAHA! TIGER BLOOD! Apparently, Brooke is not happy that Charlie just can’t stop his mouth from saying things when she’s concerned about the welfare of her children HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Winning! Ooops. Sorry bro. PMSLMAO

Gnarly Gnarlington Sheen HA HA HA HA HA STOPPIT YOU’RE JUST TOO MUCH LOL tweeted that he and his ex had reached some kind of LOLdeal that would have HILARIOUSLY seen the two agreeing on some kind of custody deal after the LOLOLOLOLOL pair sorted out their HAHAHAHAHHAHA divorce settlement.

THOMAS JEFFERSON IS A PUSSY! PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

However, sources close to the pair LOLOL HAHAHA are saying that the first term in the deal was that Charlie hush his mouth and not talk to the media about such matters.

AMAZING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HE’S AMAZING!

Of course, LOLFEST Sheen promptly went about LOOOL violating the term by talking about it to the press and *WHEEZE* HAHAHAHAHA tweeting about it. WIN! BATTLE TESTED BAYONETS! LOOOOOOL

Basically, this means that Charlie won’t be allowed to see his children.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! HE LIVES WITH TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN! HAOIHwfhoicwhfoihwoqhoioIHOLBGOIUFouglkbhahahHAHA

And so, if defeat is not an option, we all eagerly await to see Charlie’s next move.

HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHA! LOOOOOL! HAHHAHAHAMAO! ROFLOL! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HE’S HAVING A MASSIVE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! hahahahhahahahhaHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE’S PROBABLY GOING TO DIE SOON! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHA TWO AND A HALF MEN!

Oh. We had to mention that show didn’t we?

Instant anti-lol.

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Now, look, we’re all for the sanctity of marriage – just not the marriage of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller.

Seriously, divorce already. The signs are there, for crying out loud – the signs being that Charlie Sheen was arrested for allegedly holding a knife to Brooke Mueller’s throat on Christmas day, that he planned to avoid jail by bringing up her crack addiction in court and that he seems to be conducting an affair with a prostitute who has a thing for absurd fake moustaches. Call us pessimistic if you like, but there doesn’t seem to be a huge amount to stick around for.

But ill they listen? Will they balls. According to reports, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have decided to stick together and try to make things work. Incidentally, if by ‘things’ they meant ‘making hecklerspray’s hair fall out through nothing but pure exasperation’, then they’ve largely succeeded.

In retrospect, it makes sense that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller haven’t got divorced yet. And that’s all down to Brooke Mueller’s indomitable spirit. After all, Charlie Sheen reportedly held a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her during a fight that took place on Christmas day and may be cheating on her with prostitute, but she’s holding up just fine.

We’re not basing that on traditional standards, you understand – on the basis that Brooke Mueller has spent the last few month shuttling between rehab and hospital for a reason that some are attributing to a crack addiction – but by Charlie Sheen Wife standards, she’s doing OK. Brooke still hasn’t made veiled accusations that Charlie Sheen was a paedophile or a prostitute murderer, nor has she appeared in a number of nutty-eyed interviews that make her look like a lunatic, nor has she thrown a computer at an old lady’s head yet.

Denise Richards did all that while her marriage to Charlie Sheen was going awry, so Brooke Mueller is doing comparatively well. Maybe that’s why Charlie Sheen won’t divorce her yet – because he wants to see if he can really push her over the edge – or maybe he still loves her or some other stupid reason like that. Either way, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are definitely not getting divorced. People reports:

“Please let us clarify this: They are not seeking a divorce nor has one been contemplated,” according to a joint statement released Monday. Furthermore, “there has been no financial agreements between the parties of any sort. Stories to the contrary are false,” says the statement. “This is a difficult time and they need space to see if they can work things out or not,” Yale tells PEOPLE.

Maybe we’ve got this all wrong. Maybe Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller really are trying to turn things around this time. Maybe there will be a happy ever after this time. Or maybe we’ll just see you back here in a fortnight because Charlie Sheen has put on a fake beard and attempted to poo into Brooke Mueller’s mouth in her sleep or something. Oh, who are we kidding? It’ll almost definitely be be the latter.

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The nightmare is almost over for Charlie Sheen – lately he’s been arrested, imprisoned and sent to rehab.

But it’s not over yet. Today Charlie Sheen has to go to court in Aspen to face the domestic assault charges he received after allegedly holding a knife to his wife’s throat on Christmas day. And, if reports are to be believed, Charlie Sheen is planning to plead not guilty while he’s there.

This obviously complicates proceedings somewhat. It basically means that the judge will eventually have to make the choice between sending Charlie Sheen to prison or setting him free to make more episodes of Two And A Half Men. He essentially has to decide whether he wants to punish Charlie Sheen, or whether he wants to punish everybody else on the face of the planet. Tricky choice.

Honestly, they could make a sitcom out of Charlie Sheen’s life at the moment. Admittedly it wouldn’t be a very funny sitcom – since it would contain a scene of alleged domestic violence, a restraining order, a near-death from pneumonia, a harrowing stint at a rehab facility, another harrowing stint at a rehab facility and then a third harrowing stint at a rehab facility all in the space of about ten weeks – but at least it’d be funnier than Two And Half Men. That goes without saying, though – a YouTube video of a cat being pummelled with a hammer is funnier than Two And A Half Men.

But hopefully Charlie Sheen’s ordeal will come to an end before too long. All he has to do is waltz into a courtroom in Aspen later today, plead not guilty to beating his wife up on Christmas day and all his problems will go away. After all, his wife Brooke Mueller has repeatedly pushed for all charges against him to be dropped, and if you can’t trust a woman who a) keeps going to rehab and b) thought that getting married to Charlie Sheen was a sensible thing to do, well then who can you trust?

Sure, prosecutors have a fairly incriminating-sounding 911 tape of Brooke Mueller confirming that Charlie Sheen came at her with a knife, and that at one point she feared for her life, but Charlie doesn’t care about any of that. He has a secret weapon up his sleeve – the fact that Mueller is an alcoholic who spends a great deal of her time off her tits on crack. Radaronline reports:

“Charlie is going to contend that everything Brooke told police isn’t true – that she was out of her head, that she was so messed up she didn’t know what was going on,” one source said. “She partied hard before the incident. She drank heavily and she smoked crack. And Charlie is fully prepared to use that as part of his defense.”

It seems like a pretty watertight defence to us – Brooke Mueller made it all up because she was whacked off her noggin on drugs and booze. And it might also explain why Brooke Mueller got married to Charlie Sheen in the first place. And if we can ascertain that all of the Two And A Half Men producers are also so constantly strung out on alcohol and crack that they thought that employing Charlie Sheen was a good idea, we might have just solved the three greatest mysteries of the universe.

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Charlie Sheen – the man who was arrested on Christmas day for allegedly pulling a knife on his own wife – might have problems.

We know. We totally didn’t see this coming either. When we looked at Charlie Sheen – prostitute-shagging, drug addict Charlie Sheen, who once pleaded no contest to a charge of battery on his then girlfriend, who tends to be handed restraining orders by anyone he finds himself romantically involved with, who once left the world’s most offensive voicemail, who reportedly got drunk and pulled a knife on his own wife as a Christmas present, who stars in Two And A Half Men – we saw nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all.

Shows what we know. Charlie Sheen has followed his wife Brooke Mueller into rehab, which has caused a temporary suspension in Two And A Half Men production. So it’s not all bad news, then.

Honestly, of all the Two And A Half Men stars, Charlie Sheen was the one who we least expected to end up in rehab. OK, we know that sounds a little unlikely, given that Charlie Sheen once shot a girlfriend in the arm, overdosed on cocaine, split up with Denise Richards in a flurry of accusations about drug use and violence and dead porn stars and implied paedophilia, believes 9/11 was an inside job, has been arrested for allegedly attacking his own wife on Christmas day and reportedly has a fetish for life-size latex cheerleader dolls. We know that.

We just thought the little fat kid would probably get there first. He just has that look in his eyes, doesn’t he?

But no. Charlie Sheen is back in rehab following a whirlwind couple of months in which his wife Brooke Mueller has taken out a restraining order against him, almost died of pneumonia and ended up in rehab for substance abuse problems. So what’s Charlie’s big problem? He hasn’t got one. No, really. Reuters reports:

“As a preventative measure, Charlie Sheen has entered a rehabilitation facility. He will take some time off from his series ‘Two and a Half Men.’ He has asked that his privacy be honored. No further statements are planned,” publicist Stan Rosenfield said in a statement on Tuesday.

See? No reason to be alarmed at all. It’s just a preventative measure. There’s nothing wrong with Charlie Sheen. He’s just going to rehab on the off-chance that he might want to start drinking heavily or taking drugs at some point in the mid-to-distant future. People do that all the time.

Oh, look, Charlie Sheen is fooling nobody. He can bang on about preventative measures all he likes, but any idiot can tell it’s too late for that. The man’s already made 154 episodes of Two And A Half Men, for crying out loud. There isn’t a facility in the land that can save him from an addiction that harrowingly destructive.

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As Charlie Sheen’s wife, Brooke Mueller understands that she needs to act in an appropriate manner.

Remember, his last wife was Denise Richards. And that means that he’s used to a certain level of crazy. So, to stop Charlie Sheen from getting nostalgic about the time when, say, Denise threw a computer off a balcony at an old lady in a wheelchair, Brooke Mueller has to act in the most erratic way possible to keep him interested. And that might be why she’s just checked into rehab.

That’s unless Brooke Mueller hasn’t checked into rehab, of course. But it wouldn’t be the first time that Brooke Mueller has been to rehab this year. Unless it is. Or unless she isn’t in rehab now and she hasn’t been to rehab at any point this year, which is a possibility. Still with us? You’re doing better than we are, then.

The last few months of Brooke Mueller’s life have been a frantic rollercoaster. First Charlie Sheen was arrested for allegedly holding a knife to her throat on Christmas day, then she took a restraining order out against him, then she almost died of pneumonia, then she attended a ‘wellness program’ at a rehab facility, then she decided that she wanted to get back together with Charlie Sheen, and now she’s allegedly in rehab again.

It’s unknown what prompted Brooke Mueller’s latest visit to rehab, but it goes without saying that any woman who’d willingly want to get back with Charlie Sheen for any reason whatsoever probably has a few problems to work through.

Or maybe we’re jumping to conclusions here. Just like the last time that Brooke Mueller apparently went to rehab, the details of this visit seem foggy at best. People reports:

Charlie Sheen’s wife Brooke Mueller has checked into a rehab center for substance abuse. Mueller, 32, checked into The Canyon rehab facility in Malibu last Tuesday, according to TMZ.com. Mueller’s lawyer, Yale Galanter, told PEOPLE he was not prepared to comment on the report. But one source confirmed to PEOPLE, “Brooke is in rehab.”

The nature of Brooke Mueller’s rehab visit still needs to be determined. Some news outlets have claimed that Brooke is being treated for crack addiction, and others are claiming that Charlie is being urged to follow her into treatment. But, whatever the reason, at least Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen have each other.

Because we’re sure that Charlie Sheen has been a rock for Brooke Mueller in her hour of need. Heck, he’s often our rock in times of need too – no matter what changes we go through, or how many things fall apart for us, we’ll always have Charlie Sheen. In a world of uncertainty, you can always rely on the fact that steadfast old Charlie will constantly be about as funny as a bag of cold sick on Two And A Half Men. It’s a comfort. And it’s why Brooke Mueller loves him.

Either that or because she’s off her shit on drugs all the time. We honestly couldn’t say for sure which one of these is true.

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We’ve long been believers of the old saying “nothing says ‘I love you’ like pulling a knife on your wife on Christmas day”.

And we’re not alone. It would appear that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller also live this lesson to the fullest. In fact, we’d even go as far as to say that allegedly pulling a knife on Brooke Mueller and then threatening to have her killed on Christmas day was probably the best thing that Charlie Sheen has ever done. But remember that some of the other things that Charlie Sheen has ever done are Two And A Half Men and getting married to Denise Richards, so that’s not really saying a lot.

But we digress. Charlie Sheen was formally charged with his alleged attack on Brooke Mueller yesterday, and it’s reported that Charlie and Brooke couldn’t stop hugging afterwards. Weirdos.

It takes a certain type of person to want to hug Charlie Sheen. Entering the hug, you’d know that you were about to embrace the man who once taunted his ex-wife about her mother’s cancer, the man whose history includes both drugs and prostitutes, the man who somehow manages to be the worst thing about Two And A Half Men.

You’d only want to hug Charlie Sheen if you were at absolute rock bottom. You’d need to be in a particularly bad place if you weighed up the pros and cons of hugging Charlie Sheen compared to the pros and cons of not hugging Charlie Sheen, and ended up realising that you’d be better off hugging him. To hug Charlie Sheen is to have seen too much. With that in mind, it’s probably fair to say that Brooke Mueller has seen too much.

Of all the things that have happened to Brooke Mueller since Christmas, allegedly being assaulted by Charlie Sheen is probably the least upsetting. Since then, she’s also been admitted to intensive care with pneumonia and checked herself into rehab. Compared to these twin nightmares, having the bloke from Terminal Velocity scream death threats in your face as a Christmas present sounds like a cakewalk.

And that’s why, after Charlie Sheen was formally charged with felony menacing, misdemeanour assault and criminal mischief yesterday following the Christmas day incident, Brooke Mueller couldn’t keep her hands off him. ABC News reports:

Mueller embraced Sheen at the end of Monday’s brief hearing and the pair left together. “They hugged in the courtroom, they hugged downstairs and they are hugging in the car,” Mueller’s lawyer, Yale Galanter, told reporters after the hearing. “It is Brooke’s position that she would like the charges dismissed and this case to be over,” he added.

Oh you two! Get a room, would you? But, you know, make sure it’s a room with plenty of windows, an unobstructed route to the exit and a working telephone line with 911 on speed-dial. And no knives. It doesn’t hurt to be careful, doesn’t it?

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Surely by now karma owes Brooke Mueller something nice. She’s married to Charlie Sheen, for crying out loud.

But that’s not all. It’s horrifying enough to imagine being trapped in a legally-binding relationship with the crap one out of Two And A Half Men. But imagine being trapped in a legally-binding relationship with the crap one out of Two And A Half Men and watching him get arrested for apparently slapping you around. On Christmas Day. And then catching pneumonia almost immediately afterwards.

So after that it’s no wonder that Brooke Mueller needs a rest. That’s why she’s just checked herself into a special rest resort. That advertises itself as a drug and alcohol addiction treatment centre. She really must need a lot of rest.

Maybe we’re painting a bad picture of Brooke Mueller here. Just because she’s had a hideous month by anyone’s standards – first Charlie Sheen was arrested on suspicion of domestic abuse, then she took a restraining order out against him, then she caught pneumonia and reportedly almost died – there are still plus sides to her plight. Just look at Denise Richards – Charlie Sheen went through an awkward and prolonged break-up from her, too, and she’s emerged better than ever.

Well, OK, maybe not better than ever – she got to have sex with the second-ugliest member of Bon Jovi and found herself starring in a cheapo reality show and that’s about it – but, hey, who wouldn’t want to be in a cheapo reality show, right?

But all that’s a long way off for Brooke Mueller. Before any of that can happen, she needs to recuperate from the troubles of the last month. And that’s exactly what she’s doing. So where had Brooke Mueller gone to put her worries behind her? Hawaii? Fiji? Spain, maybe? Nope – like many other excitable holidaymakers before her, Brooke Mueller has decided to go to the Two Dreams Outer Banks drug and alcohol addiction treatment centre in glorious North Carolina.

But just because she’s checked herself in for a stay at a facility that, according to its website, ‘provides the highest quality of care by employing a unique and individualised blend of evidence-based practices in addiction medicine and psychiatry’, it doesn’t mean that Brooke Mueller is actually addicted to anything. She’s just… um… hey, New York Daily News, you should take over:

Mueller’s lawyer Yale Galanter denies that she is being treated for addiction. “She is in North Carolina with her mom for some R and R pursuant to doctors orders,” Galanter said. “She is still recovering from her recent infection and pneumonia.” That said, Meuller’s stepfather revealed that his stepdaughter is in treatment, and that “she is recognizing that she needs help and she can’t do it on her own.”

But still, we should take Brooke Mueller’s lawyer at his word. If he says that Brooke is in an addiction treatment centre even though she isn’t addicted to anything, then we have no choice but to believe him. After all, if you were married to Charlie Sheen, wouldn’t you occasionally want to invent some kind of spurious addiction just because it meant you could have a few weeks away from him? We know we would.

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Brooke Mueller has got it right – sure, lots of people think that Charlie Sheen is an unhinged, unfunny toolbag.

But what can they do about it? Nothing. Brooke Mueller, though, married Charlie Sheen. That might seem like quite a counter-productive thing to do, but Mueller’s all about the long game – she knew that Charlie would eventually wig out, try to beat her up and get hit with a restraining order as a result. Which is one more restraining order than the rest of us have got. Lucky Brooke Mueller. We wish Charlie Sheen would violently attack us sometimes.

But Charlie’s found a loophole – because Brooke Mueller is currently in intensive care with pneumonia, Charlie Sheen is allowed to ignore the terms of the order and visit her in hospital. Charlie Sheen wins again!

Despite his marriage to Denise Richards crumbling in a mess of fear and accusations, and his arrest on Christmas day for alleged domestic abuse against his current wife Brooke Mueller, it’s hard to see Charlie Sheen as the violent type, isn’t it? That’s mainly because – based on his disinterested, monotonous line-readings on Two And A Half Men – he barely looks as if he has the intellect to move and think at the same time, let alone swing his fists around with any degree of accuracy.

But what do we know? Something must have caused Brooke Mueller to keep Charlie Sheen away from her with a legally-binding protective order. That protective order was due to be the subject of a court hearing yesterday, when a judge was set to determine whether it should be lengthened or not. That didn’t happen, though, because Brooke Mueller fell ill following emergency oral surgery and wound up in intensive care as a result.

According to Mueller’s mother, Brooke has pneumonia in both lungs, plus infected kidneys and a high fever. The upside of this is that she’s now receiving the best possible professional treatment for her condition. The downside, though, is that it means Charlie Sheen gets to visit her again. Us Magazine reports:

Judge James Boyd gave Sheen, 44 — who was arrested Christmas day on suspicion of felony menacing, second-degree assault and criminal mischief — permission to be in Mueller’s presence only while she is in the hospital. All other terms of the protection order — including the “no harassment” points — remain intact.

What? The ‘no harassment’ points remain intact? Well, what’s the point of even going there, then? Honestly, getting to violently intimidate your pneumonia-stricken wife is the best bit about hospitals. God, they’ll be telling us that we can’t unplug the ventilators to charge our iPods next. It’s political correctness gone mad, that’s what it is.

But let’s be positive. There’s a chance that Brooke Mueller’s pneumonia might end up saving her marriage to Charlie Sheen. Not because a desperately sad set of circumstances have made them realise how important they are to each other, or because they’ve been forced into a controlled situation allowing them to talk through their problems in a calm and reasonable manner – but because maybe the pneumonia will spread to Brooke Mueller’s brain and she’ll forget what a raging dimwit she’s married to.

Can that happen? We don’t know. We’re not doctors or anything.

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So Charlie Sheen spent a lot of Christmas in jail on suspicion of domestically assaulting his wife, but so what?

He’s got work to do. It doesn’t matter if his second marriage in four years looks set to crumble in a flurry of worrying allegations about his personal life and state of mind, because Charlie Sheen is tasked with making the world laugh. Well, not the whole world – just its stupidest percentile. And not laugh as such, either – more stare blankly in dumb incomprehension that one man can be paid so much for doing so little.

But either way, Charlie Sheen is back making new episodes of Two And A Half Men despite all the wife-chokey stuff he’s been accused of.

The funny thing about Two And A Half Men is… no, wait, hang on – there isn’t anything funny about Two And A Half Men, is there? We’ll start again.

The least morbidly depressing thing about Two And A Half Men is the way that the character that Charlie Sheen plays is so close to the real Charlie Sheen. There he is on the sofa, drinking beer and chasing women with his charmingly laid back attitude and hilarious witticisms.

Admittedly there’s a little bit of disparity between Real Charlie and TV Charlie – Real Charlie Sheen has a history of cocaine abuse, so he’d probably do that instead of drink beer. And TV Charlie Sheen’s witticisms don’t include things like the rib-tickling real-life voicemail message left to then-wife Denise Richards by Real Charlie Sheen in 2005, which went:

“I hope you rot in hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.”

Plus, you know, when TV Charlie Sheen catches up with the women he chases, he tends not to do what Real Charlie Sheen has been accused of doing and get held in jail for allegedly choking them in a fit of drunken anger. But aside from that, they’re identical.

Still, at least the cast and crew of Two And A Half Men know the difference between the two Charlies and made sure he knew exactly how they all felt about his alleged festive violence against Brooke Mueller when he returned to prepare for more episodes yesterday. Isn’t that right, People?

“In six and a half years of Two and a Half Men, he has been completely professional and never misses work,” a set source tells PEOPLE of Sheen. “He is always on time and is completely committed.”

Oh, that’s weirdly positive thing to say about someone who was recently arrested on suspicion of attacking his wife. Still, no matter what anyone thinks of Charlie Sheen, you have to agree that Two And A Half Men is funny show and the world is better off for its continued existence, right?

Right? Anyone? No?

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