But you can’t fault his timing. That’s because Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller have chosen now to give birth to twin boys named Max and Bob. Why is that significant? Because it synchronises nicely with his ex-wife Denise Richards‘ stint on Dancing With The Stars.

So congratulations to Charlie Sheen, and good luck to Denise Richards, who’ll be so attention-seeking this week that her routine will climax with a spontaneous combustion that splatters guts all down Len Goodman’s suit.

If Brooke Mueller ever decides to one day make a tawdry reality series that implicitly slates Charlie Sheen as a bad husband and father in the hope that it’ll influence her custody squabble with him, then she’s absolutely going the right way about it.

True, she’s not there yet – if she wants the show to be a patch on Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, then she’s going to have to make a film where she has a topless three-way with Matt Dillon and the girl from Scream, then obtusely hint at the fact Charlie Sheen may have been linked to a dead prostitute and then throw a computer at an old lady’s head – but at least she’s made the right start.

That’s because, roughly nine months after the news that she was pregnant, Brooke Mueller has just given birth to Charlie Sheen’s twins. And in a nice prediction that they probably won’t be the cleverest children around, Brooke and Charlie have only decided to give them one-syllable names. People reports:

Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller Sheen welcomed twin boys Saturday night. The children, named Max and Bob, are the first for the couple, who married in May 2008. “They’re doing great,” Sheen’s publicist Stan Rosenfield tells PEOPLE of the babies, who weren’t due for another few weeks. “And Brooke’s doing great.”

Now look, it’s obvious that this seems destined to end in tears – Charlie Sheen already has a number of children from a string of broken relationships, so historically it seems inevitable that his relationship with Brooke, and subsequent custody battle over the new twins, will go the same way.

But now isn’t the time for morbid doom-mongering. Now is the time to celebrate the arrival of two brand-new lives on the planet, and to rejoice in the happiness that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller must be feeling at the moment.

No? Well, how’s this? Now is the time for celebrating the myriad ways that Denise Richards plans to deface covers of whichever magazine buys the exclusive Charlie Sheen baby photos with spit, ink, fire and poo.

Yes, that’s obviously much better.

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And Charlie Sheen is also a long-distance thinker, because he’s just got his ex-wife Brooke Mueller pregnant. This means that as soon as his children with Denise Richards are old enough to think for themselves, he can quickly divorce Brooke Mueller and start having weird little public custody rages with her instead.

Clever Charlie Sheen, he’s always that one step ahead.

They say that everything happens for a reason, and that’s never been more true than Charlie Sheen getting Denise Richards pregnant.

On the surface of things, it looks completely grim – had it not happened then Charlie and Denise would have quietly divorced and the kids wouldn’t have found themselves in the fractious public tug-of-love that’s bound to destroy their self-esteem for the rest of their lives – but on the plus sides, no Charlie Sheen getting Denise Richards pregnant equals no Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. You see, two ruined human lives are totally worth a show like that.

And, on that basis, we’re looking forward to seeing Brooke Mueller: It’s Just As Complicated, If Not More So in the near future, because Charlie Sheen has just announced that Brooke Mueller is pregnant. BBC News reports:

Actor Charlie Sheen has announced that he and his wife, Brooke Mueller, are expecting their first child together. “Brooke and I are thrilled!” the 42-year-old said in a statement. “Unless I bat 100%, perhaps a boy awaits us.”

Maybe we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves here by assuming that sometime after the birth Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller will break up and they’ll enter into a bitter custody dispute that’ll involve dead prostitutes and dented pensioners and a million mad-eyed TV interviews. We’re just going on historical patterns here.

After all, Charlie Sheen does love Brooke Mueller so much that he had his tattoos removed for her. That’s a sign of eternal love, isn’t it? Of course it is. In fact, we’re jealous of the unborn foetus inside Brooke Mueller. We want to be it. We want to be born into a family where Charlie Sheen is the dad, purely because of the genetic upshot.

Think about it. We’d have the Sheen jawline, the Sheen haircut and – if we’re really lucky – the Sheen racial confusion. That baby will be blessed from birth, especially since his mother is statistically less likely to shack up with one of Bon Jovi, too. Stupid lucky Sheen baby.

Why? Because she’s married to Charlie Sheen, that’s why! We’ve had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We’ll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never!

Brooke Mueller, you heed our words – next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it’s funny that your mother’s got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!

Trying to pick a side in the ongoing public squabble between former marrieds Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen is an unwinnable task.

Pick Denise and you side with a woman happy to whore out her kids in a reality show and then promote that reality show by giving a number of mad-eyed ultra-defensive TV interviews; pick Charlie and you’re siding with Charlie Sheen, author of the masterpieces “You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself sad jobless pig,” and “Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”

However, none of that counts for anything now because, as obviously hilarious as watching Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards smash each other to pulp in public is, Charlie Sheen has moved on with his life and married Brooke Mueller – a woman who can’t be judged against Denise Richards because although she’s never had hot lesbian sex with Neve Campbell on film, she’s also never gone batshit and thrown computers at old women. Balances out.

Anyway, on Friday Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller got married and it was a lovely ceremony, marking the only time when it’s OK to use the words ‘Charlie Sheen’ and ‘lovely’ in the same sentence. E! Online reports:

E! News confirms that the Two and a Half Men star swapped vows with live-in love Brooke Mueller Friday in front of about 60 people at a private estate in the gated Los Angeles community of Beverly Park. All dolled up for the occasion were Sheen’s two daughters with ex-wife Denise Richards, Sam, 4, and Lola, who will be 3 next month. The actor’s ever-supportive dad, Martin Sheen, and mom Janet were also in attendance.

Charlie Sheen obviously has a very strong devotion towards Brooke, because he’s had several of his tattoos lasered off just to please her; and she’s obviously madly in love with him because, well, he’s Charlie Sheen and she hasn’t been freaked out by him yet.

So maybe Brooke Mueller really is the person to turn Charlie Sheen’s life around and instill a new sense of purpose and calm into him.

God, that’d be rubbish. Fingers crossed that she turns out to be mental.