When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.
And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.
Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!
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Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.
See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.
And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).
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Brooke Mueller, a woman who was daft enough to have children with Charlie Sheen and rather fond of crack-pipes, may well be thinking of getting back with the former Two And A Half Men chump (once the divorce goes through, confusingly enough), but that doesn’t mean she has to be nice to people on planes.
Mueller got into a spot of bother with the crew of a United jet from L.A. to Cancun (where, we’re told, the crack is AMAZING) and ended up exiting a flight early.
Sadly, she didn’t open the door mid-flight and end up sucking all the passengers out of the plane til there was nothing left but screaming specks on the horizon.
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Remember when Charlie Sheen was worth writing about? Okay, it looked like he was going to die and everything, but we don’t care about him emotionally. We just want to mock a stranger’s misfortune right?
So he went about the world saying dumb things about his tiger blood, his fondness for porn actresses and the fact his penis is a cucumber filled with E.Coli or something.
Since then, he went on tour and got in a custody battle, poking him into becoming a massive, massive bore. Even the woman he was in the legal wranglings with, Brooke Mueller, went to rehab and failed to make Sheen vaguely interesting again.
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Charlie Sheen’s Violent Torpedo Of Truth tour has been hobbling around America, confusing and dumbfounding people and making people too thick to think titter every stinkin’ time he wheels out the whole ‘Uh, winning!‘ thing.
Until now, this dreadful spectacle has been confined to the boundaries of mainland America… but not for long. That’s because Sheeno is planning on hauling his pasty backside all over the world where, with any luck, he’ll find out just how tiresome humans find him.
And while he’s at it, he’s violating terms of his custody agreement, which could see him hilariously losing the right to see his long-suffering kiddiewinks. Defeat, it would appear, is most certainly an option.
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Remember when Charlie Sheen was fun to write about? Remember that? He had people cowering in cupboards, suitcases of cocaine and had a nervous breakdown before our very eyes. And now? He’s gone from meme to admin. How terribly dull.
Instead of standing on rooftops waving a machete around, he’s involved in a boring tour and tangled up in a load of boring court tape.
And so, to provide some brief distraction, his ex wife has gone into rehab and another ex, actress Denise Richards, has appeared from nowhere to say that she’ll look after Sheen’s children for a bit. Yes. We’re writing about babysitting.
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Staying to the common theme of the internet’s response to Charlie Sheen, this article may be a little repetitive in places, for which we can only apologise.
Anyway, here goes.
Hahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Negotiations between Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller LOL LOOOOL LOL LOLMAO have broken down. PMSL HAHAHAHAHA! TIGER BLOOD! Apparently, Brooke is not happy that Charlie just can’t stop his mouth from saying things when she’s concerned about the welfare of her children HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Winning! Ooops. Sorry bro. PMSLMAO
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Now, look, we’re all for the sanctity of marriage – just not the marriage of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller.
Seriously, divorce already. The signs are there, for crying out loud – the signs being that Charlie Sheen was arrested for allegedly holding a knife to Brooke Mueller’s throat on Christmas day, that he planned to avoid jail by bringing up her crack addiction in court and that he seems to be conducting an affair with a prostitute who has a thing for absurd fake moustaches. Call us pessimistic if you like, but there doesn’t seem to be a huge amount to stick around for.
But ill they listen? Will they balls. According to reports, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have decided to stick together and try to make things work. Incidentally, if by ‘things’ they meant ‘making hecklerspray’s hair fall out through nothing but pure exasperation’, then they’ve largely succeeded.
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