The Dancing With The Stars final is always bittersweet – sweet because Dancing With The Stars is over, and bitter because we have to write about it.

But that’s not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever.

Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no – we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from ‘N Sync and some other bloke we’ve never heard of. Our mistake.

People, bow down before your new leader – Brooke Burke is the new winner of Dancing With The Stars, joining other big Dancing With The Stars winners like, um, you know, whoever won Dancing With The Stars last time. And stuff.

We’re not sure if Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars because she was the best dancer, or because she wasn’t an elderly woman, a singer with a cardiac complaint, a giganto-haired daytime soap star, an injured volleyball player or a professional dancer with a fanny growing on her appendix, but that’s by the by.

That’s not to say that Brooke Burke didn’t face stiff competition in last night’s Dancing With The Stars. All three finalists had huge support behind them – Lance Bass had the support of every old ‘N Sync fan and it seems like enough people had actually heard of Warren Sapp to vote for him too, even though he genuinely couldn’t be more anonymous if he blurred out his own face and started calling himself Mr X.

In the end, though, there could only be one winner of Dancing With The Stars. And that winner was Brooke Burke – a Playboy model and wife of a plastic surgeon for some reason who’s hosted some TV shows we’ve never heard of. So winning Dancing With The Stars clearly marks Brooke Burke’s shot at becoming a genuine celebrity, and her winning speech would be her big chance to show the world that she’s got the charisma to back up her dancing skills. AP reports:

The 37-year-old TV personality and mother of four dominated the seventh season of the popular ABC dancing competition and bested former NFL player Warren Sapp and former ‘NSync member Lance Bass during the Tuesday night finale. “Unbelievable,” was all Burke could muster after winning amid a flurry a confetti.

Unbelievable. That’s all Brooke Burke could say. Why isn’t this woman a political speechwriter?

But anyway, it doesn’t matter that her oratory skills are somewhat lacking because, as the victor of Dancing With The Stars, Brooke Burke proved beyond doubt that this year’s season was all about one person – one shining star who grasped the public’s imagination like no other and utilised her dancing skills to inspire joy and admiration in anyone who had the pleasure to witness its magic.

That was Cloris Leachman by the way. Old people are so funny.

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