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Musicals suck. That’s because, apropos of nothing, people start yelling, singing, shrieking and dancing for absolutely no reason at all. Or, indeed, rapping thanks to the news that there’s going to be a musical based on Tupac Shakur.
Hilarious. Awful. Tasteless. Downright odd.
And so, the Broadway musical about ‘Pac has just been given the nod by his mother who apparently loves the show. A show, which presumably, features more than one incident of her beloved son getting shot. While singing.
Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.
Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.
Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.
The Rocky films are great aren’t they? They started off as a gritty fictional document of a rising boxing star, closing with a film that showed Rocky Balboa resembling a relaxed, tanned phallus that has been dipped in a particularly aggressive wasp nest.
And while you think that Rocky was out for the count (or, It Really Should’ve Thrown The Towel In At Rocky IV Because It Was Ace), you’d be massively wrong.
That’s because Rocky is climbing up the ropes again in slow motion, this time with another hugely stupid idea which sounds like the work of a satirist. Ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner we have decency which is already weeping… and his opponent, in the red corner, Rocky: The Broadway Musical!
If there’s one thing Hecklerspray thoroughly enjoys, it’s necking with the various plant life naturally inhabiting Puerto Rico. Sure – you may think that sounds weird but that’s just because you’ve never seen one of their shrubs in a bikini. You should go in the late spring – that’s when things are particularly leafy.
If there’s another thing we love it’s watching Broadway shows written by heavy-set senior citizens who carry guns through airport metal detectors and then fake dismay when TSA declines them that privilege.
Lucky for us, then, that Jerry Lewis is bringing his Nutty Professor movie to Broadway.
Here’s a killer pitch for you. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together. Sounds good, huh?
Wait, we’re not finished. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together… within the strict confines of the law. And nobody kills anyone. And nothing explodes. And there’s probably a lot of crying. And it’s not even a film, it’s a play. God, we take it all back. This is a rubbish pitch.
But it’s going to happen. Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are going to star in that exact play on Broadway. Not James Bond and Wolverine. Sorry.
When an actor does a Broadway play, it’s either because they want to further their craft or because they can’t get movie work any more.
With that in mind, Jane Fonda – the woman last seen smugly screaming about how old she was on an advert for overpriced skin cream – has just agreed to do a Broadway play. We hear she’s going to further that craft like the son of a bitch it is.
The good news is that Jane Fonda has decided to star in 33 Variations, a play about a woman studying a waltz that Beethoven also studied. The bad news is that Jane Fonda isn’t starring in a belated stage adaptation of Barbarella because, what with Equus doing so well, it would have provided a nice overflow play for theatregoers interested in enduring a barrage of stomach-churningly inappropriate nudity.
With the economy the way it is, what better way to cheer everyone up than a 61-year-old play about suicide starring Tom Cruise’s wife?
Last night, that’s what the world got – Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller‘s All My Sons. It’s a big career move for her – we’ll no longer see Katie Holmes as Tom Cruise‘s wife, but as Tom Cruise’s wife who Tom Cruise occasionally lets star in plays so long as she promises to never get more famous than him.
All My Sons is, of course, a harsh critique of the American dream and an examination of culpability in the face of death. Or at least it was – we hear that Tom Cruise was at dress rehearsal last night, and as a result the finished play has got more atomic bombs and volcanoes and evil alien overlords in it. Plus the Katie Holmes character is now locked in something called a ‘Thetan Cage’ for the entire play. We don’t know why that is.
Anticipation was high for Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut last night – it means that Maggie Gyllenhaal will soon take her role and everyone’ll like the play better.
However, Katie Holmes must have also been fairly excited ahead of her debut in All My Sons – not only would it teach her critics once and for all that she was an actress to contend with, but it’d also give her plenty of chances to blink out ‘HELP ME HELP ME HE KEEPS ME LOCKED IN A CAGE HELP ME’ in Morse code to a room of understanding strangers every night.
But, of course, Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut was also exciting for the members of anti-Scientology group Anonymous, who decided to bring down Scientology once and for all by getting about 20 people to stand outside the theatre holding some signs in a sort of semi-apologetic way. Yeah, take that, Scientology.
